Being supportive of MTF spouse

[Tama]

Well, after several years of references to how feminine Al can be (he is always in on these jokes), and more jokes being made as to "what if I woke up that way"...he's actually come out and said it.

He wants to transition.

This is obviously a huge step and, in his mind, the first thing he's ever really wanted (that doesn't include me, lol ). He's stuck with lots of things he hated before, but this is the first thing he'd have to stick hard to that he really wants. Naturally he's extremely unsure of himself...

He used to think that he was born in the body he was for a reason and he should stick with it...now he's thinking, there was a reason but that he was thinking along the wrong lines. He was born into a Christian family, and had he been born female I probably wouldn't have been with him. He says he most likely would have ended up as much of a train wreck as his sister.

And speaking of his family...

His mother disapproved of the content of "Spectrum" (boyinaband)...listened to the whole thing and told Al how much she disliked it . So this, along with the "Christian" thing, should be a decent barometer for you to tell how little he is counting on her support. Or ANY of his family (really he only has contact with his mom and full sister, but there's always facebook). My family I don't think would give a shit. My grandma, maybe, but she's slowly losing her mind (dementia? I don't know) anyway. My dad's a non-issue (DUI-Prone idiot whose opinion doesn't count).

Al came out as trans to a friend of ours, let's call him "Buddy" (who is chill with it...so chill in fact that when Al told him to come over, that he wanted to talk with him about something, he told us that he thought it had to be over 1 of 3 things...divorce, kids, or this. So it seems he expected it.) this afternoon. Hasn't yet come out to our gay friend, "Sheldon" (really we only have these two friends) but I think it would be a "well I was thinking that the whole time" thing like it was with Buddy.

The crux of it all is that if he proceeds, he will most likely lose everyone important to him but this little circle and it's a little daunting to him.

So I guess my question is...what do I do? How do I support him/her? (And when do I start using "her" instead of him?) Etc?

On a side note, I guess I'm pansexual now.

[prjkt]

There's not all that much you can really "do" I guess, it all depends on what Al needs of you at the time.

Be pro-active, ask if there's anything you can do, how he/she would like to be referred to in public/to strangers (can be a really, really big thing, I have a friend currently in transition in the opposite direction, quite open about it, but some of the reactions received are quite extreme, and downright abusive.)

As for which gender pronoun to use, that really depends on Al's timeframe, again, up to him/her to decide.

The best thing I think (which may be completely wrong) would be to carry on as normal, treating the whole situation as perfectly normal

[KuariKaydrith]

I'm a mom of a trans child - how far they are planning on going is up in the air but they know that they have my full support no matter what. We use 'they' pronouns at this point as they are currently identifying as genderfluid but they are talking about possibly going full MtF. Naturally, I'm supportive of whatever they want to do. I've also got many friends who are in various stages of transition, both MtF and FtM, and everywhere in between. Thankfully we've got that support network available to us - I would look into local support groups, Tama. They are bound to be there.

Be supportive and keep the lines of communication open with Al at all times. Listen to what he wants, how he feels, and just be there for him. I can tell you that you really figure out who your true friends, who you can truly count on, when you go through things like this. If it does turn out that the people close to you cannot handle Al's transistion then they really weren't all that close to you to begin with. That's just my take on it though.

As for what pronouns to use, ask Al what he would prefer. At this point I'm referring to Al using male pronouns until you let us know what he would prefer. If Al wants to use they/she then I will do that when referring to him. It's all up to the individual going through the transition, and they will generally let you know what they want. Sometimes you do need to ask if you aren't sure though. I think it shows that you accept them for who they truly are and also shows that you support them in this.

I've got a friend who is currently going through the exact same thing as you, Tama. Her partner has already started the hormone treatment and is growing out their hair, and is currently trying to figure out what their new name should be. Both of them already knew I was very open-minded and accepting of trans-folks because my kid and I have always been open about our situation. I hadn't seen my friend's partner in months but I recently ran into the partner at a volunteer meeting, and I commented that I am very proud of them taking the steps they are. Just as I am very proud of Al, and of you!

Just carry on the way you have been and accept the changes as they happen - Al will be the same person inside as ever, but most likely happier than ever before!

[EricKei]

What it boils down to is this: Do what you've been doing. Be there for Al and support him (I'm with KK on the reference pronoun thing) -- don't treat this process as anything unusual, but rather, as the start of a journey to discovering new things about him.

As for his family -- Without veering into Fratching (religious issues) -- Sooner or later, they will need to be told; prepare yourselves for the backlash. Only the two of you can decide when the time will be right to do so. Maybe some family members will be quietly supportive -- give them an alternate means to get in touch with you two if they prove to be of this bent -- but assume the worst, and be prepared to steel yourselves for any abusive/angry reactions that result, and to withdraw from a caustic atmosphere that results. You may even want to set up a backup email/FB identity, etc, if that's what it takes. Keep in mind that any such hostility is a failure on their part, not either of yours.

One possibility may be that you will need to inform them, privately, without Al present; this way, he won't have to hear the things some of them might have to say. On the other hand, the two of you may choose to face the music together and present a united front; only the two of you can make that decision. For family members who are falling into dementia or Alzheimer's or the like...Perhaps it may be better to allow other family members to pass the info on...? From the sound of things, word will spread quickly. Be ready for a barrage of facetime.

As for which gender pronoun to use, that really depends on Al's timeframe, again, up to him/her to decide.

This. Exactly. The answer to "when" to change pronouns is "when Al is ready for you to do so," whether it's now or weeks/months/years from now.

[RootedPhoenix]

Offer loads of hugs is all I've got (assuming this is comforting for Al). There will be those who are really mean about it; be the one who isn't.

My rule of thumb is to let the person lead. They are them, therefore they are in a unique position to tell you who they are.

[Mental_Mouse]

They are them, therefore they are in a unique position to tell you who they are.

Quoting for Truth. Would that more folks could see this.

As far as advice, I'll pretty much reiterate what people have said above. It sounds like Al has three good friends (including you), who he can trust to "have his back", so that's your big job. Some elements of that:
* Comforting him when he's hurt or exhausted, which he will be at various times.
* Running interference for him with family, outside "haters", or curious and/or skeptical strangers. This can include giving "the spiel" to people so he doesn't have to explain himself yet again today.
* If the Internet side of the backlash gets bad enough, one of you may need to "moderate" his Internet feeds, filtering out abuse. Otherwise and in addition, use filtering software as needed.
* If his family is problematic, some tactics are called for. Tell them (and field the backlash) individually and separately (one or two people at a time, though probably a bunch in a row). Don't announce to a roomful of people who can gang up on you. Start with the ones you hope to react well -- any allies who turn up can help you against the worse responses. Note that if you are subbing for him on this, they'll eventually want to talk to him directly, you're just dealing with the initial responses. Unless you're really prepared for Internet mayhem, don't do an E-mail/social-media broadcast, until after you've individually contacted the likely-best and the likely-worst individuals.

[Crai]

Not really my AOR (Area Of Responsibility) but my two cents on the matter is just be supportive. Seems from your post that’s what you are. As for the Family…. Well you can choose your family you just can’t choose your kin lol. Your other half has picked you and your two friends that’s their family, the kin will be supportive if they really are family. If they aren’t then what do they matter? My Family has zero blood relation to me and I would live and die for them as they would me. My Kin disowned me because I did not agree with their beliefs and world views. Just my two cents and I hope it all works out for the best.

[Tama]

It's working out so far. Al is on the hormones and things are proceeding as expected, he's just upset about the fact his beard is still growing.

The good news is, he has lost 60 pounds so far (down to 240!). He's so narrow in the hips he could fit into my old size 12 jeans and despite being unhappy with the lack of hip development he's over the moon about being able to wear a size he hasn't been able to fit in for more than 15 years.

He's also happy about being able to sit cross-legged.

So things are progressing...he's just having the "will I ever be convincing" problem.