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....A Gas station/convenience store clerk. Yeah he read my "Do not" subway things and he actually came up with his own. IT actually surprises me how bloody stupid people can be....
Don't drive off without paying. Gas is NOT FREE you dumbshit!!
This gas station is self-serve and yet it's only recently when people keep driving off with gas. Even those smug-ass rich people immune to layoffs driving their Ferraris and Lexuses and Priuses drive off after getting a lot of gas. And even when gas was $1.50 last fall they STILL DID IT ANYWAY!!! Well no wonder you guys can afford to be driving around those Hummers and Mercedes, because when you don't pay for gas ANYthing is affordable!! It's so annoying that they won't even make it pay-first due to the fact that it'd make everything slow down.
Don't come in and say "Mine's the SUV", "Mine's the blue car", or "mine's the cab" when there are SEVERAL OTHER KINDS OF CARS LIKE THAT!!!
Yes which pump are you on? How am I supposed to know which SUV is yours when there are THREE OTHER KINDS OF ****ING SUVS OUT THERE!!! And please don't say "Mine's the Red/White/Blue car". I swear every SINGLE car in the US is one of those three colours.
Don't come behind the counter to get stuff like cigarettes or Tobacco.
Just because you acn get your own candy or drinks or stuff from the soda fountain does not mean that stuff BEHIND THE DAMN GLASS is self-serve. It's under lock-and-key so you idiots can't stuff cigarettes or tobacco in your pants and run out.
Don't yell at ME about the Tobacco Tax.
I KNOW the tax is big for Tobacco. I KNOW it costs way more than it did before...but whose fault is it? Is it the state's fault for tax? Is it the government's fault for approving that tax? Is it my fault for selling it? I'm pretty sure it's not that. SO STOP YELLING AT ME!!!
Don't have sex in the bathroom.
It's public. Do you wanna get walked in on or sick because we don't clean it every time someone has a scat orgy in there? Yes there's a condom and tampon machine in there...THAT DOES NOT MEAN TO HAVE SEX!!! Especially when you can't even do it quietly and there are kids asking what's going on in there.
When you need to throw up or use the bathroom, you go to a garbage can or preferably the toilet. Not on someone's car, not in the wiper fluid, not on the floor, not on a shelf, not on the floor, THE TOILET.
Because I was not hired to clean your mess up. Even if you're throwing up like LInda Blair there's food nearby. Use THE TOILET. Or the garbage can if it's an absolute emergency because those get emptied.
Don't write in shit or blood in the bathroom.
Those don't get cleaned until we're getting ready to close. That is just plain gross. My friend put it best..."VinShit Van Gogh" or "Pukeasso". Also, Tampons are NOT Pencils!!! Don't write on the wall with one!!! Even if you're writing Kanji this is NOT ****ing Okami!!!
If I caught you stuffing chips or bottles of soda/booze or ice cream or whatever into your pants, then you have to pay for it and I CAN Charge you for it.
Seriously this store isn't that big...do you think you can go into a place where the cameras won't pick you up or where I won't see you and try to get away with free food?
Please don't try and steal alcohol when there's a cop RIGHT THERE IN THE STORE!!!
Seriously, that's not how you shoplift. You shoplift when people aren't looking and when there ARE no cops or security guards around. Yeah we get some off-duty police officers but they STILL carry around guns.
Please wear deodorant.
Please don't subsitute 50 gallons of perfume or cologne for deodorant.
Please don't pay for a 59 cent pack of gum with a $100.
Do you not see that sign RIGHT ON THE REGISTER that says we can't take bills larger than a $20?
Please don't hold the line up to write a check...there's another sign right above the "nothing larger than a $20" that says we don't take checks.
ESPECIALLY don't buy a 98 cent candy bar and try to write a check. Seriously who on earth writes checks for a bloody DOLLAR?!
You can't buy Alcohol with a Canadian Drivers License.
Sorry but you have to wait another two-three years. And please don't whine about how they let you buy alcohol at 18 in Calgary or wherever in Canada you're from.
Don't use Fake IDs from stupid programs.
Fake IDs are ILLEGAL. And sometimes it's bloody obvious. "Colorado" is NOT spelled "Colarado" or "Callorado". >.< And Wyoming is not spelled "Whyoming" and Kansas is not spelled with a "C". >.< I seriously hope you aren't paying money for these Fake IDs....
Learn to use a Fake ID before trying to use one.
...yeah you sound like you're 15 and a half years old, you look 13, and this fake drivers license says you're 35?! Nuh uh you aren't getting this Coors Lite. AT least get something GOOD if you're going to break the law....
Don't try and hold me up with a bottle of DASANI.
Yes this seriously happened. Someone came in, walked over to the cooler, picked up a large bottle of Dasani and then held it to me and said "GIMME ALL YOUR MONEY THIS IS A HOLD-UP!". Dude my FRIEND was in the store and he knows KARATE...if you're going to hold this up, use a GUN or a knife. Or at least a GLASS bottle since that might actually do more damage.
Don't let kids run around rampant.
Oh yes I WILL charge you for that Hostess Cupcake your kid's shoving in his mouth. Don't make me get out a stun gun or a taser...
Don't hold the line up to have phone sex.
Don't hold the line up to talk about random shit.
Put that Cell Phone DOWN!!!
Turn your music down. If I can hear Eminem or 50 Cent from your ear buds all the way at the register then it's too loud.
Don't open your doors in the car wash and then yell at me when you and your car get wet.
SERIOUSLY your car is getting sprayed with HOT WAX and water and you wanna OPEN THE DOOR?! What are you trying to take a free shower? This happens more than you think. The first time it happened was a stupid teenager who thought it'd be funny to pull down the windows and then comes in soaking wet saying the car wash is broken. >.< Then some senior came in saying their grandchild opened the door and now their car was stuck in the carwash...YET YOU GOT OUT ANYWAYS?!? Don't you know that's also DANGEROUS?!?!
Don't continue to feed coins into the air pump when it's already on.
Don't say the air pump's broken cause it's not free.
It's only free to bikers.
Don't try to break into the ATM.
No haggling.
Don't fill your Nalgene up with Pepsi and then try and walk-off without paying. That costs MONEY fyi.
Please don't use a high-school ID to buy alcohol.
Because I went to that high school and I can tell you they do NOT Allow you to buy booze.
Don't drive off without paying. Gas is NOT FREE you dumbshit!!
This gas station is self-serve and yet it's only recently when people keep driving off with gas. Even those smug-ass rich people immune to layoffs driving their Ferraris and Lexuses and Priuses drive off after getting a lot of gas. And even when gas was $1.50 last fall they STILL DID IT ANYWAY!!! Well no wonder you guys can afford to be driving around those Hummers and Mercedes, because when you don't pay for gas ANYthing is affordable!! It's so annoying that they won't even make it pay-first due to the fact that it'd make everything slow down.
Don't come in and say "Mine's the SUV", "Mine's the blue car", or "mine's the cab" when there are SEVERAL OTHER KINDS OF CARS LIKE THAT!!!
Yes which pump are you on? How am I supposed to know which SUV is yours when there are THREE OTHER KINDS OF ****ING SUVS OUT THERE!!! And please don't say "Mine's the Red/White/Blue car". I swear every SINGLE car in the US is one of those three colours.
Don't come behind the counter to get stuff like cigarettes or Tobacco.
Just because you acn get your own candy or drinks or stuff from the soda fountain does not mean that stuff BEHIND THE DAMN GLASS is self-serve. It's under lock-and-key so you idiots can't stuff cigarettes or tobacco in your pants and run out.
Don't yell at ME about the Tobacco Tax.
I KNOW the tax is big for Tobacco. I KNOW it costs way more than it did before...but whose fault is it? Is it the state's fault for tax? Is it the government's fault for approving that tax? Is it my fault for selling it? I'm pretty sure it's not that. SO STOP YELLING AT ME!!!
Don't have sex in the bathroom.
It's public. Do you wanna get walked in on or sick because we don't clean it every time someone has a scat orgy in there? Yes there's a condom and tampon machine in there...THAT DOES NOT MEAN TO HAVE SEX!!! Especially when you can't even do it quietly and there are kids asking what's going on in there.
When you need to throw up or use the bathroom, you go to a garbage can or preferably the toilet. Not on someone's car, not in the wiper fluid, not on the floor, not on a shelf, not on the floor, THE TOILET.
Because I was not hired to clean your mess up. Even if you're throwing up like LInda Blair there's food nearby. Use THE TOILET. Or the garbage can if it's an absolute emergency because those get emptied.
Don't write in shit or blood in the bathroom.
Those don't get cleaned until we're getting ready to close. That is just plain gross. My friend put it best..."VinShit Van Gogh" or "Pukeasso". Also, Tampons are NOT Pencils!!! Don't write on the wall with one!!! Even if you're writing Kanji this is NOT ****ing Okami!!!
If I caught you stuffing chips or bottles of soda/booze or ice cream or whatever into your pants, then you have to pay for it and I CAN Charge you for it.
Seriously this store isn't that big...do you think you can go into a place where the cameras won't pick you up or where I won't see you and try to get away with free food?
Please don't try and steal alcohol when there's a cop RIGHT THERE IN THE STORE!!!
Seriously, that's not how you shoplift. You shoplift when people aren't looking and when there ARE no cops or security guards around. Yeah we get some off-duty police officers but they STILL carry around guns.
Please wear deodorant.
Please don't subsitute 50 gallons of perfume or cologne for deodorant.
Please don't pay for a 59 cent pack of gum with a $100.
Do you not see that sign RIGHT ON THE REGISTER that says we can't take bills larger than a $20?
Please don't hold the line up to write a check...there's another sign right above the "nothing larger than a $20" that says we don't take checks.
ESPECIALLY don't buy a 98 cent candy bar and try to write a check. Seriously who on earth writes checks for a bloody DOLLAR?!
You can't buy Alcohol with a Canadian Drivers License.
Sorry but you have to wait another two-three years. And please don't whine about how they let you buy alcohol at 18 in Calgary or wherever in Canada you're from.
Don't use Fake IDs from stupid programs.
Fake IDs are ILLEGAL. And sometimes it's bloody obvious. "Colorado" is NOT spelled "Colarado" or "Callorado". >.< And Wyoming is not spelled "Whyoming" and Kansas is not spelled with a "C". >.< I seriously hope you aren't paying money for these Fake IDs....
Learn to use a Fake ID before trying to use one.
...yeah you sound like you're 15 and a half years old, you look 13, and this fake drivers license says you're 35?! Nuh uh you aren't getting this Coors Lite. AT least get something GOOD if you're going to break the law....
Don't try and hold me up with a bottle of DASANI.
Yes this seriously happened. Someone came in, walked over to the cooler, picked up a large bottle of Dasani and then held it to me and said "GIMME ALL YOUR MONEY THIS IS A HOLD-UP!". Dude my FRIEND was in the store and he knows KARATE...if you're going to hold this up, use a GUN or a knife. Or at least a GLASS bottle since that might actually do more damage.
Don't let kids run around rampant.
Oh yes I WILL charge you for that Hostess Cupcake your kid's shoving in his mouth. Don't make me get out a stun gun or a taser...
Don't hold the line up to have phone sex.
Don't hold the line up to talk about random shit.
Put that Cell Phone DOWN!!!
Turn your music down. If I can hear Eminem or 50 Cent from your ear buds all the way at the register then it's too loud.
Don't open your doors in the car wash and then yell at me when you and your car get wet.
SERIOUSLY your car is getting sprayed with HOT WAX and water and you wanna OPEN THE DOOR?! What are you trying to take a free shower? This happens more than you think. The first time it happened was a stupid teenager who thought it'd be funny to pull down the windows and then comes in soaking wet saying the car wash is broken. >.< Then some senior came in saying their grandchild opened the door and now their car was stuck in the carwash...YET YOU GOT OUT ANYWAYS?!? Don't you know that's also DANGEROUS?!?!
Don't continue to feed coins into the air pump when it's already on.
Don't say the air pump's broken cause it's not free.
It's only free to bikers.
Don't try to break into the ATM.
No haggling.
Don't fill your Nalgene up with Pepsi and then try and walk-off without paying. That costs MONEY fyi.
Please don't use a high-school ID to buy alcohol.
Because I went to that high school and I can tell you they do NOT Allow you to buy booze.
....wow.
It's like these people have forgotten all about potty training or hygiene...
crooks are stupid. Either that, or it's for the "thrill." 
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