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you look like a couch, and you live in an anus

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  • you look like a couch, and you live in an anus

    Long ranty post!

    Not sure if this is OT, since the person in question is a customer but wasn't interacting with an on-duty employee at the time.

    I work in a national park. People are always amazed by this when they realize it's possible to work and live here. I don't know why. Today I'm peacefully sitting in a hotel lobby (unfortunately the only places to get wireless), and this...person sits down nearby.

    She's probably in her late 50s. She's being viciously attacked by a gigantic floral print - a disturbing pantsuit which makes her resemble nothing so much as a walking couch. It clashes violently with her huge laptop case (you could fit a terrier in there), which is festooned with a cherry pattern (said cherries are about 1 inch in diameter). She asks me if I'll reach behind me and plug her laptop in, since it's awkward to lean over me. I acquiesce and she sits down and starts doing stuff.

    A couple minutes later and a game show starts blaring out of her speakers. And she doesn't pull out headphones or turn it down or off, she just keeps listening. I put on my headphones and crank up my favorite Finnish metal band to drown it out. She eventually turns off the game show and gets up to leave. I read her lips and believe she's asking me where I'm visiting from. I unwillingly pull my headphones off (you know, since they're a signal to normal humans that I don't want to be bothered and such).

    "I'm from Michigan."
    "Oh, really, we're from OHIO! Are you going to hike the <popular trail>?"
    "Oh, how lovely, Ohio, the country's anus!" I should have said, because it would have gotten rid of her (no offense to anyone from Ohio). But no, I was friendly and made the mistake of revealing that I lived here.
    "So you work here?"
    "Yes." Her head tilts back half a degree.
    "So do you guys make minimum wage?" Oh, there's a polite question...
    "Yes, starting out, unless you're a manager." Her head tilts back half a degree. Her nose seems to elongate somewhat. Her nostrils flare a bit.
    "So what's the housing like, pretty nice?"
    "It's...dorms. We have heat, electricity, running water (furniture, walls, a roof, I thought, but didn't say)....rent's really cheap here <insert details>." Her head tilts back a few more degrees.
    "So what brought you to do this?" Like I would only choose this lifestyle if driven to it.
    "Oh, this is my third park." We discuss what other parks I've worked at.
    "So how long are you going to do this?" Head tilts back another degree, nose grows several inches. I give her a rough estimate.
    "What are you doing after that?" Starting a campaign to have nosy people's voice boxes removed...
    "Going back to school."
    "Where did you go before?" I name the school and degree. It's a community college. Her head tilts back even farther and her nostrils flare some more.
    "What are you going to go to school for now?" I tell her. Her head tilts back even farther, so much so that it forces her to stand up along with it, and she wishes me a lovely time, I wish her a lovely vacation (or one fraught with horror...you pick) and she leaves, her nose now long enough (from looking at me down its length) that if she could support her weight with it, she'd be taller than she is on her legs.

    She reminds me of the upper-middle-class guy who had a similar conversation with me when I worked at another park, then as he bid me goodbye, glibly instructed me not to forget my kind, loving Dorm Supervisor from <park> when I got a "real job". This from a guy who wanted his sheets changed every day, had a roomful of expensive books and electronics, and thought a $2 tip was generous.

    The terrifying thing about the woman I met today is that people have to serve her. People have to make her hamburgers and tidy up her room and drive her around on shuttles and listen to her inane questions. And they have to be polite about it. Unlike me, the fool who had an opportunity to compare her home to an anus and let it slip through my fingers. The opportunity, that is.
    "Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages." - Terry Pratchett
    Emissary of Minong - my blog and its Facebook page

  • #2
    Quoth dragonslayer126
    "Oh, how lovely, Ohio, the country's anus!" I should have said, because it would have gotten rid of her (no offense to anyone from Ohio)
    Yes, you should've. You're from Michigan. I think the Constitution requires you to think that way about Ohio.

    Then again, I'm from Wisconsin and kinda feel the same way about Ohio.

    As for that Cherry-print laptop case, 20 bucks says it's a Vera Bradley. I've yet to see anything of theirs that wasn't fuck ugly.
    Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

    "I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

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    • #3
      I love, love, love this title . . .

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      • #4
        *blinks, pelts Irv with Buckeye candies, and runs*

        "Hi, this is Silver. How may I lose my self respect in order to cater to your over- inflated ego today?" --- Silverrb

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        • #5
          Quoth SilverOrb View Post
          *blinks, pelts Irv with Buckeye candies, and runs*

          Forget the candies, I'm getting the real Buckeyes. Those nuts can hurt.

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          • #6
            Quoth Irving Patrick Freleigh View Post
            Yes, you should've. You're from Michigan. I think the Constitution requires you to think that way about Ohio.

            Then again, I'm from Wisconsin and kinda feel the same way about Ohio.

            As for that Cherry-print laptop case, 20 bucks says it's a Vera Bradley. I've yet to see anything of theirs that wasn't fuck ugly.
            Yes it is in the Constitution. We've even went to war with them.

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            • #7
              Quoth mikoyan29 View Post
              Yes it is in the Constitution. We've even went to war with them.
              Yes, and Wisconsin ended up losing it. Kinda like football!
              Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

              "I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth Irving Patrick Freleigh View Post
                Then again, I'm from Wisconsin and kinda feel the same way about Ohio.
                Hell, I'm FROM Ohio, and I feel that way about Ohio.

                Ok, ok. It's still better than Buffalo, NY where I grew up.
                "If your day is filled with firefighting, you need to start taking the matches away from the toddlers…” - HM

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                • #9
                  my favorite Finnish metal band
                  Nightwish? Korpiklaani? Finntroll?

                  Just curious. We like metal in our house.
                  https://www.facebook.com/authorpatriciacorrell/

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                  • #10
                    *shudder* That sounds like my Grandmother. Don't get me wrong I love the woman to death but she has turned talking about nothing with complete strangers into an art form.

                    Her intentions are sincere however weird it may be for some. She has it in mind that most people are lonely and just need a friendly person to listen. Problem for Grandma is shes not so good at the listening part and ends up doing most of the talking :P

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                    • #11
                      Quoth Irving Patrick Freleigh View Post
                      Yes, and Wisconsin ended up losing it. Kinda like football!
                      Football? What is this football thing you mention? Is that some kind of sport?

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                      • #12
                        Quoth AnaKhouri View Post
                        Nightwish? Korpiklaani? Finntroll?

                        Just curious. We like metal in our house.
                        Lordi. The music and music videos aside...how can you not like a band which titles songs things like "Bringing Back The Balls To Rock" and "Hellbender Turbulence"? Even if they are mainstream enough in Finland to have their own brand of soft drink. They also have thought-provoking lyrics like "The devil is a loser and he's my bitch."

                        I hope that isn't as unpopular as my statement about Ohio. I was joking! It was a joke! I have terrible anatomical names for at least five other states, some of which I've never even been to. Look deep into the middle schooler part of yourself and ask yourself what Florida resembles most...
                        "Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages." - Terry Pratchett
                        Emissary of Minong - my blog and its Facebook page

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                        • #13
                          Relax. I thought it was funny... And I'll take any excuse to pelt Irv with sugary objects.
                          "Hi, this is Silver. How may I lose my self respect in order to cater to your over- inflated ego today?" --- Silverrb

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                          • #14
                            Quoth SilverOrb View Post
                            And I'll take any excuse to pelt Irv with sugary objects.
                            Can I join in? Sounds like fun.
                            "Is it hot in here to you? It's very warm, isn't it?"--Nero, probably

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                            • #15
                              Yes. Yes you can.

                              Though we are using nuts and buckeyes... We need a cheese now. Cheesecake!!!
                              "Hi, this is Silver. How may I lose my self respect in order to cater to your over- inflated ego today?" --- Silverrb

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