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So, have you guys ever done something that is so embarrassing that even months later you squirm and blush when you think about it? Well, I certainly have, and lucky you, you get to be the first people ever to hear about it.
warning:: Like most of my posts seem to be, this is likely to be very verrry long and full of background. But the absolute cringing embarrassment that you will vicariously feel for me will hopefully make it worthwhile.
Ready?
Ok, BG #1: I have always suffered from anxiety. I took some steps about 10 years ago to cope with it, took some bio-feedback and cognitive techniques and combined them with reading some excellent books and made some very huge improvements. I suffered horribly through university but once I found a job that I enjoyed, treating pediatric burns with a great team of people I felt more comfortable, capable and less afraid of the world at large.
My biggest symptom is obsessive and negative thinking. I will start to worry about something and just go around and around in circles, getting myself more and more worked up, and feeling physical symptoms and adrenalin surges and panic attacks, hives, etc, until my brain is essentially a withered, abused, twitchy, panicky pile of mush and I am too physically and mentally exhausted to function.
One of the things that I learned to do to stop the cycle is to literally speak to myself, out loud, in a calming, soothing and sometimes joking manner. For me, there's something about speaking out loud while I am in a safe and private place (usually my car, which earns me some weird looks!) that really helps.I think it engages different parts of my brain at once and short circuits the 'Yeah but what about THIS" thoughts that are always tumbling around in my head. I also have learned that it is helpful to speak to yourself in a joking manner, the same way you would speak to friend who is wound way too tightly and needs some perspective. (this is important later!)
Ok , so, BG #2. Recently, my life has undergone asome pretty serious upheaval. I was pregnant, in what I thought was a happy marriage when my then-husband decided we weren't ready for a family (we had been together for 12 years, trying for a baby for half that time, so this was a shock). The pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, I found my husband was "in love" with my best friend and I was quite suddenly living a very different life. I moved out, and realized that my money situation was dramatically different than what I had been used to. This meant getting a second job
Cue massive anxiety attacks. I looked at clerical positions but everything was fairly low paying and I reluctantly realized that the only kind of job that had the potential to bring me the cash I needed was serving, IF I could earn some decent tips.
Cue even bigger anxiety (unfamiliar!!! Gah!!!!).
Going though university, I worked at golf courses, helping with tournaments and doing some very casual serving in the lounge, however these were the kinds of places where customers ordered drinks at the counter and we did very little table service, more bartending. I knew I could apply for a similar job now but I wanted something more permanent.
So, reluctantly I started looking at more traditional waitress/server positions. After sending out over 70 resumes and hearing nothing I realized I was going to have to tailor my resume a bit and maybe make it seem like I had more typical serving experience than I did. I tried not to think of it as lying, but it was definitely exaggerating, however I was beyond desperate. In the meantime I researched how to be a server, do's and don'ts of waitressing and tried to prep myself in every way I could, so I wouldn't be a total loser from the beginning. I basically just didn't want someone to trust me and then be hugely disappointed in me so I worked as hard as I could to figure out how to do the job well.
So, one day I get a message from the manager of a very upscale wine bar asking me to come for an interview. I am alternately thrilled and panicked, completely anxiety-ridden and convinced I am about to be unmasked as a total fraud. So I call her back and leave a message with my availability and immediately afterwards I have an actual, no-kidding-around panic attack. My thoughts immediately go crazy: how am I going to fit this in? How can I work when I feel so panicky? How stupid am I going to look? etcetcetc......
So, I stop myself, take a deep breath and give myself a firm talking to. This won't be verbatim, but it is very very close.
"Lizard, stop panicking. Yes, you feel like a huge, dishonest liar but you are only EXAGGERATING your experience. Hopefully by the time they realize you are full of sh*t you will be good enough at serving that it won't matter. You are capable of serving people some damn drinks, it's not like it's f*cking rocket science. You are not a huge stinky liar and no-one will ever have to know how full of crap your resume is. Plus, if you absolutely hate it you can quit. (side note: I would never actually do this, I would at least give them good notice, but saying the words makes me feel less trapped, which helps calm me down)
"You can work one shift and quit if you want to. Hell, you can work half a shift and walk out if you want to!" (again. Wouldn't. Ever.But looking at this as something I am just trying out is making me feel a LOT less scared). "They don't have to know that you are looking at this a temporary band-aid for your finances and when you go for your interview you can blah-blah bull sh*t them and tell them this is your life long dream!!!!"
By this point, I am feeling a lot calmer, even smiling a bit. And that's when I look down at my cell phone. And the phone call is still in progress. Which means I have just left the most bizarre voicemail that this particular manager has probably ever heard.
Oh and guess what? She never called me back with an interview date.
Split personality much?? Oh yes, I think so.
warning:: Like most of my posts seem to be, this is likely to be very verrry long and full of background. But the absolute cringing embarrassment that you will vicariously feel for me will hopefully make it worthwhile.
Ready?
Ok, BG #1: I have always suffered from anxiety. I took some steps about 10 years ago to cope with it, took some bio-feedback and cognitive techniques and combined them with reading some excellent books and made some very huge improvements. I suffered horribly through university but once I found a job that I enjoyed, treating pediatric burns with a great team of people I felt more comfortable, capable and less afraid of the world at large.
My biggest symptom is obsessive and negative thinking. I will start to worry about something and just go around and around in circles, getting myself more and more worked up, and feeling physical symptoms and adrenalin surges and panic attacks, hives, etc, until my brain is essentially a withered, abused, twitchy, panicky pile of mush and I am too physically and mentally exhausted to function.
One of the things that I learned to do to stop the cycle is to literally speak to myself, out loud, in a calming, soothing and sometimes joking manner. For me, there's something about speaking out loud while I am in a safe and private place (usually my car, which earns me some weird looks!) that really helps.I think it engages different parts of my brain at once and short circuits the 'Yeah but what about THIS" thoughts that are always tumbling around in my head. I also have learned that it is helpful to speak to yourself in a joking manner, the same way you would speak to friend who is wound way too tightly and needs some perspective. (this is important later!)
Ok , so, BG #2. Recently, my life has undergone asome pretty serious upheaval. I was pregnant, in what I thought was a happy marriage when my then-husband decided we weren't ready for a family (we had been together for 12 years, trying for a baby for half that time, so this was a shock). The pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, I found my husband was "in love" with my best friend and I was quite suddenly living a very different life. I moved out, and realized that my money situation was dramatically different than what I had been used to. This meant getting a second job
Cue massive anxiety attacks. I looked at clerical positions but everything was fairly low paying and I reluctantly realized that the only kind of job that had the potential to bring me the cash I needed was serving, IF I could earn some decent tips.
Cue even bigger anxiety (unfamiliar!!! Gah!!!!).
Going though university, I worked at golf courses, helping with tournaments and doing some very casual serving in the lounge, however these were the kinds of places where customers ordered drinks at the counter and we did very little table service, more bartending. I knew I could apply for a similar job now but I wanted something more permanent.
So, reluctantly I started looking at more traditional waitress/server positions. After sending out over 70 resumes and hearing nothing I realized I was going to have to tailor my resume a bit and maybe make it seem like I had more typical serving experience than I did. I tried not to think of it as lying, but it was definitely exaggerating, however I was beyond desperate. In the meantime I researched how to be a server, do's and don'ts of waitressing and tried to prep myself in every way I could, so I wouldn't be a total loser from the beginning. I basically just didn't want someone to trust me and then be hugely disappointed in me so I worked as hard as I could to figure out how to do the job well.
So, one day I get a message from the manager of a very upscale wine bar asking me to come for an interview. I am alternately thrilled and panicked, completely anxiety-ridden and convinced I am about to be unmasked as a total fraud. So I call her back and leave a message with my availability and immediately afterwards I have an actual, no-kidding-around panic attack. My thoughts immediately go crazy: how am I going to fit this in? How can I work when I feel so panicky? How stupid am I going to look? etcetcetc......
So, I stop myself, take a deep breath and give myself a firm talking to. This won't be verbatim, but it is very very close.
"Lizard, stop panicking. Yes, you feel like a huge, dishonest liar but you are only EXAGGERATING your experience. Hopefully by the time they realize you are full of sh*t you will be good enough at serving that it won't matter. You are capable of serving people some damn drinks, it's not like it's f*cking rocket science. You are not a huge stinky liar and no-one will ever have to know how full of crap your resume is. Plus, if you absolutely hate it you can quit. (side note: I would never actually do this, I would at least give them good notice, but saying the words makes me feel less trapped, which helps calm me down)
"You can work one shift and quit if you want to. Hell, you can work half a shift and walk out if you want to!" (again. Wouldn't. Ever.But looking at this as something I am just trying out is making me feel a LOT less scared). "They don't have to know that you are looking at this a temporary band-aid for your finances and when you go for your interview you can blah-blah bull sh*t them and tell them this is your life long dream!!!!"
By this point, I am feeling a lot calmer, even smiling a bit. And that's when I look down at my cell phone. And the phone call is still in progress. Which means I have just left the most bizarre voicemail that this particular manager has probably ever heard.
Oh and guess what? She never called me back with an interview date.
Split personality much?? Oh yes, I think so.
I can so see myself doing exactly that! (very similar anxiety + coping methods). Big hugs.
I've heard some pretty interesting "butt dialing" stories but this one really takes the cake. If it helps the cringing at all, I had NO problem imagining the wine-bar manager hearing your message and chuckling to herself at how strange the whole hiring process can be at times. 
), not many people can understand what I'm saying to myself, and just think I'm practicing.
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