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I have a friend at work who has been responsible for the last four times I laughed until I cried. The first time was her story about being tricked into going to a nudist colony and especially her horror at the lunch buffet -- which was of course protected by a sneeze guard. The second time was because she stole a sign that someone had put on a basket of vegetables someone left in the break room, copied it on bright yellow paper and stuck it on another coworker's back. The sign read "Free! Please take and enjoy!" and our coworker didn't notice the sign for about three hours. The third time was about taking her nine-year-old granddaughter to an infamous local pub to hear a band, how her granddaughter refused to take off her Hannah Montana wig the entire night and strolled around the drunks the whole time drinking IBC root beer from a brown glass bottle.
The fourth time came very recently. We'd been scheduled to go out to eat with some other people from work, and while the rest of us showed up, she never did. We found out the next day why.
She'd been arrested for assault. As it turned out, she and her sister went to a bar earlier that day. She wasn't paying attention when her sister got her drink, but when it came her turn she noticed that the bartender had several large open sores on her face. Her sister already had her drink, and so she didn't want to leave, but she certainly didn't want the bartender mixing anything for her. Not with those sores. She told her so. She offered to mix the drink, a bloody mary, herself because she owned a bar herself for several years. When that didn't work, she asked for a manager to mix the drink.
That didn't work either. The bartender made a bloody mary and slammed it down in front of my friend, who picked up the bloody mary, threw it in the bartender's face, and then nailed her in the head with a bowl of peanuts. That's when the cops got called.
They both ended up in the same holding cell, along with a bunch of fat hookers, who took one look at the sores on the bartender's face, and agreed with my friend when she ordered the bartender to stay on the other side of the cell. "If you have to piss, you're going to piss your pants," were her exact words because my friend and the hookers had the side with the toilet.
So. Considering all of that, how sucky was my friend?
The fourth time came very recently. We'd been scheduled to go out to eat with some other people from work, and while the rest of us showed up, she never did. We found out the next day why.
She'd been arrested for assault. As it turned out, she and her sister went to a bar earlier that day. She wasn't paying attention when her sister got her drink, but when it came her turn she noticed that the bartender had several large open sores on her face. Her sister already had her drink, and so she didn't want to leave, but she certainly didn't want the bartender mixing anything for her. Not with those sores. She told her so. She offered to mix the drink, a bloody mary, herself because she owned a bar herself for several years. When that didn't work, she asked for a manager to mix the drink.
That didn't work either. The bartender made a bloody mary and slammed it down in front of my friend, who picked up the bloody mary, threw it in the bartender's face, and then nailed her in the head with a bowl of peanuts. That's when the cops got called.
They both ended up in the same holding cell, along with a bunch of fat hookers, who took one look at the sores on the bartender's face, and agreed with my friend when she ordered the bartender to stay on the other side of the cell. "If you have to piss, you're going to piss your pants," were her exact words because my friend and the hookers had the side with the toilet.
So. Considering all of that, how sucky was my friend?
She deserved to be arrested for assault and if the bartender defended herself she was in the right (IMO)..
until I 
. I couldn't help it.
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