Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[ChickenGoddess]

I am not allowed to tell my manager to 'stop acting like a little brother' even if he is.

[GingerBiscuit]

I am not allowed to sing when customers are in the store.

Especially when the lyrics include sex, blood, or violence.

Even though I'm in management now.

[Igorina]

*I am not allowed to use the paper shredder to make a hula skirt and give my boss the experimental results via Polynesian dance.

*I am not allowed to say, 'I'm from the government, I'm here to help' to unsuspecting members of the public.

*Chained to the lab bench is a metaphor, not an invitation.

*Not allowed to play porn music to encourage the colonies.

*Not allowed to leave visible marks on the post-docs.

[bars.of.a.rhyme]

-Not allowed to make an Ultimate Latte Of Ultimate Destiny using one pump of every sauce/syrup (about 20 different flavors).
-Not allowed to run wash sink until the entire kitchen is full of suds, no matter how dirty it is.
-Not allowed to use hoses, packing tape, a sauce pump, a wrench, a pair of vice grips, some towels, an empty mop handle, a few mutilated cups, a tray, and a half-hour of company time to construct an Ice Melting Device to help facilitate the cleaning of the ice machine.
-Not allowed to empty the Irish Cream syrup bottle and fill it up with actual Irish Cream.
-Same goes for the espresso syrup and Kahlua.
-Not allowed to write horrible puns on the "drink of the week" chalkboard ("It's so cold outside...SNOW wonder you want a gingerbread latte!")
-Not allowed to sneak shots of espresso into kids drinks.
-Even if I can totally make them sweet enough that nobody will ever know.
-Not allowed to talk like a valley girl until my coworker starts pulling his hair out.
-Not allowed to talk like I'm from "Sowth Cah-uh-lah-nuh" either.
-Especially if the only word I can say correctly in that particular dialect is "Cah-uh-lah-nuh."
-Not allowed to bring my hamster in for show-and-tell, even if I'm off the clock.
-Not allowed to have contests to see who can drink the most espresso without visible effect, even if I'm sure I'll win.
-Especially if I'm sure I'll win.

[coldcupofjoe]

I am not allowed to tell my service manager that he needs to get dirty.
I am not allowed to throw an oily rag at my service manager after telling him he needs to get dirty.
Degreaser is not holy, nor should I try to bless peoples cars with it.
Even if the car did just randomly start by itself.
Telling customers that their car had to be sent to the farm because it would have a place to run and play is improper.
Especially after the customer just told me that was how they lost their first pet when they were a child.
Threatening to toss a lit match down a gas tank is wrong.
Even if the car is blocking my bay and I have work to do.
Telling customers that the ford house next door is really an elaborate park and ride is not funny.
Unless there are no ford salesmen in earshot.
When raising a car, I shouldn't randomly shout an obscenity and run.
Don't offer test drives to customers without any pesky salesmen in the car telling them to try and keep the car at legal speeds.
Especially the 08 Shelby 500 GT Mustang we have on the lot.
Cans of B12 are not be used as flamethrowers.
Do not hide behind my bench and shoot flaming B12 at my coworkers when they walk by.
Or at my service manager.
Or service writer.
Or salesmen.
Or parts guys.
Or the UPS guy.
Or the parts delivery guy.
I'm not allowed to ask who it is ok to shoot flaming B12 at.
Especially not while staring at one of the make-ready guys.
I shouldn't ask the make-ready guys to go find me a can of blinker fluid.
Or cans of vacuum.
Even if they are standing around in my bay getting in my way because they have nothing to do when it's raining outside.

[Sharsarannon]

I may not scrape charcoal pencil dust onto the black seat cushions we use to make the drawing horses more comfortable seats.
No matter how funny it would be for someone to sit in it.

[Becks]

I can't wander around the store with an orange and ask people if they want to see my navel.

[thegiraffe]

I can't wander around the store with an orange and ask people if they want to see my navel.

I just may have to try that. That's hilarious!

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

• When a coworker pisses me off, do not corner them in the backroom, take off my shoe and slam it against a box shouting "I WILL BURY YOU!"
• When paging a coworker to call an extension ending in 9, may not change the 9 to "niner"
• Therefore, no 1-4-niners, no 1-6-niners, no niners of any kind
• The garbage compactor is not an escape chute. When a full dumpster is taken away and we're waiting for an empty one to be attached to the compactor, must not shimmy out the chute and make a break for it.
• Not allowed to seal up CBFH in a huge box and put him on the truck to be shipped back to the DC
• Unless we poke some airholes in the box
• But CBFH does not deserve airholes.
• Must not hang clipstips of condoms in front of magazines with Jamie Lynn Spears on the cover
• Especially not the pleasure packs
• Must not ask male coworkers to "pick up the checkout candy pull on aisle 4" (back in the day that was our way of saying there was a smokingly hot chick in that aisle"
• Mooning is not an acceptable way to express displeasure with a coworker
• Or an SC
• Even though they deserve it!
• Must resist temptation to pull Saydrah's "trouser snake" trick using the cheap-ass toy snakes in the toy department

[Bella_Vixen]

Not allowed to say that we hate anyone or anything.

Not allowed to say someone should be fired...even if it's true.

Apparently a DM from the Madtown division came into my store the other night, and overheard parts of a discussion and talked to a DM in my area, who talked to our DM, who talked to my manager, who talked to me about it.

I had to watch the tapes to try to figure out what was said.

The thing is, the discussion in question happened AFTER I left.

[edible_hat]

I'm not allowed to reply to "How much is this?" with "If you have to ask, you'll never know"

[edible_hat]

I am not allowed to encourage misuse of duct tape.

There's a difference between not encouraging and discouraging...

[Dark-Star]

I am not allowed to dump a cup of water on the head of a sleeping student (at least, not as a sub )

A history teacher at my old middle school had a famous 'book-drop alarm'. See a snoozing student? Just drop the very heavy teachers-edition book flat on the table next to them. Instant wakeup, often with humorous results.

I heard tell of a music teacher who did the same with a set of cymbals...but that stopped when a parent threatened to sue for hearing damage. Bs, of course, but he had to stop.

Now he signals the entire orchestra to play a high note at maximum volume. They nearly always comply!

[Saydrah]

QA does not stand for Quiche Acquisition.

Therefore, I mustn't demand to know why my presence on the QA team hasn't yet caused me to obtain delicious quiche.

The CEO's office is not the place for pranks. Even if he DID leave it unlocked and leave the state for a week.

[lordlundar]

A history teacher at my old middle school had a famous 'book-drop alarm'. See a snoozing student? Just drop the very heavy teachers-edition book flat on the table next to them. Instant wakeup, often with humorous results.

Meter stick on desk for one of mine. I think there's still holes in the ceiling from people hanging from it.