Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[TowelKing]

Things I am not allowed to do while in the customers eye:
Hiss and growl at anybody walking by
Mark my territory
Claw
Actually...anything a feral animal would do
Call my boss a twatwaffle
Call him a cuntmuffin
Call him my sex puppet
Call him anything but his name
Throw towels at him
Drive the truck at him
Threaten to drive the truck at him
Belly dance
Swear loudly
Swear quietly
Swear in my mind
Think about swearing in my mind
Mention bodily fluids or anything that can be perceived as pertaining to a bodily fluid
Semen especially
Get into a shouting match with my manager

[BrenDAnn]

I am not allowed to:
--Shut the gas pumps off for a while so I can get my nightly cleaning done
--Listen to my mp3 player (or the radio app on my phone) while doing said cleaning, or any other time during the course of my shift
--Text or surf the web on my phone while working (even though my assistant mangager does!)
--Take funny photos of things/people while on duty. The manager frowns on this.
--Tell the customer that they have to be smarter than the gas pump when I end up going out to help them turn it on/use their credit card
--"Wander aimlessly" around the store (which I have never done but apparently someone thinks I have!)
--Play with any toys in the toy section, or..
--Try out the neat things junk the "novelty" dealer stocks us with
--Pop the collar on my smock (yes, one of my ex-cws tried this, just to be funny)
--Label each other with the meat labels for the pizzas (Sausage, Beef, Pepperoni)
--Put regular coffee in the decaf pot/vice versa (no fun at all!)
--Say "What if there really is a tornado right now?" when the city tests the tornado siren at noon on Saturday, and there are customers in the store, even if they think it's funny
--Tell the customers the store closes an hour earlier than it actually does, even if they ask if it does, and believe that it does


...My store is no fun at all sometimes!

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

No drawing smiley faces on boxes, because from there it's just a small step to drawing penises on boxes.

[fireheart]

No drawing smiley faces on boxes, because from there it's just a small step to drawing penises on boxes.

What about a smiley face with a penis sticking out between the eyes?

[dalesys]

No drawing smiley faces on boxes, because from there it's just a small step to drawing penises on boxes.

That's not a p***s. It's Kilroy's nose.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Don't start a war of writing "(co-worker) + Rebecca Black=Love" on boxes.

Don't finish one either.

[fireheart]

Don't start a war of writing "(co-worker) + Rebecca Black=Love" on boxes.

Don't finish one either.

Were you doing it on Friday, Friday?

And a new one from me:

-NOT allowed under any circumstances to start singing "Pink Elephants on Parade" from Dumbo.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

No, we did it on Tuesday, Tuesday.

However, today is Friday....

[Sakka]

I am not allowed to:
-Wear shoes that let me walk quietly.
-Attach bells to my shoes so that I can't walk quietly.
-Walk quietly while having bells attached to my shoes.
-Wear heavy workboots that make noise with each step.
-Demonstrate that I can walk in the heavy workboots without making any noise.

-Walk so quickly and quietly that it looks like I am teleporting around the store. (It makes the managers dizzy and the owner annoyed when watching on the security cameras.)
-When a certain coworker is hungover or not yet awake, I am not allowed to keep stepping out of his blindspot so it appears that I appear in front of him from nowhere. But when I need an answer on something ordered, it's okay.
-When said coworker swings his elbow into his blind spot, I'm not allowed to step behind and around to his other side and lean forward enough to look at where his elbow went.
-I am especially not allowed to look innocent when doing the above.

-I am not allowed to scare the new hires by not smiling and not blinking. Not talking is optional.
-I am not allowed to scare the new hires by smiling.
-My hair and eyes will stay one colour while I am working. (I don't do anything to change them, really.)
-When a coworker who has just done something stupid that has made a lot of extra needless work for me, my hair and the pupils of my eyes will not turn a distinct shade of red. Appearantly it's traumatizing.
-I am not allowed to scare the front end manager by smiling, she never knows if she should be calling the RCMP or the men in the nice white coats to come take my away, ha-ha.
-I am not allowed to move five feet or more in any direction unless my feet/legs can be seen moving as well. Preferably in the same direction I am actually moving in.
-I am not allowed to quietly walk up behind a new hire then reach past them for something on a shelf, then when they turn around to see who's behind them, be ten feet away and walking away.
-Not allowed to bend/stretch/move in a way that the human body shouldn't be able to bend/stretch/move. Or to make various joints 'pop', loudly.
-I am not allowed coffee, caffiene, or any kind of sugar when working.

-I am not allowed to wear shorts, even when the AC is not working and the heat is cranked for some reason in the summer. Not unless my visible skin is no longer so white that I glow in the dark.
-Tofu can be a part of my lunch, not my complete lunch. Nor is it a valid snack choice.

[Gizmo]

Not allowed to walk into the office at my late start time wearing sunglasses (reminding the boss that its nice weather outside and he still has about 6hrs to go before he can enjoy the nice weather.).

[fireheart]

Not allowed to gloat over the fact that DumbAss coworker had his cigarette powers stripped.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

It probably is not a good idea to go strolling into the fixture room, which currently reeks of a dead animal of unspecified species, and exclaim "Wooo! It smells like Casey Anthony's car trunk in here!"

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Another thing not to say about the smelly fixture room: "It smells like failure in here!"

Hanging up pine tree air fresheners randomly in the fixture room will not do much for the smell, and probably won't be corporate-approved anyway.

(Management went digging around in there the other day to locate the source of the rotting-flesh odor. They figure it's coming from dead birds, but they're probably someplace that would require ripping out plaster to remove.)

[DGoddessChardonnay]

(Management went digging around in there the other day to locate the source of the rotting-flesh odor. They figure it's coming from dead birds, but they're probably someplace that would require ripping out plaster to remove.)

They should be careful when they're digging . . . .for all we know Jimmy Hoffa could turn up there.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

On that note, if anybody asks about the foul odor coming from the fixture room, do not tell them "Well, there once was this guy we didn't like, and he cocked off to us one day, and...one thing lead to another and...well, you know...."

No Beavis and Butthead impersonations when filling pocket folders in the seasonal Back to School section ("I am the great Portfolio! I will show you my portfolio! My portfolio is made of oleo!")