Can things get any worse? (long)

[Andara Bledin]

Just a note on the whole marriage thing; Sometimes the people involved change over time until they have nothing in common and there isn't actually any real marriage left to save. That happened with my marriage. At this point, the only thing my ex and I have in common is a couple of games we both play on Facebook.

^-.-^

[phantasy]

I second what Plaidman and Seshat have said. You're doing damn well compared to the majority of other people.

[dendawg]

True. At least I had a place to go to.

When I finally do get to go down there GF wants me to look into therapy for depression. Prob not a bad idea considering all the changes I've gone through lately.

[Jester]

I'm going to weigh in here. I will offer some advice on some of your questions, but some of my comments will be harsh. After all, I'm not exactly known for pulling punches. "But Jester, why can't you just offer the guy some advice without the other comments?" No can do. It's a package deal. I'm gonna offer you my best advice, but that doesn't mean I won't take issue with some of the things you did/said. It's just the way I'm wired.

I will endeavor, however, to be polite and civil in my browbeating.

She just got a call from the housing authority this afternoon, saying that she and I both had to apply there in person. The problem with this being, I'm 600 miles away, and if i went down there I would have to find a motel room for the duration of my stay. Why the housing authority can't email me a pdf of the application and interview me over the phone is beyond me.

As others have pointed out, the housing authority has no reason, incentive, or desire to bend over backwards to accommodate you. Lots of people are probably trying to get into that place, so you are just another one in line. For that reason, they are not going to be in any way motivated to do anyone any favors. In short: they don't have to, so they won't.

I'm devastated, and am barely holding it together right now. (translation, any time I think about it, I get misty. ) Any advice/ass kicking/shoulders to cry on is greatly appreciated.

My best advice for this part is to make the negative a positive. You can look at it the way you have been ("Damn those assholes! Now I have to travel all that way for this crap, AND pay for a hotel!") or you could take a different approach
completely, something more positive ("Woo hoo! Road trip! And I get to see my girl!")

(Going back to the wife is not an option. Even if I wanted to go back to her, she wouldn't want me back.)

Gee, I can't imagine why. Oh, wait. Yes I can.

I admit that my initial actions were a bit selfish.

Sort of like saying Yao Ming is "a bit tall."

I suppose the only difference between me and Tiger Woods is I don't have to worry about a $60 mil settlement.

Unless you have one of the greatest golf games ever seen and multi-million dollar endorsements, among other things, there are a lot of differences between you and Tiger Woods. I will admit, though, that the two of you have one thing in common.

Believe it or not, I'm big on commitment too.

I'm trying very hard not to be sarcastic here, so I'll simply say that your actions are in apparent conflict with the above statement.

The final decision to leave my wife was not mine. If it was up to me, I would have tried to make it work, but she didn't want to.

It could be argued that the decision to take the actions that helped lead to the break was, in fact, yours. And probably will be if your wife retains a semi-competent divorce lawyer.

If you have advice, fine. If you have sympathy, fine. If you don't like what I did, fine.

I'm only trying to make sense of everything that's gone down so far.

Provided, no, no, and good luck.

Everyday, life throws you a curve that you just can't duck or avoid, and you will get smashed.

Plaid, while I agree with you that it would be better for him to focus on the positive rather than the negative (see my road trip advice above), I can't agree with you on this at all. Life "throwing you a curve" that you can't avoid would be different than what happened. Dendawg took actions that led to much of this, therefore, this was both avoidable and duckable on his part. To his credit, he is saying he will lie in the bed he made, but the only person who got "thrown a curve" here is his wife.

"Don't focus on the bad crap because it just makes one incredibly bitter."

Slightly off topic, Plaid, can you please re-read your advice to Dendawg and follow it yourself more often? I know a lot of people care about you and wish you would do just that.

no jury in the world would think you anything less then garbage after that

Small point: divorces are decided by judges, not juries. There may be exceptions to this, but I have never heard of them. (I am not a lawyer, nor have I ever been divorced or even in a divorce court, so I claim no expertise on this at all. Just stating my personal observations from life.)

(She's paraplegic from Spina Bifida)

Okay, I am very confused. I could have sworn you said in one of the other threads about this that she had been losing feeling in one of her legs for years. Now you say she is paraplegic, which as I understand the term, means she is paralyzed from the waist down. So has the situation changed? Are you choosing the wrong word? Or am I missing something here?

Sometimes I need a kick in the ass to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Kicks in the ass are my specialty. Just let me know any time you need one.

I did break up with the girlfriend after I'd gotten caught initially. I had also offered to go to counseling, which was refused by the wife. I wasn't sure what more I could do, and from there on considered reconciliation a lost cause.

(Warning: requested ass kicking imminent.)

I am going to call bullshit here. You say you are big on commitment, then this? Seriously. Breaking up with the mistress and offering to going to counseling were the only things you did to try to get back together with your wife? Unless I'm reading this way wrong (and I don't think I am), it doesn't sound like you made much effort at all. As someone who has been in a position where I have made a half-hearted effort to fix something I fucked up, I feel I can recognize this. You really didn't want to get back with the wife, but for the sake of appearances or to make yourself feel better, you made a few token peace offerings. When they were denied, you threw up your hands and proclaimed, "I've done all I can do!"

Look, it's obvious I am contemptuous of what you did. I don't hide that. But if you don't want to get back together with the wife, if you only went through the motions, at least admit it. If not to us or to her, at least to yourself. Because you are the only person you might be fooling with this.

The end of the marriage, however, was a mutual decision.

You wanted out to be with your new girlfriend. Your wife caught you cheating on her and wanted you out. Yeah, I would say that is pretty much mutual.

My main complaint is that they will not budge one iota, even though my girlfriend herself is local.

And perhaps if she was looking to get the place just for herself, they would meet with just her. But because you are looking to live there as well, they are following the procedures they have established concerning the apartments in question. And residing as you do 600 miles away, you are not yourself local.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but if you want to rent from them, you have to follow their rules.

[Seshat]

Okay, I am very confused. I could have sworn you said in one of the other threads about this that she had been losing feeling in one of her legs for years. Now you say she is paraplegic, which as I understand the term, means she is paralyzed from the waist down. So has the situation changed? Are you choosing the wrong word? Or am I missing something here?

Nerves for action and nerves for sensation are different. I've met paraplegics (online) whose legs were very, very sensitive to touch.

It depends on exactly what has happened. If the spinal cord is severed, sure, both are probably wrecked. But there's all sorts of possibilities. In severe spina bifida, part of the spinal cord is damaged - but the diagnosis covers how the cord is damaged (a particular birth defect), not which parts.

So it's quite possible for a spina bifida patient to have both paralysis and sensation.

[dendawg]

Okay, here's the way I understood it from her:

She was born with SB, and her left leg, AKAIK, has never been functional. She has limited mobility in her right leg, and for most of her life (prob into her 20s) could walk with the aid of crutches. Prior to the surgery, she's been confined to a wheelchair, and could only walk with the aid of a walker and braces. Seems to match up with the Wikipedia entry on paraplegia:

"While some people with paraplegia can walk to a degree, many are dependent on wheelchairs or other supportive measures."

[Jester]

As I've said many time before, you learn something new every day.

[drunkenwildmage]

Nerves for action and nerves for sensation are different. I've met paraplegics (online) whose legs were very, very sensitive to touch.

It depends on exactly what has happened. If the spinal cord is severed, sure, both are probably wrecked. But there's all sorts of possibilities. In severe spina bifida, part of the spinal cord is damaged - but the diagnosis covers how the cord is damaged (a particular birth defect), not which parts.

So it's quite possible for a spina bifida patient to have both paralysis and sensation.

My Wife is paraplegic (Car accidental) and even though she has no control over her legs, she does have some (granted limited) feeling in her legs.. Like seshat said, it's got to do with the part of the spinal cord that is damaged. In her recovery , she meet someone who had no control, but still had all the feeling in their legs. It just depends each is different.