Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[catcul]

I am allowed to say, "I handed the shipment to the mail room."
I am not allowed to say, "I showed my package to the woman in the mail room, and she grabbed it without hesitation."

[Ironclad Alibi]

I am allowed to say, "I handed the shipment to the mail room."
I am not allowed to say, "I showed my package to the woman in the mail room, and she grabbed it without hesitation."

Methinks you have been hanging out with Kit_Ginevra too much.

[catcul]

Methinks you have been hanging out with Kit_Ginevra too much.

You can't play in the gutter without getting dirty.

[dalesys]

You can't play in the gutter without getting dirty.

Poosticks in Ankh-Morpork FTW!

[catcul]

Poosticks in Ankh-Morpork FTW!

I am not allowed to play with dalesys's stick while on the clock.

[catcul]

I am allowed to say, "I vacuumed your workstation."
I am not allowed to say, "I gave you a suck under your desk last week."

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Why yes, I am quite good at using the air gun to blow away the little metal terminals that sometimes get left behind by the robot picking them, causing the press to stop and alarm until they are removed.

This doesn't mean I'm allowed to announce I give better blowjobs than anybody else on staff.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Slow TF down, you can't please everybody, you are not a Stanley tumbler.

[Ironclad Alibi]

Stanley tumbler? No thanks, I am loyal to my Yeti tumbler.

[AkaiKitsune]

I am not allowed to deliberately phrase things so as to make other people's mind immediately jump feet first into the gutter to go swimming.

I'm not allowed to refer to the the machine that opens the plastic shipper all our candy comes in as the candy stripper.

Telling someone I do needlework and embroidery is acceptable. Telling them I enjoy stabbing things after work is not.

When someone tries to insult me creatively or tell me what I can do with an object/myself I am not allowed to "improve their form" or "expand their imagination" by explaining how a certain Sgt of my acquaintance was far more creative....then proceed to demonstrate by listing all the things I have been told to can be reliably done with human anatomy even if some of that anatomy has to be disassembled to achieve the desired effect.

[catcul]

I am allowed to complain about the low temperatures.
I am not allowed to say, "It's so cold, I'm afraid I'll freeze my dipstick off."

[AkaiKitsune]

I am not allowed to make jokes about "the long nap" or the "Remington retirement plan" around civvies when talking to my buddies still in. They get all concerned and disturbed at not that dark of humor.

[Rosco the Iroc]

I am not allowed to make jokes about "the long nap" or the "Remington retirement plan" around civvies when talking to my buddies still in. They get all concerned and disturbed at not that dark of humor.

LOL yea funny if your around civ that claim to be about dark humor and you drop a comment that could be a hate crime on several states and they just stare trying to comprehend the joke so dark light bends awards it.

[AkaiKitsune]

LOL yea funny if your around civ that claim to be about dark humor and you drop a comment that could be a hate crime on several states and they just stare trying to comprehend the joke so dark light bends awards it.

Not this incident but a different one. Was getting some hours in on my medical training which required me to shadow a paramedic. We took a call to someone who accidently discharged his weapon into his leg. I made a comment about not how he must have missed a payment in his Remington retirement so he only got partial coverage...the paramedic gave me this utterly horrified look. Must have been a new guy.

Yeah, there's a reason nobody asks me about ordering anymore. Apparently rope and a wobbly stool is not something that can be ordered or that should be put on the request list.

But yeah. I've hit that place in life where my filter is gone. In fact it may have been blown up and in several irreparable pieces.

Dealing with racists can be fun as well. Had to kick a guy out who was being an ass to other customers and then he decided no to leave the premise so I called the cops. Now these two drop dead gorgeous, centerfold worthy, black cops step out andi went to point the dumbass out. First thing this idiot says when he sees two black cops and a white woman pointing him out is "you fucking n***** lover..." to which my response was "well, there's a reason big black cock is the most searched word on pornhub" and gave the lovely officers an obvious wink. Left the fucker speechless and would have made the cops job easy if they didn't need to prop eachother up from laughing so hard. I find racists expect anger and outrage. They expect of someoneis laughing it will be with them not at them. They have no idea what to do when someone turns their words back on them and makes them the laughing stock.

[Dreamstalker]

Hiding a plastic spider in the boxes of bananas is definitely frowned upon.