Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[zombiequeen]

When asked what time it is, I should not answer with any of the following:

• "It's about that time again."
• "It's Miller Time."
• "The time of purification is at hand."
• "It's clobbering time."
• "Half past a monkey's ass, quarter to his balls."

TOOL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry...had to add it. Unless you're allowed to say that, then it's awesome.

I'm not allowed to kill myself my sticking my head in the vat of cinnamon-sugar. (I'm allergic to cinnamon, and the night cook thought that one up)
Not allowed to ever have a sharp pointy, unless the night cook is keeping an eye on me.
Not allowed to disembowel the dishers because they think I will cheat on my husband with them.
Not allowed to be pushed around on a cart, going "PEW PEW PEW" to random people, especially counselors and campers.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

And I'm probably not allowed to take the store manager's keys from him and lock him up for close to an hour in the store by himself.

[Geek King]

I am not allowed to stack the copier paper deliveries by myself anymore.

I am not allowed to point out the lack of space for the large number of boxes delivered.

I am not allowed to point out much of the over-ordering issue would be taken care of if departments would order their own paper--like they are supposed to per procurement rules--instead of taking finance's and filing transfer paperwork.

I am not allowed to fix space vs. number of boxes issue by making stacks over eight feet tall, even if I do prove nothing is going to make them fall short of a demolition charge or improper removal of boxes.

I am not allowed to "forget" that the two receptionists and one maintenance man who come to get the paper are all under five feet tall.

[superhotelworker]

I am not allowed to hit the big printer.
Breaking the printer is bad SHW. BAD!
I really shouldn't send assholes to the FuckupFairy from Fairview. It makes the Regional boss mad if I pick on his golden boy.
I really shouldn't leave a note on the housekeepers timecard that says she shouldn't put the vacuum in the doorway, less she wants me to kick her in the shin so she knows how I feel (SERIOUSLY OW!)
I really REALLY Shouldn't have Minion on my Skype at work. Bad SHW. BAD.

[fireheart]

I am not allowed to hit the big printer.
Breaking the printer is bad SHW. BAD!

So you can't beat it up with a baseball bat?

[DGoddessChardonnay]

I can't stuff my store manager in a banana box and send him to the Reclaim Center marked as Product Recall, no matter how defective he is.

No playing Fortress in the back room using the great wall of Coke 2 ltrs that's been sitting in the back room for the past week and pelting passers-by with damaged cans.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

So you can't beat it up with a baseball bat?

Damn it feels good to be a gangster.

[fireheart]

This is one from a few weeks ago:

I am not allowed to sing "The Ultimate Showdown" at work.

[superhotelworker]

I'm not allowed to send straight men to the gay club. They don't find it funny.

I should not say kiss my ass in Gaelic.

[RestaurantDude]

The Jedi Mind Trick does not work on site security, and as it happens, they do need to see my papers, and those probably are the servers they are looking for.

Not allowed to test 9v batteries with the lick method.

(1)Deactivating the UID lamp on a server, then activating the UID lamp on a nearby server of the same model is only funny the first time.

Don't prop that door open.

Don't prop that door open either.

Yes, even if you are going to be going right back in, and will be pushing a cart with 1500lbs of servers onnit (up a ramp), you still need to fumble for your pass card.

Yes, that server really does need to go right at the top of the rack. Even if you can't actually lift it that high. Do it. (I'm short...)

The deer that congregate in the car park at night have the right of way.





(1) NOTE: For those that don't know, the UID lamp is generally used to identify a server in need of maintenance. It can be activated remotely, or by pressing a button on the front and rear of the server itself, and is generally a bright LED on both the front and rear panels of the server. Invaluable for locating a specific server in a room of hundreds.

I should not say kiss my ass in Gaelic.

You have to teach me how to say it! My grandmother was fluent in Gaelic, but, being a proper lady, would never abide foul language. It could soooooo come in handy at work, though.

On that note, i am not allowed to say "for f*cks sake" in Klingon @ work. Or, really, anything in Klingon, for that matter.

[Mytical]

Some of these probably would need an explanation, but that wouldn't be as much fun.

I am not allowed to cross my arms and glare at somebody.

I am not allowed to 'growl'. "And what do you want?" especially while having my head down while standing, with my hands flat on the desk.

I am no longer allowed to dress up on Halloween, though everybody else is

Under no circumstances am I supposed to offer to shake the main bosses hand. Ever.

I am not allowed to be standing when reprimanded by my boss, especially while violating rule 1.

I am not to jokingly say. "Well looks like you are stuck inside then." when the rotating door stops working. No matter how many times people come up to me and tell me this..yes even if the door stops working every 5 minutes. (There will be a story, oh yes..even if most will find it boring )

I am no longer allowed to offer to lift a person to retrieve something from a high place, and no it doesn't matter that I CAN do it. That is what a ladder is for.

I am no longer allowed to say. "I'm a breast man myself." when offered (for the umpteenth time) a date with some random female workers 'guy friend'. The correct reply is "I am sorry, I am straight." (Like I havn't said that umpteen times).

I am not allowed to show my Dragon Con pictures anymore. Despite there being nothing even pg-13 in them. *shrugs*.

[fireheart]

I am no longer allowed to dress up on Halloween, though everybody else is

Under no circumstances am I supposed to offer to shake the main bosses hand. Ever.

I am not allowed to be standing when reprimanded by my boss, especially while violating rule 1.

These three demand an explanation

Oh and a new one for me:

No making fun of the Capilano honey song at work.

[Magpie]

You have to teach me how to say it! My grandmother was fluent in Gaelic, but, being a proper lady, would never abide foul language. It could soooooo come in handy at work, though.

póg mo thóin

Yes, there is a band named for that. The idea was that it looked "cultured" and anyone who was going to get offended by the rude language probably didn't know the translation, so it was ok.

[RestaurantDude]

Are you referring to the band that eventually came to be known as The Pogues? If so... About half my iPod is filled with their stuff.

[Magpie]

Yes, yes I am.