Rules of thumb when out in public

[chrislb]

I can honestly say that I don't have a clue. I just did a google search for "sarcasm" and it popped right up. If the shoe fits...

An in relation to zzap's Booger Babies - here's another one of mine:

You're free to spit, hark, snort and gag around your friends and by yourself, even for sport. But in the middle of a busy plaza isn't exactly the best of times to be engaging in any of those. Especially if it's summer and you're just blowing those delightful globs all over the place while most people are wearing sandals or, god forbid, are walking around bare-foot. Stepping in your saliva and it's byproducts is not my idea of a fun-filled afternoon out; buy a spit-cup if your mouth is watering too much for you to be able to swallow it back down.

And one more...

If there's a "No Smoking" sign in the area, it means that, get this, smoking is not allowed in the immediate vicinity of that sign. Apparently you can read, so quit playing all high and mighty if I tell you to put out your cigarette - I don't work there, so you can't get me fired. I smoke too, but not where I'm not allowed to, and certainly not around mothers with young children like the one you just gave a faceful of nicotine.

I don't smoke around no smoking signs.
If I am sitting by myself out in public and there is no one within 20-30 feet of me when I light up a cig, I will not tolerate anybody telling me that I shouldn't smoke there. If you don't like my smoke, then stay the hell away from me. I try to avoid smoking around kids because I know it isn't good for them. But if they won't keep their kids away, it isn't my fault that they might inhale some smoke.

[Lace Neil Singer]

I don't smoke around no smoking signs.
If I am sitting by myself out in public and there is no one within 20-30 feet of me when I light up a cig, I will not tolerate anybody telling me that I shouldn't smoke there. If you don't like my smoke, then stay the hell away from me. I try to avoid smoking around kids because I know it isn't good for them. But if they won't keep their kids away, it isn't my fault that they might inhale some smoke.

I concur. If I'm sitting all by my lonesome with a ciggie in hand and you come and plonk yourself down next to me, you can bloody well put up with my smoke. Cuz no-one forced you to sit next to me, and I'm considerate. I've only ever given someone a faceful of smoke when they walked deliberately over to me just as I was exhaling. They did it on purpose so they could have a go at me. I just told her to get stuffed cuz I didn't do it on purpose but if she wanted to walk into my smoke, that was her problem.

[myswtghst]

Jumping on Rental Racer's comment above.

If I was polite (i.e. I got close enough for a brief second to let you know I was annoyed, but did not tailgate/flash my brights/honk my horn/etc) while you were going ten under the speed limit for no apparent reason on a one lane, no passing road at night when I've been at work for ten hours and just want to be in my bed, do not be awful to me when I go around you as soon as I possibly can.

Do not tailgate me unless I am going under the speed limit for no apparent (i.e. cop/weather) reason. If you do, I will only slow down, first to the exact speed limit, then to something lower, as you are making me angry.

Do not rev the engine on your ricer and think you'll impress me. I'll just beat you off the line by a mile in my pretty little German car.

On Sofar's train of though- Get dressed if you're going out in public. This does not mean put on a pair of Ugg boots with your pajamas and put your rat's nest of hair up in a "ponytail." Put on a bra, and pants. Jeans, even, or clean sweats/track pants. If they're bright pink and flannel with little puppies on them, I know that they're pajama pants. I only ever go out dressed like that to run to the gas station one block away to get cigs/caffeine late at night/when I'm sick. Not to go shopping, not to eat at the Cheesecake Factory.

Be aware that wearing spike heels, fishnets and a leather skirt in the middle of winter will make you look like A) an idiot, and probably B) a hooker.

Also, I'm with all the potty-related comments above. Seriously. If you wouldn't leave it like that at your mother's house (not even your house, because some people are pigs) then don't do it in public. Do not ever tell me that there is someone paid to do that, either. It's not that hard to wipe down a seat if you miss. It's better if you touch your pee (then go wash your hands, for the love of all things holy) than if I'm forced too.

Do not put your feet up on the back of my seat in the movie theatre. You can see that I'm there, I'm not short. It's rude. If you need to put your feet up, go sit somewhere not behind me.

And as a former smoker....do not put your butt out on the ground and leave it there. You can put it in a trash can once it's out. You can put it in your pocket and pitch it later. You can find something to do with it so that you're not littering. Particularly, do not do this at bars, where there are ashtrays on every table. It's icky, and I hate when they get stuck to my shoes.

Do not stand in front of a No Smoking sign and smoke, thinking you're being ironic, or funny, or a rebel. You're not. You're an idiot, and a jackass to boot.

And I'm sure I'll think of more....

[repsac]

Some of my own rules from working in clothing retail. (I wish I was making these up.)

1.) If you wish to buy a suit, I have no problem fitting it for you. However, ladies, don't expect me to get it to fit right since I don't know how to make it flattering. I can only fit it to a man's length. So deal.

2.) That is a vest, not a shirt. meaning you are supposed to wear underwear, preferably a Bra, but a shirt will do, under it. If you are large enough that the buttons break, do not expect me to deal with the situation. Also, you will be held responsible for any damages done by flying buttons, or men falling over displays due to your personal display.

3.)Ladies, ifthere is a ladder in the dressing room, do not enter the dressing room.

4.) If there is someone ON the ladder, do not enter the dressing room.

5.) Do not ask the guy on the ladder if he can hold some things for you while you change.

6.) Note: if you are very pretty and single, please disregard rules 3-5.

7.) That is a testor, please do not try to bathe in it. In fact, please bathe before coming to the store.

8.) If every question you have starts with. "This may sound stupid," then don't ask the question. It will be stupid, and likely make you feel worse when you hear the answer.

9.) Styles change. Keep this in mind when looking for clothing. If you can remember fitting into a pair of pink hot pants in highschool, do not expect us to carry them. Further, do not expect our clerks to know what hot pants are. This also applies to lady shoppers.

10.) That had better be a roll of quarters in your pocket.

11.) If it's not a roll of quarters, please do not point that at me.

12.) We have dressing rooms for a reason. Don't just strip at the shelf or rack to try something on.

13.) Anything less than a quarter, is not considered a tip. If you must tip, please use the following formula. Tip=Time+aggravation x 100%. Price accordingly.

[Primer]

If you are waiting for someone to come out of a store, don't idle your car in the middle of the lane where traffic is trying to get around you. Find a spot, pull over to the curb, drive around in circles, I don't care. Just move out of the way!

But do NOT pull into a Handicap spot! I WILL call security/police and have you ticketed/towed! I know parking spots are scarce, but if the person on whom you are waiting is not yet in sight, keep circling. Do NOT block traffic or park illegally!

[Gurndigarn]

I've only one rule, and that's please dress nicely. Now, in my perfect world everyone wears a tie and a waistcoat and smiles and waves to me as I walk down the street

Can we go with my perfect world instead? One where "formally dressed" for males doesn't include strangling oneself? No problem with the waistcoat. I'll even throw in a panama hat.

http://www.brentblack.com/panamahats.html#classicfedora (My preferred)

But can we lose the noose tie? Please?

[Sofar]

But can we lose the noose tie? Please?

Never. I can't stand not having something around my neck, myself. I feel as though my jugulars are unduly exposed, and subject to attack. You could consider a cravat, or a jabot, or perhaps just a ribbon, but unfortunately in Sofar City neckwear is mandatory, (unless you are wearing a Nehru jacket or clerical waistcoat.)

[GayleShy]

Get dressed if you're going out in public. This does not mean put on a pair of Ugg boots with your pajamas and put your rat's nest of hair up in a "ponytail." Put on a bra, and pants. Jeans, even, or clean sweats/track pants. If they're bright pink and flannel with little puppies on them, I know that they're pajama pants.

I was guilty of this once. My friend had a flat and called me when I was already in bed. I put on a bra, but no way in hell was I going to change into nice clothes when I was just going to go pick her up, right? Wrong. My mother called my cell and asked that, since I was out anyway, could I pick some things up for my father. I told her fine, but only for them would I be seen in public wearing Homer Simpson pajama bottoms and my hair unbrushed.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

As long as we're talking about hocking up loogies...

Please do not emit a big lunger out the driver's side window of your car. This is something my grandfather used to, and even though I cannot recall him nailing any passing cars while doing this, it would gross me out significantly to have a big ball of somebody else's saliva suddenly hit my windshield.

You also probably aren't coordinated enough to spit into the air and catch it in your mouth again, like Judd Nelson on The Breakfast Club. I got treated to this one night in a bar. The guy got his spit all over his face.

Also it is not a good idea to spit out the window of a school bus. I know this from the time I let one fly on a school trip, and the glob went right out the window--and in through the window behind me, hitting my friend in the face. Oopsie-doodle. But we still laugh about that.

Unrelated...if I say "excuse me" when I'm passing through, do not react as though I just shoved you to the ground. I am not being rude when I say excuse me. Shoving you to the ground, however, would be rude.

[Sofar]

Unrelated...if I say "excuse me" when I'm passing through, do not react as though I just shoved you to the ground. I am not being rude when I say excuse me. Shoving you to the ground, however, would be rude.

The problem here is that common phrases that are necessary in our society such as "excuse me," "you're welcome," and, "do you mind?" have been used in sarcasm so frequently that many people can't think of them being used in any other fashion.