Swingers are entertaining!

[Jester]

No, that headline was not just to get your attention. Yes, this post is going to be about swingers and my time working for them. And since I am not talking about the type of swinger that enjoys dancing to the Cherry Poppin' Daddies, but rather about those OTHER swingers, let me get this bit of business out of the way first.....

WARNING: This post contains some sexually explicit and graphic language. If such things offend, bother, annoy, irritate, discomfort, shock, embarrass, or in any way disturb you, please don't read any further. Because any hate mail will be summarily ignored and/or laughed at. Thank you, drive through!

So, for the 4th year in a row I worked for a swingers convention that takes places here once a year. In the past I have done both magical entertainment and provided disc jockey services for them. This year I was a DJ and provided various gofer functions, including helping to set up, decorate, and break down various things, rooms, items, etc. (I could just say that I DJed for them and "did other things for them," but every time I say it like that, my friends start snickering and giggling uncontrollably.)

And let me tell you, there were some entertaining moments this year, as there are every year. Certain things can ONLY happen at a swingers convention.

For instance, in normal life, if one guy said to another guy "Man, your wife wore me out," there would be one of two reactions. 1. "Yeah, your mother" or some similar wisecrack. 2. A fight. Now, at a swingers convention, such a statement is generally met with a reply such as "Cool. Glad you had fun." And no one is joking.

Now, this convention takes over the entire hotel and, as such, can have different rules. The pool is clothing optional, there are "play rooms" where various people can go to have fun with various other people, in pairs, groups, or whatever, and various things may happen that normally would not happen outside of the privacy of a bedroom. I could not even tell you how many blowjobs I saw going on at the pool this week....but it was not an uncommon occurrence. And yes, folks, you get used to this when you are around it every day. As I said, this can get entertaining.

One amusing thing that happened was the other day when I was sitting poolside talking to four of the convention attendees, three men and a woman. The woman was between the two men on an outdoor couch. Everyone was naked. The woman was, how shall I put this, "skiing." In other words, she was masturbating both guys next to her with her hands. (A friend of mine told me this is called "skiing, and that just cracked me up.) And we were talking. (Yes, we were actually talking. As I said, you get used to this.) She was talking about her busy day, and I had one of my wittier rejoinders...

"SKIING" WOMAN: "It's been a long day."
JESTER: "Darlin', it looks like it's going to be a hard night!"

Another difference between this and "normal" life. Guy walks into the bedroom, sees his wife having sex with another guy. In normal life, this would be the beginning of some kind of serious altercation. At a swingers convention, the typical husbandly reaction might be something along the lines of, "Hi Jim. How's it going?"

After four years, I am kind of used to all these shenanigans, and the funniest part for me is OTHER people's reactions. Not the staff at the hotel, mind you, as they are also pretty used to it, but just people who are not at the convention but hear about it. For instance, one night was the swingers' "Pirates Ball" where they took over a downtown bar (they had prearranged this, of course) and everyone was dressed pretty much as a pirate. Before going to the bar, though, they went out to Mallory Square to watch the sunset. Since none of the attendees are from here, and not all of them are that familiar with Key West, it was my job to make sure that everyone knew where they were going. Since I was dressed head to toe in black, and as a pirate, I was easy to spot for the attendees. But other people saw the influx of people in pirate costumes and had to ask....

TOURIST: "Um, what's with all the pirates?"
JESTER: "It's a convention. Today they are doing a pirate-themed party."
TOURIST: "Cool. What kind of convention?"
JESTER: "Swingers."
TOURIST:
-OR-
TOURIST: "COOL!"

Another conversation I had the day we broke everything down was amusing.

DUDE: "Man, I am just wiped."
JESTER: "Drink too much last night?"
DUDE: "No, was just fucking for five hours."
JESTER: "Poor baby." Somehow, I couldn't find any sympathy for him.

Now, since I was working for the people in charge of this, I was sometimes given some odd duties. The following is a conversation I hope never to have again....

FRONT DESK CLERK: "Hi. How may I help you?"
JESTER: "Um, yes. This is an odd question, but we are packing stuff up, and I know you guys cleaned up the pool area last night...."
FRONT DESK CLERK: "Yes....?"
JESTER: "[The organizers] were wondering if any of your staff happened to pick up a large dildo. It seems to be missing."
FRONT DESK CLERK: "Ummmm....I don't THINK so....."
JESTER: "Okay. Just let [the organizers] know if anyone comes across it."

Yes, when you work for a swingers convention, sometimes you may actually have to go on a dildo retrieval hunt. (No, it was never found. The organizers believe that one of the hotel staff or one of the attendees decided to "appropriate" said toy. My guess is one of the attendees, but who knows?)

Two text messages I sent from the convention, one during it, one during breakdown....

"I blew my first dick today! (Relax, it was the inflatable kind.)"
"Would either of you fine young ladies like a 5 foot long inflatable penis? Yes, I am serious.

Blowing up inflatable penises....yet another duty you never expect to find on a resume or a job description!

One of the funniest incidents that happened to me this week was only tangentially related to the convention. For the Pirate Night, I was, as I said earlier, dressed entirely in black pirate garb, including a tri-corner hat and a long flowing black cape....and unlike many of the other "pirates" who had plastic swords, I decided to don my very real, very vicious looking sword. (Which is actually a piece of crap, but it LOOKS cool!) After the party had wound down at the hotel, I crossed the street to one of my regular sports bars for a few cold ones....still completely in pirate garb....and very, very inebriated. The bartender knows me, so was not that surprised to see my outfit. But at the bar were about 3-4 "punks"...you know the types....23 years old, wife-beater tank top, baseball cap turned a bit to the side....you know...idiots. And they looked at me. And they really looked like they wanted to say something. But they didn't, and from the expressions on their faces, I believe their thoughts went something like this....

"Okay, this guy is dressed like a stupid pirate, and we really want to say something obnoxious to him. But we can't help but notice that REALLY BIG FUCKING SWORD he's carrying. And he looks rather drunk, so perhaps it would be in our best interests to NOT fuck with the guy with the really big fucking sword. For once in our miserable lives, discretion will be the better part of valor, and we will shut the fuck up." At least, that was my interpretation.

There were many other minor little amusements, but when you get paid to drink (as I often found myself doing), some of these things get away from you. In all, though, it was very entertaining, as it always is.

One thing I feel I must say, though, is that swingers are not the depraved, sex-crazed maniacs many people think they are. Overall they are nice, decent, ordinary (yes, ordinary!) people who just have chosen a somewhat different lifestyle than most people. Most swingers I know have far more stable and grounded relationships than most people. Also, this particular group of swingers was definitely well off, as the price of the convention, not to mention being able to go to and stay in Key West, is not cheap. Just like any other group, swingers should not be stereotyped or judged on what you think you know, because quite often, what people think they know is just not the truth.

That being said, I hope I never have to ask for a missing dildo again!

[Knightmare]

Do we really want to know what the swingers gave you for a tip?
How would you claim a blowjob on your taxes?
Hmmm.

These are the thoughts that run thru your brain at 7 a.m. after only 3 hours of sleep.

Man, I really need to move to Key West.

[Jester]

Damn. I knew I forgot something in my post.

No, I did not get THAT kind of tip. (Not that I didn't get offers.)

They paid me, and bought all my drinks and food on top of that. And they paid me for all the hours I was there, even for the hours where all I did was sit at the bar and drink while I waited for them to give me something (not someone!) to do. Which was damn nice of them. They basically paid me to drink more than anything else.

And frankly, anytime someone is going to not only buy me drinks but PAY me to drink.....and be thoroughly entertained by wild goings on....well, I am just the type of person who is going to allow them to do that!

[Becks]

Sounds like fun.






I wonder who the first person will be to say something like "this thread is useless without pics!!".

[reformedwaitress]

I will admit that they were, in general and as a whole, interesting and nice people. But let me just say that some of the guys were a little creepy only because they refused to follow the one rule laid down by my managers when they took over The Bar for that Pirate Party Jester was talking about -- one rule being "You DO NOT touch the staff as you would any of the other swingers". Let me tell you, an almost naked guy old enough to be your father or grandfather insisting on grabbing you in places no one is supposed to touch but maybe your boyfriend or husband (if that) is NOT fun. And makes me want to take someone's hand off.

But yes, most of them were perfectly cool. Though I did see some things I really didn't need to (or want to) see. And had to get a friend (he was in the band) VERY VERY drunk (and be a "cover" for him -- when some of the ladies started hitting one him he just said "yeah, don't think my girlfriend over there would be too happy but thanks") because he was seeing many many things he really didn't want to see.

[Moonlight]

Hehe We used to have the "No Touching" rule at the pub I used to run. Not because we attracted swingers (although I wish we had - it would have made the place even more fun!) but because it was normally full of very drunk bikers and rockers. Oh happy days! I miss that place.

On a side note - a friend of mine works for a pole dancing club designing their flyers and posters. To quote him "Seeing that much naked flesh day in day out gets kinda boring after a while". Bless!

[Jester]

But let me just say that some of the guys were a little creepy only because they refused to follow the one rule laid down by my managers when they took over The Bar for that Pirate Party Jester was talking about -- one rule being "You DO NOT touch the staff as you would any of the other swingers". Let me tell you, an almost naked guy old enough to be your father or grandfather insisting on grabbing you in places no one is supposed to touch but maybe your boyfriend or husband (if that) is NOT fun.

I was unaware of this. More to the point, the event organizers were certainly unaware of this. Those two don't brook any shit from their attendees, and would certainly come down hard on the people who were inappropriately touching the staff. It makes their event look bad, and it makes swingers as a whole look bad. The whole POINT of swinging is that it is done among mutually consenting adults. Stuff like what RW is talking about just pisses me off, as it does the event organizers. Me, because I am working for these people, and it reflects badly on my choices. Them, because they are in charge of the offenders, and it makes the organizers look bad, as I said.

I said in my earlier post that as a whole, swingers tend to be nice people. And they do. But just as with any group, there are always a few assholes in the lot. My Rockin' Manager at The Bar told me after the fact about one truly miserable guy in the swingers group that just bitched and bitched and bitched. And what was his major bitch? That on the roof deck, it was raining. Something that The Bar has absolutely ZERO control over! I am not in any way trying to excuse or condone the actions of the grabbers and gropers, as their is no excuse for it. What I am saying is that idiots are idiots, and are present in every group.

Damn, I hate idiots.

[reformedwaitress]

I said in my earlier post that as a whole, swingers tend to be nice people. And they do. But just as with any group, there are always a few assholes in the lot.

I agree. Like I said, most of the people I met were great and I had lots of fun working the party. But there were a few that really kind of creeped me out and a few things that made most of the staff up there uncomfortable, though we were all prepared for that since we knew what we were getting into (except for the band -- they really weren't warned all that well!)

[Seshat]

I was unaware of this. More to the point, the event organizers were certainly unaware of this. Those two don't brook any shit from their attendees, and would certainly come down hard on the people who were inappropriately touching the staff.
<snip>
Damn, I hate idiots.

Agreed. I am in the fringe of that sort of lifestyle (as in, I'm casual friends with many people who are, and occasionally go to events of theirs). There's ALWAYS at least one person who's 'designated driver' - basically, stays sober and in control at all times, and can be spoken to by anyone about anything. This person (or in a larger group, people) enforces mutually-agreed on safety standards, keeps an eye out for any signs of nonconsent, and generally tries to keep things clean, safe, and consensual. In the circles I hang around with, 'sober' is also required.

Reformed Waitress, next time you're staffing an event like that, I suggest you make sure you know who the 'designated drivers' are. If the groups Jester was working with are anything like the groups I know, informed consent is taken VERY seriously. For a minor offence, the people hassling you and the other staff would be kicked out unceremoniously.

Also, I'm sure the organisers would want to know that the band didn't get sufficient warning.

[Jester]

Seshat,

There were no designated drivers in the truest sense, as they were using hotel shuttles for the most part. There WERE people who drove themselves, but they were not necessarily "designated drivers" by your definition.

However, the things that happened SHOULD have been reported to the organizers, and they SHOULD have done more to curb such behavior. While there were only two organizers per se, there were several people at the event who were promoting their own similar events elsewhere, and they would certainly have been trusted by the organizers to talk to the offending parties, as they more than most knew what was acceptable and what wasn't.

As for the band, as much as I love The Bar, the band not being informed of the nature of the event must fall squarely on the shoulders of The Bar's management. Since the organizers of the event and the band had exactly zero contact until the swingers showed up at The Bar, the event organizers could not be expected to warn the band. Also, since management at The Bar knew pretty much what the event WAS, and had made sure the staff knew as well, it really was their bailiwick to let the band know, and if necessary, to get alternative entertainment if the band decided they were not comfortable with such festivities.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Right now I need about a truckload of . Why you ask?

Because I happen to work with a couple of swingers, who happen to be married to each other, and I'm getting some gruesome mental images of them engaging in the sort of things described.

The wife is pushing 250 pounds, smells like the underside of something, and is one of the more mannish-looking women I've ever met. The husband is a skinny, pencil-necked geek who dies his close-cropped hair red so the dye soaks into his scalp like a cap, and we likes to wear his pants pulled up to his nipples.

Hubba hubba

Although, if I were feeling really really super evil, I'd circulate this around work, anonymously of course, just to indicate the kinds of good wholesome fun they like to engage in. File this under "blackmail material"

[Jester]

Irv, keep in mind that the behavior I described was done with the full consent of everyone involved. If the people you describe have admitted they are swingers, just what does everyone think they are doing? Playing chess naked with other couples? Frankly, I doubt that the people I dealt with would bother with the people you described, and I don't put them in the same league at all. And I would hope that you wouldn't use anything *I* wrote to get revenge on some people YOU don't like. That wouldn't be fair to the swingers who employed me, or to me, or frankly, even to the people you don't like. Just my opinion, anyway.

[Seshat]

Seshat,

There were no designated drivers in the truest sense, as they were using hotel shuttles for the most part. There WERE people who drove themselves, but they were not necessarily "designated drivers" by your definition.

My bad - I meant my quotes to try to indicate that I was using the term as a metaphor. I'm drawing a blank on a good term to use - basically, I was trying to explain that (in my experience) there's always someone who's sober, staying non-involved, and available to discuss matters of safety and consent with.

Of course, it's possible that I just don't attend events where there aren't - that my friends are the smart ones who take precautions.

However, the things that happened SHOULD have been reported to the organizers, and they SHOULD have done more to curb such behavior.

Agreed. It's quite possible that none of the staff realised there was someone available to discuss this with, who'd act to curb that behaviour. My purpose in posting was to make the likely presence of such people known, for ReformedWaitress and others in CS who might end up staffing an event like this.

Hm. Just occurred to me, considering some of the 'bad management' stories I've heard around here. If you're staffing an event like this and -didn't- get the option to opt out, tell the organisers of the event. They'll make their displeasure known to management. If they're anything like the folks I hang out with, management will get an earful!

As for the band, as much as I love The Bar, the band not being informed of the nature of the event must fall squarely on the shoulders of The Bar's management. Since the organizers of the event and the band had exactly zero contact until the swingers showed up at The Bar, the event organizers could not be expected to warn the band.

Fair enough. I agree with you - management should have warned the band.

[Jester]

Hm. Just occurred to me, considering some of the 'bad management' stories I've heard around here. If you're staffing an event like this and -didn't- get the option to opt out, tell the organisers of the event. They'll make their displeasure known to management. If they're anything like the folks I hang out with, management will get an earful!

I have to comment on this. I know you meant for this comment to be general, but I have to say that everyone that worked this event at The Bar (other than the band) actively wanted to work it, for both the entertainment value and the potential economic impact, from what I understand. Also, I have praised The Bar's management many times, and I will continue to do so--I know they would not have had anyone work this event that wasn't informed of what it was, and would not have made anyone work it if it offended their sensibilities.

Well, except the band of course!

[Pezzle]

"Swingers are Entertaining!"

Q F T One of my best buddies in NYC is a swinger. I haven't gone to a club with him or anything, since I tend to have a monogamy thing going, but we're gonna take a trip to a similar sort of scene... need I get into it... probably not.

Either way, they're some open, relaxed, entertaining people!