Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

^^^You forgot "select something, abandon the KY someplace, and then go check out."

[RestaurantDude]

Not allowed to panel the Admin into an empty server rack (that is, shove him in there, then put all the blank face panels on so he can't get out). Apparently, that isn't funny.

... Doing the same to the New Guy, however, is apparently funny as hell!



.......Last night was... fun.

[superhotelworker]

I am not allowed to 'mourn' the death of one of our 3 nodes, when it crashes. LOL

I should not threaten to throw the system outside in front of guests, they may think I'm serious.

I should not laugh when mommy manager texts me about some idjit putting a plastic wrapped muffin in the microwave with 24 minute timer set. She doesn't find it funny.

[fireheart]

[B][U]54. I will not tell applicants to "Run while you still can!"

Extend that to the new hire and I've done it.

Not allowed, near the end of a long day, to drive a pallet jack around the store while banging a peghook against the handle and scream, "BRING OUT YOUR DEAD."

Co-workers not allowed to be "collected".

Not allowed to act out that scene with a co-worker. (I don't wana ride on the cart.)

When unloading the truck and the front of the trailer becomes visible, do not run through the backroom screaming, "Repend ye sinners, the end is near." (That happened at the end of a 12.5 hour day.)

-I am not allowed to say over the intercom, "Attention customers! There is a pearlescent Escalade in the parking lot with it's headlights on. Oh, nevermind, a nice big guy in a black toboggan just turned them off for you. But I think he accidentally busted your window in the process."

I'm not allowed to do this with MY car.

I am not allowed to snicker at innocent words in the in-store announcements. (ex.--"Tenderloin" "He said loin." )

Try the Capilano honey song....gutter minds abound.

here's another one for you, it is generally considered inappropriate in polite company, or while behind the milk rack to pop your head out and moan "...brains..." near passing children.

I should've done that at Halloween.

Oh! Oh! Just remembered these.

- Not allowed to refer to new hires as "Fresh meat to taint and corrupt."
- Same goes for looking at them and laughing in any form.
- When asked for tips for a new hire in my former department, "Find a small, infrequently visited area and hide." is not acceptable.

I am so doing some of these next week! (we have a new hire at NewStore and my friend will be the "fresh meat" at OtherStore)

[Becks]

I was told this* on my next to last shift.**

I'm not allowed to burn the place down.

I am, however, allowed to just burn the deli department down, as long as it's contained to that one area.


*By my department manager.

**Neither of us knew it was my next to last shift.

[fireheart]

We do not sell Canned Unicorn Meat. So stop telling that to customers.

[technical.angel]

ThinkGeek, FTW!!!

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Okay, so years ago when we carried big bulky treadmills they were stored upstairs in backstock due to managerial stupidity.

So...when somebody buys one of these treadmills and we have to carry it out, we have to take it downstairs with the forklift.

What I am never ever again allowed to do is position the treadmill at the top of the stairs with the help of two-coworkers, and have them push it down the stairs while I ride it like so:



Aww man, I would've been so fired if LP saw me do that.

[Kitten in the box]

Here's what I'm not allowed to do at work:

1.When asked by mangaement what I am doing reply with "listening to you ask what I am doing"
2. When asked if I work here reply with No I do not work here (in uniform)
3. When asked where dog food is kept say it's in my dog's stomach
4. syphon helium out of tank via my mouth and make an announcement over our voycall whilst on duty and during busy times
5. Pop open a 6 pack or pour a mini kegger of beer into a beer bong and drink while I am working
6. Ride my bike through out the store
7. Hide from CWs when they are calling me (I know of a few good places to hide where no one really ever goes....)
8. Say "why did you fart?" when a customer says "excuse me"
9. Replace our shitty piped in music with one of my Metallica CD's over the radio system we have.
10.Start a food fight down one of the aisles at work with my friend.
(more to come as I think of them)

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

No taking pictures of gigantic messes on the salesfloor or in the backroom and playing "Vendor, Customer or Teammate?" with everybody.

At least not without nice prizes.

But this is retail. There are no winners.

[fireheart]

Apologies to all the Twilight fans. We recently got some Twilight dolls at work. Yes, I am not making that up-they basically look like Barbie dolls of Edward/Jacob/Bella.

I am not allowed to pull out one of each from the box and arrange them in um...interesting poses.
No claiming that there's a "Paranormal Orgy" going on in said box.
They are $20AUD. NOT $200. NOT $2.
I am not allowed to switch the Bella and Barbie dolls around so Bella is in Barbie's box and vice versa (we carry one line of El Cheapo Barbies)

And some non-Twilight related ones:

I am not allowed to sing the 12 STI's of Christmas.
Nor the 12 Pains of Christmas.
Not allowed to mention Pedobear at work
We do not sell bacon soap, so don't tell customers that we do.

[geek007]

I cannot call my boss at 2am and ask if her refrigerator's running
I cannot call my boss the blonde dumba$$ to her face
No playing russian roulette by knocking on room doors to see who I wake up
No telling guests that check out time is 6am
I cannot play ding dong ditch with the buzzer on the handicapped rooms
I cannot tell a VIP that he overpaid for his room and he could book it cheaper through our website
Rack rate is rack rate and there is no "a$$hole tax"

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

When writing out STAR cards, do not put down as the reason for awarding the card "for services rendered."

No more singing incorrect lyrics to Christmas songs. For example:

Joy to the World, the manager's dead
We barbecued her head!
What happened to her body?
We flushed it down the potty!
And round and round it goes
And round and round it goes....

[Rapscallion]

I am not allowed to walk around in a T-shirt in sub-zero conditions and laugh at my colleagues, but I do it anyway.

Rapscallion

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Another Christmas song I dare not sing: Boner For Christmas by Nerf Herder