(A new multipart series exploring the goings-on, both bad and also bad, at Zoom's store. Sponsored by Mutual of OMG.)
Give Us This Day Our Daley Tax
Yes, "Son of Mayor" not only sounds like a horror movie, he is one. As are his infamous taxes on things, including bottled water.
Meanwhile, state programs such as "Legend of Link: The Plastic Card That Doesn't Scan Half the Time" proceed nicely and with only mild profanity usage.
But, combine the two and you get a juggernaut of immense power that can bureaucratize a situation in seconds!
Son of Mayor made up the tax, but Link didn't have to pay taxes as it was a state-run program. Until 2008 or so, when suddenly, a Mayoral directive forced the water to have a seperate and extra tax, with its own line on the receipt and everything.
But since the new tax is a special code, even though it automatically appears on the form, it doesn't automatically disappear when I press the Food Stamps button.
Programming error or red tape Sarlacc? Who can tell? The important thing is, customers both sucky and blowy must deal with my having to remove the tax by entering a code (which I forget half the time and have to look up).
Now the customers are realizing they can pay for non-food items in the same order, so long as they have two transactions.
One customer came in, buying food and non-food, and also one of the 24-pack water abominations. However, she only had a small amount left on the Link card. "OK," she said kindly, "empty the card and I'll pay the rest."
No problem! But wait a minute, which items did she pay for with the card? Did it include the water? It could go either way! If she paid for the water with cash, that should include the tax, but if not, then it shouldn't.
And as usual, I wasn't able to contact the desk because nobody was there. So I made a unanimous decision by myself and left the tax on there.
Later on, I got some flack from Desk, who was apparently there the whole time but turns invisible when you need him, like when a vampire looks in the Daily Mirror for all the latest Twilight gossip and doesn't see himself mentioned in it.
I just brushed Desk off, saying "She paid for some of her order with cash." He seemed to accept this.
Son of Mayor might have gotten away from the pitchfork-wielding Link mob this time, but he might want to pay attention to the silver bullet: they pay *NO* soda pop tax.
Gone, Gone, O Form of Desk...
So what do you do in emergencies? Well, with snakebites you go to the hospital; with robberies you call the cops; and so on.
But with anything, anything whatsoever at registers, you must CALL THE DESK. Out of stamps? Call the desk. Out of coins? Call the desk. Need something overridden (overrode?) or approved or filed, stamped, indexed, briefed or debriefed? Well, you could call the Prisoner, but he's one of those "advocates the overthrow of the system" kinda guys, which won't keep the greasy wheels moving.
There are several Mr. and Mrs. Desks who appear regularly like a comedy act, and stay at the desk for about as long as one (fifteen minutes). The moment that customers stop appearing there, they only see their studio audience has left, and head backstage to the little room behind the desk; whereas their television audience is still watching them, and will need their presence to tell us the jokes that are the store policies.
Yesterday I ran out of singles. You know, the dollar bills that say "Where's George?" on them even though George is right there on the bill!
And I had called three, maybe four times, to no avail. When I got someone, the comedian who answered was busy heading backstage, or busy not being there, or maybe doing some important non-phonework. Or maybe he was thinking, "He should know where George is by know, he can figure it out himself."
So what do I do? When I run out of coins, I give bills in change or simply don't bother with accepting coins; so long as the customer does not lose money, they have no opportunity to be SCs. The store loses money, true; but it's not as if anyone wants to wait for the desk to do something!
I used to do it "the other way" years ago, and the waiting was completely torturous. Then I tried sending the customers to the desk to get their change there. That really put me on the good side of Desky McMolasses.
But now I was out of green units! The usual procedure while waiting for Standy McBackroom was to give coins, but nowadays we have change dispenser machines, and this time, all of the coins were in them! Also I still hadn't gotten through to Clueless McNoanswerphone to actually tell him!
I had to actually tell customers I had no singles to give in change. I was forced to become the thing I despised most: a Sucky Checker. I also called the desk and left the phone ringing continuously so he would get annoyed enough to pick up the phone to shout into it.
I finally got my singles, but this was the last straw as far as I'm concerned. Cutting back on hours is one thing, but reducing functionality to zero is just bad for business. People will leave rather than deal with this kind of thing. I'm always getting complaints from customers asking when we're going to hire more people. They probably know someone who could use a job. Right now, those someones ought to have it.
Crisis on Infinite Coupons!
Our latest sale paper, which endeth tonight (Hooray!) was Chock Full O'Coupons. Every last one of them were nuts (they take after the customers, then?) with wording like "ITEM $2 EACH with coupon, must buy two."
The first day of the sale (last Thursday) we had wave after wave of demented avengers with tons of paper strips, most of which were still attached to the sales paper ("Hey checker! YOU remove these! I don't have time to do it!") and all of which were for Ragu sauce. The SCs were all Italian too; I thought they took pride in making their own sauce? Maybe our neighborhood sucks and they won't share when company comes over.
The second day of the sale, we were out of sale papers with coupons still on them. Well, almost; I still had mine, and nobody had swiped it. But even the register copies had been pillaged, and the replacement was a non-coupon sale paper with giant printing so as to take the same amount of paper.
Every day of this sale, so far as I can tell, more than 75% of the orders have involved these store coupons.
Yesterday, the penultimate day, we ran out of a couple sauces and an ice cream. Today, we also ran out of another ice cream, a couple of frozen entrees, a few shampoos and I don't remember what else. Customers were complaining about barren shelves.
Another thing they complained about was the fact that I wasn't going to accept two coupons for the same item. It clearly says "One coupon per transaction per customer". You buy two items, for which the store coupon will save you $1; or the manufacturer's coupon (also requiring two items) will save you $1.20, but IT doesn't expire tonight. Your choice.
I got berated at by BossholeTM over the phone for doing this. He was arguing that "Manufacturer, store, it's all the same", so I countered with "If it's the same, then why use two coupons? He was only buying two items!" Must have been a brain burp, for he responded with "Oh, I see what you mean," and hung up.
The worst is when the SC monkey just flings the sale paper poo and expects me to perform the ripoff of the coupons, since apparently I work for a company that's good at ripping things off. But hey, it's a living! Pardon my going off on a tear and accidentally defacing all of your other coupons you could have used next time.
At the bottom of the front page is a long strip that many SCs ripped and gave to me. It ISN'T a coupon. However, I am not upset at them for doing this, for I would have forgotten to check to see they got their advertised savings. (Buy two pizzas, get 3 12-packs of Coke at significantly reduced price. Must buy all five. Cannot buy non-Cokes instead.)
Last but not least, at the same time as all the other Petty Confetti (I used to have all his albums in the 80s), there is a coupon for One Free Pound* Of Grapes, Must Buy At Least Two Pounds And Present This Coupon Which Isn't In The Sale Paper And We Didn't Tell You About It!
*Yes, everyone else in the world, we still use the archaic term "Pound", which is ironic as it is the one thing we cannot do to customers.
So every time the customer buys grapes, I check to see it is at least two pounds, then ask if they have the coupon, then launch into the spiel about how all the signs that advertise a free pound mention "With Coupon And More Capitalized Words" and "I'll go and get you one at the desk."
Fortunately, I actually know the desk has the coupons. Nobody else-- baggers, other checkers, even Mr. Desk-- seem to know they are there. One customer even told me they were out, but when I went there they were plain as the nose on the back of my hand.
Brains Go Out the Door When Money Comes Innuendo
P. who works the desk AND registers, is the nicest person in the whole store and a very sympathetic being. She performs many tasks and gets along with everybody, so she's got an invincible position and will probably never get into trouble.
This time, P. was sent from the desk, to get my till's extra money in what we call a "91". She has to do this before the till earns too much money and the drawer locks up with what we call a "92". Usually not a problem, though with busy desks these days, they tend to miss the 91s more often even though we make sure to call and tell them (WHEN we can; sometimes we don't notice the 91 alert on the screen).
So she walks up and starts bagging my order (guess what else we don't have today), telling me "I need to pull your drawer, you got a 91."
Now, I have understood what she said, but as I am ringing up the customer a mile a minute (guess why I'm calling myself Zoom), and P. is having trouble coping with fast bagging, she got all muddled, and during the payment portion of the order, she blurts out:
"Remember, when you're done I need you to open your drawer so I can grab it!"
The funny thing here is how people can say things like that without noticing the double meaning implicit within the statement! I had to respond with "Do you realize the innuendo of what you just said?"
She couldn't stop laughing afterwards.
Give Us This Day Our Daley Tax
Yes, "Son of Mayor" not only sounds like a horror movie, he is one. As are his infamous taxes on things, including bottled water.
Meanwhile, state programs such as "Legend of Link: The Plastic Card That Doesn't Scan Half the Time" proceed nicely and with only mild profanity usage.
But, combine the two and you get a juggernaut of immense power that can bureaucratize a situation in seconds!
Son of Mayor made up the tax, but Link didn't have to pay taxes as it was a state-run program. Until 2008 or so, when suddenly, a Mayoral directive forced the water to have a seperate and extra tax, with its own line on the receipt and everything.
But since the new tax is a special code, even though it automatically appears on the form, it doesn't automatically disappear when I press the Food Stamps button.
Programming error or red tape Sarlacc? Who can tell? The important thing is, customers both sucky and blowy must deal with my having to remove the tax by entering a code (which I forget half the time and have to look up).
Now the customers are realizing they can pay for non-food items in the same order, so long as they have two transactions.
One customer came in, buying food and non-food, and also one of the 24-pack water abominations. However, she only had a small amount left on the Link card. "OK," she said kindly, "empty the card and I'll pay the rest."
No problem! But wait a minute, which items did she pay for with the card? Did it include the water? It could go either way! If she paid for the water with cash, that should include the tax, but if not, then it shouldn't.
And as usual, I wasn't able to contact the desk because nobody was there. So I made a unanimous decision by myself and left the tax on there.
Later on, I got some flack from Desk, who was apparently there the whole time but turns invisible when you need him, like when a vampire looks in the Daily Mirror for all the latest Twilight gossip and doesn't see himself mentioned in it.
I just brushed Desk off, saying "She paid for some of her order with cash." He seemed to accept this.
Son of Mayor might have gotten away from the pitchfork-wielding Link mob this time, but he might want to pay attention to the silver bullet: they pay *NO* soda pop tax.
Gone, Gone, O Form of Desk...
So what do you do in emergencies? Well, with snakebites you go to the hospital; with robberies you call the cops; and so on.
But with anything, anything whatsoever at registers, you must CALL THE DESK. Out of stamps? Call the desk. Out of coins? Call the desk. Need something overridden (overrode?) or approved or filed, stamped, indexed, briefed or debriefed? Well, you could call the Prisoner, but he's one of those "advocates the overthrow of the system" kinda guys, which won't keep the greasy wheels moving.
There are several Mr. and Mrs. Desks who appear regularly like a comedy act, and stay at the desk for about as long as one (fifteen minutes). The moment that customers stop appearing there, they only see their studio audience has left, and head backstage to the little room behind the desk; whereas their television audience is still watching them, and will need their presence to tell us the jokes that are the store policies.
Yesterday I ran out of singles. You know, the dollar bills that say "Where's George?" on them even though George is right there on the bill!
And I had called three, maybe four times, to no avail. When I got someone, the comedian who answered was busy heading backstage, or busy not being there, or maybe doing some important non-phonework. Or maybe he was thinking, "He should know where George is by know, he can figure it out himself."
So what do I do? When I run out of coins, I give bills in change or simply don't bother with accepting coins; so long as the customer does not lose money, they have no opportunity to be SCs. The store loses money, true; but it's not as if anyone wants to wait for the desk to do something!
I used to do it "the other way" years ago, and the waiting was completely torturous. Then I tried sending the customers to the desk to get their change there. That really put me on the good side of Desky McMolasses.
But now I was out of green units! The usual procedure while waiting for Standy McBackroom was to give coins, but nowadays we have change dispenser machines, and this time, all of the coins were in them! Also I still hadn't gotten through to Clueless McNoanswerphone to actually tell him!
I had to actually tell customers I had no singles to give in change. I was forced to become the thing I despised most: a Sucky Checker. I also called the desk and left the phone ringing continuously so he would get annoyed enough to pick up the phone to shout into it.
I finally got my singles, but this was the last straw as far as I'm concerned. Cutting back on hours is one thing, but reducing functionality to zero is just bad for business. People will leave rather than deal with this kind of thing. I'm always getting complaints from customers asking when we're going to hire more people. They probably know someone who could use a job. Right now, those someones ought to have it.
Crisis on Infinite Coupons!
Our latest sale paper, which endeth tonight (Hooray!) was Chock Full O'Coupons. Every last one of them were nuts (they take after the customers, then?) with wording like "ITEM $2 EACH with coupon, must buy two."
The first day of the sale (last Thursday) we had wave after wave of demented avengers with tons of paper strips, most of which were still attached to the sales paper ("Hey checker! YOU remove these! I don't have time to do it!") and all of which were for Ragu sauce. The SCs were all Italian too; I thought they took pride in making their own sauce? Maybe our neighborhood sucks and they won't share when company comes over.
The second day of the sale, we were out of sale papers with coupons still on them. Well, almost; I still had mine, and nobody had swiped it. But even the register copies had been pillaged, and the replacement was a non-coupon sale paper with giant printing so as to take the same amount of paper.
Every day of this sale, so far as I can tell, more than 75% of the orders have involved these store coupons.
Yesterday, the penultimate day, we ran out of a couple sauces and an ice cream. Today, we also ran out of another ice cream, a couple of frozen entrees, a few shampoos and I don't remember what else. Customers were complaining about barren shelves.
Another thing they complained about was the fact that I wasn't going to accept two coupons for the same item. It clearly says "One coupon per transaction per customer". You buy two items, for which the store coupon will save you $1; or the manufacturer's coupon (also requiring two items) will save you $1.20, but IT doesn't expire tonight. Your choice.
I got berated at by BossholeTM over the phone for doing this. He was arguing that "Manufacturer, store, it's all the same", so I countered with "If it's the same, then why use two coupons? He was only buying two items!" Must have been a brain burp, for he responded with "Oh, I see what you mean," and hung up.
The worst is when the SC monkey just flings the sale paper poo and expects me to perform the ripoff of the coupons, since apparently I work for a company that's good at ripping things off. But hey, it's a living! Pardon my going off on a tear and accidentally defacing all of your other coupons you could have used next time.
At the bottom of the front page is a long strip that many SCs ripped and gave to me. It ISN'T a coupon. However, I am not upset at them for doing this, for I would have forgotten to check to see they got their advertised savings. (Buy two pizzas, get 3 12-packs of Coke at significantly reduced price. Must buy all five. Cannot buy non-Cokes instead.)
Last but not least, at the same time as all the other Petty Confetti (I used to have all his albums in the 80s), there is a coupon for One Free Pound* Of Grapes, Must Buy At Least Two Pounds And Present This Coupon Which Isn't In The Sale Paper And We Didn't Tell You About It!
*Yes, everyone else in the world, we still use the archaic term "Pound", which is ironic as it is the one thing we cannot do to customers.
So every time the customer buys grapes, I check to see it is at least two pounds, then ask if they have the coupon, then launch into the spiel about how all the signs that advertise a free pound mention "With Coupon And More Capitalized Words" and "I'll go and get you one at the desk."
Fortunately, I actually know the desk has the coupons. Nobody else-- baggers, other checkers, even Mr. Desk-- seem to know they are there. One customer even told me they were out, but when I went there they were plain as the nose on the back of my hand.
Brains Go Out the Door When Money Comes Innuendo
P. who works the desk AND registers, is the nicest person in the whole store and a very sympathetic being. She performs many tasks and gets along with everybody, so she's got an invincible position and will probably never get into trouble.
This time, P. was sent from the desk, to get my till's extra money in what we call a "91". She has to do this before the till earns too much money and the drawer locks up with what we call a "92". Usually not a problem, though with busy desks these days, they tend to miss the 91s more often even though we make sure to call and tell them (WHEN we can; sometimes we don't notice the 91 alert on the screen).
So she walks up and starts bagging my order (guess what else we don't have today), telling me "I need to pull your drawer, you got a 91."
Now, I have understood what she said, but as I am ringing up the customer a mile a minute (guess why I'm calling myself Zoom), and P. is having trouble coping with fast bagging, she got all muddled, and during the payment portion of the order, she blurts out:
"Remember, when you're done I need you to open your drawer so I can grab it!"
The funny thing here is how people can say things like that without noticing the double meaning implicit within the statement! I had to respond with "Do you realize the innuendo of what you just said?"
She couldn't stop laughing afterwards.
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