Possible abuse?

[Soulstealer]

I haven't been in touch with my mother for 8 years do to her being ... short version crazy, longer version she's self centred and takes her anger about everything on others. I was the target being the oldest and when I left I suspect she transferred it to my brothers. There's more to the story but in the custody battle with my father she won and I'm glad to be out of there.

At the moment I'm visiting my family. I'm staying with my paternal grandparents, my brothers are 17 and 15. She knows I'm visiting and I've been forced to talk to her once. I've gotten the family to stop asking me to play happy family for now.

Background ended.

Today my brother (17) tells me he's sorry but she's forced him to give her my temporary cell number in case of an 'emergency'. He could've just given it to my other brother and it would be the same thing. I was angry at him but he told me that she made threats and shoved him so he felt he had to give her my number.

Here's the question from me. What do I tell him? He doesn't like confrontation and our culture is such that he's likely to live with her for a few more years until he finishes the military service and his BA at the very least. What do I tell both my brothers and what can we do?

[Seshat]

I don't know where you are, but is it possible for him to live at college, or in barracks? This, unfortunately, does leave your younger brother alone with him.

Have him talk to someone at his military service, or his college, about how his mother treats him and his brother, and his concerns about how she'll treat his brother when he moves out.

If the counselling staff at the college or the military service are any good, they'll know what resources are available. Have your brother try a chaplain (or cultural equivalent), or a student-services counsellor.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Is it possible for your brothers to live with your dad? I don't know how old they were when the custody was decided, but they are old enough now that they should be able to have some say in where they live (assuming dad or other relative is a viable alternative). I have friends whose parents divorced when they were about middle school-age; mom got full custody, but dad (who was, shall we say, not a nice guy) had visitation, but after a while they told the judge that they didn't want to see him, and the judge said that they didn't have to. Your brothers may be able to talk to the court themselves as well.

[Soulstealer]

Is it possible for your brothers to live with your dad?

They're old enough but my dad doesn't live in the same country has them and my step mom only let me live with them because her daughter was still living at home at the time. I'm not really sure what's the best course of action to deal with this is, hopefully has he gets older they'll distance themselves more but they still want her in their lives since she's their mom and all.

Last time I tried to tell her all the crap she did to me over the years she dismissed it has trivial. I just hope they'll be okay.

[Der Cute]

Your brothers are kind of in a bind. And you feel compelled to help them, because you were exposed to XYZ treatment, and you do not want the same from them.

If they ARE receiving XYZ kind of treatment, and do not want it, THEY would be the ones to initiate change.

You have been out of the household picture for more than 8 years. This puts you as a 3rd party to the house; you have some vested interest but aren't living IN the household. So the brothers IN the house need to TAKE THE STEPS to change if they choose to do so. You would be viewed as meddling, outsider.

You can help by steering them in the right direction : if still going to school, find a counselor at school. Counselor, pastor, adult social services would be the first place to start. Meet with the brothers one day for lunch and sit down & see if they're ok. Keep in touch and be connected to them. Show them what a healthy adult does.

Good luck

Cutenoob

[Soulstealer]

You're right of course. I'm just feeling jittery I guess.

[Andara Bledin]

Another thing to consider: Make sure that they both know that if they have to get out, they have somewhere they can go.

One of my co-workers has a sister who is very, very strict religious, to the point of going too far (and that's by my co-worker's standards). So the co-worker in question made a point of being friends with all of her sister's kids and making them all feel comfortable around her so when they finally got old enough to rebel, they knew they'd have a place they could go that was still family. At least two of those kids have taken advantage of that haven that I'm aware of, although both after reaching legal adulthood.

^-.-^

[Soulstealer]

Another thing to consider: Make sure that they both know that if they have to get out, they have somewhere they can go.

Heh, if that happens I'm changing my number and not telling my grandmother after they get settled. She keeps thinking I should make up as if crazy is something you should put up with even to the detriment of yourself and has given it out despite knowing I would be against giving out my information.