A how-to guide by me, I.P. Freleigh, based on real life experiences from this morning and afternoon when I ventured out of town to do some shopping.
How to make me flip you off:
Setting: a two-lane highway with a third lane jutting off to the left for drivers turning left onto an approaching freeway. I am in the left lane.
How to make me want to swear at you
Setting: the checkout lanes at a packed Target store
How to make me want to slap you:
Setting: the minivan parked next to my car in the mall parking lot
How to make me want to start patronizing Borders/Waldenbooks more often:
Setting: the checkout at Barnes & Noble
How to lighten my mood considerably:
Setting: The Gap, where I am purusing shirts and shorts
How to make me flip you off:
Setting: a two-lane highway with a third lane jutting off to the left for drivers turning left onto an approaching freeway. I am in the left lane.
- Start out about a car length behind me, and in the lane to the right of me.
- When I put on my blinker and start to move into the second left-hand lane to merge onto the freeway, suddenly and without signaling swerve your Audi across two traffic lanes trying to get into the spot I am moving into.
- Slam on your brakes to avoid rear-ending me.
- Gesture at me like I'm the rude driver who just cut you off.
- Hope you enjoyed my middle finger. With the way you drive, you'll be seeing a lot of them.
How to make me want to swear at you
Setting: the checkout lanes at a packed Target store
- Cashier opens up one of the express lanes (10 items or less)
- As I'm getting into line for the newly-opened express lane, shove your shopping cart in front of me, because you're too good to wait for me and my pair of shorts and 6-pack of Propel.
- When it's your turn, unload your 14 items onto the belt (yes, I counted)
- After all 14 items have been unloaded onto belt, suddenly realize you've forgotten something. Dash off and return with a bottle of skin lotion, which you add to your pile.
- When cashier tells you your total, leisurely dig into your purse, pull out your wallet, and realize you don't have enough cash in there to cover your purchases
- Return wallet to purse, dig out your checkbook, and write a check.
- Of course, check does not go through. Time to call over an already too-busy front end supervisor to do a check approval.
How to make me want to slap you:
Setting: the minivan parked next to my car in the mall parking lot
- While in the process of changing your toddler's diaper, toss messy diaper under your van onto the blacktop.
- When toddler asks you why you threw the diaper there, respond "Because it's stinky". (Oh, if only we could just go around throwing our stinky things wherever we please)
- Finish changing diaper, strap toddler into car seat, and drive off--leaving behind messy diaper, along with a mound of poop-smeared baby wipes
How to make me want to start patronizing Borders/Waldenbooks more often:
Setting: the checkout at Barnes & Noble
- As I approach the counter, carry on a conversation with some coworkers behind the counter.
- Summon me to the counter not by saying "I can help you, I can hel whoever's next" or some such thing
- Instead, jerk your head back and to the side in a "come here" motion. This way you don't need to interrupt your conversation
- Speak to me only to offer you B&N's membership card, which can save me 10% (I think) off my purchases at B&N, but has a $20 annual fee, which makes it not worthy of consideration to me.
- Plop my change onto the counter after I handed you my money to pay for my book
- Resume conversation with co-workers
How to lighten my mood considerably:
Setting: The Gap, where I am purusing shirts and shorts
- Play the song "Take A Picture" by Filter over the PA
- I had forgotten how much that song totally uber-rocks.
- It is now my new favorite off-the-beaten-path song
- Thank you.
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