Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[JoitheArtist]

I am required to be "proactive."

I am not allowed to make final decisions on anything.

I am not allowed to be cynical, especially around new hires.


And yet, I AM allowed to run my remote-controlled Dalek around the office, threatening to exterminate everyone.

[edible_hat]

I'm not allowed to threaten/attempt to start food fights with visiting reps.

[daleduke17]

If I was still at the grocery store, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be allowed to suggest a customer check out our sister store down the street.

Just because that particular store is 40 miles one way away, in another city two counties away. But, by God, it's on the same street. :-p

[the toy guy]

I'm no longer allowed to:

-pretend to stab coworkers with the foam pirate swords

-or the lightsabers

-hide the giant remote-controlled tarantula under fixtures to scare guests

-or on the registers to scare coworkers

-or inside the tills to scare managers

[SteeleDragon78]

from the aviation school

im not allowed to string 5 magneto capacitors together in paralell and use metal tape and aligator clips to shock my instructors stool.

im not allowed to put a zerc fitting on a fellow students rollaway and use the pneumatic grease gun to fill it up.(took 14 tubes)

im not allowed to yell "CONTACT" when someone is looking in the carb intake of the big radial engine.

or the small turbine mockup.

or the 727 nacell.

not allowed to use fuel tank sealant to glue a cock-juggling-gutter-slut to her chair. (we covered the whole chair and she sat fully in it, mean yes, but she deserved that one)

and from my favorite electronics instructor, im not allowed to make cricket boards and hid them in other peoples desks, tool boxes, engine cowls, book bags, glove boxes, or back seats.

ill think of the rest later

[edible_hat]

I'm not allowed to

-suggest people try the ethanol fuel instead when they ask for directions to the nearest pub.
-replace the owner's special chiropractic cushion with a whoopee cushion.
-use the price board to spell rude words in l33tsp34k.

[Becks]

Have I mentioned that I'm not allowed to wear a party hat at work on my birthday?

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Not allowed to refer to lazy, unmotivated female employees who spend more time flirting with the male employees than working as "cock-juggling gutter sluts" (I sincerely wish I thought of that one myself--thanks SteeleDragon78)

Even though it's freaking TRUE!

And it isn't because they aren't flirting with me.

Not allowed to tell customers our sofas are "probably already broken."

Even though it's freaking TRUE! Seriously, half of them end up being returned and defected out due to rips in the fabric or other problems.

Not allowed to refer to Jitterbug cell phones (which we just started carrying--one of about 20 stores in the company to have them) as "cell phones for old farts."

Even though it's freaking TRUE!

Meat tenderizers are not "implements of extremely negative reinforcement" and I am not allowed to keep one in the backroom for attitude adjustments as necessary.

Numbnuts might be an exception. Might.

[SteeleDragon78]

holy s**t i got quoted? wow,
more from the a&p school,
not allowed to safety wire a sleeping student to his chair via his belt loops.
even though it was better than the ones i did on the test board.

not allowed to set said students jeans fringe (ripped jeans with the long hair strings hanging down) on fire and wait to see how long it takes him to wake up. (did i mention that he slept through a 4 hr lecture on wooden aircraft structures that the instructor pulled his test questions from? no? )

not allowed to lube sleeping students butt cracks with 5606 hydraulic fluid. (its red and gets into EVERYTHING)

not allowed to walk up to the 727 mockup during sheetmetal class with a claw hammer and pretend to remove clecos from the skin. (for laymen you take them out with cleco pliers)

not allowed to put tubes on the air blowers and shoot drill bits at the ceiling.
Or earplugs.
Or spitwads.
Or pizza crust bits.
Definitely not gum.

(didn’t do this one but saw it happen) not allowed to replace cjgs pepsi with someones dip bottle.

That’s all for now, more later.
sd

[SG15Z]

At my work you can't have Pool Noodle fights in the middle of the promo aisle!

If my SM happens to read this. Please know this is hypothetical and never happened, and former FES E____ was not involved! Honest!

[edible_hat]

I'm not allowed to add "Wash Ed's car" to coworkers' job lists. Not that it worked either time I tried it...

[Shangri-laschild]

I'm not allowed to talk about the coming zombie apolcolypse and what the children will be used for in front of my boss.

[SteeleDragon78]

a couple from working at lowes

not allowed to hop on the big husquvarna(sp) manual trany tractor and demonstrate its wheelie popping abilities. (if you put it in high/6th gear and popped the clutch, or just let go too quickly it would bring the front of the mower up about 2ft and nearly toss you off)

not allowed to do donuts with the ztr mowers in the back with the store manager on another mower doing burnouts.(seriously happened)

not allowed to string up a co irker to the wall by his clothing with a ramset gun.

or hang him from the overheads with zip ties.

not allowed to put my iced tea in a gas can marked [dragons] tea.

not allowed to "adjust" the mower carbs removing the governer and racing them in the back lot.

i miss that contract. more later

[edible_hat]

There is to be absolutely no shaking Coke cans while restocking the fridge.

Also Coke bottles, Pepsi cans and bottles, and all other containers of carbonated beverages.

[Shangri-laschild]

-Not allowed to take potshots at the flies with the airsofts, even if the previous guy did kill a mouse with one (yes while at work )