Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[EricKei]

(from the IT job back at the accounting firm): I am not paid to, nor allowed to, think.

(from the school newspaper): I am not allowed to copy entire live installations of Civilization II across the network

[Rosco the Iroc]

I am not allowed to refer to an event that we're organising this year as "Fuck-a-pa-looza."

(The reason for us organising said event was because of a clash with an event we usually get invited to, so we decided to hold our own instead.)

So stealing that..

[Kit-Ginevra]

I am not allowed to steal the dummy from one of the camps and use it as an example of what happens when you don't follow instructions. (Said dummy was dressed up as a knight with arrows sticking out of him)

- Crossing over business with pleasure, I am not allowed to steal the dummy from WORK and dress it up as an example of what happens when you don't follow instructions. (We have a dummy in our clinical room that is creepy as hell)

Ah,but are you allowed to take the knight with arrows to work and leave him in the clinical room?

- Our "monks" are not allowed to give the blessing "exubarae mammarae" to members of the public.

Apparently,despite my role as relic-seller,I may not attempt to sell a pair of Danish
as 'the mummified breasts of the Virgin Mary'*

especially since one of our teenage members is called Mary and may be rather alarmed to hear me announcing to all and sundry how impressive Mary's breasts are

[TheWolfEmperor]

When working in the crafts department, I'm not allowed to cover my face with glitter, pour another bottle of glitter on the floor with a crumpled black dress shirt and jeans and then tell customers, "That's where we get it from. It was either me or him."

[AkaiKitsune]

I am not allowed to cut eyeholes into a cardboard box that product comes in. I am especially not allowed to turn it into a sad animal face and put it over the heads of particularly stupid employees. It is not the 'box of shame' and it is not a part of the stupid employee's mandatory uniform.

I am not allowed to use the little handheld label maker to label our crappy falling apart brooms after the broomsticks in Harry Potter.... Even if it does cause a small boost in morale from the people who actually notice and get the reference.

[Dreamstalker]

If I can't get to them when I see them, not allowed to write "Let Me Out!" on cases of product that haven't even seen the floor...or emphasize by making clawmarks on the cases with my boxcutter. Even though it seems to get the point across.

[Kit-Ginevra]

I am not allowed to liven up the bell at the till by adding a little sign 'Ring to summon fiend of your choice: once for vampire,twice for werewolf,three times for ghoul'

[TheWolfEmperor]

I am not to introduce myself to new associates as the Quarter Quell victor.
Nor am I to refer to new associates as Tributes.

Black Friday is not "purge night'.

The human centipede is not the store's mascot.

[Rosco the Iroc]

When people joke with me about being a shooter an how I might shoot them if they make me mad I am not allowed to imminently correct them on time, place, distance, windage and caliber and number of shots needed.

Even when they admit it does make more sense my way.

[LadyofArc]

I am not allowed to refer to the mentors as "minions." Or "underlings."

I am not allowed to suggest that the Glo gel looks like semen under a blacklight (and it totally does)

When given free rein to stick sponges on body parts, do not start singing "Dem Bones."

I am not allowed to walk into the office and announce that I get to play with body parts today.

(One of the lecturers I work with told me of a story where one of her colleagues walked into the office one day at her old job and announced that the penises and vaginas had arrived, much to the sheer confusion and amusement of the only non-medical practitioner in the room )

[catcul]

When the plant I work in broadcasts ESPN, I must remember that the guy on TV is Dan Le Batard, not Dan Le Bastard.

[Gothmog]

When the plant I work in broadcasts ESPN, I must remember that the guy on TV is Dan Le Batard, not Dan Le Bastard.

Considering that "le bâtard" literally means "the bastard", you're not so far off...

[catcul]

If a coworker has his crotch near my head while I'm upgrading a computer, I'm not allowed to ask for his dongle.

I am allowed to let him take me out to lunch. However, if we go to either restaurant, I'm not allowed to tell other coworkers that we did it in the Sheetz, or that we were serviced by Five Guys. I'm also not allowed to say that I put his hot dog in my mouth.

[drunkenwildmage]

I am not allow to install the game 'Sim City' to my work laptop.

[catcul]

If I encounter a certain worker, I'm not allowed to yell or sing, "What's the frequency, Kenneth?" I'm definitely not allowed to beat him up while yelling that.