I am GRATEFUL, you moron

[Misanthropical]

As some of you know, I had a stillborn son between my big guy and my daughter. He would have been 16 years old on August 25th if some fuckwit of a doctor took me serious when I first told him that something was wrong. I can't seem to let go of the pure red hot hatred I have for that doctor.

This is when it gets confusing and it seems I'm on a roller coast of emotions. My little guy will be 12 on August 24th. Yes, the day before his brothers' birthday. My daughter will be 15 on Sept. 1 which is the date of my son's funeral.

My husband and I haven't told our children about their brother yet, but if they snooped around, I'm sure they found information about him. However, they haven't asked me about it, which is good since I still burst into tears when dealing with it. My husband has even hid the funeral information and the things the hospital gave us, so his wife wouldn't burst into tears.

My husband hates when I cry and he can't fix it. When I cry, he wants to fix the problem for me. I rarely cry, so when I do it's for a damn good reason.

Now, I get people who do remember what happened telling me I should be grateful for the children I do have. I have NEVER said I was not grateful for them. I'm extremely grateful for the three of them and love them with every fiber of my being. That does not mean I can't miss the one I don't have. The one I didn't hold his hand to cross the street. I heard enough stupid crap when he died, I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THEM NOW 16 YEARS LATER!! I can not just forget, so please for all that is Holy realize I will always grieve his death.

[Zellie Crescent]

I don't know about your pain firsthand but my mom does, I would have had a little brother a year younger than me but he died due to a miscarage. The twins my mother would have had a year after my little brother was born were a really sad time in my mom's life, the doctor told her there were some really serious complications and that she could not safely give birth to them without seriously risking their life or hers. The doctor told her she had to choose between them dying or her dying, she said it was the hardest choice she ever had to make. We have home movies of me, my sister, and my brother where you would sometimes hear her crying. If anyone tries to give you shit over the fact that you're still mourning whoever it is can fuck off, if it was them they would be devistated too.

[Whiskey]

My mom had a stillborn and she never got over it. My family had enough tact not to bring it up, though.

I'm sorry hon The only reason I know about it is because I was old enough that it couldn't be hidden.

[jedimaster91]

I would have another sister if not for a miscarriage. Of course you're still going to miss your son. It's ok to feel sad that you didn't get to know him. But that doesn't mean you love your other children any less. Anyone who says otherwise needs a clue-by-four to the head.

[BlaqueKatt]

one of my former bosses went on maternity leave-came back no baby, no one would talk about it, apparently it was stillborn. I, being me with my knack for saying the entirely wrong thing, asked her what his name was and if she had any pictures, she showed me that yes she did, then hugged me because I was the only one who wasn't trying to pretend her son never existed, she needed him to be acknowledged as a person to begin her grieving-

[iradney]

A parent losing a child is one of the most unnatural things. My parents lost my sister when she was 23 (it'll be 10 years next year) and it's still a very sensitive subject. Do not apologize for mourning your angel baby.

[Plaidman]

I'm alive because of my older's brother abortion. It's NOT the same thing, but my mom has never forgiven herself for that. She still cries rarely for it. I cannot begin to imange that pain you must deal.

My aunt had a stillborn. My uncle had a stillborn, and likely the reason he still is hooked on meth, even know over two decades later over her death.

*hugs* Your allowed to have your pain. Never think otherwise. Other's who said that just likely only saying it, so that for a brief moment your mind is on what kids you do have, and how much joy they bring you. Granted, it's not that aftermath they want.

Your children loved you. All of them. You were a great mother to them, from the day they were concieved, and they will always be greatful for you.

[lordlundar]

I can't think of anything else but:

[TreasureChest]

i know your pain and am sorry
it sucks and people dont all understand
some dont care
some are too unsure how to deal with anothers pain and hide from it

have 3 boys, would have been 5
lost one a year after my oldest was born, may have been my fault which burns a lot, the not knowing and the guilt
the other one was a twin to my middle son

its hard, you dont let go, you need to remember but let go of the pain and that is very difficult

one of my moms uncle was born healthy, fit as can be but the doc was drunk, used forceps and damaged his skull and brain... this was in the 30's so not like law suits where as big against doctors as now

i have very little love for doctors of any field for a number of reasons

*hugs tight*

[ralerin]

My parents had a son before me or my brother. He died 3 days after he was born. My parents still miss him, obviously, but they have me and they have my brother.

I'm curious-why are you so loathe to let your children know that they would have had a brother? Why should they find out through sneaking through your papers rather than you saying straight out: "Kids, I have something to tell you. We love you guys very much, but you guys would have had a brother too. He passed away when he was a baby, there were complications through his birth."? If I was your child, I would be PISSED. "Mommy hid a really big secret from me for all these years. What else is she hiding?"

Also: counseling might help you with dealing with the pain.

[Cazzi]

You're only human, of course you'll grieve and remember its only natural.

I should have been the oldest of 4, I ended up an only child, my brother was stillborn & mum had an ectopic & miscarriage after that.

All I will say about my brother is that it was the 60's, mum had an old fashioned doc who I'm not even going to try & think about what he said,, & the general attitude was just get over it, you've got one child, you can have more....
Mum ended up bottling everything up until I had my 2nd baby... a son after my daughter. 2 days later she was found in the pantry at work crying her heart out... all the pain & grief she'd shut away all those years ago came out with the birth of my son and she almost had a breakdown.

So yes, you are doing exactly what you should be doing, grieving the loss of a loved one in your own way; and not locking it away just to please those that don't understand.

I'm so sorry for your loss

[Magpie]

I'm curious-why are you so loathe to let your children know that they would have had a brother? Why should they find out through sneaking through your papers rather than you saying straight out: "Kids, I have something to tell you. We love you guys very much, but you guys would have had a brother too. He passed away when he was a baby, there were complications through his birth."? If I was your child, I would be PISSED. "Mommy hid a really big secret from me for all these years. What else is she hiding?"

I didn't find out that my mom had had a miscarriage until I as in my early teens. I didn't find it a really big deal. It helps that, by then, I was old enough to realise that there were holes in the myth of "conception, 9 months of pregnancy, birth, infant, toddler, child, teen, adult".

[protege]

Mis, I can't imagine what you're going through. I do know some in my family that would know--my late grandmother, and my uncle. Both lost a child--in 1956, and '74 respectively. I would have had another aunt (Mary Beth) and a cousin (Cheryl Lynn). Cheryl would have been my uncle's first child, while Mary Beth would have been my grandmother's last--she'd already had 3 kids by then. I don't recall ever hearing many people talk about either of them. But, I do know that my uncle had to tell his kids about Cheryl--she's buried in the family plot, and since he's the only son...it's pretty obvious whose child she was

Anyway, Mis, if something like that happened in my own family, I'd want to know. I'd rather my parents would be straight with me over something like that. I'd simply not like to find out that they'd been hiding something from me.

[Meganjo23]

My mother had stillborn twins before she had my brothers. I can't remember when she told me, but I've known about it for a long time. Whenever we go visit my relatives in Penn, we stop and visit their grave (it's just a little flat thing with two lambs on it, they never had names if I remember correctly). I remember picking flowers for it when I was still pretty young, and I like that we can visit it and say 'Hi'. She also had two miscarriges, I think, in between my brothers.

I think if anyone said that to my mom... I dunno what she'd say, but I'm sure it would be scathing and awesome. She has pretty amusing stories about the times people asked if I was adopted (I'm a lot younger then my bothers and have a different father), so I can only imagine someone suggesting that she wasn't grateful for us. Actually, now I kind of want someone to say that just so I can watch them run away in embarrassment.

[Misanthropical]

Thanks guys, it sometimes is overwhelming especially around this time of year. I usually just turn to my husband and cry on his shoulder a lot during this time of year. I just get so sick of people saying things that only add to the pain.

Mr. Mis and I have discussed when to tell our children about their brother and we haven't felt they could handle it yet. My daughter could handle it without much of a problem, but my two other sons have a disability and their father and I don't think they could handle it yet without causing them undue hardship. So, yes, I am hiding a secret from them, a big huge painful secret. I am sure if they get upset about it later they might try to understand why I didn't tell them and know it wasn't out of spite.

I also don't need grief counseling to deal with it. I deal with it in my own way, but thank you for the helpful suggestion.