I just want to give up

[Wenchie]

I don't post here all that often... I don't have a lot of sucky customers are my current job. I do phone support for a multiple listing service and while I get the occasional SC, most of my callers are just old and forgetful rather than actually sucky, and the ones that do have attitudes are calling about the same things all of the time and there's no reason to repeat myself.... same issue, different caller, but the complaint is normally word for word. So....

But I've been going through some massive depression for the past few months, and I'm not dealing with life well at all. I'm estranged from my family (and this is a good thing if you knew my family) but that means that I spend a lot of time alone. The fact that I battle with agoraphobia means that it's hard for me to get out and meet new people. My closest group of friends were the people that I worked "security" with at an anime convention, and since I got suspended from being staff on the convention (for bullshit political reasons that had NOTHING to do with my actual job performance at the convention)... anyway, I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore.

It's sad, but I was suicidal earlier this year after getting hit with some really hard roadblocks in life, and the ONE thing that kept me going was that I was part of that convention. Three days later I got an email stating that I wasn't allowed to be on staff in 2011. And I've felt lost since.

An ex of mine told me that I was stupid for being so upset over a volunteer convention, but that fact is that was the first place in a long time that I felt like I was liked and wanted and useful. It really was "family" to me. And I lost that. I feel like I don't have anything to keep me going and keep me sane anymore. I spent so much of my time on that convention... planning and brainstorming for the next year, answering questions on the forum, and just being a part of something that I loved doing. Now I don't have that foundation anymore.

Right now I'm dealing with health issues & money issues. I can't do anything fun in my life because I can't afford to, which leave out the ren faire and conventions that I have been to before and feel welcome at. So basically I'm stuck at home, sleeping a lot because I don't have a reason to get up because I can't do anything. When I'm awake, I'm usually reading or chatting online, because I don't have anything else to do.

I'm stuck in a rut and burnt out. I need a vacation, but can't afford to go anywhere... I haven't had a vacation in 6 years because I've always used my vacation time for the convention that I'm no longer allowed to staff at. And now I can't even afford to go to that convention since I'm no longer staff and registration/hotel/etc is just too expensive for me.

I don't know what to do anymore. Honestly, every day it gets harder and harder to get out of bed. And I can't go to therapy... I can't go new places by myself without a major panic episode (agoraphobia rears it's ugly head) and even if I could find someone to go with me, I have issues with spilling my guts to someone who's getting paid to pretend they care. Been to therapy, even trying & wanting to get help in the past, and ended up feeling like the whole therapy-shtick is just a scam. *shrug*

I'm lost. I lost my "family" and I lost the thing that kept me going, and there's nothing to replace it. I don't enjoy most work at conventions or other events like that... the specific work I did at the convention was something that I loved doing and there's nothing that can replace that for me, and I'm not wanted in the one place that I loved and felt like I belonged. There isn't another group like that.

When life is just constant drudgery and there's nothing fun left anymore, I'm not sure that there's any reason left to live. And that's where I am right now... trying to see if there's any redeeming value left.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

People who are psychologists/ councilors (sp?) are in the profession for a reason, and I would hazard to say that not all of them stare at their patients like specimens in a jar-- in fact, view them as people who want and deserve help. I totally get where you're coming from though. If I hadn't met up with some outside of their profession, I'd still be under that exact impression and sentiment.
You love parts of life. No one can love all of life-- because it includes things like injustices that can never be redressed, hatred that never ceases, and other easily-defined-as-horrible things. But you-- you still have interest in that which you are interested in-- having friends, being loved and loving back, and it seems like you need/want ground to stand on. My own ground to stand on is rooted in religion and spirituality. True, some nice things in life are accessed with/by money, such as a trip to the Bahamas or Tahiti. But just going outside and practicing breathing deep and living in the moment, not thinking about the past and not thinking about the future, just existing, once you get the hang of it, can help. Granted, people usually can't live this way, but for a few moments, it might help. (Also, you're agorophobic, so that's yet another issue...)
I've never talked to you before, Bardicwench, I'm fairly certain. However, as a lurker, I've read some of your posts-- and even if I hadn't, I am still of the opinion that every individual is as unique and as worthy as a piece of art. Yes, not all sketches and paintings are beautiful, but they don't need to be. What needs to happen is expression. I don't know if people are the same way as art, exactly in that respect, but I do know that life is more than success. It's more than money, it's more than individual achievements.
If you're okay with it, I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

EDIT: also, is there any way you can connect with those you've become so attached to (and presumably they you) from the con?

[Mytical]

Sometimes, just having somebody to listen can help. Especially if that person has been through something similar. You ever need to chat, I am always available, or if you need somebody to listen and NOT talk, I am here for that also. You have people here that want you around, that like you being here. This is someplace you can belong to, and nobody will judge you. Sometimes, in the quiet of the night..it may not seem enough. I know. I will not insult you and say I know exactly what you are going through, because I can't. We are all individuals. All I can do is say that you don't have to be alone.

The people here are wonderful. They will listen, and support, and not judge. Don't give up, you are worth too much to give up on. If you want to send a pm and get all my contact info, do so. I'll remind you whenever you need how absolutely wonderful you are.