Long (as always) and language (as I am foul mouthed)
So, today, my GF was finally able to needle, cattle prod, and provoke me into going holiday shopping at the mall. Of course, she didn't go with me because "how can you shop for me if I'm with you?" Quite fine, actually, as it worked out last year, but whatever.
Trying to get there
On my way up the mall driveway, which used to be an old residential street and thus is quite narrow, there was a family of three. The parents pushing their child in the stroller. This would be fine if they were mentally capable of utilizing the sidewalk, but it seems that they need to walk up the middle of the drive. One parent on each side, with one hand on a stroller handle, so their both pushing. Awww, how cute. Too bad you're taking up so much space that my car can't by you! The mother turns her head back to look at me, creeping up the hill behind them, then says something to the father. They both laugh, look back at me, and keep walking. In the middle of the drive.
Finally, we reach the top of the hill and they have to get out of the way or stop altogether. The get out of my way, thus I choose not to decorate my hood with their bloody mangled tire imprinted corpses. I am, as always, a veritable incarnation of restraint.
Finally, I am able to park as far from the entrance door as possible. A brief quarter mile walk and I can enter the mall. Huzzah!
Food court, surprisingly suck free!
I swing past the food court and hit up the ATM machine. One of those stand alone models you see in convenience stores, so people use the top as a table. I'm getting my cash when I realize that there is a set of shiny BMW keys sitting on top of the ATM. Hmmm...time for an auto upgrade? No, no, as I said, a veritable incarnation of restraint, so I turn the keys into security. Yay me!
I then use my verdigris portrait of a deceased president to obtain that holiest of grails: The China Max buffet combo plate!
Entering the lair of the beasts...
Once I begin walking into the mall proper, of course, everything goes downhill. First, comes the screaming toddler throwing a tantrum. Every ten seconds or so, she just shrieks at the top of her lungs. Then her little sister, in the stroller being pushed by Mommy, copies the shriek and giggles. And Mommy, that fine example of matronly excellence, giggles too! I quietly think to myself that she should attempt to discipline her children or at least take them outside rather than wandering store to store with her two screaming offspring. I proceed to depart that section of the mall very quickly, to the accompaniment of screaming children and Salvation Army bells.
Round One
Walking down towards the jewelry store, I walk past a kiosk that sells scented lotion. The men that work there dress as though they aspire to be male Italian supermodels. As I walk quickly past, ignoring their creamy odoriforous profusion of skin care products, one of them steps out in front of me:
IMW1: Italian Model Wannabe #1
Me: Three guesses...
IMW1: Hello, sir, can I ask you one question?
Me: You just did, looks like you wasted your chance. <attempting to sidestep around IMW>
IMW1: <heading off my escape attempt> There's no reason to be rude.
Me: <glaring> You're right, so get out of my way and let me keep going.
IMW1:... You're not nice. <returns to kiosk in a huff, proclaiming to his IMW co-irkers that I am "not nice"
Ooooooh nooooes! I'm not nice to people that try to force their product on me when I'm clearly not interested? Whatever. Maybe I was sucky, but if I was interested wouldn't I at least have stopped to look at the kiosk in the first place?
I make it into Best Buy where I'm simply picking up a gift card. Quick easy simple transaction, just head straight to the register by the door, pay, and walk back out. In and out in about two minutes. Woo!
Round Two
Of course, to get back to the rest of the mall, I have to walk buy the IMW lotion kiosk again.
IMW2: Italian Model Wannabe #2 (as #1 doesn't like me for being "not nice")
Me: Still me.
IMW2: <stepping in front of me to block my path> Hello, sir, can I just take a minute and ask you one question?
Me: <Seriously? Again?> No. Now get of the way, I'm not interested. <I step diagonally around him as his mind seems to be unable to process my response. Who says no to Italian model lotion?>
IMW2: <reaches out GRABS MY ARM and PULLS ME BACKWARDS. Big mistake, incidentally.> Sir, I don't think you understand what I'm saying.
Me: Motherf***** I don't think you know what the f*** you're doing. Get your f****** hand off me NOW before I break your arm and shove that bottle of lotion up your a**!
IMW2: <still holding my arm. Not a good idea!> What's your problem, man? I just want to --
Me: <Did I mention one of my black belt friends taught me some basics? So I use my basic akido knowledge to remove his hand in a manner that's quite painful. To him.> You do NOT f****** touch me, a******. I wasn't interested in your crappy product five minutes ago, where the hell do you get off pulling this s*** now?
IMW2: Ow! You're breaking my hand! <No, it just feels that way to you. Enjoy!
IMW1: Hey! Security! I'm callling security! You're gonna get arrested!
Me: Good. You call security. I'm going to ask them why you little b****** get to grab shoppers who have already made it clear that they are NOT INTERESTED. So, please, call security. I'll be happy to explain to them that I don't enjoy salesmen who feel it necessary to try manhandling me into listening to their spiel.
IMW2: Just let me go! We'll forget the whole thing!
Me: Fine. And from now on f***head, not interested means, NOT INTERESTED so shut your f****** mouth, keep your hands to yourself, and leave me be.
IMW2: Okay, I get it, just let me go! <I let go, turn and start walking away.>
IMW1: You're on video! Security will still get you!
Me: Yeah, good. I'll be happy to talk to them.
Exit Me, mall right. Passing by the security staff all standing in line at the donut shop. Apparently, rent-a-cops are not immune to the sweet siren call of the donut, either.
I haven't heard from mall security, but I'm not exactly worried. It'll just show that the moron grabbed me and I didn't touch him until after I said to get his hands off. That just cannot be a legal sales technique. And, possibly, he'll think twice before grabbing another passerby who just wants to get away.
I hate the mall. No, wait, I love the collection of stores in one place. I just hate the people.
fin
So, today, my GF was finally able to needle, cattle prod, and provoke me into going holiday shopping at the mall. Of course, she didn't go with me because "how can you shop for me if I'm with you?" Quite fine, actually, as it worked out last year, but whatever.
Trying to get there
On my way up the mall driveway, which used to be an old residential street and thus is quite narrow, there was a family of three. The parents pushing their child in the stroller. This would be fine if they were mentally capable of utilizing the sidewalk, but it seems that they need to walk up the middle of the drive. One parent on each side, with one hand on a stroller handle, so their both pushing. Awww, how cute. Too bad you're taking up so much space that my car can't by you! The mother turns her head back to look at me, creeping up the hill behind them, then says something to the father. They both laugh, look back at me, and keep walking. In the middle of the drive.
Finally, we reach the top of the hill and they have to get out of the way or stop altogether. The get out of my way, thus I choose not to decorate my hood with their bloody mangled tire imprinted corpses. I am, as always, a veritable incarnation of restraint.
Finally, I am able to park as far from the entrance door as possible. A brief quarter mile walk and I can enter the mall. Huzzah!
Food court, surprisingly suck free!
I swing past the food court and hit up the ATM machine. One of those stand alone models you see in convenience stores, so people use the top as a table. I'm getting my cash when I realize that there is a set of shiny BMW keys sitting on top of the ATM. Hmmm...time for an auto upgrade? No, no, as I said, a veritable incarnation of restraint, so I turn the keys into security. Yay me!
I then use my verdigris portrait of a deceased president to obtain that holiest of grails: The China Max buffet combo plate!
Entering the lair of the beasts...
Once I begin walking into the mall proper, of course, everything goes downhill. First, comes the screaming toddler throwing a tantrum. Every ten seconds or so, she just shrieks at the top of her lungs. Then her little sister, in the stroller being pushed by Mommy, copies the shriek and giggles. And Mommy, that fine example of matronly excellence, giggles too! I quietly think to myself that she should attempt to discipline her children or at least take them outside rather than wandering store to store with her two screaming offspring. I proceed to depart that section of the mall very quickly, to the accompaniment of screaming children and Salvation Army bells.
Round One
Walking down towards the jewelry store, I walk past a kiosk that sells scented lotion. The men that work there dress as though they aspire to be male Italian supermodels. As I walk quickly past, ignoring their creamy odoriforous profusion of skin care products, one of them steps out in front of me:
IMW1: Italian Model Wannabe #1
Me: Three guesses...
IMW1: Hello, sir, can I ask you one question?
Me: You just did, looks like you wasted your chance. <attempting to sidestep around IMW>
IMW1: <heading off my escape attempt> There's no reason to be rude.
Me: <glaring> You're right, so get out of my way and let me keep going.
IMW1:... You're not nice. <returns to kiosk in a huff, proclaiming to his IMW co-irkers that I am "not nice"
Ooooooh nooooes! I'm not nice to people that try to force their product on me when I'm clearly not interested? Whatever. Maybe I was sucky, but if I was interested wouldn't I at least have stopped to look at the kiosk in the first place?
I make it into Best Buy where I'm simply picking up a gift card. Quick easy simple transaction, just head straight to the register by the door, pay, and walk back out. In and out in about two minutes. Woo!
Round Two
Of course, to get back to the rest of the mall, I have to walk buy the IMW lotion kiosk again.
IMW2: Italian Model Wannabe #2 (as #1 doesn't like me for being "not nice")
Me: Still me.
IMW2: <stepping in front of me to block my path> Hello, sir, can I just take a minute and ask you one question?
Me: <Seriously? Again?> No. Now get of the way, I'm not interested. <I step diagonally around him as his mind seems to be unable to process my response. Who says no to Italian model lotion?>
IMW2: <reaches out GRABS MY ARM and PULLS ME BACKWARDS. Big mistake, incidentally.> Sir, I don't think you understand what I'm saying.
Me: Motherf***** I don't think you know what the f*** you're doing. Get your f****** hand off me NOW before I break your arm and shove that bottle of lotion up your a**!
IMW2: <still holding my arm. Not a good idea!> What's your problem, man? I just want to --
Me: <Did I mention one of my black belt friends taught me some basics? So I use my basic akido knowledge to remove his hand in a manner that's quite painful. To him.> You do NOT f****** touch me, a******. I wasn't interested in your crappy product five minutes ago, where the hell do you get off pulling this s*** now?
IMW2: Ow! You're breaking my hand! <No, it just feels that way to you. Enjoy!
IMW1: Hey! Security! I'm callling security! You're gonna get arrested!
Me: Good. You call security. I'm going to ask them why you little b****** get to grab shoppers who have already made it clear that they are NOT INTERESTED. So, please, call security. I'll be happy to explain to them that I don't enjoy salesmen who feel it necessary to try manhandling me into listening to their spiel.
IMW2: Just let me go! We'll forget the whole thing!
Me: Fine. And from now on f***head, not interested means, NOT INTERESTED so shut your f****** mouth, keep your hands to yourself, and leave me be.
IMW2: Okay, I get it, just let me go! <I let go, turn and start walking away.>
IMW1: You're on video! Security will still get you!
Me: Yeah, good. I'll be happy to talk to them.
Exit Me, mall right. Passing by the security staff all standing in line at the donut shop. Apparently, rent-a-cops are not immune to the sweet siren call of the donut, either.
I haven't heard from mall security, but I'm not exactly worried. It'll just show that the moron grabbed me and I didn't touch him until after I said to get his hands off. That just cannot be a legal sales technique. And, possibly, he'll think twice before grabbing another passerby who just wants to get away.
I hate the mall. No, wait, I love the collection of stores in one place. I just hate the people.
fin
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