Attack of the Italian Model Wannabes (and other stuff)

[Gerrinson]

Long (as always) and language (as I am foul mouthed)

So, today, my GF was finally able to needle, cattle prod, and provoke me into going holiday shopping at the mall. Of course, she didn't go with me because "how can you shop for me if I'm with you?" Quite fine, actually, as it worked out last year, but whatever.

Trying to get there

On my way up the mall driveway, which used to be an old residential street and thus is quite narrow, there was a family of three. The parents pushing their child in the stroller. This would be fine if they were mentally capable of utilizing the sidewalk, but it seems that they need to walk up the middle of the drive. One parent on each side, with one hand on a stroller handle, so their both pushing. Awww, how cute. Too bad you're taking up so much space that my car can't by you! The mother turns her head back to look at me, creeping up the hill behind them, then says something to the father. They both laugh, look back at me, and keep walking. In the middle of the drive.

Finally, we reach the top of the hill and they have to get out of the way or stop altogether. The get out of my way, thus I choose not to decorate my hood with their bloody mangled tire imprinted corpses. I am, as always, a veritable incarnation of restraint.

Finally, I am able to park as far from the entrance door as possible. A brief quarter mile walk and I can enter the mall. Huzzah!

Food court, surprisingly suck free!

I swing past the food court and hit up the ATM machine. One of those stand alone models you see in convenience stores, so people use the top as a table. I'm getting my cash when I realize that there is a set of shiny BMW keys sitting on top of the ATM. Hmmm...time for an auto upgrade? No, no, as I said, a veritable incarnation of restraint, so I turn the keys into security. Yay me!

I then use my verdigris portrait of a deceased president to obtain that holiest of grails: The China Max buffet combo plate!

Entering the lair of the beasts...

Once I begin walking into the mall proper, of course, everything goes downhill. First, comes the screaming toddler throwing a tantrum. Every ten seconds or so, she just shrieks at the top of her lungs. Then her little sister, in the stroller being pushed by Mommy, copies the shriek and giggles. And Mommy, that fine example of matronly excellence, giggles too! I quietly think to myself that she should attempt to discipline her children or at least take them outside rather than wandering store to store with her two screaming offspring. I proceed to depart that section of the mall very quickly, to the accompaniment of screaming children and Salvation Army bells.

Round One

Walking down towards the jewelry store, I walk past a kiosk that sells scented lotion. The men that work there dress as though they aspire to be male Italian supermodels. As I walk quickly past, ignoring their creamy odoriforous profusion of skin care products, one of them steps out in front of me:

IMW1: Italian Model Wannabe #1
Me: Three guesses...

IMW1: Hello, sir, can I ask you one question?

Me: You just did, looks like you wasted your chance. <attempting to sidestep around IMW>

IMW1: <heading off my escape attempt> There's no reason to be rude.

Me: <glaring> You're right, so get out of my way and let me keep going.

IMW1:... You're not nice. <returns to kiosk in a huff, proclaiming to his IMW co-irkers that I am "not nice"

Ooooooh nooooes! I'm not nice to people that try to force their product on me when I'm clearly not interested? Whatever. Maybe I was sucky, but if I was interested wouldn't I at least have stopped to look at the kiosk in the first place?

I make it into Best Buy where I'm simply picking up a gift card. Quick easy simple transaction, just head straight to the register by the door, pay, and walk back out. In and out in about two minutes. Woo!

Round Two

Of course, to get back to the rest of the mall, I have to walk buy the IMW lotion kiosk again.

IMW2: Italian Model Wannabe #2 (as #1 doesn't like me for being "not nice")
Me: Still me.

IMW2: <stepping in front of me to block my path> Hello, sir, can I just take a minute and ask you one question?

Me: <Seriously? Again?> No. Now get of the way, I'm not interested. <I step diagonally around him as his mind seems to be unable to process my response. Who says no to Italian model lotion?>

IMW2: <reaches out GRABS MY ARM and PULLS ME BACKWARDS. Big mistake, incidentally.> Sir, I don't think you understand what I'm saying.

Me: Motherf***** I don't think you know what the f*** you're doing. Get your f****** hand off me NOW before I break your arm and shove that bottle of lotion up your a**!

IMW2: <still holding my arm. Not a good idea!> What's your problem, man? I just want to --

Me: <Did I mention one of my black belt friends taught me some basics? So I use my basic akido knowledge to remove his hand in a manner that's quite painful. To him.> You do NOT f****** touch me, a******. I wasn't interested in your crappy product five minutes ago, where the hell do you get off pulling this s*** now?

IMW2: Ow! You're breaking my hand! <No, it just feels that way to you. Enjoy!

IMW1: Hey! Security! I'm callling security! You're gonna get arrested!

Me: Good. You call security. I'm going to ask them why you little b****** get to grab shoppers who have already made it clear that they are NOT INTERESTED. So, please, call security. I'll be happy to explain to them that I don't enjoy salesmen who feel it necessary to try manhandling me into listening to their spiel.

IMW2: Just let me go! We'll forget the whole thing!

Me: Fine. And from now on f***head, not interested means, NOT INTERESTED so shut your f****** mouth, keep your hands to yourself, and leave me be.

IMW2: Okay, I get it, just let me go! <I let go, turn and start walking away.>

IMW1: You're on video! Security will still get you!

Me: Yeah, good. I'll be happy to talk to them.

Exit Me, mall right. Passing by the security staff all standing in line at the donut shop. Apparently, rent-a-cops are not immune to the sweet siren call of the donut, either.

I haven't heard from mall security, but I'm not exactly worried. It'll just show that the moron grabbed me and I didn't touch him until after I said to get his hands off. That just cannot be a legal sales technique. And, possibly, he'll think twice before grabbing another passerby who just wants to get away.

I hate the mall. No, wait, I love the collection of stores in one place. I just hate the people.

fin

[Becks]

Aw, I think you missed your chance to get me some lilac lotion.

[ditchdj]

If you wanted to you could have them arrested for assault. Anytime you put your hands on someone and they dont welcome it it's considered assault.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

I get that with the people at kiosks trying to sell cell phones. I don't make eye contact with them, period. And if they try to talk to me, I keep walking and do not acknowledge them.

Thank God my Christmas shopping is done. Mall was packed and I pretty much had to park on a snowbank and squirm out the passenger side door. Hey, it was either that or circle all the parking lots for hours on end looking for a better space.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Way I see it, they assaulted you. You acted in self defense. It was very nice to leave them both upright, breathing, and with not bloody at all. I'm not sure I would have been as charitable.

They aren't going to do anything because they know they grabbed you.

[Rine]

The one thing I don't like about the big mall near the little mall I work in: aggressive kiosk sellers. So annoying. Saturday I was shopping with my sister and one came up to me and took my hair into one hand and he put his hand on my shoulder (he came up on my left side and I have horrid peripheral vision on that side and didn't seem him too well) and I freaked out and stomped on his foot really hard and whacked him with my shopping bag. When I realized someone wasn't trying to attack me and the man was cursing in pain my sister grabbed me and we took off. (Turns out that it was some sort of shampoo booth or something...)

Gerrinson, I really don't think you have to worry about security coming to get you or anything. No one should have ever touched you in the first place and after than happened, you had grounds to defend yourself.

[Alfie]

We have these lotion guys just near where I work (in a shopping centre in Australia). I think that I am going to have to call centre management about them because they have begun to be extremely intrusive. Usually they do the "can I ask you a question?", but I had a customer come in on Saturday and she was really upset because of them. She said that one had grabbed her arm, and she thought that someone was going to try to steal her bags. They take it way too far, and really piss me off. If your product is good enough to sell, then you don't need to harrass people into buying it.

[ArenaBoy]

This is one of the many reasons for why I don't set foot into malls. Can't stand the idiots, hate large crowds, and (This will sound absurd to a lot of you or stupid, take your pick) I feel my intelligence drop when I set foot into a mall. Fortunately for me I've never been hassled by kiosk workers and I want it to stay that way which means no setting foot in a mall.

[Imogene]

"can I ask you a question?"

"Only if it's not about your craptastic lotion."

When I worked at Chesterfield, we got a yearly kiosk of Dead Sea Salt body lotions/those video game systems that're just the controller and you plug that directly into your TV, for amazing, 8-bit gaming goodness! We had to report them a few times, after they started standing right smack dab in the middle of our doorway, accosting shoppers coming in or going out, which, of course, reflected badly on our store. They got shut down at least once.

Not as fun as the time I noticed some of their stock was beginning to smolder...

[rvdammit]

Not as fun as the time I noticed some of their stock was beginning to smolder...

Smokebombs, the logical solution?

[Crazeyal]

Seems to me that IMW was missing his quota and getting desperate. You could've sued the store if you wanted to be REALLY nasty.

[thegiraffe]

I have to say, I would have bought a ticket and popcorn to watch what would happen should someone try that on Mysty. I remember she posted a picture awhile back and thinking how....unassuming someone would be of what they would unleash by trying something like that.

That being said, I HATE those people. When I was at school in Tampa, some cellphone kiosk dude followed me for a few stores wanting to know about my phone and all. Thankfully, I marched for 4 years in high school JROTC, so I know how to keep an eye on someone without looking like I am (for staying next to people and all), and I have EXCELLENT bearing, so if I'm in the right state of mind, it takes a LOT to break me from that. However, I never had one touch or try to touch me. Ooh...that would be bad. Depending on my day/week and my stress level, I just may send someone to the hospital.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

I have to say, I would have bought a ticket and popcorn to watch what would happen should someone try that on Mysty.

And I'd tell the coroner I have a rush job for them.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Walking down towards the jewelry store, I walk past a kiosk that sells scented lotion. The men that work there dress as though they aspire to be male Italian supermodels.

From your description of the kiosk workers, I'd almost think you were in my mall (except my mall doesn't have a Best Buy). Are they all Italian Model Wannabes? My mall has a guy and a girl in their kiosk, both way too 'good looking' to be selling lotion in the middle of the mall. I have been accosted by them more than once (not physically, thank dog - if they ever touched me I'd be heading straight for the security office and lodging a complaint). One day I went upstairs just so I wouldn't have to pass by them and went back down on the other end to get out to my car. I just wasn't in the mood.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Never been grabbed by one of these people. Had timeshare asshats try to call me over and get verbally agressive, but have never been touched. Never even had one try to block my path. I have been told on numerous occasions I give off a "this person is not a good target" vibe or something. I don't get bothered very often.

I think if one stepped deliberately in front of me, I'd just run over them. If one touched me...wow. I think it would end very badly. If one actually had the sand to GRAB me? Cops would be involved.