Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

• No waterboarding co-workers.
  
• Even if they fricking deserve it!
  
• There's a reason I was asked not to rick-roll the swamp on April Fools Day.
  
• So next year be more quiet when discussing it.
  
• When somebody asks me where to put another stinkin' pallet of laundry detergent or another box of patio chairs, because the Super Duper Uber Mega Super Stupendous Lowest Prices of the Season sale starts next week (), don't say "I suggest the compactor."

[Salted Grump]

I'm not allowed to put the song 'Detachable Penis' up as generic background music in any store, regardless of if it's April first or not.

[fireheart]

I am not allowed to stick my hands (or body) into the front end storage fridge for a few minutes, then ask my coworkers if they want to feel how cold my hands are.

[Squeaksmyalias]

Not allowed to tuck myself between the dryer and the wall and wait for the boss to turn it on. Then bang against the side and make angry and upset meows like one of the cats is in the dryer. The boss's look was priceless. I'm still not sure why it's a rule, I only planned on doing it once. Makes it more fun that way.

[fireheart]

I'm not allowed to ask if the bin filled with water next to the smoke counter is being used as an ashtray.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

When electronics specialist....heads of to the little boy's room for one of his 14 daily poop breaks...do not sneak a package of irritable bowel syndrome medication onto his counter to greet him when he comes back.

Because medical problems like that are serious biz.

[Igorina]

Not allowed to collect frost from the various freezers and have a snowball fight.
Nor am I allowed to make snowmen with the frost.
No growing tomatoes for my sandwiches in the greenhouses.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

When presentation supervisor comes by with a cart heaped with overfill from the shelves, and lectures me on the latest merchandise presentation rules I had no clue existed, a proper response is not "Gee! I didn't know the DM had OCD! Is he taking anything for it?"

Our DM is not Adrian Monk.

Quit making fun of my co-worker, because he went to McDonalds and bought a salad instead of one of the greasy burgers everybody else goes there for.

Do not speculate this is because he likes tossed salad.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

The following words are never to pass my lips for any reason:

"Don't worry folks. I'm a fire marshall."

[Racket_Man]

The following words are never to pass my lips for any reason:

"Don't worry folks. I'm a fire marshall."

OK I gotta ask. what's the story behind this is.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

OK I gotta ask. what's the story behind this is.

You need to watch moar In Living Color.

That's what Fire Marshall Bill (as played by Jim Carrey) usually says before he sets some building on fire, usually explosively.

ETA: In keeping with the In Living Color theme of most of my most recent posts, another verboten Christmas song is the Dysfunctional Home Show 8 days of Christmas:

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
8 restraining orders
7 pills-a-popping
6 packs of beer
5 dry heaves
4 counts of battery
3 black eyes
2-timing wives
and a can of pork an' beans

PORK AN' BEANS!

[fireheart]

From the medieval fair on the weekend:

-Do not whack someone over the head with a sealed bag full of popcorn.
-Jokes about spear size corresponding to male anatomy size are not funny.
-No imitating our smartass former training officer when he's doing commentary on the field.
-I am not allowed to offer tastings of the Viking cuisine to the public (this is OHS rules, not mine)
-I am not allowed to tell people that I am drinking mead in my drinking horn during the day when it is not really mead. (It was actually Coke)
-I am not allowed to duck through the river "bridge" to get to our campsite (there was a dam of sorts made from rock that we could walk over safely, it was blocked off to the public)

[NiennasMaid]

-Jokes about spear size corresponding to male anatomy size are not funny.

Yes they are.

Seriously, you're not allowed to make those kinds of jokes?? Geez, at the one Ren Faire I went to once, I think they got PAID to make those jokes...they were funny, too!

[Racket_Man]

I am not allowed to call my GM the "Master of the Blue Pants"

[fireheart]

Seriously, you're not allowed to make those kinds of jokes?? Geez, at the one Ren Faire I went to once, I think they got PAID to make those jokes...they were funny, too!

Not when they involve our more senior members.

I can make the jokes, just not in public.