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Background: As many of you know, I not only tend bar, but I am also a professional magician. At the moment, I work in two different places every Wednesday doing magic, at a brand new (and awesome) toy store during the day, and at a restaurant at night. I have been doing magic professionally for ten years now (picked up my first magic trick 11 years ago this month in Seattle), and I rather like it.
Today my friend Frank annoyed me beyond belief, in many ways, some new, some old.
Offense #1: My phone rings this morning at 8 am. How many times have I bitched about how people should not call me early in the morning? Hell, I played the Greatest Practical Joke Ever on Frank a while back as revenge for his constant early morning calls. And yet still he doesn't get it. What was his great emergency this morning? Since his car is still down, he was hoping to get a ride for his mom and himself downtown, to a bar. I told him maybe, but that I wasn't moving for at least half an hour. No problem says he....and calls back a few minutes later to tell me they were getting a cab. Fine by me!
Offense #2: Shortly after we opened The Bar, Frank calls me, sounding somewhat inebriated, all excited about something. "I have some new for you, man." Okay, what the hell is it? "Prepare to change your schedule!" Awfully presumptuous of him, especially since I like my current schedule, thank you very much! Naturally, he didn't tell me WHY, simply saying they would be The Bar later.
Offense #3: Shortly after noon, Frank, his mom, and two other guys come into The Bar. Frank. Is. Plowed. He was so drunk that I saw something I've never seen....his mother cut him off! He tried ordering a drink from me, and his mother said, "No, you should have water." So he ordered his drink from me again, and I said, "Sorry, man, but your MOTHER just cut you off. Water it is for you!"
Offense #4: Despite the fact that I had other customers at The Bar that I was serving, Frank acted like a typical SC that thinks they are the only customers there. Including, but not limited to, "Dude, you have 20 seconds to get down here so I can tell you this." This after several "I have something to tell you" comments without him actually telling me what the hell he was there to tell me. And on and on.
Offense #5: He finally told me the Big News. Apparently I am going to be doing magic 5 nights a week at this new place in town. Actually an old place that some rich guy Frank met bought and is trying to turn around. Problems with this: The place in question has been a money pit in every incarnation. Sure, this new guy has money, but throwing money at a problem and knowing how to tackle a problem are two different things. Also, at the moment I work five days a week at three jobs, for a total of six shifts. I don't know that I want to work 11 shifts a week, thank you very much. But of course, Frank has that last part solved.
Offense #6: "You're gonna quit your job!" Frank proclaimed this loudly, assuming that I would rather jump at a questionable chance to do magic nightly than work the job I currently love. Worse than his presumption was his very loud exclamation of this....with New Boss sitting two barstools away from him. Even if I WERE going to quit my job, dude, are you really going to throw me under the bus like that?
This whole thing was presumptuous, unprofessional, and about as well thought out as Ben Affleck's starring role in Gigli. I love my job at The Bar, and I have told them on numerous occasions that I won't leave that job until either they fire me or I move back to Phoenix. I didn't say it to brown nose, I said it because I meant it. I really do love tending bar. I know Frank remembers my days of waiting tables, and I wasn't always thrilled doing that, and wanted to do magic full time, but a lot has changed. I really love tending bar, and I am not sure I want to do magic full time anymore. More to the point, I would not just jump in feet first to some half-baked plan like this without sitting down with the establishment's new owner and discussing details. Frank can do this, because it won't affect HIS job. He would be doing magic at this new place, too, but getting done in time to go to his regular magic gig. Of course, I wouldn't actually have to quit The Bar, as I work days there, and this would be a night gig, but if I did both the way Frank originally envisioned, I would be working five days and six nights a week. Goodbye, social life.
I talked with Frank later in the day, after he had gone home and slept it off, and explained to him my concerns with the proposition, and my irritation with him as well. Sober, he is far more reasonable and rational, and understood all of this. We shall see where this goes. Normally I might be excited about a new opportunity, but the combination of the horrible way it was presented to me and the location of the place, which has done nothing but fail miserably in every one of its incarnations, has me less than enthused at first glance.
OTHER RANDOM RANTS:
Random Rant #1: Okay, I know this is a laid back community, and people aren't always in a hurry, but if you are crossing at a light, and the light turns green while you are still in the crosswalk, don't you think you could have a little, I don't know, consideration and pick up the pace from a very slow walk so that the cars that want to go somwhere, like mine, could actually, ya know, go somewhere? And know, this was not some old fuddy duddy with a cane. This was a dude in his twenties, dawdling along without a care in the world. Thanks, pal, but some of us actually have places to be. Next time, someone may just run you over. I can only hope.
Random Rant #2: Look, I know it's a fashion thing, and I know at 40 I don't get the low-shorts-with-underwear-showing thing, but if you are walking down the sidewalk with no shirt on, and your shorts are so low that your entire whitey-tighty-covered ass is showing, and you are using one hand to hold your shorts up so the belt is at thigh level, don't you think you've taken this thing a bit too far?
Random Rant #3: I'm driving up one of the main thoroughfares in Key West, heading home, and there is an SUV stopped in the road. Okay, lots of road construction, fine. Maybe he's turning left. After a bunch of cars going the other way clear, and he is still not moving, I get annoyed. I was already wondering what was up since his reverse lights were on, but I figured he had been waiting to turn and had slipped into the wrong gear or something, a thing I think most of us have done. But when he continued to just SIT THERE, I tooted my horn. And so he started to go. At about 5 mph. Again, this is one of the main streets in town, where the speed limit is about 30 (highest speed limit in Key West is 35, mind you), and most people drive 30-40 mph. Beyond annoyed with him, I just shot around him, basically passing him illegaly. Look, pal, I don't know if you were on crack, if you were checking out the sights, or if you were getting your genitals shaved by a Thai crack whore, but whatever the reason, pull the fuck over and park, and let people who are driving normally go the fuck by!
Random Rant #4: Yes, your friend who's in the Sexy Bullriding Contest is hot. She is everything we imagine a Hot Brazilian Chick to be. You, on the other hand, are everything we imagine a hot Brazilian chick NOT to be: not attractive, unpleasant, and yelling at the top of your lungs. Or should I say screeching. I know you want your friend to win, as do many of us, for she is Hotness Personified. But your continued shrieks at the crowd to vote for her are not only annoying, but they are working against her. Because of you, there are probably several hot-blooded males who actually want her to lose, just to shut you up. You may actually have caused one or two of them to forever be incapable of getting a boner from a Hot Brazilian Chick, which is a crime that should be punishable by death, flogging, or forced viewings of Pauley Shore movies. And the amusing part is that you are squawking at the crowd, yet they have exactly as many votes in the outcome as you do: zero. Only the three judges up yonder have any say in the matter, and yet you continue your constant, shrill, and ear-piercing imitation of nails on a chalkboard. Shut the fuck up and let your friend's Awesomeness speak for itself. Because she clearly won't win based on her taste in friends.
Random Rant #5: Yes, it is a Sexy Bullriding Contest. Yes, many of the women involved will show much skin, up to and including their bare breasts. Those who do bless us with such a show will choose to do so for many reasons, not one of which will be your continued screams of "TITS! SHOW US YOUR TITS! TITTIES!!!" Now, I realize you are just barely of age, and look even younger (do you even have your hall pass, young man?), so women willingly showing their bosoms may be a new thing to you, but many of us are quite used to this, so please, don't make me break out the duct tape for your mouth. I have far better uses for it, after all. Hell, you may be the sole reason why some of the lovely female contestants actually decline to take more off. If this is the case, and it is proven, it is likely that several horny and inebriated men in the crowd will do a lively boot dance on your face. And by the way, even if you do for some reason think your charming screams of "TITTIES!" are in any way influencing the girls to bare their fun pillows for the crowd, once they have actually done so, you don't need to continue to yell "TITTIES!" at the top of their lungs. Now you are merely stating two obvious things. First, that yes, those are naked tits. And second, yes, you are a clueless asstard.
Today my friend Frank annoyed me beyond belief, in many ways, some new, some old.
Offense #1: My phone rings this morning at 8 am. How many times have I bitched about how people should not call me early in the morning? Hell, I played the Greatest Practical Joke Ever on Frank a while back as revenge for his constant early morning calls. And yet still he doesn't get it. What was his great emergency this morning? Since his car is still down, he was hoping to get a ride for his mom and himself downtown, to a bar. I told him maybe, but that I wasn't moving for at least half an hour. No problem says he....and calls back a few minutes later to tell me they were getting a cab. Fine by me!
Offense #2: Shortly after we opened The Bar, Frank calls me, sounding somewhat inebriated, all excited about something. "I have some new for you, man." Okay, what the hell is it? "Prepare to change your schedule!" Awfully presumptuous of him, especially since I like my current schedule, thank you very much! Naturally, he didn't tell me WHY, simply saying they would be The Bar later.
Offense #3: Shortly after noon, Frank, his mom, and two other guys come into The Bar. Frank. Is. Plowed. He was so drunk that I saw something I've never seen....his mother cut him off! He tried ordering a drink from me, and his mother said, "No, you should have water." So he ordered his drink from me again, and I said, "Sorry, man, but your MOTHER just cut you off. Water it is for you!"
Offense #4: Despite the fact that I had other customers at The Bar that I was serving, Frank acted like a typical SC that thinks they are the only customers there. Including, but not limited to, "Dude, you have 20 seconds to get down here so I can tell you this." This after several "I have something to tell you" comments without him actually telling me what the hell he was there to tell me. And on and on.
Offense #5: He finally told me the Big News. Apparently I am going to be doing magic 5 nights a week at this new place in town. Actually an old place that some rich guy Frank met bought and is trying to turn around. Problems with this: The place in question has been a money pit in every incarnation. Sure, this new guy has money, but throwing money at a problem and knowing how to tackle a problem are two different things. Also, at the moment I work five days a week at three jobs, for a total of six shifts. I don't know that I want to work 11 shifts a week, thank you very much. But of course, Frank has that last part solved.
Offense #6: "You're gonna quit your job!" Frank proclaimed this loudly, assuming that I would rather jump at a questionable chance to do magic nightly than work the job I currently love. Worse than his presumption was his very loud exclamation of this....with New Boss sitting two barstools away from him. Even if I WERE going to quit my job, dude, are you really going to throw me under the bus like that?
This whole thing was presumptuous, unprofessional, and about as well thought out as Ben Affleck's starring role in Gigli. I love my job at The Bar, and I have told them on numerous occasions that I won't leave that job until either they fire me or I move back to Phoenix. I didn't say it to brown nose, I said it because I meant it. I really do love tending bar. I know Frank remembers my days of waiting tables, and I wasn't always thrilled doing that, and wanted to do magic full time, but a lot has changed. I really love tending bar, and I am not sure I want to do magic full time anymore. More to the point, I would not just jump in feet first to some half-baked plan like this without sitting down with the establishment's new owner and discussing details. Frank can do this, because it won't affect HIS job. He would be doing magic at this new place, too, but getting done in time to go to his regular magic gig. Of course, I wouldn't actually have to quit The Bar, as I work days there, and this would be a night gig, but if I did both the way Frank originally envisioned, I would be working five days and six nights a week. Goodbye, social life.
I talked with Frank later in the day, after he had gone home and slept it off, and explained to him my concerns with the proposition, and my irritation with him as well. Sober, he is far more reasonable and rational, and understood all of this. We shall see where this goes. Normally I might be excited about a new opportunity, but the combination of the horrible way it was presented to me and the location of the place, which has done nothing but fail miserably in every one of its incarnations, has me less than enthused at first glance.
OTHER RANDOM RANTS:
Random Rant #1: Okay, I know this is a laid back community, and people aren't always in a hurry, but if you are crossing at a light, and the light turns green while you are still in the crosswalk, don't you think you could have a little, I don't know, consideration and pick up the pace from a very slow walk so that the cars that want to go somwhere, like mine, could actually, ya know, go somewhere? And know, this was not some old fuddy duddy with a cane. This was a dude in his twenties, dawdling along without a care in the world. Thanks, pal, but some of us actually have places to be. Next time, someone may just run you over. I can only hope.
Random Rant #2: Look, I know it's a fashion thing, and I know at 40 I don't get the low-shorts-with-underwear-showing thing, but if you are walking down the sidewalk with no shirt on, and your shorts are so low that your entire whitey-tighty-covered ass is showing, and you are using one hand to hold your shorts up so the belt is at thigh level, don't you think you've taken this thing a bit too far?
Random Rant #3: I'm driving up one of the main thoroughfares in Key West, heading home, and there is an SUV stopped in the road. Okay, lots of road construction, fine. Maybe he's turning left. After a bunch of cars going the other way clear, and he is still not moving, I get annoyed. I was already wondering what was up since his reverse lights were on, but I figured he had been waiting to turn and had slipped into the wrong gear or something, a thing I think most of us have done. But when he continued to just SIT THERE, I tooted my horn. And so he started to go. At about 5 mph. Again, this is one of the main streets in town, where the speed limit is about 30 (highest speed limit in Key West is 35, mind you), and most people drive 30-40 mph. Beyond annoyed with him, I just shot around him, basically passing him illegaly. Look, pal, I don't know if you were on crack, if you were checking out the sights, or if you were getting your genitals shaved by a Thai crack whore, but whatever the reason, pull the fuck over and park, and let people who are driving normally go the fuck by!
Random Rant #4: Yes, your friend who's in the Sexy Bullriding Contest is hot. She is everything we imagine a Hot Brazilian Chick to be. You, on the other hand, are everything we imagine a hot Brazilian chick NOT to be: not attractive, unpleasant, and yelling at the top of your lungs. Or should I say screeching. I know you want your friend to win, as do many of us, for she is Hotness Personified. But your continued shrieks at the crowd to vote for her are not only annoying, but they are working against her. Because of you, there are probably several hot-blooded males who actually want her to lose, just to shut you up. You may actually have caused one or two of them to forever be incapable of getting a boner from a Hot Brazilian Chick, which is a crime that should be punishable by death, flogging, or forced viewings of Pauley Shore movies. And the amusing part is that you are squawking at the crowd, yet they have exactly as many votes in the outcome as you do: zero. Only the three judges up yonder have any say in the matter, and yet you continue your constant, shrill, and ear-piercing imitation of nails on a chalkboard. Shut the fuck up and let your friend's Awesomeness speak for itself. Because she clearly won't win based on her taste in friends.
Random Rant #5: Yes, it is a Sexy Bullriding Contest. Yes, many of the women involved will show much skin, up to and including their bare breasts. Those who do bless us with such a show will choose to do so for many reasons, not one of which will be your continued screams of "TITS! SHOW US YOUR TITS! TITTIES!!!" Now, I realize you are just barely of age, and look even younger (do you even have your hall pass, young man?), so women willingly showing their bosoms may be a new thing to you, but many of us are quite used to this, so please, don't make me break out the duct tape for your mouth. I have far better uses for it, after all. Hell, you may be the sole reason why some of the lovely female contestants actually decline to take more off. If this is the case, and it is proven, it is likely that several horny and inebriated men in the crowd will do a lively boot dance on your face. And by the way, even if you do for some reason think your charming screams of "TITTIES!" are in any way influencing the girls to bare their fun pillows for the crowd, once they have actually done so, you don't need to continue to yell "TITTIES!" at the top of their lungs. Now you are merely stating two obvious things. First, that yes, those are naked tits. And second, yes, you are a clueless asstard.
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