Oh my god, the drama!! (ridiculously long)

[Draper Mel]

Well, family stuff over here has blown up like a volcano. I'll try to keep it simple.

My dad has really been going downhill since Mom went into the hospital. I hadn't realized just how much she'd been bolstering him up. But his short term memory is like swiss cheese at this point.

In the middle of all this crap with my Mom, the ignition on their car froze up. Even our neighbor couldn't get the thing to move, so it got towed to a local shop. But since it's a Smart car, they weren't able to get the part so they towed it over to the dealership about 20 minutes away.

My Dad rented a car, but apparently their credit card is maxed out and wouldn't work. They were demanding payment, so my Dad returned the rental car. All this happened while I was at work, so I didn't know until I got home. (I don't have a car myself)

So this only highlighted that my Dad is having serious trouble handling their money any more. After talking with my sister in Michigan, she was able to call and put the rental car on her credit card.

Since there's been a great deal of emailing back and forth between my two older sisters (JA and JL), JA's partner K and our brother D. D hasn't really contributed anything but that's not the problem.

JA and her partner both work in the mental health field. JA has a lot of experience with special needs people and elderly, and strongly feels that my parents should be in assisted living. Apparently she has had conversations with them about this in the past, that I was not aware of.

JA and K also have two special needs kids of their own, which takes a lot of their time and energy. They also have allowed family or friends of family to stay at their home periodically when people need help. Also, K's father was brutally murdered 3 years ago. The guy who did it is now serving 70 years in prison. But, understandably, it dominates her thoughts.

So as we were trying to figure this all out over the last couple days, JA sent us this long email about don't you guys realize all I have on my plate, and we have our own issues and we can't be expected to take this on as well. So my sister JL said, fine, I'll take point and start investigating options.

We were continuing to email back and forth Friday morning, , everyone cc'ed on everything, while all of us were at work. So far K has only interjected to rake us over the coals for apparently being mean and discounting what JA has to say and we clearly think K is stupid and don't want her involved. Etc etc, on and on. It was quite remarkable.

JL and I have been trying mightily to keep our emotions in check. We don't need a knock down drag out fight about this. Something I said to JL (should I still contact someone from my parents church even though we're working with the hospital social worker?) occasioned a long tirade from JA about how we're discounting all her experience and our efforts to investigate all options clearly mean that we don't want her input.

I wrote back that that's not what I meant at all. We need to approach this as a family. She didn't want this responsibility, and now she's trying to berate us and bully us into doing it her way.

This morning she wrote again (in bed, with a migraine, wonder why? ) She seems to be dubious of our ability to handle this because we don't have a fully fleshed out plan already. But of course, we clearly don' t want her input.

Then K went off again about how we clearly don't want their input because we hate K and don't think she's smart enough, well fine, she didn't want anything to do with us cause we think we're better than her etc etc.

I have blocked her email. I tried to block her on Facebook, but I think she took care of that for me. We've asked repeatedly for everyone to stay focused on the issue at hand: our parents, but K thinks that means we're trying to shut her up. So I'm done with her.

She projects on to everything we say that we hate her and think she's stupid. We've never said anything like that. My issue was with her posting on Facebook to her friends about how we don't like them and stirring up her own little peanut gallery to get her more worked up. JA and JL don't always get along well, but JA is trying to stay focused at least most of the time.

JL and I are on the same page: we want to investigate every possibility. JL mentioned that she watched her former boss' mother fall into a deep depression after breaking her hip because her daughter put her directly into a nursing home after the hospital. My parents have lived in this house for 42 years. We need to give them some transition. They know they need help, but at this point they're still independent adults. They get to have input too.

And it's Labor Day weekend. And my Mom will be in the hospital for another few weeks for rehab. We need to get support in place for my Dad while he's alone during the day. I'm freelance, so I can't get comp time.

There's at least one woman at their church who was a social worker in the school district for a long time. She'll have good resources for us. We're also in touch with the hospital social worker, who my Mom has also talked to and expressed her concerns.

I know JL and I are on the right track. Just because we haven't let our sister take responsibility she didn't want in the first place doesn't mean we're screwing up.

And we definitely don't need all this drama right now.

[kansasgal]

Does your father or your mother have VA benefits? Union benefits or anything like that? I know that the VA has a home health care plan, and many union plans have one as well. They will send someone to stay with your dad or help around the house.

Also, try to see if Medicaid will pay for an aide, they often due if there is a reason like this. This is only for the time that you are transitioning, because I know that you want to look into everything.

The church can set up help as well, oftentimes they will have members that will come sit with people like your dad and help them through this.

I'm sorry that you are getting the drama from your sister and her partner, but if there is anything I can help you with, pm me. I am currently finishing my Social Work degree and have a lot of information on different programs, and can look them up for your state.

[Aethian]

Any local colleges/universities? Our local; WMU, KVCC and KCC all have a program where college kids can get credit for their classes for staying or assisting with a elderly person.

[Draper Mel]

I think what we're considering now is more skilled care. Although the university nearby...I hadn't thought of that but they have masters programs in social work and psychology. They might have something.

We also have Awesome Neighbors living next door and they've been, well, awesome. If K hadn't gotten this bug up her butt, she's usually home during the day and could stop by. (But apparently because we didn't talk to her immediately, this means we're not serious about assisted living and are blowing off my sister.)

Our village has a health department that does visiting nurses and other programs. They're both on Medicare, so that's helpful. My mother has mentioned Catholic Charities a couple times, so that's another resource. My dad is a veteran (WWII) but I think we'd like to avoid the VA if we can. He hasn't used them for health care in decades.

There's also an assisted/supportive living center less than a mile away. If we could get them in there, they'd be essentially in the same neighborhood and friends and family could visit more easily. That place has financial assistance programs as well.

Of course, it's Labor Day weekend, so nothing can happen until Tuesday. JL comes tomorrow to look at Dad's financials. We can talk then.

[MoonCat]

It sounds like you really have everything under control and are getting your ducks in a row. Sorry about your sister, it does seem like she wants input even though she said she didn't want to get involved. I'm guessing that she's having a hard time dealing with this situation emotionally, it's very hard to see your parents get to the point where they have trouble caring for themselves. Is there any way you can talk to her without her partner there and try to clear the air?

I have no clue what K's problem is. Has she ever acted like this before?

[BlaqueKatt]

late to the party, but I know my husband's grandfather was being looked after by his wife after his stroke, and because it was such a drain on her when he got worse she took him to a "day center", which is basically "adult day care" run by the local hospice center, they planned meals, and activities for everyone, and he quite enjoyed it. Maybe something like that, or the local senior center if there is one, could be an interim step?

[protege]

It sounds like you really have everything under control and are getting your ducks in a row. Sorry about your sister, it does seem like she wants input even though she said she didn't want to get involved.

That's exactly what it sounds like. My mother got to deal with this sort of thing when Grandma could no longer take care of herself. Neither her older brother (who is retired) or her younger sister (who is married to a doctor and doesn't work) wanted to deal with any of their mother's health and mental issues. Yet, they were constantly harassing my mother...who was handling it. Why? Because Mom lived the closest, was in the healthcare field, and because they didn't want to deal with it. They basically ignored Grandma, unless there was money involved.

Both of them did nothing, but complain about various decisions that were made--the home where Grandma was living, the cost of her care, what was going to happen with various things, and other bullshit. Yet, they'd bitch and moan about how "wrongly" things were done...yet didn't want to deal with them.
Meaning, my mother would spend all day at work...then would have to deal with this shit when she got home.

Grandma got the last laugh though. After her farm was sold, I told her to put the money into a trust solely for her care. What can I say, other than I didn't trust (ha!) certain family members Nearly *all* of it got used to pay for her nursing home, healthcare bills, and eventually...funeral arrangements. There was some left over, but not as much as they were probably expecting

[Pixilated]

Also late to the party, although all I can offer is sympathy. We are in a similar situation with my mom, although we luckily do not have the additional drama.

At this point all you can do is focus on what is best for your parents and try to let the hoo-ha from your sister and her partner roll off your back. It's one thing to say "I can't do this by myself" but it's quite something else to say "I can't deal with this at all" and then gripe and whine about how others are dealing with it.

Assisted living sounds like their absolutely best bet -- if they are willing to go. My mother flatly refused to even consider it and is now in a sort of limbo in a hospital-like institution instead.

For the short term, if needed, are there Personal Support Workers nearby? My mom had one coming in weekly, mostly for companionship and light work (setting up meals, doing dishes and laundry) although the visits escalated like mad as her condition worsened. Are there any church-run groups that might help (do your parents belong to a church? If so, would the members there be willing to help out a bit?)

And even more contentious, has anybody been appointed Power of Attorney for your folks? From your description, it sounds as if you or JL would be the best bet. The two of you might be able to be co-PoAs, if you would prefer.

Whatever K's problem is, I'm crossing my fingers your sis can separate from it long enough to focus on your parents.

[Draper Mel]

Also late to the party, although all I can offer is sympathy. We are in a similar situation with my mom, although we luckily do not have the additional drama.

At this point all you can do is focus on what is best for your parents and try to let the hoo-ha from your sister and her partner roll off your back. It's one thing to say "I can't do this by myself" but it's quite something else to say "I can't deal with this at all" and then gripe and whine about how others are dealing with it.

That's what it is. It's not so much that she doesn't want to help, as it is that she's already got a lot on her plate. Which she reminded us in great detail when I mentioned that Mom has felt in the past (before the fall) that JA rarely calls her. She's even not returned phone messages my Mom has left her at my suggestion. And yet when we started talking about having helpers visit, she went off about how we aren't following her suggestions about assisted living so we must not want her help. But the thing is, they're not getting into assisted living tomorrow, so we have to fill the gaps in the meantime.

Assisted living sounds like their absolutely best bet -- if they are willing to go. My mother flatly refused to even consider it and is now in a sort of limbo in a hospital-like institution instead.

Thankfully, yes, they are willing to go into assisted living. They realize that they're at the point they need more help than we can give them.

For the short term, if needed, are there Personal Support Workers nearby? My mom had one coming in weekly, mostly for companionship and light work (setting up meals, doing dishes and laundry) although the visits escalated like mad as her condition worsened. Are there any church-run groups that might help (do your parents belong to a church? If so, would the members there be willing to help out a bit?)

And even more contentious, has anybody been appointed Power of Attorney for your folks? From your description, it sounds as if you or JL would be the best bet. The two of you might be able to be co-PoAs, if you would prefer.

Whatever K's problem is, I'm crossing my fingers your sis can separate from it long enough to focus on your parents.

That's something we need to address. My Dad is currently POA with myself as secondary. We'd thought perhaps JA would do it, because she would be closest geographically if something were to happen, but now I don't know if she'd be willing.

There's not a money issue, because there ain't none. They did a reverse mortgage a few years ago, so the house goes back to the bank. I'm not clear if that's contingent on their deaths or on their no longer living here.

[MoonCat]

You want to be careful with the PoA thing. If your sister has this, and she doesn't approve of what you're planning to do, she might refuse to sign off on things, or block where your parents' money is spent, things like that.

I do understand that if she has a lot going on, she can't get deeply involved in making arrangements. It sounds like you're trying to keep her informed, but she just keeps making snide comments about how you don't want her advice. She needs to make up her mind: Does she want input? If so, she needs to cut out the sarcasm and passive-aggressive stuff. If she doesn't want input, fine, but then she has no right to complain about the way you're handling things.

[Not Lillith]

They did a reverse mortgage a few years ago, so the house goes back to the bank. I'm not clear if that's contingent on their deaths or on their no longer living here.

This may be worth looking into. My MIL had a reverse mortgage and in her case it became due upon her death. They allowed for 6 months for the estate to sell and pay and then would allow an extension of 3 months in order for the house to be sold. Not necessarily a terrible thing, but it did put the squeeze on GET THE HOUSE SOLD NOW!!! and so ended up selling it for less than it's worth (but really, in the big picture, having to sell it fast pretty much nipped the sibling haggling in the bud).