Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[catcul]

If I find a huge patch of pollen in the parking lot, I am not allowed to call it "tree spunk," "tree spooge," "tree cum," "tree semen," or "tree masturbation."

[registerrodeo]

I am not allowed to yell 'Not It" over the radio when called to clean up a nasty mess in a bathroom

[WishfulSpirit]

I made a list of these out of sheer boredom when I was a lifeguard many eons ago. Here are some I still remember:

Not allowed to refuse to surrender my rescue tube at the end of the shift
Not allowed to curl up on the floor and cry when I hear we have a daycare group coming in
Not allowed to take the announcement megaphone and say "DIVE, DIVE" (think Submarine commands) to the people on the diving board (even though one of my coworkers actually did once)
Not allowed to use the backboard as a surfboard
My title is Lifeguard, Not Lady of the Whistle, She Who Must Be Obeyed

[Mr. Security]

No matter how much I want to I'm not allowed to tackle and hog tie the barred gang-banger teenagers who continuously come in despite their barring and yell and swear at me and claim that I can't do anything to them

[purple]

Not allowed to set the phone to do not disturb so I can nap/play games all night.

[catcul]

If it turns out to be terrible, I am not allowed to point out the irony of the name, "Nice Bridge."

Since it is free to enter Maryland from Virginia via US 301, but it's $6 to enter Virginia from Maryland, I am not allowed to make jokes about how desperate Maryland is to keep people in.

I am not allowed to make jokes about "entering Virginia" or "entering Maryland."

[wolfie]

Since it is free to enter Maryland from Virginia via US 301, but it's $6 to enter Virginia from Maryland, I am not allowed to make jokes about how desperate Maryland is to keep people in.

Some years back, I heard someone on the CB expressing a theory as to why there were tolls to go from NJ to PA but not the other way - NJ is such a hellhole that if they charged to get in, nobody would go. I regret not answering him with the comment that it's a perfect explanation for why both the Peace Bridge and the Queenston/Lewiston bridge only charge a toll going into Canada, with the crossing into the U.S. being free.

[catcul]

If there is a failure at a certain branch, I am not allowed to call it Merkle's Boner.

[Kit-Ginevra]

I may not line up the cute store girls at the mall in cup size order and get them to sing A-you're adorable...

[notalwaysright]

I am not allowed to go to the break room to get my phone to pull up google maps to prove a customer wrong. For the record, Meridian runs North/South. Not, as the customer insisted, East/West. I was trying to be nice by giving directions, but noooooooo, she had to argue. You can stay on that street north all the way to Canada, is does not go East/West!

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

If anybody asks for my manager, not allowed to tell them "Sorry, he's too fucked up right now."

Even though some days it's true! (comes in hungover)

[Dreamstalker]

If given 3 separate shelf tags for the same item (sale/low price/'new item' that's a month too late but was printed and sent anyway), not allowed to put them ALL up side-by-side (so are you saying I shouldn't do what you told me to?).

"Minion [number]" isn't an acceptable nametag (but foil alien stickers are ok...go figure).

[rapana1]

Not allowed to sell customers wire cutters and tape measures for cash, no questions asked, just please USE THEM.

[WishfulSpirit]

Not allowed to use the touch-tone keys on the page phone to play Jingle Bells over the PA system (not me, but a true story from Jeers).

[Racket_Man]

From My Daughter when she worked for outbound telemarketing company that sold home air filtering equipment

After calling some person who is REALLY REALLY STONED and insists that I am a machine recording AND calling over people present around said person to experience said machine recording: I am not allowed to tell them "Hand me to someone there who IS LESS STONED to prove that I am NOT a machine recording."

That statement was actually said within earshot of the owner/manager who DID find it very funny but was not "happy with" with it.