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Of a Mother and Her Daughter (Long and Full of Win)
So my mother came to visit today, and to meet with my counselor and I. Not knowing what to expect or what she had planned, I was a bit nervous, but hopeful we could at least help get her through the denial phase of grieving the loss of her "son." My mother surprised me, she had a plot from the start.
So she arrived, we talked about generic stuff for a few minutes, then we went to my counselor's office. Not wanting to start with a dispute, I left my purse at home, but grabbed my pocketbook out of it. We got there and mom went to the restroom down the hall while I sat in the waiting room. A few minutes later I hear footsteps outside and then I hear my counselor talking to my mother.
Counselor: Oh, hi! Are you Kara's mom?
Mom (totally oblivious): Huh? No, I'm [some boy I never liked]'s mom.
Well played. My counselor knew she was my mom, because we really do look a lot alike, and was testing the waters before we got started. Mom came in the waiting room and asked me, "Am I just here to listen, or am I allowed to talk?" I said, "i would like it if you talked." Then she said, "When we're done I want to help you. Will you let me help you?" I said, "I thought that's what we were here for, to help each other." I knew she had something up her sleeve, but didn't know what.
So we go back when it was time and my counselor introduced herself to my mom and we sat down, my counselor in my usual chair and mom and I on the couch. And now we'll be switching format to classic "story" mode, so....
C: Counselor
M: Mother
ME: The one and only
C: Thank you for coming with her today.
M: Him. (hand on my shoulder). My son.
Yep, this is going to go well..... So then my counselor asked what we hoped would happen today, mom said she didn't know. I said that she had asked if she would be allowed to talk, so maybe she could start.
C: So tell me, who... this person... is to you. Who do you see?
M: This is my son. My son.
C: Can you describe this person to me? Tell me what this person is like?
M: He's smart, caring, sensitive, creative, funny, loving, and kind.
C: Those are all wonderful qualities. And you know these things all transcend gender, right?
M: That doesn't mean he's a girl!
C: What I meant was, these are qualities that are not gender-specific.
M: Oh. Right.
C: That's good. I see the same things in her-
M: Him.
C: In... this person, that you do. And others are seeing them as well.
And so it went, we danced around the issue at hand for awhile, mom always correcting her and making it pretty clear that she wasn't there to listen. Then my counselor asked me if I could describe for my mother what it was like for me growing up. So I did, and though it was nothing I hadn't told her before, my counselor's line of questioning had my mother thinking about a lot. And I could tell she was actually thinking about what I was saying as I described the pain, sadness, isolation, and despair I always felt. How I knew in my heart what I was and that I was doing the right thing. And how wonderful and amazing I felt now. And then something happened. Or rather, didn't. Mom didn't correct her.
C: Did you ever realize how much she was hurting?
M: ....No.
C: Does it make you happy to know she's happy?
M: Yes.
I think mom realized what was happening and tried a different tactic.
M: Can I tell you something you don't know?
ME: Okay.
M: I talked to your sister. She was very hurt and upset that you said she was the "boy."
ME: Can I tell you something you don't know?
M: Yes.
ME: My sister wants me to teach her to walk in heels.
Looking back, I think that's what did it. That's what annihilated her defenses as she stared at me shocked, awe-struck, and I SWEAR, somewhat impressed.
M: I can't even walk in heels!
ME: *shrug* It's not so much about walking as not falling.
And we all laughed. And all the tension that had existed between my mother and I since the moment she arrived was gone. Only half an hour in, and my counselor had accomplished what I hadn't been able to do in months. Get her to drop her preconceived notions and let it really sink in. We talked a lot about what she was afraid of (all the same ground we'd already covered), what I had felt and how I felt now, the difference in how others perceive me now and the many, many compliments I get. And whenever my counselor called me "her," "she," or "Kara," mom didn't bat an eye.
After that, my mother and I went to Wichita and went to Olive Garden for lunch. I texted my sister, telling her that I never meant to hurt her feelings and I was just kidding and I loved her. And she asked me what the hell I was talking about. She mentioned it to mom while laughing about it. So I replied, "Oh. Well, n/m then. Still love you though." Went shopping for a bit, she bought me a Godiva chocolate bar at Kohl's so I knew we were still good.
Came back to my house and sat for awhile talking about random stuff. Finally, she got back on the subject she'd obviously thinking about ever since we left my counselor's.
M: What do you see, when you look at yourself?
ME: A female.
M: You really see yourself as a girl?
ME: I have all my life, yes.
M: *looooooong, awkward pause* Can I tell you something, without making you mad?
ME: I hope so.
M: When I came here today, there was something I was going to do. I was going to take all your girl things.
ME: Oh?
M: I thought you were obsessing about this. I thought if I took your girl things away, you'd see you're not a girl.
ME: ...
M: But I'm not going to do that. After talking to your counselor today.... I'm not going to do that.
ME: Good. Can I tell you something without making you mad?
M: Alright.
ME: Just so you know, [Ex] thought the same thing. Didn't work when she did it though. This is me. Nothing can change that.
We talked a little more. She still has fears, she still has worries. But she's my mother, and she's allowed to. She asked if I could just be her "son." I told her I will be me. We talked about hormones and whether or not I really needed them. She's not ready for everything yet. She hasn't come to understanding yet. But she's moving out of denial. And that's a great start.
So she arrived, we talked about generic stuff for a few minutes, then we went to my counselor's office. Not wanting to start with a dispute, I left my purse at home, but grabbed my pocketbook out of it. We got there and mom went to the restroom down the hall while I sat in the waiting room. A few minutes later I hear footsteps outside and then I hear my counselor talking to my mother.
Counselor: Oh, hi! Are you Kara's mom?
Mom (totally oblivious): Huh? No, I'm [some boy I never liked]'s mom.
Well played. My counselor knew she was my mom, because we really do look a lot alike, and was testing the waters before we got started. Mom came in the waiting room and asked me, "Am I just here to listen, or am I allowed to talk?" I said, "i would like it if you talked." Then she said, "When we're done I want to help you. Will you let me help you?" I said, "I thought that's what we were here for, to help each other." I knew she had something up her sleeve, but didn't know what.
So we go back when it was time and my counselor introduced herself to my mom and we sat down, my counselor in my usual chair and mom and I on the couch. And now we'll be switching format to classic "story" mode, so....
C: Counselor
M: Mother
ME: The one and only
C: Thank you for coming with her today.
M: Him. (hand on my shoulder). My son.
Yep, this is going to go well..... So then my counselor asked what we hoped would happen today, mom said she didn't know. I said that she had asked if she would be allowed to talk, so maybe she could start.
C: So tell me, who... this person... is to you. Who do you see?
M: This is my son. My son.
C: Can you describe this person to me? Tell me what this person is like?
M: He's smart, caring, sensitive, creative, funny, loving, and kind.
C: Those are all wonderful qualities. And you know these things all transcend gender, right?
M: That doesn't mean he's a girl!
C: What I meant was, these are qualities that are not gender-specific.
M: Oh. Right.
C: That's good. I see the same things in her-
M: Him.
C: In... this person, that you do. And others are seeing them as well.
And so it went, we danced around the issue at hand for awhile, mom always correcting her and making it pretty clear that she wasn't there to listen. Then my counselor asked me if I could describe for my mother what it was like for me growing up. So I did, and though it was nothing I hadn't told her before, my counselor's line of questioning had my mother thinking about a lot. And I could tell she was actually thinking about what I was saying as I described the pain, sadness, isolation, and despair I always felt. How I knew in my heart what I was and that I was doing the right thing. And how wonderful and amazing I felt now. And then something happened. Or rather, didn't. Mom didn't correct her.
C: Did you ever realize how much she was hurting?
M: ....No.
C: Does it make you happy to know she's happy?
M: Yes.
I think mom realized what was happening and tried a different tactic.
M: Can I tell you something you don't know?
ME: Okay.
M: I talked to your sister. She was very hurt and upset that you said she was the "boy."
ME: Can I tell you something you don't know?
M: Yes.
ME: My sister wants me to teach her to walk in heels.
Looking back, I think that's what did it. That's what annihilated her defenses as she stared at me shocked, awe-struck, and I SWEAR, somewhat impressed.
M: I can't even walk in heels!
ME: *shrug* It's not so much about walking as not falling.
And we all laughed. And all the tension that had existed between my mother and I since the moment she arrived was gone. Only half an hour in, and my counselor had accomplished what I hadn't been able to do in months. Get her to drop her preconceived notions and let it really sink in. We talked a lot about what she was afraid of (all the same ground we'd already covered), what I had felt and how I felt now, the difference in how others perceive me now and the many, many compliments I get. And whenever my counselor called me "her," "she," or "Kara," mom didn't bat an eye.
After that, my mother and I went to Wichita and went to Olive Garden for lunch. I texted my sister, telling her that I never meant to hurt her feelings and I was just kidding and I loved her. And she asked me what the hell I was talking about. She mentioned it to mom while laughing about it. So I replied, "Oh. Well, n/m then. Still love you though." Went shopping for a bit, she bought me a Godiva chocolate bar at Kohl's so I knew we were still good.
Came back to my house and sat for awhile talking about random stuff. Finally, she got back on the subject she'd obviously thinking about ever since we left my counselor's.
M: What do you see, when you look at yourself?
ME: A female.
M: You really see yourself as a girl?
ME: I have all my life, yes.
M: *looooooong, awkward pause* Can I tell you something, without making you mad?
ME: I hope so.
M: When I came here today, there was something I was going to do. I was going to take all your girl things.
ME: Oh?
M: I thought you were obsessing about this. I thought if I took your girl things away, you'd see you're not a girl.
ME: ...
M: But I'm not going to do that. After talking to your counselor today.... I'm not going to do that.
ME: Good. Can I tell you something without making you mad?
M: Alright.
ME: Just so you know, [Ex] thought the same thing. Didn't work when she did it though. This is me. Nothing can change that.
We talked a little more. She still has fears, she still has worries. But she's my mother, and she's allowed to. She asked if I could just be her "son." I told her I will be me. We talked about hormones and whether or not I really needed them. She's not ready for everything yet. She hasn't come to understanding yet. But she's moving out of denial. And that's a great start.
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