Dumb Phrases We Gotta Say to Customers!

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

I guess it's in a manager/owner handout or something, but I had to answer the phone with "It's a wonderful day at ___" too. Usually it made the person pause on the other end of the line.

I'd love to answer the phone like that.

"It's a wonderful day at Haus Der Numbnuts. I haven't killed anybody! Yet."

[JoitheArtist]

Shortly after I was promoted out of the call center, they began answering calls with, "Join the fun, this is (name), how can I help you?"

Dodged a bullet there!

[RetailSlave]

We get a "cashier script" every so many weeks, usually with a promo attached.

1. Hi, welcome to Meijer! We usually have to tell the customer our name (ugh, read the nametag if ya wanna know)
2. "did you find everything you were looking for today? (which often starts a rant about how half the stuff they were looking for is never in stock).
3. "Will you be putting that on your Meijer Credit card today (duh, they are standing there with a handful of cash or another card) If they say "no" or "I don't have a Meijer card" then you are supposed to give them the spiel about how they could save 10% on their entire first order plus extra opportunities throughout the year and 5 cents off a gallon at our gas station.
4. "would you like to add a fountain drink, Icee or ice tea for just 99 cents?"
5. "did you need help out to your car (I usually only ask that for large orders or if the customer is elderly or disabled). It is stupid to ask if they only have a pack of cigarettes or a bottle of pop.
6. "Thank you for shopping at Meijer." We can't tell a customer Merry Christmas, if we say anything at all it has to be "Happy Holidays".
7. We also have to point out the survey at the bottom of the receipt and ask them to respond and tell them it will put them in a drawing for a $1000.00 gift card. If they seem upset, angry or just generally in a bad mood I avoid pointing it out...no use crappin' on the EPanels more than necessary.

Of course, most of us just avoid the stupid script and say what we want to. Yep, we're rebels.

[Listerfiend]

At Black-Apron Craft Store they try to force us to answer phones with whatever sale we have for custom framing--it's usually "Thank you for calling ___ in City where you can get 50% off your entire custom framing order, how may I direct your call?" As you can imagine most people on the line get pissed off and cut us off mid-sentence. A while ago, though, they did a different sale which went... "Thank you for calling ___ in City where you can get 40, 50, or 60% off your entire custom framing order, how may I direct your call?" And of course that made people even more irate.

[Plaidman]

Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can i take your order?


Oh wait...

[Mara-chan]

We have a couple...

We were asked to answer the phone "That you for calling (city) Staples where we can tune up your PC for free this is (name) how can I direct your call?"

Can most people even say that all in one breath? We've pretty much cropped it down to "Thank you for calling (city) Staples, this is (name), how can I help you?"


We were told recently to ask EVERY customer in the electronics department if they knew we repaired computers. None of us ever asked. We conveniently 'lost' that email.


And then we have to ask for Rewards cards. The conversation usually goes like this:

<Me> did you find everything ok?
<Generic Customer> Yup.
<me> Do you have one of our rewards cards?
<GC> No.
<me> Do you know about the rewards program?
<GC> no.
<me> You get 10% back for buying ink, paper and copy center stuff. You also get $3 back for recycling HP, Lexmark, Dell and Kodak ink cartridges, and you get coupons free by mail. At the end of the quarter they send you a coupon for everything you've earned that you can spend on anything in the store. Would you like to sign up?

And of course their next question is "how much is it?" or "what?" I end up repeating that to EVERY customer who says they don't know about the program. I've lost my voice in busy days. (Although that does give me a 70% rewards attachment when most other people on a register have barely 50%. I rock. )

[dougiezerts]

Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can i take your order?


Oh wait...

"Yeah, I want a BAD burger!"

[Imogene]

"how much is it?"

A viable question, since, as far as I can tell, you didn't explicitly state it's a freebie card or anything in your bumrush of text...

[PossJB]

Q: I know it says your a cashier, but I would swear you work for AT&T Uverse with that line... (Cus I am supposed to say it too, and to our field Techs!)

I know my local Circuit City has to ask how they can provide me with excellent customer service, so that's my guess for reimero's place of employment (not my local one mine you, but the corporation in general).

[McGoddess09]

We are "supposed" to say this over the headset and at the front counter "Hi. Welcome to McDonald's. Would you like to try one of our (insert crappy,overpriced cafe options)" or "Thank you for choosing McDoanld's, would you like to try one of our (ewwie drinks)?"

When they order nuggets, we have to ask if they would like BBQ. If they order breakfast burritos, we have to ask if they want hot sauce. If they don't specify a drink, we have to ask if they want coke (or coffee if it is the morning).

We are not allowed to ask if that will be all. Hell, we aren't allowed to say anything like that, but I say "Will that complete your order?". If they don't tell me that's all and I tell them their total without asking, then they get mad that I gave them their total when they weren't done.

We also have to say "Thank you. Please pull forward."

[DGoddessChardonnay]

We are "supposed" to say this over the headset and at the front counter "Hi. Welcome to McDonald's. Would you like to try one of our (insert crappy,overpriced cafe options)" or "Thank you for choosing McDoanld's, would you like to try one of our (ewwie drinks)?"

I hear that at the local MickeyD's too . . . and frankly their cappucinos are horrible. I'd rather go to a convenience store and get one from there. But I digress

We've been "told" we're supposed to say certain things at the Litter Box too. Here's some examples of the "verbatim diarrhea" . .

Answering the phone: Thank you for calling your neighborhood Litter Box. How can I help you today?

Greeting customers as they enter the store: Good Morning/Afternoon. Welcome to your neighborhood Litter Box. Can we help you today?

(What I'd actually like to say: Welcome to the Litter Box. What would you like to steal today?)

Even worse is the fact that we're supposed to (at least once a day or so we were told) make a PA annoucement to let customers know we're available to assist them.

Sample "script": Hello Litter Box customers, my name is *blank* and I'm your *insert crappy job title here* I'll be *on register whatever or wherever department* if you have any questions or need assistance with anything. Thank you for shopping at your neighborhood Litter Box and have a great day."

Now try saying all that without your guts out.

[Fenrus]

Heh, at my fast food job, anytime someone came in, or drove up the drivethrough, it was a "two part greeting", usually "Hello, how are you today?" We weren't allowed to ask if they were ready to order, though I always did. After everything they say it was "Okay, what else can I get you?". If they said that was all, we had to repeat back the entire order, followed by "Is there anything else I can get for you", THEN tell the total...

At the clothing store, we got lucky enough to be able to greet anyone with a "Hi" or "What's up?" cuz we were "street"... Yeah...

Anytime we'd run a special, though, we were forced to go through the entire store, and tell EVERYONE every single fact about the sale, even though we had signs up over every shelf and rounder. At the register, we had to repeat everything they just heard...

Over the phone, it was "Thank you for calling <clothing store> at <name of mall>. This is <name>." So it wasn't too bad, but I always shortened it to "<clothing store>, <name>." The DM was always in our store, and she loved it... it was strange...

Now, it's just "<name of dispatch center>, <name>" or if it's a 911 call "911 Emergency, what is your emergency."

[SteeleDragon78]

my client has required our desk to end the calls with "are you content with the resolution i have provided you with today" even if all we did was tell them to call a different department. i haven't come across it yet, but im waiting for someone to say no....on that day i will call the client liaison and tell him it was a bad idea.

[reimero]

Actually, I'm not a cashier, I just have to change my default title.
But I did actually get that line from Uverse support when I called (red X of Death with 2 dots.)

Q: I know it says your a cashier, but I would swear you work for AT&T Uverse with that line... (Cus I am supposed to say it too, and to our field Techs!)

[simplyanother]

At Black-Apron Craft Store they try to force us to answer phones with whatever sale we have for custom framing--it's usually "Thank you for calling ___ in City where you can get 50% off your entire custom framing order, how may I direct your call?" .

This makes me glad I don't usually have to answer the phones anymore. Almost everyone at my location answers the phone with some variation of "OurlocationBlackApronCrafts, this is random cashier speaking, how can I direct your call". For me, it's "OurlocationBlackApron, how can I help you?"

I remember a few of the stupid scripts corporate has tried to foist upon us (shop now save big sale! from last year, or earlier this year), and there were a few framing ones. But I'm not usually on register, so I don't answer phones too much anymore.

What I'd actually like to say: Welcome to the Litter Box. What would you like to steal today?

Wouldn't WE ALL?! "Hi, so do you want me to just stick the beads in your purse for you, or would you rather I carried them to your car?"

Gah.

There is a local car dealership (where I get my car serviced. I know, shut up)..where they answer the phone "It's a beautiful Day blah blah ford, this is random phone person, how can I help you today?"