Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[fireheart]

When cutting up fruit and veggies for the kids at my main site, I am not allowed to arrange them in suggestive ways.
The dip that we sometimes provide with the food is not lubricant.
I am not allowed to ask why my main site is allowed butter.
I am not allowed to ask why we cant use butter, but can use cooking oils.*
Despite the company's healthy food policy, I am not allowed to ask why we are giving the kids unhealthy snacks or snacks that put kids at risk of anaphylaxis/other issues (in addition to the fruit/veg, we will give the kids everything from Doritos to cookies)

[fireheart]

Damn the missing edit button.

One more:

I am not allowed to make up a confirmation name for myself if the kids ask.

[NecessaryCatharsis]

I am not allowed to refer to my supervisor as Mr Smalldick Lastname where he can't hear me and retaliate
I am not allowed to talk like Donald Duck to customers
I am not allowed to refer to my coworkers as 'crackheads' when talking to customers
I am not allowed to ask my boss what kind of drugs he is on
I am not allowed to call my coworker that cries 'puppy-dog' or 'lady-boy'
I am not allowed to throw grass at the plumbers and yell 'cow candy' and 'moo' even if they stare at me like a cow would all day long
I am not allowed to write 'homo?' all over the walls in peoples (unfinished) houses, even though the dicks they guys draw all over them makes me wonder
Or in the attic
Or the port a potty
I am not allowed to scream like a little girl every time I see a bee unless I agree to be referred to as 'the one with the Tourrettes'
When I am bleeding from yet another cut, and a customer asks me if I need anything I am not allowed to ask for 'peroxide or JD'
When I accidently hit the cap on the plumbing line during the pressure test, and air starts coming out, I am not allowed to look at the (ignorant) homeowner and say 'oh shit, think we should run'

[fireheart]

I am not allowed to bring in Pom Poko during the school holidays.
Or The Muppets.
I am especially not allowed to start bursting out in random renditions of "The Lumberjack Song"
Saying "The Larch" during quiet moments is not funny.
No speaking like a pirate for the entire shift during Talk Like a Pirate Day.
I am not allowed to start a rebellion at work.
I am not allowed to re-enact the fish dance with foam swords in place of fish.
I am not allowed to answer questions with lines from the Dead Parrot Sketch. (ie "Where is <child>?" "Maybe he's pining for the fjords?")
I am not allowed to bring Monty Python and the Holy Grail into work.
Not allowed to re-enact the Fresh Fruit Scene with my coworkers.
Or fresh fruit for that matter.

[NateTheChops]

The children in the weekly flier were not left in the store because they made their parents mad.
Nor are they kept in a closet between photo shoots.

[Kanalah]

Not allowed to start my own sweatshop.
Not allowed to refer to my classroom as "Time Out City"
When the kids start fighting, I am not allowed to make odds and take bets.
Not allowed to use duct tape for any reason.

Fireheart, I talked like a pirate all day :P

[fireheart]

There is no such thing as a Russian Elmo.
So stop talking like one.

No, the guy who hosts the Wii Games (wii Party/Play/Music) is NOT the Russian Elmo.
Not allowed to dress up like him for Halloween either.

[thatcrazyredhead]

In Russia, Elmo dresses up as you!

[fireheart]

In Russia, Elmo dresses up as you!

If you search for "therunawayguys" on youtube and look at their collaboration for the wii party, you'll see where the he term came from. Basically, the videos have chuggaaconroy imitating the wii party hosts voice and he sounds like Elmo in Russia.

[Ghel]

I don't think it's disallowed, but it would probably not be a good idea to respond to my boss' "yay, we got this thing we've been waiting forever for" email with "WEWT!" I don't think she'd get it.

[fireheart]

The popcorn machine at work is not possessed.
It does not hate my female coworker.
It CAN be tamed.
I am not allowed to mock the fact that my boss had to show her how to use it.

I CAN however, nickname it the popcorn machine of DOOM.

[Zellie Crescent]

I am NOT allowed to bring in my cat Holly to get her to prove to people that the seafood is fresh. I'm also not allowed to build a mini Eiffel Tower out of soup cans.

[Ghel]

I'm not allowed to play jazz at my desk.
(I put up with their country music and Christmas music, they should be able to put up with my jazz, but noooo.)

[fireheart]

Not allowed to teach kids The Llama Song.

[dalesys]

Not allowed to tell my daughter's students what the original denizens of their school did for school spirit...

Confetti bomb over the stage at 9th grade graduation...
Snowballs on the thermostats...
Holding 7th graders horizontally overhead at arms-length for airplanes...
Standing up and cheering for the "enemy" school's principal & vice-principal and not for ours...