Pregger sibling etiquette

[HotelMinion]

Ok so. My older sis is pregnant and I'm not much interested.
Weird or not weird?
My brother thinks it's weird, to put it lightly. Yesterday he yelled and picked a fight with meabout it.
So I ask you all, when your sibling was pregnant were you calling her everyday, gushing about it, saying oh how great!!!!!!, giving advice etc etc.
I mean I ask her how she's doing, not everyday, like once a week or so. I can't really give advice because I never had children (shudder) I don't really like kids. Nice ones are ok, but those are rare in my exp.
And giving birth is ummmm. Ouch, imho.
But anyway. Bro is furious. He went on and on about how she cries and cries about the baby, and about her medical problems. But everytime I go visit her she looks fine. And when I ask her how's she, she says fine.
I'm not one to prod and poke, so I just say great. I understand that bro is worried, but I'm not. Women have been giving birth since time began. It's no big deal, I think, especially with today's modern technology.
I told bro not to worried and he just got even angrier, and accused me of being an uncaring sister. That was insulting, so I told him firmly that he shouldn't take that tone with me, and he better watch it.
If I was the one pregnant and my sis acted like I do, checking up every once in awhile, I wouldn't mine, truthfully. My guess is that it's just her hormones that's making her cry.
So what do you think? Am I being heartless? How did you all act?

[Aragarthiel]

None of my siblings (or step-siblings) have kids, and I wasn't around for my in-laws' pregnancies, but I know that if someone had called me every single day to ask if I was okay, even if I'd had medical problems, I would have gone crazy. Once a week is enough, or even once every couple weeks if it's still early enough and not much is changing week to week. Even my mom didn't call often until the very end, though I always made sure to text her with updates after my OB appointments.

If I were you, and my brother was mad at me because my sister wasn't telling me things, I'd tell him to shut up and that it's not my fault she chose him to confide in instead of me. If he has a problem with it, he can take it up with her. You do what you can by asking how she is. The answer is up to her, and prying is just rude and likely to upset her.

[csquared]

Nope. No gushing, pampering, etc. Then again, I was 800 mile away. And I was still named the God Parent.

What I am really curious about is why is Bro all bent out of shape thinking that he has to solve all of Sister's problems? And what does Baby Daddy have to say about all this?

[Trixie]

If you don't already have a super close relationship that you talk every day no reason to change that now. I saw my sisters plenty when they were pregnant but I would've anyway since I was still young enough to be living with my parents and they would be over all the time.

[MoonCat]

It's pregnancy, not a disease. Unless she's been told there's a major chance she's going to lose the baby, I don't understand why she would be crying constantly (unless it really is just a hormonal thing but in that case what are you supposed to do about it?) and I don't see any reason to harangue her constantly about the baby. If it were my family I'd ask my brother what exactly is HIS problem? Why is HE so bent out of shape about this?

If she is okay with the frequency of your calls and questions, then why is he getting upset?

[EricKei]

It's really none of his business, and his being angryabout it completely crosses the line. You know whose opinion matters here? Your sister's. If she's cool with the way you're handling things, nothing else matters. If he can't get that through his head, that's his problem. What worries me is that he may be expressing his unfounded frustration around her, causing her undue stress x.x

[AccountingDrone]

It's pregnancy, not a disease. Unless she's been told there's a major chance she's going to lose the baby, I don't understand why she would be crying constantly (unless it really is just a hormonal thing but in that case what are you supposed to do about it?) and I don't see any reason to harangue her constantly about the baby. If it were my family I'd ask my brother what exactly is HIS problem? Why is HE so bent out of shape about this?

If she is okay with the frequency of your calls and questions, then why is he getting upset?

Hm. Been preggers 3 times no resulting progeny and I told NOBODY in my family about the first and third ones, and the only reason my mom found out about the second was because I sort of vomited on her brand new shoes when she was showing them to me [they were still in the box and not on her feet, thankfully...] but in general unless you are physically present and something medical happens, you don't hear about anything unless someone calls and tells you I am in hospital. My brother is just as closemouthed, and I wasn't around when is first wife was preggers at all so I didn't discuss it with her.

When my friend was pregnant with all 6 of her kids, part of the time I was the designated alternate birth coach and all around helper as her husband was being deployed off and on throughout his naval career so I was hanging around a lot and also driving her to appointments and attending the births. I am normally not particularly interested in the daily minutia about someone elses morning sickness or other pregnancy issues. I am interested in the output - boy or girl so I can figure out what to give as a present, and if I am going to end up being a godmother or stuff like that. I have enough health issues of my own that I dislike discussing [unless someone asks and is interested in the gory details.]

Hell, most of my corp doesn't know I am having nausea issues with my daily medications - the only reason my leader knows is he asked why I kept muting teamspeak at random intervals [so they don't have to listen to me vomit in a bucket. Being halt, I can't just mute and run for the bathroom, I won't make it. And now you all know it.]

[HotelMinion]

I know that if someone had called me every single day to ask if I was okay, even if I'd had medical problems, I would have gone crazy... If he has a problem with it, he can take it up with her. You do what you can by asking how she is. The answer is up to her, and prying is just rude and likely to upset her.

Ikr? I just don't understand what's going thru his mind. He's gotten to that age where he thinks he knows what's best for everyone and I just don't get it. I was never that arrogant when I was his age. It seems everytime I see him he's always accusing me of doing wrong.

Nope. No gushing, pampering, etc. Then again, I was 800 mile away. And I was still named the God Parent.

What I am really curious about is why is Bro all bent out of shape thinking that he has to solve all of Sister's problems? And what does Baby Daddy have to say about all this?

I have no clue why he's acting so upset. If sis were alone, then I would help her more. But she has Bro, she has Dad, she has friends, she has her Boyfriend to help and keep her company. They are just as clueless is me about pregnancy, etc, but at least she's not alone. Why would she need me. I'm her only sister, but we're not super close. We're just too different. I tried and tried to explain that to him, but he doesn't care. We're never going to be best friends. End of story. I'm more closer to Bro becuase we have similar interests, but after this, I'm not so sure.

[MoonCat]

Sounds like he has General Manager of the Universe syndrome. All you can do is remind him he's not your parent or your boss, you don't have to do what he says, and then avoid talking to him when he gets on your nerves.

[Sunshine]

When I was preggers my sister was in college in Austin, a five hour drive away. She came down for the baby shower, and again after lil Ray was born but I certainly never called her to tell her allll about being pregnant. O.o we just aren't that close.

[April]

When my sister was pregnant (last year and again this year) I didn't see or talk to her daily, despite only living 2 miles away from her. sometimes she would text me with questions (since I have two kids) and I would text back, but there was never some emotional scene all the time where she would cry and I would comfort her.

[Seshat]

Sister presumably has a medical team who assist her in handling her health and welfare. Her physical (and to an extent, mental) well-being is her business, their business, and the business of whichever of her friends and family SHE chooses as support personnel.

It's the matter of the ring of concentric circles: she's the innermost ring when it comes to her pregnancy. (Well, her and the child.)
The next ring out is the father, and any other children she has.
You, your brother, your parents, and other first order relatives and bestest friends are the next ring after that.
Other friends and family are further out.

Choices and concerns should be based on the priority of the innermost circle first, then the next, then the next, and so forth.

Your brother is out of line: your role in the pregnancy is to offer support. Not force support, just offer it. If your sister feels that a once a week chatty phone call about normal things is the support she wants from you, then you're doing great.

Support in, Vent out. That's the mnemonic for the concentric-circles model of support. If someone's in a circle closer to the centre than you are, you give them support and listen to them vent: you never vent to them. But you can vent to people in rings further out than you.


That said, if you live close to her, practical assistance will probably be welcome in the third trimester, and in the first six to twelve months of the kid's life. This assistance could be anything from offering to take her laundry, to giving her microwaveable meals, to babysitting (if that's something you are comfortable with), to - well, anything practical. Infants, I am told, take a lot out of their parents.
Her obstetrics nurse and/or midwife is likely to have suggestions for you.

[HotelMinion]

The thing is, I think my sister wants more attention, not because she needs it, but because that's how she is. But I can't think of anything to say. We are sooo different that when we're together, it's boring. I can tell she feels the same way becuase she's always checking her phone when I visit (which I think is rude btw).
Thx for the advice, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who doesn't care much when their sib is expecting.
Honestly, I'm more worried about Bro than Sis. He's been acting weird ever since he joined this *group* that has all kinds of bad rumors about it. His ex, who was a psycho, got him into it, and now I think he's really obsessed. I try to warn him, but I can't do anything since he's now an adult. Sigh. Family, can't live with em, can't live without em would be mine if we had a motto like they did in the Middle Ages.