Advice? Roomate kinda hurt my feelings...

[Gabrielle Proctor]

...about my work ethic.

Wasn't sure where to put this thread, but I figured that my roomie and I were discussing work so that is where this goes.

Today, my roomie called me from work and said that he was feeling "anxious" and if I could bring his medication because he didn't feel like dealing with it. I wanted to say no, but didn't because I don't want him to skip out on anymore work for minor problems. He has a bit of a problem with making a bigger deal out of things than they really are. He even calls out of work if he has a headache. My hypothesis is that years of therapy have made him really self centered.

Anywho, I searched through his numerous kinds of medication for the right kind of meds he needed and took them to the small, grocery store he works at. I walked up to him and handed the pills he described, unfortunately they weren't the right kind. I'm not a professional pill popper like him, it all looks the same to me.

I felt bad for bringing the wrong kind, so I decided to compliment him to bring up his self confidence. I figured if he got a compliment it would help his anxiety. So, I said, after I watched him help out his customers, "Wow, Doug. You're really good at your job. You're so nice to people. I couldn't do it." I guess I phrased it wrong, because I CAN be nice to people. He replied with, "You know what Gabby, you just need to...never mind, I'm not going to say it."

What the hell? Just because I don't wipe my customer's ass doesn't mean that I'm not nice to them. He's been criticizing me for weeks about it! I just refuse to take crap from anybody because my boss doesn't expect me to be a doormat! He expects the exact opposite! If I can stick up for myself, I can stick up for my employer's company and not lose him any money! I'm not rude, but if you're being an ass don't expect any help from me.

My roomie tells me that I won't be able to function in the real corporate world. Whatever, I have more job experience than he does from several different companies and I have NEVER been fired. He has, for unreliability. At least I'm reliable! Not only that, but he needs to learn how to take a goddamn compliment after I went all the way to his job with his pills that he really didn't need! AND he took a thirty minute break after I got there! We live 7 minutes from that grocery store, he could have come home and gotten them himself!

Advice anyone? Should I tell him that he's being an ass? And how?

[aqutalion]

He is being an ass.

If you're feeling generous, you could just chalk it up to his lack of medication and ignore it. Then again, I'm assuming these are prescription pills that he takes for some diagnosed condition. If they're not, then chalk it up to his being a flake.

Either way, let him get his own pills from now on. If he complains, do the passive-agressive thing and say that since his time is obviously so precious that he can't get them himself, you wouldn't want to waste any more of it by bringing the wrong ones again.

[Soulstealer]

How much medicine does he have? One of the problems with psychiatry is that some patients get over medicated and over diagnosed. Some of them, like your roommate sounds like, use it as a crutch to be lazy and more self centered than before.

[BookstoreEscapee]

How much medicine does he have? One of the problems with psychiatry is that some patients get over medicated and over diagnosed. Some of them, like your roommate sounds like, use it as a crutch to be lazy and more self centered than before.

I take anti-depressants, and at one point I took anxiety drugs...but I keep it to myself, for the most part. I don't hide it, and if the subject comes up or someone asks about it, I don't mind talking about it, but I don't make an issue of it, either. And when I was taking Xanax, and knew an anxiety/panic attack might hit me at any time...I kept it with me. How hard is that?

[Crazeyal]

Methinks you are both being oversensitive, since you asked for other people's advice. When you get involved with other people, you have to make your demands on them clear. This guy sounds like a whiner. You knew this coming in. You were CLEARLY confused about which medications to bring. You could have either called him back and asked for the prescriptions NAME, or grabbed a grocery bag and brought the whole package.

You KNEW he was a whiner, but you gave him a reason to whine. If you know who you are dealing with, either be smarter than him, or don't let yourself in for abuse. Tell him no, namely because he is unappreciative and mean.

This ISN'T an arguement you can win.. BTW... It's about POV. Self centered people are usually disinclined to emphathize. All you can do is badger or bully them into quietness. That's not winning, that's simply escalating the NEXT arguement.

What you need to do, is make him aware of your tolerance levels. Let him know what he can and cannot say to you. Stick to it. How you end conversations when he's reached that limit is up to you. Just be aware that self centered whiners are notoriously vindictive when challenged.

I have a tendency of ignoring people after they've hit my limit. I've gone so far as to end friendships over selfish acts. This person pays half the rent. Getting rid of a roomate is like changing jobs. Get the new one lined up BEFORE you start making changes. Covering a doubled rent bill is a $#*&ing PAIN!!!

[Seshat]

This is going to be a bit broken-record of me, but I'm going to say what I usually say:
Decide what result you want, and act in a way which will get you that result.

That said: you're responsible for your own emotional state. Eleanor Roosevelt was right, noone can make you feel inferior without your consent. Noone can make you feel anything, if you don't let them.

People telling you things, or acting in any particular way towards you, is like a gift. You can choose to accept it, or choose to donate it to charity, or choose to drop it in a bin.

When you first learn this, and it starts to gel in your mind, it's really hard. 'But so-and-so makes me so ANGRY!' (or 'so unhappy', or whatever emotion.) But it really does work. You learn to look at what so-and-so is saying and doing, and you put a mental barrier between them and you. Imagine them saying it, doing it, to someone else, and imagine how it would look to you.

Most of the time, if it wasn't directed at -you-, you'd interpret the behaviour that makes you so mad/upset/whatever differently from how you interpret it when it's directed at you. (Sometimes, when you look at it objectively, the person who so upsets you reminds you of a four-year-old throwing a tantrum. It really helps me to picture them like that, sometimes.)

The trick is to keep that slight objectivity, and then think about it. Tell whoever you're talking to whatever will make them happy. 'Thank you, I'll certainly think about that' is really good. It's especially good because if you follow my next step it's absolute truth.

Because the next step is to do just that: go away and think about it. Do they have a point? In the OP's case, think 'am I perhaps too abrupt with some of my customers?' If the answer is yes, they do have a point - act on it. If the answer is no - don't.

But if you decide you don't need to change, but want to make the person who has that opinion happier with you, you might choose to modify your behaviour slightly when they're around. Or not. It's your life, it's up to you.

[Jester]

"Can you bring me my meds?"
"Can you do me this favor?"
"Can you help me with this?"

I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request. Means no.

[JustADude]

How much medicine does he have? One of the problems with psychiatry is that some patients get over medicated and over diagnosed. Some of them, like your roommate sounds like, use it as a crutch to be lazy and more self centered than before.

OOooooh yeah. Got a guy here that managed to wrangle his way into a spot on the couch because he was friends with BestBro and The DoD. Ever since a couple weeks after moving in, he's been a complete and total whiny bitch, and he uses his past and his medication as excuses to be a lazy asshole. He's been getting lazier and more of a dick-wad constantly, to the point I haven't even enjoyed my huge-ass TV in MONTHS, because I can't stand to be in the living-room with him.

[iradney]

OOooooh yeah. Got a guy here that managed to wrangle his way into a spot on the couch because he was friends with BestBro and The DoD. Ever since a couple weeks after moving in, he's been a complete and total whiny bitch, and he uses his past and his medication as excuses to be a lazy asshole. He's been getting lazier and more of a dick-wad constantly, to the point I haven't even enjoyed my huge-ass TV in MONTHS, because I can't stand to be in the living-room with him.

Is he contributing to rent? Water? Electricity? Food? Is he cleaning up after himself? If the answer to any of those questions is "No", you need to chat with your other housemates and point out that this guy is a millstone around your necks and a financial leech; and he should maybe think of getting a job or getting kicked out.

[JustADude]

Is he contributing to rent? Water? Electricity? Food? Is he cleaning up after himself? If the answer to any of those questions is "No", you need to chat with your other housemates and point out that this guy is a millstone around your necks and a financial leech; and he should maybe think of getting a job or getting kicked out.

He's hovering right on the line since he does bring in some money, in the form of plasma donations, but he's got a trip planned that we're pretty sure he's not coming back from, so I don't want to cause a ruckus if things are going to work themselves out on their own.

[Gabrielle Proctor]

He is being an ass.

If you're feeling generous, you could just chalk it up to his lack of medication and ignore it. Then again, I'm assuming these are prescription pills that he takes for some diagnosed condition. If they're not, then chalk it up to his being a flake.

Either way, let him get his own pills from now on. If he complains, do the passive-agressive thing and say that since his time is obviously so precious that he can't get them himself, you wouldn't want to waste any more of it by bringing the wrong ones again.

I think it's a mix of both, he IS a flake and he does have mood swings. I think he needs to learn how to deal, but no matter what I say he isn't going to change if he doesn't want to.

[Gabrielle Proctor]

How much medicine does he have? One of the problems with psychiatry is that some patients get over medicated and over diagnosed. Some of them, like your roommate sounds like, use it as a crutch to be lazy and more self centered than before.

TONS! He has about 5 or 6 prescription bottles on his desk. And he does use his meds as an excuse sometimes, but that usually isn't his mode of whining.

[Gabrielle Proctor]

And when I was taking Xanax, and knew an anxiety/panic attack might hit me at any time...I kept it with me. How hard is that?

I don't know why he can't carry his meds with him for his panic attacks. Because like I said above, his meds aren't his usual mode of whining, it's actually his panic attacks and anxiety. I think he over uses it to get out of things he doesn't want to do. His second favorite excuse is, "I'm too tired!" To which my reply, "You can't be THAT tired, you just took another nap."

[Gabrielle Proctor]

Methinks you are both being oversensitive, since you asked for other people's advice. When you get involved with other people, you have to make your demands on them clear. This guy sounds like a whiner. You knew this coming in. You were CLEARLY confused about which medications to bring. You could have either called him back and asked for the prescriptions NAME, or grabbed a grocery bag and brought the whole package.

You KNEW he was a whiner, but you gave him a reason to whine. If you know who you are dealing with, either be smarter than him, or don't let yourself in for abuse. Tell him no, namely because he is unappreciative and mean.

This ISN'T an arguement you can win.. BTW... It's about POV. Self centered people are usually disinclined to emphathize. All you can do is badger or bully them into quietness. That's not winning, that's simply escalating the NEXT arguement.

What you need to do, is make him aware of your tolerance levels. Let him know what he can and cannot say to you. Stick to it. How you end conversations when he's reached that limit is up to you. Just be aware that self centered whiners are notoriously vindictive when challenged.

I have a tendency of ignoring people after they've hit my limit. I've gone so far as to end friendships over selfish acts. This person pays half the rent. Getting rid of a roomate is like changing jobs. Get the new one lined up BEFORE you start making changes. Covering a doubled rent bill is a $#*&ing PAIN!!!

I quoted this whole post because I can comment on almost all of it.

Oversensitive? Like I said before, he has been criticizing me for weeks and not just abut work. Whenever he gets an opportunity, he will attack me no matter what it is. I can ignore it, but it has gone way past that point. After a while it just tears you down whether it's little things or significant ones. And once you get to the point I'm at right now, it doesn't matter what he says, it hurts.

I DID consider taking the lot with me and letting him choose what the right kind was. But that's opening up a whole new can'o'worms. He would demand to know why I had taken them all with me, what if I lost them, what if I had misplaced the whole bag full of hundreds of dollars worth of his meds? He would want to know all of that, and I was sure that I had the pills he described to me(he actually gave me the wrong description and the wrong name of the meds as I later found out) and thought it wuld just be easier to deal with him that way instead of inviting him to badger me about taking all of his meds with me.

Seriously, I know I brought it on myself, but if I had said no, he would have started with the, "You don't love me" crap. He never would have let that one go.

I have made him quite aware of my tolerance levels. He just doesn't care I guess. I have told him some of the things that bug the hell out of me, like when he makes loud screeching noises in the morning that wakes me up(I really don't want to be awake at 7 AM if I don't have to be) when he lets his destructive cat in my room(he destroys my fabric I make clothes out of), or when he claps loudly and randomly in a small car(that one does a number on your ears, hence why I don't ride with him anymore). He still does all of it even though I have reminded him several times not to.

I have started to let him know when an conversation is over or when he just needs to leave me alone. I do what I did to the 3 year old I had to work with, I ignore him. Period.

It's a learning experience. And I have learned what ticks him off and I refrain from doing those things. He, on the other hand, isn't learning anything. I have been trying to avoid him mostly.

[Gabrielle Proctor]

Because the next step is to do just that: go away and think about it. Do they have a point? In the OP's case, think 'am I perhaps too abrupt with some of my customers?' If the answer is yes, they do have a point - act on it. If the answer is no - don't.

But if you decide you don't need to change, but want to make the person who has that opinion happier with you, you might choose to modify your behaviour slightly when they're around. Or not. It's your life, it's up to you.

No. He doesn't have a point. I am good to my customers, but like I said, I wipe no one's ass but my own.

It's not that he has ever seen me work, it's just when we exchange CS stories. If I tell him about a sucky customer, he'll say, "Well, that's life, you have to get used to it because you can't survive in retail anywhere else with that attitude." But whenever he tells me about some sucky customer, he expects me to listen and sympathize.

Well, no more. I'll just tell him the same thing he tells me next time.