Corporate buzz words that piss you off

[Boozy]

Our VP has a total hard-on for the term "customer experience." Every e-mail and memo has got this phrase somewhere in it.

It pisses me off for some reason.

Since when is buying a frickin' bottle of wine an "experience"?

Personally, I consider buying a bottle of wine to be an "errand".

Anyone else have a buzz word or phrase that bugs them?

[crazylegs]

Customer.

I'm sorry, we deal with Injuried Parties (victim/survivor of crime) and Offenders, we do not have customers, that implies they are purchasing our goods/services.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

"empowerment".

[blas]

Counter-productive.

It's our mod manager's favorite word. She has no idea what it means. She confuses it with productive. When we are taking orders from her and doing things that are actually COUNTER PRODUCTIVE, we suggest something different, in which she says "No, that would be counter productive"

Every time the trainers or room runners or supervisors have a meeting where she is involved, she throws that word out like it's "The". It's insane. She has no clue what it really means.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

My company's buzz word is "crisp"

As in the straightened shelves have to look "crisp". The employees have to follow the dress code to the letter (including tucking in their shirts and wearing brown belts, not black!) or else they won't look "crisp" The backroom must be perfectly organized with all the shelves clearly labeled and product pulled to edges of the shelves, so it looks "crisp"

Of course, when there are no corporate suits in the store and no threat of them showing up, everything reverts to "brown, soggy and slimy"

[RecoveringKinkoid]

"going forward."

As in "Going forward, let's do it this way."

Um...do we have a choice? I mean, can we screw up somehow and do it this way retroactively? Can we go back in time and do it this way from THAT point?

[Saydrah]

"Ask."

For example, "I've sent out an email with two asks to everyone in the department."

"All asks are put off until the tasks at hand are complete."

"Direct asks for the site design to Development."

When did grammar become obsolete? Is, "Direct all requests for the site design to Development," really so hard to say?

[UncleImpy]

Now, now, do I need to whip out my Bingo card?

http://www.corporatebingo.org/

[PuckishOne]

"We'll reach out to the customer on this issue." Makes me wanna reach out and pop someone in the kazoo every time I hear it. Just say "We'll call the customer," for crying out loud...there is no shame in using a simply-stated sentence.

And a special Lifetime Non-Achievement Award to anyone who uses the word "matrix" to describe a freaking Excel spreadsheet. I know "matrix" sounds all cool and science-y and Keanu-kicking-ass-in-a-black-trenchcoat, but in reality it makes you sound like a pompous jerkwad.

[Meadhands]

"Administrative access"

As in "You cannot access this program/article/area/file/folder. Contact someone with administrative access to assist you."

Yeah... that is great. I am LOGGED ON as an administrator! I think what you meant to say is "I am sorry; If you want to solve this problem, you are sh** out of luck."

[Saydrah]

Initiativize.

"giving an incentive might initiativize the department to move forward on this."

[Chanlin]

Counter-productive.

Every time the trainers or room runners or supervisors have a meeting where she is involved, she throws that word out like it's "The". It's insane. She has no clue what it really means.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

[powerboy]

"Administrative access"

As in "You cannot access this program/article/area/file/folder. Contact someone with administrative access to assist you."

Yeah... that is great. I am LOGGED ON as an administrator! I think what you meant to say is "I am sorry; If you want to solve this problem, you are sh** out of luck."

Same with us. Only the owner has the administrative access to everything that we need. The problem is, we do not know his password & he only comes in on Thursdays. Then recently the accountant started bitching because of some price and how we couldn't change it.


"We are going to have close our doors"

Yeah, we wont have too, if you don't raise the prices every 3 months. And then turn around and bitch because of how many people are moving out. Last time, the owners raised the prices up 70%. Which inturn, drove 170 people to move out. We have great prices, which I really hope we do not have to raise it again.

[lordlundar]

"the complete package"

That in itself isn't too bad, it's just the use of it.

In theory: Making sure that if someone buys something, to help them make sure it runs to the best of their ability at their level of budget.

In practice: Milking out every drop of money out of a customer and then some just so what they buy is the best in the country, despite the buyer being several thousand dollars in debt from the one sale.

[RoLleRKoaSTeR]

I would say "XCS" or eXtreme Customer Service. Everytime I see this phrase I think of how I am not treated as a customer of the place I work at.