Tweet
So I was at a WWE house show last night (an exhibition show that isn't on television) and man...I never realized just how much the people in this town are complete buttpipes until I had to sit in a crowd with a bunch of them. (At the very least, I was in the "buttpipe section" and didn't realize it, because everyone around me seemed to be one...) Let me try to sum this up...
1. To the group of about 20 sitting next to me, with three adults and the rest being in the 8-12 range...I really hope you guys chartered a bus to come pick you up, seeing as how all three of you adults drank about $100 worth of beer EACH in the 2 1/2 hours we were there and I'm pretty sure none of your children are going to be able to be the designated drivers.
2. To the mother sitting behind me...honey, I hate to use the F-word, but...you really need to sit your kid down and give him the "that's fake" speech. He's obviously at least 14, and he otherwise carried on fairly intelligent conversation so I don't think he's like, disabled mentally or anything...so I'm sorry, but he is way, WAY too old to start crying just because Rey Mysterio is getting gang-jumped and no one came to save him. Even I gave up on Santa by the time I was 12, okay?
3. Speaking of Rey Mysterio, to the parents of the kid who jumped the barricade and charged him for a hug...look, I know your kid loves Rey. Everyone loves Rey. Including the hulking monsters standing in the ring two feet away. I know in the storyline, they're mean awful men who pick on him, but in truth, these guys are almost all fond of each other, you know? So if they think their little buddy is getting attacked, they aren't going to stop and think "Gee, that's a kid, never mind," they're just going to see someone rushing at him at full speed and immediately charge it and start hitting it until they're satisfied that the threat is contained.
Even without considering them, Rey might only be 5'3" and 160 pounds, but he's still about five times stronger than your baby and if he gets startled because something grabs him from behind like your precious angel did, and he throws an elbow, your son is going to go down hard. And it will be your fault for not stopping him from climbing over a FUCKING FIVE-FOOT TALL FENCE while he's right next to you. (Yes, I saw you try to grab him when he already had JUMPED, so I know you were there.)
Overall, you're lucky Rey turned around just in time to realize it was just a kid, and your kid did get a quick hug...although it was less a hug and more Rey holding the kid still until the big mean security guards could catch your child and drag him away. I'm almost positive I'll get a phone call about the mean old guards bruising your precious sometime in the next couple of days.
4. Oh, and speaking of people who want to get too close to the wrestlers, to the woman who was waving her boobs at the security guard...here's a clue. When he looks, then turns and immediately runs away and doesn't come back, you can stop leaning on the barricade and crowing that he's going to get your backstage pass. Judging from the look of your cleavage, he's probably too busy doing the technicolor yawn in the locker room. (She didn't get the hint for half an hour, either. Ugh.)
5. To the parents on my other side...WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU BRING A TWO-YEAR-OLD TO THIS SHOW FOR?? First of all, I AM a wrestler, and I wouldn't bring my two-year-old nieces to a wrestling show because it's not something they should be exposed to just yet. Second, we're not leaving here until at least 11 o'clock and your baby is whining and tired by nine. Third, even before your baby was whining and tired, she couldn't sit still for longer than 30 seconds and she kept running back and forth in front of all the rest of us the entire time, waving her lightstick fast enough to knock my sister in the head at least twice. Fourth, trust me, we are not exactly surrounded by savory characters here and she might just get gone.
Look, I understand YOU are a wrestling fan, and your two boys in the 11-year-old range are fans, but your baby girl probably isn't just yet, she probably won't ever remember this show, so just buy her a Rey teddy bear at the end of the night and otherwise, leave her with a sitter!
6. To the dumbass who threw your beer can at William Regal...it was fun watching security kick your ass. Bonus handicap match for our viewing pleasure!
(And to add insult to injury, you didn't even HIT him, you missed by at least twenty feet. At least the idiot at the last show I went to had the aim to hit his target before he got his lights dimmed over and over.)
7. To the lady a couple of rows up who got personally offended when the heels (bad guys) started insulting the crowd, and so got up and left...um, well, okay, I guess, but I don't get the feeling that you exactly understand what's going on. See, they're EVIL. We're SUPPOSED to hate them. Their job is to make us hate them. Simplest way to do it? Insult us. It's easy, it's guaranteed to bring heat, but...I promise, it's not personal. You don't need to go on about how offended you are by being referred to as white trash and then march out with your nose ten feet in the air. (Further, if you're worried about being considered white trash, why do you live in Arkansas? I live here and I'm more or less proud of my state, but I know the stereotypes as well as anyone else...)
8. To the guy on the way out bitching about suing because CM Punk was originally advertised to be there and wasn't...first, that's why the programs have that "Card subject to change" disclaimer, and second, good luck with that.
Other than those annoyances, it was still a fun show. If any of my pictures come out good when I get them developed, I'll show them off, heh heh.
1. To the group of about 20 sitting next to me, with three adults and the rest being in the 8-12 range...I really hope you guys chartered a bus to come pick you up, seeing as how all three of you adults drank about $100 worth of beer EACH in the 2 1/2 hours we were there and I'm pretty sure none of your children are going to be able to be the designated drivers.
2. To the mother sitting behind me...honey, I hate to use the F-word, but...you really need to sit your kid down and give him the "that's fake" speech. He's obviously at least 14, and he otherwise carried on fairly intelligent conversation so I don't think he's like, disabled mentally or anything...so I'm sorry, but he is way, WAY too old to start crying just because Rey Mysterio is getting gang-jumped and no one came to save him. Even I gave up on Santa by the time I was 12, okay?
3. Speaking of Rey Mysterio, to the parents of the kid who jumped the barricade and charged him for a hug...look, I know your kid loves Rey. Everyone loves Rey. Including the hulking monsters standing in the ring two feet away. I know in the storyline, they're mean awful men who pick on him, but in truth, these guys are almost all fond of each other, you know? So if they think their little buddy is getting attacked, they aren't going to stop and think "Gee, that's a kid, never mind," they're just going to see someone rushing at him at full speed and immediately charge it and start hitting it until they're satisfied that the threat is contained.
Even without considering them, Rey might only be 5'3" and 160 pounds, but he's still about five times stronger than your baby and if he gets startled because something grabs him from behind like your precious angel did, and he throws an elbow, your son is going to go down hard. And it will be your fault for not stopping him from climbing over a FUCKING FIVE-FOOT TALL FENCE while he's right next to you. (Yes, I saw you try to grab him when he already had JUMPED, so I know you were there.)
Overall, you're lucky Rey turned around just in time to realize it was just a kid, and your kid did get a quick hug...although it was less a hug and more Rey holding the kid still until the big mean security guards could catch your child and drag him away. I'm almost positive I'll get a phone call about the mean old guards bruising your precious sometime in the next couple of days.
4. Oh, and speaking of people who want to get too close to the wrestlers, to the woman who was waving her boobs at the security guard...here's a clue. When he looks, then turns and immediately runs away and doesn't come back, you can stop leaning on the barricade and crowing that he's going to get your backstage pass. Judging from the look of your cleavage, he's probably too busy doing the technicolor yawn in the locker room. (She didn't get the hint for half an hour, either. Ugh.)
5. To the parents on my other side...WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU BRING A TWO-YEAR-OLD TO THIS SHOW FOR?? First of all, I AM a wrestler, and I wouldn't bring my two-year-old nieces to a wrestling show because it's not something they should be exposed to just yet. Second, we're not leaving here until at least 11 o'clock and your baby is whining and tired by nine. Third, even before your baby was whining and tired, she couldn't sit still for longer than 30 seconds and she kept running back and forth in front of all the rest of us the entire time, waving her lightstick fast enough to knock my sister in the head at least twice. Fourth, trust me, we are not exactly surrounded by savory characters here and she might just get gone.
Look, I understand YOU are a wrestling fan, and your two boys in the 11-year-old range are fans, but your baby girl probably isn't just yet, she probably won't ever remember this show, so just buy her a Rey teddy bear at the end of the night and otherwise, leave her with a sitter!
6. To the dumbass who threw your beer can at William Regal...it was fun watching security kick your ass. Bonus handicap match for our viewing pleasure!
(And to add insult to injury, you didn't even HIT him, you missed by at least twenty feet. At least the idiot at the last show I went to had the aim to hit his target before he got his lights dimmed over and over.)7. To the lady a couple of rows up who got personally offended when the heels (bad guys) started insulting the crowd, and so got up and left...um, well, okay, I guess, but I don't get the feeling that you exactly understand what's going on. See, they're EVIL. We're SUPPOSED to hate them. Their job is to make us hate them. Simplest way to do it? Insult us. It's easy, it's guaranteed to bring heat, but...I promise, it's not personal. You don't need to go on about how offended you are by being referred to as white trash and then march out with your nose ten feet in the air. (Further, if you're worried about being considered white trash, why do you live in Arkansas? I live here and I'm more or less proud of my state, but I know the stereotypes as well as anyone else...)
8. To the guy on the way out bitching about suing because CM Punk was originally advertised to be there and wasn't...first, that's why the programs have that "Card subject to change" disclaimer, and second, good luck with that.
Other than those annoyances, it was still a fun show. If any of my pictures come out good when I get them developed, I'll show them off, heh heh.
- I'm a heavier person and she made me embarassed to be fuller figured) turned to my husband and asked if he thought the Undertaker would win the title from Yokozuna. He said "No way. This is just a house show. If he would lose it, it wouldn't even be on regular tv - it would be on a Pay-Per-View." She then said "Well he'd BETTER win it! I PROMISED my kid he would. It's my kids BIRTHDAY FOR CRIPES SAKE!" Yep, I bet that Undertaker will get right on that for you.
Comment