How do you deal with someone who has cerebral palsy?

[snugglegirl05]

One of my boyfriends ex-girlfriends has cerebral palsy. They dated years ago. I have been going out with him since April. His ex-girlfriend wanted to keep in touch with him on a friendly basis after they broke up, & so he gave her his phone number. They do not live remotely near eachother. He lets her know when he has company so she will not call him. But...that has not worked.

When I go to his place, there have been several messages on his answering machine from her stating...
"Hi *former boyfriend* this is *ex-girlfriend*. I just wanted to let you know that I love you."
"Hi *former boyfriend* this is *ex-girlfriend*. I just wanted to let you know that I love you. You are a sweetheart."
"Hi *former boyfriend* this is *ex-girlfriend*. I just wanted to let you that that I love you. You are the best. You are awesome."

She also has called him in addition to leaving him message(s) on his answering machine while I was there.

The last time I was there, which was last Friday, she left a message on his answering machine. She also called him on Saturday *I was still there*, & he let it go to his answering machine. She left a message like the ones above including the word baby.

What is the best way to deal with her?

[Seraph]

I'm possibly being a bull in a china shop here.

I'm not sure why the CP factors into this....because either way you look at it? She's crossing the line. Your boyfriend needs to explain to her that her phone calls are inappropriate, and that if she's going to continue the way she is, she needs to stop calling. Its disrespectful of you and your relationship.

Again though, not sure how CP might factor into this, except that its making you feel worried about how to handle it? Is that basically it?

[Chanlin]

I'm not sure why the CP factors into this

I agree with this right here. The only reason CP would factor in is if it is the type that has caused a reduced brain function in terms of the ability to reason things out. Otherwise the ex having CP should not be a factor in how you deal with them. If it is this type you just need to be very clear in spelling it out. Don't be ambiguous. You may need to repeat yourself a few times, but in the long run it is better to be firm now than to lead the person on.

One other finer point. Being firm is not the same as being mean. Also it should come from the boyfriend. I would talk with him first to let him know that the calls bug you.

[Seshat]

Cerebral Palsy does not necessarily include intellectual disability. If she has no intellectual disability, you treat her exactly as you would treat a non-disabled person who was doing the same thing.

Some disabled people are accustomed to being given special treatment of various sorts. I don't think that's right. Accommodate the physical disability, sure, but if she doesn't have an intellectual disability; she has no excuse to stalk your boyfriend.

So. What if she does have an intellectual disability?
She needs to be taught to leave him alone. This is not your responsibility. It is not your boyfriend's responsibility. It is her carers' responsibility.

Whether she does or doesn't have an intellectual disability, your boyfriend needs to unambiguously and clearly tell her to stop.

If she doesn't have an intellectual disability, and continues, treat her as you would anyone else doing this behaviour.

If she does have an intellectual disability, get in touch with her carers and tell them she's abusing phone privileges, tell them how, and request that they control her.
If they don't, the analogy to use is to talk to them as if they were the parents of a misbehaving child. Depending on the depth of her intellectual disability, this isn't quite accurate: but it's the closest someone unfamiliar with ID is likely to get.

[rose_metal_nz]

He lets her know when he has company so she will not call him. But...that has not worked.She also called him on Saturday *I was still there*

Um... This seems odd to me. Why is he [only] taking calls from her when you're not around? Seriously, taking the CP out of the equation; those voicemails don't sound like an EX-GF... They sound like a CURRENT GF. Does she know they've broken up?
Honestly, it sounds like a) she won't accept their breakup or b) they haven't broken up
Get a bead on what your b/f thinks of these calls. Is he knowingly or unknowingly encouraging them?

[snugglegirl05]

My boyfriend called me today to let me know that he called her & told her that they cannot be friends.

[snugglegirl05]

Another update

She is still calling him & leaving messages on his answering machine. I was over at his place for a couple of days, & she called him 3 times. The first time she left a message, she second time she called, he picked up the phone because he does not have caller id. I heard her voice on the other end. He hung up. Then she called & left another message on his answering machine today. This is getting old. I am beginning to wonder if she has serious issues beyond his control. He told me he will handle her, but if she has serious issues beyond his control, then how can he?

[AccountingDrone]

It would take your BF's agreement to pull this ...

Back when mrDrone and I were waiting for my divorce to get finalized, we went to his sister's wedding. There was a lady there who was a vague sort of friend of his sister, who seemed to be thinking that mrDrone was going to be her date for the wedding and such. Now if she had been a bridesmaid corresponding to his being a groomsman, I could see it. He wasn't in the wedding party at all. So I was vaguely aware of who she was [mainly because she stomped off in a tizzy and didn't go to the reception when she came into the church and saw mrDrone sitting between his mum and me ]

She called 3 or 4 times, and it rolled into voice mail, and a couple cards arrived at the house while he was out to sea for a 2 month deployment. As it was pushing Christmas, I sent her this really chatty card full of everything we had been doing, buying the house, wedding plans ... and next time the phone rang I burbled on about pretty much the same stuff, using my bestest blond brainless bimbo voice and chat method Last time she ever called or sent cards ...

So, next time she calls while you are there, pick up and be all chatty about what the 2 of you are planning for this amazingly romantic weekend I bet it would stop her calling.

[Seshat]

I am beginning to wonder if she has serious issues beyond his control. He told me he will handle her, but if she has serious issues beyond his control, then how can he?

I suspect she does - which means he can't. As above, if she has a carer or carers, bring the behaviour up with them. YOU do it - clearly your boyfriend won't.

If she doesn't, I'd seriously think about you handling the situation yourself. Either by direct means - contacting her and telling her to back off. Or by indirect means, such as AccountingDrone's stunt.

BTW: I really like AD's stunt. It should work well on most people.

[Solumina]

Have you heard him tell her that they can't be friends anymore? I don't mean to imply that he hasn't tried to tell her to stop but that sometimes people don't really get the point across as well as they think they have, especially when they are trying to cushion the blow. It seems to me like this girl needs to be told explicitly that they are over and that her calls are extremely inappropriate, if she doesn't stop then it may be time to look into getting a restraining order because that is a seriously unhealthy level of attachment.