Even Profs are Allowed to Show Compassion

[Magpie]

Background the first: Engineering is a very macho field. Despite what my Women's Studies instructor kept claiming, being female isn't a problem. A guy who isn't macho will have a hard time, a woman who is won't. I once listened to some people in my class scoffing at the upper year who had gone to the hospital from stress. To them, it was better to go for a reason like drinking too much (better as in less shameful).

Background the second: A couple of weeks ago I got a call from some friends of mine. It happened the Friday before midterm week for undergrads, or two Fridays before reading week (this is relevant, just bear with me). They explained that a mutual friend and former classmate of ours, who was also their landlord + roomate had just committed suicide. The department chair/former head of our programme was informed and he told the Dean's office and university administration. So all the profs in our department were informed, Counselling Services called one of my friends (who had been there before) and was given the message that if any of us needed to talk to someone there that time would be made for us. That evening there was essentially a wake at my deceased friend's fraternity house, Saturday night we all went to his place for dinner with his [former?] housemates, who were supposed to be celebrating getting their Iron Rings. In short, there was a lot of people banding together for support, and the unversity was very good about realising that this would be a difficult time.

Now for the meat of the issue.

One of the abovementioned friends messaged me on Monday, not doing well. Apparently one of her professors, upon having it explained that she wasn't going to be in fit state to write her exam, replied that that was ok, she could just have a 100% final. Now, my friend had already been worried about the fact that the mark was entirely exam-based, but she wanted to learn this subject, so she kept going (in fourth year you get to choose courses, she could have switched this early in the term). A 100% final, however, is a really bad option for someone who suffers anxiety, and occasionally bombs tests and likes to have some sort of backup option.

My friend being under a fair bit of stress, and having had problems with this prof before, ended up going to the department and to counselling services (which can pull strings for various things) to see if he was allowed to do this. She did try talking to him, but while waiting outside the room where the midterm was, she had a bit of a crying jag in the hallway, and by the time he showed up (late), another prof had taken her off to see what could be done. So the prof eventually agreed to let her write the midterm late. He was, however, upset with her for having gone over his head. Ignoring, of course, the fact that he seems to just ignore requests which he doesn't like, and that she was under a lot of stress, and did what she could think of.

Having come back from reading week, spent mostly studying for this exam, my friend has now been informed that no, she isn't allowed to write the midterm after all. Apparently another student had needed to write later, but then changed his mind and decided that he would take the 100% final instead. This, for some reason (probably because she had to go over his head) results in my friend not being allowed to write the midterm. She has another appointment with the undergrad chair tomorrow, we'll see what happens. Unfortunately it's too late for her to switch classes, so she's stuck with this one.

Now for my share of suck.

I wasn't as badly affected as my friend (for starters, I don't have to sleep in the house where someone killed themselves.) However, I lost several days of work just due to things like the wake, the dinner, the memorial. I also lost a couple of days due to a relevation that I had about zero ability to handle any external stress. I figured I'd recover in time for my exam, Wednesday of reading week. However, just to make sure, I went to talk to Counselling Services, so that I had a paper trail showing that I recognised that I was affected, and that I was taking steps to deal with it. The advice I was given at counselling services was that I should talk with my profs, let them know that I had been affected by this.

Now, because of the lost time, I was a week behind in my review for my course. I could probably catch up, but it's a little bad to be there when there's going to be a midterm. I went and explained the situation to my professor and got told that no, he really couldn't give any accomodation. Given that I had an extra week, and that I wasn't really as close to a breakdown as my friend was, I could understand that. What got me was that it was then explained that (and I paraphrase here) if I had a real problem it would be ok, but he couldn't give consideration for every little thing. If he gave consideration for this, he'd have to give some to the guy who keeps complaining that he has such a long commute, after his kid kept him up all night.

I recognise that commuting from another city, with a young child, makes doing a degree much harder, but this guy at least KNEW that he was at a disadvantage. The other student who was being used as an example here is the one who told the prof that closed book exams weren't as good, could he please give us an open book one. I don't mind being told that he can't give consideration, but being told that it's my fault for not being on top of the work (I was on top of the work up until I got this news), and that I can't get consideration unless something's actually wrong (like if I was ill. Screw that, I'd come and infect him) that ticks me off. Believe it or not, it's not just slackers who get stressed.

And thank you all for letting me get that off my chest. Sorry if this is the wrong place, you're all good about reporting stuff, so I'm sure it'll get moved it if isn't.

[Pagan]

Oh, Magpie, sweetie, how are you doing? If you need anything, we're here, love.

I had an ass of a prof like this in college, too. My dad almost died from bacterial meningitis....as in they didn't know if he'd live through the night. This was on a Friday. Well, naturally, I hadn't done some work for a class and went to the prof immediately on Monday, told her what happened, and asked if I could turn it in Wednesday. She basically told me no and to suck it up.

At least that's what my mom has told me that I told her. I honestly don't remember. I've apparently blocked a lot of that.

[Magpie]

Thank you for the concern, but I'm doing fairly well. Actually my prof's response (at the time, about a week later) was way more stressful than the death had been. Well... no, but I was finding it harder to deal with. This was almost three weeks ago now, and I've had plenty of people to take care of (it's what helps me. I'm apparently a Ukrainian grandmother, despite being neither a) Ukrainian nor b) old enough (assuming progeny would be physically capable of being a parent at the same age I was) to be a grandmother).

[BlaqueKatt]

What got me was that it was then explained that (and I paraphrase here) if I had a real problem it would be ok, but he couldn't give consideration for every little thing. If he gave consideration for this, he'd have to give some to the guy who keeps complaining that he has such a long commute, after his kid kept him up all night.

Hmmm so someone killing themselves is equal to choosing to go to a school a good distance from where you live, and choosing to be a parent-good to know that to this prof personal choices=things thrust upon you without choice.


and I'm sorry but the death of a friend or family member(pets included) is not a "little thing" by any means, and in no manner equal to a commute when tired-I would let the councilor know that this prof did not accept grief as valid.

Just kind of a hey-prof x compared my feelings of loss/grieving with joe smith's being tired from driving-because frankly, for some people something like that could easily cause someone under stress from classwork/death of a friend to consider or attempt suicide themselves-grief can do strange things to people.

[Magpie]

...I would let the councilor know that this prof did not accept grief as valid.

Just kind of a hey-prof x compared my feelings of loss/grieving with joe smith's being tired from driving-because frankly, for some people something like that could easily cause someone under stress from classwork/death of a friend to consider or attempt suicide themselves-grief can do strange things to people.

See, I do agree that I ought to mention this to someone, but unless I wanted to get compensation there's not a lot that can be done, and given what is happening to my friend, I'm not up for dealing with it. I'm going with the fact that the university is pretty good (it's not just the current chairs) about dealing with this sort of thing, so that if he does it to someone else that other person will have protection. It's not like they can kick him out, he's a full prof.

The last time my deceased friend tried this they had a counselor in to talk to the class (even though most people didn't know what had happened, they did it discretely), and anyone who knew what had happened and failed was given an automatic repeat no penalty. (Basically it means that yes, you have to repeat the term, but it doesn't count as a fail. If you fail when you're repeating the term they don't kick you out, it doesn't go toward your max number of fails, etc).

[Ben_Who]

I dunno. We all think we like the tough-but-fair professor - at least we know we're not being coddled - but I want a professor, not a drill sergeant. I'd have professors spend the entire first class talking about how hard they were going to be on us. If a professor is allowed to say "Shut up and listen to what you are paying me to teach you," I'm allowed to say "Shut up and teach me what I paid to learn without your taking pride in your personality disorders."

The appeal of these professors is that they're right, of course - a lot of students, me included, began college painfully underprepared for the sort of environment we were going to be in. However, that rhetoric is not only going to be wasted on the sort of student that doesn't respond to it, it's going to turn off students like me who eventually do pry their heads out of their asses and return to college and succeed.

Love, Who?

[PepperElf]

my first college had a rule - if your roommate committed suicide you would be automatically passed for your finals or something like that. the opinion was that you would not be in any proper mental state to take your tests and it could not be held against you.

i hope everything works out well. i know how horrifying it can be.

[Tithera]

I had/have similar problems with professors. Although I did not have a friend die, my great grandad died round christmas time, but I have slowly gotten over it. My way of dealing with stuff like that is to emerse myself in my work. High school was about the same way.
High school: around the middle of my sophomore year, my dad was in a terrible accident involving two semi-tractor trailers (he was driving one, rammed into the back of another when it stopped suddenly and the trailer's brake lights didn't work). He was in a coma for about 3 weeks and was in physical therapy for a few years. This was a harsh blow for my family and is still affecting us. I missed about 2 weeks of school near midterm time. Now, most of my teachers were related to me or absolutely loved me, so they were helpful for homework and tests. My guidance counsler, on the other hand, told me to suck it up and get my stuff done or else I would fail. This did not sit well with me. Especially since he told my younger sister, who was in 5th or 6th grade at the time the same thing. She does not handle things like this well and missed almost a month and a half of school. She nearly went crazy when he told this, which caused me to cuss him out during lunch one day and got 2 days of detention. He does not even have a degree in counseling, so I took his words with a grain of salt. Still hate him to this day, from that and other incidents with him. I passed though, thankfully and graduated a few years later.
College: Freshmen year. What a trip so far. Well, when the year started, I was doing well. I kept up on the homework, made it to class everyday, on time. If I needed to miss a class for any reason, I would send my prof's an email warning them that I would not be there and asking them if we had homework from the class I was missing. This seemed to work well with them except one. Halfway through the quarter, my math teacher was getting angry with me for missing so much class. About this time, I am realizing that college is lot harder and far more fast paced than high school. I had just gone through a terrible break up, I was helping my older sister plan her wedding, along with trying to find a job, and helping out at home when mom didn't have time. Well, all this stressed drained me and both myself and my boyfriend caught some viral infection similar to swine flu and I missed two weeks worth of classes. We went to the emergency room, got a doctor's note which exempts us from losing points for not attending class, because it is a valid excuse. Not for Demon Prof. I finally make it to class, give copies of the doc's notes to all my profs. My other 3 profs. were completely fine with it, even thanking me for not coming in and infecting others (said in a joking matter, which I found funny as well). She on the other hand was furious. Apparently, I was not only supposed to email her and give her doctor's note, but I supposedly had to call her everyday I was not there. (Note: I had class MTWT at 9 in the morning.) The syllabus (description of class, homework, and contact info are listed here) was at my parents house in my hometown about a good 15-20 min. drive away. I decided to stay at my bf's in the college town 1) because everyone in the house was already sick 2) I didn't want to infect my family for several medical reasons 3) It came on suddenly one night and I couldn't move for those two weeks. It took much effort on both mine and my bf's part to even make it the four blocks to the ER to get checked out. When I went to talk to my prof about quizes and tests I missed, she goes off on me for not calling. I explained and showed the doc's note and told her I emailed her several times (which took much effort as well), warning her I was sick and would not be back until I was cleared by doc. I also explained to her that I could not move without puking or passing out at some points and explained the missing syllabus, thus not having her number. She tried to fail me, but thankfully I passed somehow and told me never to enroll her classes ever again. Believe me, I won't.
Second quarter, the current one, went a litte smoother until things once again began to happen. My sister's wedding and finding out she is pregnant took up a lot of time, not to mention my parents becoming ill, so I had to help out at home, even though by this time I am living with my bf. I got my homework done and in on time, particpated in class and even made friends with my profs. WEll, around this time, Ohio and 58 other states were hit by 2 massive blizzards and a few smaller, but still annoying snow storms. This made making it to class impossible and I only live on the other side of town from the school. Now I know that I was not the only one snowed in. Most of the students who go this school live in nearby areas and nearly everyone was on a level 2 or 3 emergency (2, you can be on the roads, but they don't advise it for good reason. 3 you're not allowed on the roads at all, unless you're a cop, emt or fireman.) Now, the campus itself does not close unless we're under a level 3. We were on a level two, but most of the professors cancelled classes, because they too were snowed in. Not this guy. His philosphy was if he could make it to school, so could all his students, not looking at the fact that he lives just down the road from the campus. After snow cleared, I got caught up on the homework, even got ahead of the class and all seemed well. Until my car started to screw up. Now, both of my bf's cars are out of commission due to lack of funds (both of us in school, he being an international student as well, so not too much money flows for us), so my car was our only transportation. I missed another week of classes due it being diagnosed and kind of fixed (still working on it actually) and I informed my prof of this via email. He seemed fine with it. Then, I return to class, turn in all my missing homework and took all the tests I missed and he gives me attitude. He informs I've missed too much class without a valid excuse (including the snow) and I will fail his course no matter what. Now, I am friends with several kids in my class and they missed far more classes than I have, didn't even make up the homework and are apparently passing. How does this work? So now I have to worry about losing my financial aid because of this one failing grade. I have attempted to talk to my advisor, but she is appointment only and her only opening is at the end of the next qurater. Thankfully we have freshmen forgiveness, which means if we fail a class and retake it within 90 credit hours, the second grade will replace the first and my gpa will shift.
I truly cannot understand how some people can think that if it doesn't affect them directly, it's not important. This is what makes me fear for future students everywhere, especially ones like my younger sister who does not handle school related stress well. This is where therapists and drug companies will make their furture earnings, trying to help kids with prof. related stress. GRRR!

[Tuxian]

He informs I've missed too much class without a valid excuse (including the snow) and I will fail his course no matter what. Now, I am friends with several kids in my class and they missed far more classes than I have, didn't even make up the homework and are apparently passing. How does this work? So now I have to worry about losing my financial aid because of this one failing grade. I have attempted to talk to my advisor, but she is appointment only and her only opening is at the end of the next qurater.

Go to the dean, go directly to the dean and do not pass go. This is unacceptable behavior. If the prof is failing you for non-attendance (which, given that you've already PAID for the class whether you attend it or not, shouldn't even be an issue, but that's a topic for another time) and not failing others who don't even bother to make up the work, you NEED to report this to the dean. Go as soon as possible, and don't be afraid to give him/her the lowdown on how this prof is attempting to put a black mark on your transcript.

[underemployeed]

magpie,
sorry to hear about the news. Hope no profs existed like this at VT. I got in trouble for walking out of class to take a call from my mom because my grandma was in the hospital and was actually in a state of mind where she could talk to people after slipping in and out of a pretty much vegetative state between cancer and everything else. Most profs didn't have a problem with not having warning of me missing classes that day. The real dick was my roommate, he wanted to play the game where you hit someone and keep going till a person wants to quit, seeing as my grandmother was being pulled off a ventilator the next morning and odds were against her I didn't want to play but wasn't going to let him get a free hit and told him he was hurting my arm, he said i had a coat, I made a fat joke to him, he went for real swing till I gave him a look that said "You think the girl who got beat with an Iron had it bad, wait till you see what happens when I go off", He ended up having to get something from his GFs car and snitched to the RA on the way out, RA came down to see me and talk about the "incident in the elevator" letting me know they actually have rooms on campus where I could go for the night if I needed a safe place. I told him "No I'm fine but if he touches me again or says anything about my grandmother. One of us is going to the hospital and hopefully it won't be me". Roommate gets back 20min later and packs his shit up for the night didn't see him for 2days and we didn't speak for 2weeks. He was lucky because I'm like the hulk you really don't want me angry because I get stronger and don't feel pain. In gym class on the one ab machine I could normally lift 60lbs, someone pissed me off I started lifting 250-300lb.

Tithera,
I agree with go see the dean cinnebt. That is one thing I learned in college, no matter what the rules are, there is one guy who is like Neo from the Matrix. you just need to find him and the rules won't exist.

Also, some profs have understanding to the point other students hate you. Some of my classmates didn't find it fair the reason I got an extension on my English paper is I walked into my profs office and said I was honest about not wanting to do the paper because I didn't give a shit about any of the topics he suggested and I finally found one 2 days before it was due. I was in a learning community so we had some of the general education courses in the building along with the profs offices. Another time I he got in at 7am and saw me working on another paper for his class, told me I have an extension and to get some sleep. The first course I took with him was Pass Fail since it was what most people call comp1. Got a C when I took him for Comp2, what can I say I suck in English.

My favorite prof to hate would e-mail the class 5minutes before class that he was going to be 90min late. At that point in time not many people had a phone connected to their e-mail to get that little update as most we already enroute or waiting in class.

[Magpie]

UPDATE:

I was reviewing my midterm (I did poorly, but much better than the class average), and he did make the comment that he knew I was under a lot of stress at the time, and that would be taken into consideration. I have heard that this prof tends to give much higher marks than people expect. He has a lot of the coursework students in his class, so I can see why he would feel a need to make people think that they need to work harder in his class, but the "I don't care" at first is really taking it too far.