Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[bookishfreak]

. Not allowed to take a bat and write "customer persuasion stick" on it and put it in the office.
. Not allowed to wage war on the pharmacy
. Not allowed to start a store wide debate about which is cooler pirates or ninjas? (Pirates. Duh.)
. Not allowed to nickname the customers.
. Not allowed to play on the PA...even if it does confuse the heck out of people.
. Not allowed to speak in a french accent to try and fool customers.
. Especially not allowed to throw a tantrum in above accent

[Hobbs]

-MY managers are not officers, therefore I do not have to report in to them.
-I can't give my discount to airmen.
-Nor to the cute air-women.
-Not allowed to hit on the air-women.
-Not allowed to celebrate my inability to help a customer with cologne because the men's fragrances case is broken.
-Cannot encourage the customers to complain to the DM because of the several items broken in the store (PA, faucet, cologne case etc...).

[Becks]

As of right now, I am not allowed to dye my hair a shade of red known as Ruby Twilight.

. Not allowed to start a store wide debate about which is cooler pirates or ninjas? (Pirates. Duh.)

No, no, no. You're TOTALLY wrong.

Ninja pirates are where it's at.

[Geek King]

No, no, no. You're TOTALLY wrong.

Ninja pirates are where it's at.

I got you both beat: Ninja Pirate Leprechauns!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtIot...eature=related


***EDIT*** Not allowed to one-up Becks or bookishfreak. It gets my leg-benders beaten with bats. owie.

[Becks]

***EDIT*** Not allowed to one-up Becks or bookishfreak. It gets my leg-benders beaten with bats. owie.

I didn't beat you with a bat for one-upping me.

It was for posting a link to YouTube and I have a dialup computer.

[Ghel]

I am not allowed to make jokes about dead customers.
Especially about the manner in which they died.

[fireheart]

Special Gamelan Practice Edition:

-I am not allowed to read this website during my lecture.
-Not allowed to use MSN during said lecture.
-Must not climb THROUGH the gigantic gongs. (The gongs are about 3 feet diameter in pairs and are very low in sound)
-The instruments are ancient. So stop joking that the kempul/gong are the ancient version of doof doof music.
-Stop calling the elephant shaped statue that my tutor makes offerings to as Ganesh.
-Udan Mas is not a rain song.

(for those who are unfamiliar, kempul/gong are a series of gongs that hang off of a rack and are struck with mallets. They have a small raised area, so they look a bit like pot lids.)

[AriRashkae]

No matter how much I wanted, I was never allowed to put up anything like this sign

But when we open our own place.....

[Bagboy]

Not allowed to execute order 66 upon anyone.
Cannot have mock lightsaber duels in the aisles.
I cannot start belting out "Come on Eilene" by Dexys midnight runners.

[HorrorFrogPrincess]

Not allowed to put Post-It notes on cars that park in the Director's space.

But I do it anyway.

[Hobbs]

*From ROTC

When in line at Panda Express, I cannot practice Dining Hall procedures.
Our CO is Col. Firmin, not 'mom.'
Our Commandant is Maj. Bailey, not 'dad.'
Our Recruiting Officer is Maj. Blevins, not 'Uncle Tony.'
A POC is always right. Even if they're wrong.
If a POC corrects me, and he/she happens to be younger than me, I cannot tell them to, "respect their elders."
Telling pilot jokes to those who've received pilot slots? Bad idea.
I am not to sing a Katy Perry song in the showers ever again.
Beat-boxing electro 'stripper' music while other cadets change is frowned upon.
Not allowed to refer to my PTU (physical training uniform) as 'jammies.'
Don't gloat to my former flight commander that I got a better grade on a test than he did.

[Becks]

I'm not allowed to take two Beanie Baby crabs, hand them to coworkers and inform them that I just gave them crabs.

[Bella_Vixen]

Not allowed to ask the NMOD about getting crabs from Becks.

[AgentSkippy]

Not allowed to do in Security

-Not allowed to title my Medical Incident Reports “Stairs = Mass Pwnage”.
-Not allowed to title myself “Lead Security Officer”, “The Security Coordinator”, “The Security Administrator”, or “Security Agent” in a effort to sign more important, even if I rightfully deserve the title (my title is “Security Specialist”).
-Weekday Morning Shift Squad is not 1337.
-No weapons are to be carried on duty, including blow up dolls.
-Not allowed to challenge my Two-time-Iraq-vet Partner to Bourne-Style hand-to-hand combat in a effort to settle a dispute: I will lose.
-Not allowed to drink “Espresso injected with material to give it a extra solid boost” ever again.
-The aforementioned drink does not throw me forward in time.
-Nor does it help me predict the future.
-My call sign over the radio is “A-Six-Five”, not “McLovin”.
-or MacGuyver.
-The “Specialist Creed” of the Army, made famous by the Internet, does not apply to me.
-Not allowed to wear my “UR MOM” necklace under my shirt, even if it is a lucky charm that saved me from death.
-Even if I do consider it of religious value.
-Even if I do threaten to call the ACLU.
-Same goes for the Cross my girlfriend from Guatemala gave me.
-Not allowed to tow the CEO’s car.
-That “off-white beater VW bug looking thing” in the CEO’s parking space is not what I think it is.
-Do not put “DO NOT PARK HERE” signs on that car.
-In fact, its not a “off-white beater VW bug”, its actually a RARE classic 1950s-model Porsche and its worth more than the lives of this entire squad combined!
-Not allowed to take my Acura RSX and challenge the CEO to a street race on the day he brought his Ferrari to work.
-Not allowed to tow the expensive cars of “high-up corporate douche bags” I do not like.
-Just because the Nursing Mothers are starting a support group, does not mean I get to start a support group for guys discuss things like “that rash in between my thigh” and “that night at the club…”.
-That dirty white women’s thong we found in the lobby outside the company cafe is NOT mine, I swear!
-Not allowed to not write an incident report regarding the missing chair of a SVPs assistant.
-Even if we did find it.
-Even if virtually EVERYONE IN THE COMPANY HAS THE EXACT SAME make, model, type and is adjustable…
-Not allowed to mention “sexual misconduct” in the incident report of a investigation regarding over half-million dollars in stolen property..
-There is no secret covert war between my dispatchers in another state and day shift.
-Even if they are incompetent 95% of the time and act like they know everything.
-Not allowed to make redneck jokes to the dispatchers, even if they are from a “hick” state (I was born in VA and raised in the Carolina’s so I can make hick jokes)
-Not allowed to talk in New Jersey accents to the Dispatchers to sound tough (”Get outta here!”).
-Not allowed to talk in Spanish to the dispatchers: they don’t know what you’re saying.
-Not allowed to talk in Redneck accents to the dispatchers.
-Or to the visiting engineer from our India office. (They don’t know the concept of rednecks).
-Not allowed to make the sounds of a Mack truck backing up (beep beep beep) even if the badging clerk’s love handles are hanging out from her shirt for all to see.
-Not allowed to watch porn on the flat screen plasma TV display screens.
-Not allowed to watch South Park when the day is slow (in honor of Skippy).
-Not allowed to sneak up on my National Account Manager and yell "BOO!" after learning he is scared of me.
-Don't think. Security Personell who Independently think forthemselves = Dangerous
-Not allowed to spend my entire shift at the desk watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer, The Unit and NCIS while drinking Soda and eating Nutter Butters, even if it is raining, hailing, with windchill, gail force winds, and no criminal even of insane mind would be out in that weather.
-Not allowed to laugh evilly when told the Receptionist filed a complaint against me because I told her I am not her slave or live child or babies daddy.
-Not allowed to taunt the Receptionists with Starbucks. It's mean.
-Even if they do not like my partner and I and are trying to get us in trouble all the time and it is undeserved.

*After I switched to another account*
-Not allowed to pray audibly "Please look like Megan Fox...Please look like Megan Fox" when told I'd be working with the new girl.
-Not allowed to gasp in disbelief and proclaim "Sa-weeeeeeeeet", "niiiiiiice", "SCORE!", or "Victory is mine!" when I discover she does not look like Megan Fox but is actually a really hot, skinny, tall girl from Korea.
-or say "Buenos Dias."
-or "How you doin?" like Joey from Friends
-She's married and you're taken Skippy(true: my girlfriend is way hotter)
-Not allowed to challenge the japanese CEO to Kill Bill style sword duel. He IS Japanese, he has no sense of humor, and he WILL kill my ass.
-Rookie does not replace Trainee.

[HorrorFrogPrincess]

I'm not allowed to swear.

For serious. Apparently, there's some policy that says we can't swear at work. I mean, I know it's unprofessional, but damn!