<sigh> ...My brother is destroying his life. And I made it worse.

[MoonCat]

Seraph, you have made something out of your life. You have a husband who loves and respects you, you have kids, you have a job, you have respect and high standing in your industry.

The drama your mom, dad and brother are creating? Is all about THEM. Not you. They're trying to drag you into it because you're related to them and they need a scapegoat and a whipping boy (girl, in this case). Because it's much easier for them to blame you than it is to take responsibility for their own problems and issues. They are emotional vampires, and they'll suck you dry if you let them. Please don't let them. You didn't create their problems, they did. You can't solve their problems, only they can.

Hang in there and remember people here care about you.

[Sapphire Silk]

...wow, talk about a perspective check there. I'm sorta ashamed now. ><

Don't be. There is only one way to deal with families like this: cut the cord.

My father went through this shit his entire adult life. He was the oldest, and expected to support the entire family while my grandfather drank away everything he earned, and most of what my dad earned.

My grandparents ignored Dad unless he needed money. No calls on birthdays or holidays. We went to visit them a couple of times; it was clear that the visit was not very welcome.

When Dad was transferred from California to DC right before I was born, he left his car with Grandpa to sell. Grandpa gave it to my aunt (who was 15 at the time), while Dad was forced to make payments on TWO cars. Things got so bad for my parents, that just before my first Christmas (I was about 7 months old), my mother had to call HER father in tears because she couldn't afford a winter coat for me or diapers.

Mom's family came through like troopers: diapers, formula, a winter coat, clothes, and toys. Dad's family couldn't care less.

It went on like that forever. Dad partially supported his parents while trying to support his own family. After Grandpa died, and Grandma was declining, my aunt tried to hint to Dad that he didn't need his share of the inheritance. It was the one time Dad held firm: he wanted his fair share. Dad died before his mother did, but the will specified that if that happened the grandchildren would split the share.

As far as I was concerned, Dad's inheritance was payback for money he was well and truly owed.

Seraph, your brother is a colossal EW, and so is your mother. They will never be satisfied with anything you do. Not ever. The only thing you can do is cut the cord, and keep it cut. No contact. Even if they do get "better" for awhile, it won't last, not until and unless they address their own fundamental pathologies: your mother is a control freak and your brother is a leech.

[Seshat]

They contact you. You do not contact them. Not at under any other than critical circumstances (i.e. something happens to you, the kids or hubby). You have no reason to contact them.

Unfortunately, she does: she cares about Grandy, who is innocent in this whole drama.

However, once Grandy is in a hospice, if that's what happens, she can go through the hospice staff instead.

[Seraph]

Update: I ran into my mother yesterday. Sorta.

I was walking to the bank, which is unavoidably RIGHT next to her apartment complex, and spotted her on the corner. She immediately turned and walked away, and I just was like...oh no, you're not pulling that on me.

I went over to her place and had a long, LONG talk with her. It basically boiled down to her ranting at me for a good hour while I just tuned her out, and then I had my piece. I explained that I fully stand by my husband for what he did, and that she needed to stop trying to drag us into the middle of her drama. That she needed to stop holding US responsible for other's actions. I also said that she needed to give us more respect, and stop treating us like second class citizens...as way below her.

Her response? "You are NOT equals to me, I am your elder, and that makes me better than you. I will not, ever, EVER treat you as an equal to me."

With that, I simply gave her a look, and said that it sounded like it was a very good idea at this point, to...give her some space. For a long while. She tried to, at that point, berate my parenting and accuse us of ignoring the kids' welfare while we played video games, and I cut her off. I pointed out that she was completely, COMPLETELY wrong in her perception, and that she hadn't the foggiest clue how we actually parent. And that this, this right here, was a good example of why we were going to not see her for a while. She agreed she needed some space, although she obviously wasn't happy about it.

So....yeah. Not going to be seeing her for a long while, brother as well, although I do have to still keep in occasional contact with my dad for updates on my grandmother. They've moved her back to her home instead of hospice straight off, so....going to be also contacting my uncle for updates too.

Again, guys, I appreciate all the support...and thanks for letting me talk about this. Seriously. Yall mean so much to me. Massive internet hugs for all.

[Crossbow]

"You are NOT equals to me, I am your elder, and that makes me better than you. I will not, ever, EVER treat you as an equal to me."

I'm going to drop a placeholder here for the moment. I'm going to comment, but I need to calm down a bit first. I'd rather not type something that I'll regret.

EDIT: See post further down.

Again, guys, I appreciate all the support...and thanks for letting me talk about this. Seriously. Yall mean so much to me. Massive internet hugs for all.

Consider it a gentle reminder that you don't need blood relation to be family.

[Gizmo]

Her response? "You are NOT equals to me, I am your elder, and that makes me better than you. I will not, ever, EVER treat you as an equal to me."

"Then its a shame you constanly act like a petulent child then isn't it?"

I'd be giving her a lot more than just space if she acted like that around me. I know she's your family and for that reason I'll stop there.

*hugs* Stay strong and don't let her get to you.

[Shpepper]

I am dealing with something similar right now and all I can say is hang in there, prayers for Grandy and don't give up on yourself. It is so wonderful that you have a husband who is willing to stand up for you and tell them off. Sometimes cutting ties is the best thing that you can do.

[Seraph]

I'd be giving her a lot more than just space if she acted like that around me. I know she's your family and for that reason I'll stop there.

Oh trust me, I was tempted to give her some of the same medicine I gave my brother. They are seriously two peas in a pod, just oblivious to the fact that they are NOT going through such horrors and tribulations as they think they are, and they BOTH think they're better than everyone else. /grrrr

[AmbrosiaWriter]

Because she's older that makes her better than you? No, it just means that she's old. She is not a fine wine, she will not get better with age.

More hugs from me, as many as I can send. High five to the hubster and hugs to the little ones. We got your back here.

[Pixilated]

She has no idea how lucky she is that you were willing to speak to her at all. I'd have let her walk away. Kudos to you for making the effort, but also for seeing how futile it is, at least right now. She has no intention of getting off her high horse, even if it means estrangement from family.

I'm sending prayers your way for Grandy.

*snip*
Her response? "You are NOT equals to me, ...."

*snip*

Insert some variant here about "Well, that's true, you are so far below us that ..." etc. etc. etc.

Yeah, my family is great at starting feuds, can you tell?

Sapphire Silk, are we related? My mom's dad grew up in an almost identical situation. His father didn't drink, but he died relatively young as a result of a workplace accident. After that, Grandpa was expected to help prop up his younger siblings. He got nothing, not even respect or courtesy from his mother, but he was expected to hop to it whenever she demanded something for herself or the siblings. Never mind that he and Grandma were trying to raise two kids in the middle of the Great Depression.

[Seshat]

Actually, in certain situations, I would turn and walk away the moment I saw someone.

Usually because it's the best thing to do. Because conversation would turn into mutual rage, not anything helpful.

Now, I have no idea whether your mother's intent was like mine - avoiding an unhelpful confrontation - or whether she was pulling some passive-aggressive bullcrap. But next time? Let her walk off. You're just saving yourself heartache if you do.

[Crossbow]

*sigh* Ok, I think I can actually say something coherent now without blowing a blood vessel or pissing off someone that I don't want to.

Seraph, I know you consider her to be family, but it seems to me that she doesn't feel the same way about you and your husband. I may be wrong about that, but that's how it looks from what you've described. Personally, I wouldn't waste additional effort on her if that's her attitude. I'm praying for your Grandy and very much hope you can keep in contact through your uncle and not have to deal with mom/brother at all.

Even more concerning to me is that she considers you (and by extension your husband) to be inferior to her and then criticized your paretnting. It makes me wonder how she sees your children... I certainly wouldn't want her attitude anywhere near my children; it's too easy for them to pick up on her bad habits/ideas/attitude.

I know you said you've agreed to not see each other for a while. I really think it's time to consider making that as permanent as you can.



(Please note, Mrs. Crossbow and I don't have children and don't want to. Nor are either of us in the position you are. I'm coming at this from way outside, so I might be off base. Just please understand that I'm not criticising your decision; I'm just trying to give you my point of view.)

[RayvenQ]

"You are NOT equals to me, I am your elder, and that makes me better than you. I will not, ever, EVER treat you as an equal to me."

"No, I'm better, you're just older."

[Andara Bledin]

Wow. Your brother sounds like my brother, only cranked to 11.

As you probably well know, by now, you did nothing wrong, and your going off is probably actually the best thing you could have done.

Unfortunately, until he finds something he wants enough that he's willing to put in the effort to stop blaming the world, nothing is going to change. And there is no reason to let yourself be sucked into his vortex of suck.

It's good that you have your hubby to play middle-man. It's really hard to cut off abusive or self-destructive family, because it's painful to have to admit that you can't help them. Nekojin has done much of the same for me; without him, I know I wouldn't be even as clear of my brother as I am, now, and it's still not clear enough.

^-.-^

[Redbeard]

My big sister is like that.
No, you did right. It's his life, he's chosen to be entitled to the uber degree.
How do I know?
My older sister had a house through Habitiats for Humanity. Paid in clear. She let it go because it was"too hard to take care of" and moved into a double wide with her meth dealing husband.
Some people want to burn just to prove how tough their lives are.
Stay strong, don't buckle. IF he's let back into your life, it's on YOUR terms.