Put Downs

[crazylegs]

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I'm sure you've all managed at some point to issue forth a scathing, witty or sarcastic put down (without getting your arse fired), so I think it's time to share.

(To a cyclist who was out after dark dressed all in black with no lights and was arguing over the safety aspect)

"Look, if an HGV hits you we'll have to use a shovel to scrape you off the tarmac."

[wraiths_crono]

It technically counts: tech support, customer cant get wireless on "Ok for this issue, looks like you will need to the the F-N key"

[Iris Kojiro]

One I've actually used:

"I'm sorry we don't have enough on hand today, but there ARE other people besides yourself who use (insert product here)."

[AnaKhouri]

"Well sir, we do have other customers in the store, and they all need help."

[TheComputerError]

At the pharmacy drive-thru window after dealing with an SC who is constantly complaining about the littlest things.

Me: "Ma'am, I have received many complaints from the people behind you."
SC: "I can complain too, you know."
Me: "Oh, I know."

Yeah, she pulled around the store and came inside to yell at the manager. The manager came to me and said it was funny, but to hold my tongue when dealing with the more difficult customers. No write-up at all.

[Dips]

Waaaaay back when I worked at McDonald's at a teenager we had this grouchy old regular. He'd come in every frigging day, get in MY line (even if it was the longest one) then bitch and moan about I couldn't do anything right and how much the store sucked. Sometimes he'd drag my manager into it.

One day I finally snapped and when he threatened to never come back I said, "Is that a promise or are you just trying to get my hopes up?"

The manager was right there and heard it. The poor thing had to bite the insides of her cheeks to keep from laughing out loud while he was ranting at her about me.

And she could barely keep the grin off her face while she later had the inevitable talk with me about how to speak to customers.

[draftermatt]

I can think of two off hand. Once there was a guy who wasn't paying us (like at all) so we were getting to the point of refusing to do anymore work until we had been paid. He called complaining about how he wasn't getting the scheduled delivery date he wanted. I pointed out that our better paying customers get the better dates. He gets all snippy with me, so I respond with

"Do you work for free, No? Then why do you expect us to?"

Another time, similar story. People always complain if I have to move them, even by a day. (The worst ones are the ones who then ask to move further back). I hate moving people, but if it rains, then there are going to be delays for some people.

One guy (who is the world's biggest asshole) was constantly complaining about scheduling, and then moving himself around after complaining. I already said to him once "I have other customers than you" but I got into a little bit of trouble for that one.

So he calls one day asking for the 14th. I inform him I don't have the 14th open, but I'll put him in the 15th, and if the 14th opens up I'll move him in there.

Well he starts ranting, and raving "not good enough, you take whoever it is out of the 14th and put me there"

My response "How would you like it if I did that to you?"

[Muses_nightmare]

A guy was trying to say that it was okay for his buddy to smoke in the car, with the window cracked, While he pumped gas. My response?

"There are 150 000 litres of fuel underneath us, I don't know about you, but I'd rather not die in a horrible explosion today."

Needless to say buddy put out his cigarette.

[wagegoth]

Darn, I never really said any of my snappy comebacks out loud. However, I am the queen of the withering look. I figured that if the customer complained the most they could say was that I looked at them wrong.

I am very good at standing quietly or doing desk work or, while doing phone customer service, at just waiting until the ranter is done with their foaming at the mouth screaming, then calmly saying, "Okay, if you're done, let's get back to where I explained to you why I cannot do that for you." Completely calm. I've been known to study my nails while being yelled at. Drives them frikkin' nuts. Again, what can they honestly say other than, "She stood there calmly while I screamed at her." Proofs on the tape.

[JustADude]

"I ordered my pizza over an hour ago, I want it free!!1!!!1!1!111!!!!eleventy!"

"Actually, sir, I'm showing here that your order was placed forty-one minutes ago, and that you were told delivery would take approximately forty-five. Do feel free to call us back in about ten to fifteen minutes if the driver actually does end up being late."

[KhirasHY]

A few that I can remember from the past.

SC: "If you're throwing ME out of the hotel, you better be throwing out everyone else so you're not discriminating."
Me: "I would, but every other room in the hotel seems to have understood the aspect of 'quiet time' when they checked into their 'sleeping rooms."

SC: "Can you get me a drink, man?"
Me: "No, the fact that I'm high just from smelling your breath means you've already had enough to choke a moose."

SC: "Do you think this is fair!?"
Me: "No...last time I was at the Faire, they had clowns there. I wasn't impressed, really." (that one caused a bit of sputtering, and some laughing behind me The person I was evicting wasn't too happy hehe)

Hobo SC: "You don't care if I freeze out there!?"
Me: "It's 74 degrees outside, it's the middle of July, if you freeze, you're either suffocating in the vacuum of space, the inside of a refrigerator, or you've decided to sleep inside a giant bucket of ice. Either way, you won't be talking to me at the time, so no, I don't particularly care if you freeze out there right now."

Hobo SC: "Is this the most important thing you have to deal with?"
Me: "No, just the most annoying."
Hobo SC: "WHARRGARBL!"

Edit: Oh yeah, I forgot one I borrow this one from my favorite author, since my job lets me use it quite often.

SC: "I hate you!"
Me: "No you don't, you're just trying to make me feel better."