Tweet
Last week sucked ass. Late Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning my father woke my mother up bellowing that he had to go to the hospital. Turned out to be a heart attack. I saw him moved from one hospital to another, where a man I've been dating since July 2 happens to work. I texted him the updates and he texted back his concern, and eventually they managed to get my father settled and I took my mother home. Then, Wednesday night I went to work.
On Thursday morning I met up with that man, who shall henceforth be referred to as the Sturdy Nurse because he is -- kinda squat, kinda muscular, kinda solid. Built like the proverbial fireplug. Sturdy Nurse and I have been experimenting with various restaurant around town trying to find the one with the best breakfast and so off we went that morning to another place. I'd left my phone at home, and when he dropped me back off at my apartment I checked the phone and found that my mother had called three times. The first time she didn't leave a message. The second and third times she was calling from the ambulance, telling me not to worry but that she'd fallen and thought she'd broken her leg. I found out later that I was the first person she called when she fell and only when she couldn't reach me did she call 911.
Life is stressful enough for me at the best of times, and what with my dad in the hospital, this just pushed me all that much closer to the edge... So immediately I called up the Sturdy Nurse and told him what had happened. And immediately he asked if I needed him to come back to my place. I did. He came. He held me and I fell apart, and somewhere over the course of the blubbering and the weeping I blurted out what I'd been feeling for a little while now... I love him. He told me that he'd been falling in love with me since he met me. Then he stayed with me all day even though he needed to be home getting his apartment ready for company coming the next day. We slept together, and every time I woke up he was there. My arms were around him or his were around me every time.
So. I love him. He loves me. What's the problem? My entire adult life has been defined by this search for the right person... and now that I might have him, I don't know what to do. Shockingly enough, the old adage is right -- be careful what you wish for because you might get it. What do I do? Every relationship I've ever been in has failed. They cheated. We lived hundreds of miles away, and there was too much silence to fill with too many fantasies. And all this time, I've been used to taking what I wanted from the world -- casual sex, however many partners felt like having fun, and so on. The temptation to keep going business as usual is overwhelming mainly because it's all I've known. This, despite the fact that all I've ever wanted and all I want now is a life different from all of that. That, despite it all, was a lonely life and I don't want it anymore. So, why can't I give it up?
On Thursday morning I met up with that man, who shall henceforth be referred to as the Sturdy Nurse because he is -- kinda squat, kinda muscular, kinda solid. Built like the proverbial fireplug. Sturdy Nurse and I have been experimenting with various restaurant around town trying to find the one with the best breakfast and so off we went that morning to another place. I'd left my phone at home, and when he dropped me back off at my apartment I checked the phone and found that my mother had called three times. The first time she didn't leave a message. The second and third times she was calling from the ambulance, telling me not to worry but that she'd fallen and thought she'd broken her leg. I found out later that I was the first person she called when she fell and only when she couldn't reach me did she call 911.
Life is stressful enough for me at the best of times, and what with my dad in the hospital, this just pushed me all that much closer to the edge... So immediately I called up the Sturdy Nurse and told him what had happened. And immediately he asked if I needed him to come back to my place. I did. He came. He held me and I fell apart, and somewhere over the course of the blubbering and the weeping I blurted out what I'd been feeling for a little while now... I love him. He told me that he'd been falling in love with me since he met me. Then he stayed with me all day even though he needed to be home getting his apartment ready for company coming the next day. We slept together, and every time I woke up he was there. My arms were around him or his were around me every time.
So. I love him. He loves me. What's the problem? My entire adult life has been defined by this search for the right person... and now that I might have him, I don't know what to do. Shockingly enough, the old adage is right -- be careful what you wish for because you might get it. What do I do? Every relationship I've ever been in has failed. They cheated. We lived hundreds of miles away, and there was too much silence to fill with too many fantasies. And all this time, I've been used to taking what I wanted from the world -- casual sex, however many partners felt like having fun, and so on. The temptation to keep going business as usual is overwhelming mainly because it's all I've known. This, despite the fact that all I've ever wanted and all I want now is a life different from all of that. That, despite it all, was a lonely life and I don't want it anymore. So, why can't I give it up?
I say keep him.
Comment