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Once again, I ask, "What in the name of Cthulhu's nutsack went on this weekend while I was off of work?"
Dear Planogram Specialist: Are you ever going to get around to finishing off the last two 4-foot sections of cat toys and treats, or is that particular planogram going to go unfinished because you're still in a pissy mood about us not putting the dog food in the aisle where you wanted it?
If I were the manager, I'd tell you to set that planogram NOW, because it's your damn job and I'm not going to have you acting like a three-year-old holding her breath until she turns blue and passes out because she was denied candy at the checkouts. Of course by adopting this attitude I'd lose half my staff, because they all like to play the same passive-aggressive things, and having turnover like that is Very Bad.
Dear Whoever Didn't Do Autopull Yesterday: I couldn't help but notice the two overflowing shopping carts full of random shit you left for us to fill this morning, as well as the 176 SKUs in autopull this morning (most days it's half that amount or less if we keep pulling during the day). It wasn't busy yesterday, so what the fuck did you do all day?
And don't tell me you were pulling and filling. Maybe you downloaded and pulled once and spent the rest of the day screwing off, but you sure didn't stay at it if you left stuff for us to pull and a lot to be pulled this morning. Don't spooge on my cupcake and tell me it's buttercream frosting.
Dear Service Desk People: Furniture cannot go back into the defective area without a defective tag. Know it. Live it. Love it.
Thanks to you douchewads, the receiving specialist handed off to me two ripped, dismembered, and generally unsaleable boxes of furniture and asked me to find out what was wrong with them, which of course I could not do because I did not take them out of the customers' vee-hickles and find out from the customers what was wrong with them, and the people working the service desk today weren't here when those items were returned. So now we get to sit on them.
And BTW, when you're filling out the defective tags and you have to give a reason why they're defective, don't just write "defective" in that space. Talk about your circular reasoning, and besides we have to be more descriptive so that the item can be routed to salvage or the return center as appropriate.
Dear Planogram Specialist Again: We have been sitting on a bunch of Terry Redlin ("rustic", fugly crap) picture frames, candle holders, and other decorative chotchkies for over a month now. The scanner says they were supposed to be out on the floor at the beginning of the month, but so help me Gord I couldn't find them anywhere when purging home decor this morning. So would you please find a spot to put all this shit?
Not only would it free up space in the backroom for all the "holiday" decorative chotchkies coming in hot and heavy, but it might actually sell and corporate wouldn't have to send us a snippy memo asking why we weren't showing any sales on this stuff, because apparently Terry Redlin is a "big brand launch" and they really believe it's going to sell for such reasons as the buyers have been hitting the Goldschlager pretty hard lately.
Dear Customers: Our policy is we hold raincheck items for 24 hours after we call you up and inform you your item has arrived back in stock. If you haven't picked it up after the 24 hours have passed, your item is returned to stock for anybody else to purchase.
Now we understand sometimes things come up, like you're busy with work, or you're out of town, or your cousin Cletus needs to hose the sheep entrails out of the bed of his 1974 F150 so he can pick up your sofa. In these cases we are happy to hold the item longer if you call us and make arrangements. But if you haven't picked up the item when you said you would, it goes right back to stock.
If you don't like this policy, feel free to suck my ass. I didn't make it. I just have to follow it.
Last week I pulled the holding forms off some storage ottomans that had been held as rainchecks for 10 days. And then they all sold. And then today one of the people with a raincheck came to pick up their ottomans, and I had to tell them we were out, and now I'm sporting a second posterior excretion orifice. Owie.
Le sigh. I look forward to every new day, to see which new disappointments it will bring.
Dear Planogram Specialist: Are you ever going to get around to finishing off the last two 4-foot sections of cat toys and treats, or is that particular planogram going to go unfinished because you're still in a pissy mood about us not putting the dog food in the aisle where you wanted it?
If I were the manager, I'd tell you to set that planogram NOW, because it's your damn job and I'm not going to have you acting like a three-year-old holding her breath until she turns blue and passes out because she was denied candy at the checkouts. Of course by adopting this attitude I'd lose half my staff, because they all like to play the same passive-aggressive things, and having turnover like that is Very Bad.
Dear Whoever Didn't Do Autopull Yesterday: I couldn't help but notice the two overflowing shopping carts full of random shit you left for us to fill this morning, as well as the 176 SKUs in autopull this morning (most days it's half that amount or less if we keep pulling during the day). It wasn't busy yesterday, so what the fuck did you do all day?
And don't tell me you were pulling and filling. Maybe you downloaded and pulled once and spent the rest of the day screwing off, but you sure didn't stay at it if you left stuff for us to pull and a lot to be pulled this morning. Don't spooge on my cupcake and tell me it's buttercream frosting.
Dear Service Desk People: Furniture cannot go back into the defective area without a defective tag. Know it. Live it. Love it.
Thanks to you douchewads, the receiving specialist handed off to me two ripped, dismembered, and generally unsaleable boxes of furniture and asked me to find out what was wrong with them, which of course I could not do because I did not take them out of the customers' vee-hickles and find out from the customers what was wrong with them, and the people working the service desk today weren't here when those items were returned. So now we get to sit on them.
And BTW, when you're filling out the defective tags and you have to give a reason why they're defective, don't just write "defective" in that space. Talk about your circular reasoning, and besides we have to be more descriptive so that the item can be routed to salvage or the return center as appropriate.
Dear Planogram Specialist Again: We have been sitting on a bunch of Terry Redlin ("rustic", fugly crap) picture frames, candle holders, and other decorative chotchkies for over a month now. The scanner says they were supposed to be out on the floor at the beginning of the month, but so help me Gord I couldn't find them anywhere when purging home decor this morning. So would you please find a spot to put all this shit?
Not only would it free up space in the backroom for all the "holiday" decorative chotchkies coming in hot and heavy, but it might actually sell and corporate wouldn't have to send us a snippy memo asking why we weren't showing any sales on this stuff, because apparently Terry Redlin is a "big brand launch" and they really believe it's going to sell for such reasons as the buyers have been hitting the Goldschlager pretty hard lately.
Dear Customers: Our policy is we hold raincheck items for 24 hours after we call you up and inform you your item has arrived back in stock. If you haven't picked it up after the 24 hours have passed, your item is returned to stock for anybody else to purchase.
Now we understand sometimes things come up, like you're busy with work, or you're out of town, or your cousin Cletus needs to hose the sheep entrails out of the bed of his 1974 F150 so he can pick up your sofa. In these cases we are happy to hold the item longer if you call us and make arrangements. But if you haven't picked up the item when you said you would, it goes right back to stock.
If you don't like this policy, feel free to suck my ass. I didn't make it. I just have to follow it.
Last week I pulled the holding forms off some storage ottomans that had been held as rainchecks for 10 days. And then they all sold. And then today one of the people with a raincheck came to pick up their ottomans, and I had to tell them we were out, and now I'm sporting a second posterior excretion orifice. Owie.
Le sigh. I look forward to every new day, to see which new disappointments it will bring.
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