Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[LadyofArc]

That's alright, the bubble tea place I go to has named their drinks sometimes very suggestive things. I'm often in there for a sexy redhead or a warm man nut. I have no problem telling it out when I walk through the door as I've been there so often that they know me by now.

I take it either that was deliberate or they have no idea

On that note...

- I am not allowed to string small children up to the archery targets for misbehaving.
- Ditto their parents if they don't actually parent.
- When asked what I'm making, the answer is not "a 14th-century negligee" (I was patching my SO's spare pair of braes)
- Not allowed to give the 18-month-old wandering around camp her very first bollock dagger. (To clarify, the 18-month-old was the child of one of the re-enactors, NOT a random kid!)
- Not allowed to practice shooting watermelons out of the air during the trebuchet show.
- Not allowed to climb the fence to use the bathrooms blocked off to the general public which were intended for re-enactors
- Stuff found out on the range from previous users is to be LEFT THERE. (I found a bottle of lube left behind when I was there - the range is part of a walking track that didn't get blocked off)
- I am not allowed to ask if I can join in when one of my club members starts chomping on the "French brains" (watermelon)
- Not allowed to stuff a melon down the front of my dress to demonstrate that the bardiche/falchion/poleaxe isn't sharp.
- No snipe hunts.
- If I buy a walking staff, it is not for hitting people with.
- When confronted with several sweaty guys fresh from Viking wrestling, I'm not allowed to ask if I can join in on their bath.
- The one male member in our group who WILLINGLY dresses in female garb is not a 14th-century drag queen.
- Not allowed to ask small children to bring me ducks for my belt.

[AkaiKitsune]

-I am not allowed to wake any co-irker up using the barn's feral cats and some cat treats.

-I am not allowed to crawl in somewhere just to prove I'll fit.
-especially if I cannot get out afterwards.

-I am not allowed to shoot anything off anyone's head. Even if the arrows I'm using are fake.

-I am not allowed to refer to the new people as my minions....

-If I can't keep a straight face when asking if I can do something the answer is either going to be "No!" Or "Hell no!"

-I am not allowed to fill up the employee water cooler with vodka... Even if it's only us grunts who use it and they didn't tell anyone.

-When doing a charity event in front of a mostly male audience I am not allowed to do trick shots with my bow to demonstrate that "I have skills your girlfriend wishes she had".
-particularly given the distance from the audience and my colour choice of attire I look like I'm riding shirtless.
-even if it did just break every record for donations ever. (What can I say, boobs sell)

-I am not allowed to tell coworkers to "sit down or I'll duct tape you into the chair" even though I'm the first aid attendant, they have a back injury, and they keep trying to go back out to move pallets.
-I am not allowed to use idiocy as an excuse for when another FA attendant comes in with a different person to treat and they see my person taped to a chair.
-I am also not to use "for his own health and safety" as an excuse.

-I am not allowed to refer to a clients kid as a "Special Snowflake" even if my boss did it first and the client's a dumbass with a complete disconnect from reality.

-I can not use whatever store supplies are laying about to make a homemade flamethrower...
-Not even to get rid of "Shelob's spawn" in the break room. (It was big and hairy with a few too many legs...not to mention it was PUSHING the cup we put on it around)

-I am not allowed to leave a giant demon wolf spider under an upside down cup labeled only with a sticky note with a frowny face on it.

-I cannot irradiate anything using the microwave regardless of how old the microwave is.
-when asked what the hell I was thinking I'm not allowed to say that "I was hoping to gain some superpowers so I could quit this shitty job".

Not mine, but my awesome totally-gay-and-flamboyantly-proud-of-it friend who happens to work with me.

-When told I need to bring someone to the summer formal I am not allowed to bring a drag queen.
-even if they are wearing a dress. (One of our biggest sponsors is a homophobic ass)

-I am not allowed to prance

My mother's (surprisingly) keeping in mind this is before the military became so anal about rules and regs.

-Just because my child is a terror and I cAnd find a babysitter does not mean I can bring her to work when we're doing jumps... Even if when I stuff her in the jump harness for military dogs she fits perfectly. Even if she thinks it's hilarious and fun.

-When the person training in medical crap suggests I "think about the training dummy as if it were my CO there lying in need of assistance only I can provide" in an attempt to get me past psychological issues I am not allowed to get up and wander off whistling a cheerful tune.

-must not teach base children to make MRE bombs for science homework. That's the teachers job (to give them homework not to teach them how to blow shit up)

[catcul]

No matter how tempting it is, I'm not allowed to spell Culpeper, VA, with three p's. Remember, there is no "pp" in Culpeper.

[Racket_Man]

-must not teach base children to make MRE bombs for science homework. That's the teachers job (to give them homework not to teach them how to blow shit up)

OK I think I already know the answer but how do you make an MRE bomb??? For research purposes of course

[Buzzard]

Yes, I too, would like to know how to make an MRE bomb. Personally, I'd figure those to be too low a yield. Or, at least for most varieties, that is. *Wanders off muttering about bean ratios or something*

[AkaiKitsune]

OK I think I already know the answer but how do you make an MRE bomb??? For research purposes of course

Well, in amongst the MRE package it also contains this nifty little thing for heating your meal up. Or at least that is what you are supposed to use it for. If you cut the package open you get what sorta looks like black sand or that stuff that is used in hand warmers. Except when exposed to water it reacts much much hotter. If you pour the ‘sand’ into a container (such as a water bottle), then add a bit of water before quickly sealing the lid on tight, what happens is science. A chemical reaction of heat and energy all tightly compacted into a water bottle. Something has to give, thus the bottle explodes. As with most things that have potential to go boom don’t try if you don’t actually know what your doing. Explaining to medical professionals why you have burns and your jeans are melted to your leg generally doesn’t go over well.

Mind as a kid you have a self belief in your own immortality and indestructibility. Sometimes I wonder with some of the stuff I did as a kid, how I ever survived to adulthood.

https://youtu.be/r6YDmf3DJhU

[Kit-Ginevra]

I would happily donate for the riding apparent shirtless ��

[Racket_Man]

Well, in amongst the MRE package it also contains this nifty little thing for heating your meal up.

<snip>

Yeah I kinda figured that was it. I took a wild guess since I have not had an encounter with an MRE for like 35 years. Loved the Meatballs & BBq and the Chicken ALA King from way back when. They did not have the heating pack then

[Buzzard]

Ahh, cheaper than the MRE bomb would be the little hand warmer packets, using the same iron-charcoal powder. Us civilians can get those for lots cheaper than MRE packs. Come the fall/winter, the mart of Wals has them for a buck something for two pairs.

[Kit-Ginevra]

I am not allowed-however useful it would seem-to have a sign for our shop door saying 'Children are welcome.Dogs are welcome.The idiotic and the obnoxious can stay outside thank you.' Any complaints could easily be dealt with by asking which of our banned groups they consider themselves to be a member of...

[Rosco the Iroc]

They haven't noticed it yet- but this might soon be an "not allowed" Last summer the owner said we would have a disco ball before we had A/C. Had to prove him right

[Buzzard]

Next time the boss comes in, "Disco Inferno" MUST be playing on the radio, loudly, with dancing.

[AkaiKitsune]

I am not allowed to get the entire staff to dress up as zombies.
I am not allowed to to say that this is what happens if you die on the property at any time in October. And no, just because the First Aid incidents are down from previous years does not mean “it’s working!”
I am not allowed to mention the store Necromancer.
I am not allowed to change all our names to Front End zombie 1, Front End zombie 2, grocery zombie, etc.
I am especially not allowed to discretely change the store managers name tag to read Necromancer, Zombie Overseer, or Your Evil Overlord. Particularly since he always shows up smartly dressed and somehow happy to be here.
I can not have the Supervisors wear Zombie Herder nametags.
I cannot give the First Aid attendants Zombie Cleanup Crew or Student Necromancer nametags. Even if they’re willing. ESPECIALLY if they are willing.

I can not add anything you can scan/take a picture of with your phone, to the nametags, particularly if it links to a website or app giving the employed zombie’s real name with some random fake facts. The grocery clerks are not “high school drop-deads who are working here to pay for their cosmetic surgery in order to get a girl before certain part rot off”. The produce department are not stocked with “malnourished zombies so please be nice. They’re messy eaters.” No matter that it boosted our sales by almost 10x the amount of previous years once word got out.
I am not allowed to add mini-games or a storyline. Even if the employees agree to play along.

I can not under any circumstances having access to helium.

I cannot hold funeral services in the store.
Even if it’s Halloween themed and obviously a joke.
Not even if I brought my own coffin.
Particularly if it’s labled “Store Moral”, “My Ambition”, “Hopes and Dreams”, “Head Office Moral Code”.

I cannot come to work dressed up as a zombie if my nametags reads any of the above.

I am not allowed to wear a pumpkin on my head, sit between two tables with a covering on all sides and on top to make it look like an innocent pumpkin is sitting there. Particularly if there ARE innocent pumpkins sitting there. People don’t like their pumpkins to talk to them. Or offer commentary on their pumpkin selection. “You want Fred? Well, just warning you he’s rotting to the core.” Is not the approved method of helping customers to select pumpkins even if it’s hilarious to see the bewildered expressions.

I am not allowed have philosophical debates while masquerading as an innocent pumpkin.

I am not allowed to draw bats on the ceiling even if it is Halloween and the ceiling is covered in plastic due to roof repairs.

I cannot use a hair dryer, crap I found laying about, and a morbid sense of humour to make an illusion of a giant face on the ceiling that is struggling to rip through the plastic to eat people. Even if the customers think it’s awesome and I made a charity bin for it.

I cannot add fangs to the above, particularly if there’s a ceiling leak that’s causing a drip that I can take advantage of (even if it means moving the entire masterpiece.) Customers get dripped on (not that we can help that), they look up to see where it’s coming from, sometimes jump/scream/giggle uncontrollably.

[RealUnimportant]

I am not allowed to ...

Bravo! Bravo! *throws flowers*

[LadyofArc]

Few from the studio I do lyra at:

- The hoops are not "Naked" without their tapes.

- The poles are not sticky "For her pleasure." (Actual reason is grip-related)

- Not allowed to go commando underneath stockings.

- Not allowed to refer to the instructor in fetish gear as "Chief Spanker of Naughty Folks."

I am however, allowed to hoot and holler at the burlesque ladies whenever they're actually performing