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Egads, people were nuts yesterday. Apparently they were waiting for me to come back from vacation. Too bad for them it was the last day of the month and our calls weren't being monitored. I wasn't outright mean, but I got to push back a little for once 
SM = Sucky Man
SW = Sucky Woman
ME = Moi
Thanks for nothing
SM: Yeah, can the store at Whatever street take a payment?
ME: Most of our retail stores take payments. Some of the authorized dealers do, but not all. I could take a payment for you now if you'd like.
SM: But I only have cash. What about the store on Whatever street?
ME: Let me pull up our store locater and I'll find out for you.
SM: Well, I'm outside the store right now. Maybe I should just go in and ask.
ME: ...
It's okay, you don't have to reassure yourself by calling me first. The nice people in the store won't beat you with a stick for asking a question. I, however, may hunt you down and choke you.
Mr Popular
SM: I want to get a free phone or I'll cancel!
ME: What phone are you looking for?
SM: The thing is, I got this raggedy old phone. All my friends have better phones, so I gots to have the best, flashiest phone there is. That'll shut them up. I want that Dolce & Gabbana gold Motorola RAZR.
ME: Yeah, unfortunately that one's not free. But I can get it for you for $149.99 with a 2 year contract.
SM: $149? That's crazy! I should get it free on account of me being such a loyal customer and sh*t.
ME: Sir, have you ever seen anything free from D&G? For a $350 piece of equipment, $149.99 is a pretty good deal.
SM: But I want it free.
ME: Sometimes, you have to make certain sacrifices in order to impress your friends.
He wound up saying he'd think about it, which means he'll either cancel or settle for something a little less bling-bling. Plus, and maybe I'm wrong (I don't live in an elite enough part of the country that sells much of it), but the only D&G fashions I've ever seen are for women. Doesn't he think his friends may laugh at him?
Cry Me a River
Sidenote to this one, phones only work with our SIM cards unless you get a code that "unlocks" them. You are only allowed to do this once every 90 days because people tend to by them, have them unlocked, then sell them for a higher price on ebay since they can be used on other providers' networks. Conversely, this is how people overpay for European handsets and use them in the US.
SW: I got this message that my unlock request was rejected!
ME: Yes, you previously had your device unlocked on 01/19, it's been less than 90 days.
SW: Yeah, well your phone that I had unlocked before failed, so I had to get another one. Now I need it unlocked because I'm in Canada.
ME: You know, you can roam on their network with our SIM in your phone.
SW: But that's expensiiiiiiive! I don't want to pay the roaming rates!
ME: Well, we may not be able to get the device unlocked until next month, when the 90 days has passed.
SW: But it's not my faaaaault! Your device faaaaailed!
ME (checks notes from when she got her phone replaced last week): Yeah, you know, I'm sorry to hear that. But that usually happens when you spill something on the phone. Oh, you know what? That is your fault!
After fighting it out with her, I sent a request to my supervisor to escalate the request to the unlock department. I could have done this right from the start, but she came on the line with fists a-flying and I though I'd better take her down a peg or two first.
Keep firing, @ssholes!
Not really sucky, but amused me.
Non-SC: I need the security password for my phone.
ME *Looks up default code* (You've got to be kidding me): The password is... 1
Customer: 1
ME: 2
Customer: 2
ME: 3
Customer: 3
ME: 4
Customer:4
ME: 5
Customer: 5
ME: The password is 12345.
Dark Helmet: That's the stupidest password I've ever heard in my life! That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
Thank you, Mel Brooks, wherever you are.
WTF
ME: Could I have your name please?
SW: Yes.
ME: ...
SW: ...
ME: And your mobile number?
SW: Yes.
ME: ...
SW: I want to check my balance of minutes.
ME: Do you have a prepaid account?
SW: Yes.
ME (Eureka! Progress!): Well, I only have access to postpaid accounts, but I'd be happy to connect you to a prepaid specialist and they'll check your balance for you.
SW: No, no, no, no, NO! *click*
I have no idea what just happened.
Oy Vey
SM: Yeah, I want to cancel because I keep dropping calls. It's been going on for a month now.
ME: Sorry to hear that. I don't see any known issues in your area, but I'd be happy to take a look at the service for you to find out what's going on.
SM: You calling me a liar?
ME: No.
SM: But you're telling me there's nothing wrong.
ME: I'm not doubting that you're having problems with your service. But I'm saying that there is not an identified issue with service in the area. Now, if there is a problem, we'll find it and fix it.
SM: This is ridiculous! Don't you know how to treat a customer?
ME: Okay, if you'd rather I not try to resolve your service issue, what can I do for you?
SM: I want to cancel and you should waive the termination fee.
ME: You've been in service for 4 years, you've had a problem for a month, so you want to cancel?
SM: That's right.
ME: And if your new company has a problem, will you just cancel them too? Cause you know, outages do happen. Rather than going through all that hassle, we can try to fix your problem and get you back to the service you had before.
SM: Let me talk to your supervisor.
ME: I can send a field engineer out to your area within 2 days and they'll find and resolve the problem ASAP.
SM: Give me your supervisor now!
I listened in for a few seconds when my sup took the call, and the guy immediately told him "The last rep was completely unreasonable! She has no idea what customer service even is!"
And you know what my supervisor did? He filed a service request to send the engineers out to his area. Coming from a supervisor who was also a fully equipped male, the customer had no problem with this.
Thanks For Playing
CSR: I'm transferring this customer to you because she wants to cancel.
ME: Ok, could I have the customers name?
CSR: I, uh, don't know. She was screaming and I couldn't understand. And just to warn you, she's throwing around "special" words.
ME: Yay for me. Go ahead and bring her on through.
I spoke to the woman, who was completely calm and rational the entire call. I guess she used up all her hate on the other girl.
You Caught Me Red-Handed
SW (cranky Kenyan woman): I canceled my original number this morning. Now I want to bring it back to replace my new number.
ME: Yeah, I see you activated a new line yesterday. Was there any reason you did this?
SW: Because I lost the phone, so I had to get another one.
ME: You know, we can just upgrade so you don't have to lose the number you've had for the last 3 years and don't have an activation fee.
SW: You know, I don't even care about the number. If I don't get it back, I just call everyone and say I have a new number. Life goes on, no big deal.
ME: Ok... then we can just leave it the way it is.
SW: But I want the number back!
ME: Then we can reactivate it, upgrade on the line, and cancel the new one.
SW: Fine! Go ahead! I just keep the new number, I don't care. I call everyone and say I have new number! 2 years is not that long of time! I won't cry about it! But then I cancel when the contract is over!
ME: I thought you didn't care about the number?
SW: Right! Life goes on, you know!
ME: Well, then you can keep the new one.
SW: They told me I can get the number back.
ME: Well, we can reactivate the line within a certain number of days, but we can't guarantee we can get it back for another line.
SW: Then why did they tell me that?
ME: Because they wanted to sell you a new line and make their commission. It would be a lot easier to just reactivate the line and get rid of the new one.
SW: You are wicked person!
ME: How am I being wicked?
SW: You...are...EVIL!
ME (and don't you forget it): I'm just trying to do what's best for you.
I ended up filing a request to try and get her number back. Again, I could have done this all along, but I don't like to because it encourages people to activate new lines and cancel the old ones since there's no fear of losing their number. Sure, they're storture rack our customers in the end, but this hurts my stats since I have to cancel the line, and it rewards the dirty dealer who activated their new line.
...
ME: And how are you doing today?
SM: ...I don't know yet.
It's 7pm. You'd better hurry up and figure that one out. It'll be tomorrow in a few hours, and you'll be a day behind. That'll really mess you up.
Pay the (Wo)Man
SW; I got a letter thanking me for my payment, but I don't recognize the routing number.
ME: Well, the payment was for $306, was that the balance you needed to pay?
SW: Yes, but I don't recognize the routing number.
ME: Did someone else make the payment?
SW: My sister handles all my finances. She always pays my bill.
ME: Is it, possibly, her checking account?
SW: I... don't know. Maybe I should talk to her.
Yes, perhaps you should.
Sounds Messy
SW: I need to get a new phone.
ME: Were you having problems with your old phone?
SW: Yeah, it's my husband's phone. It took a dump on him.
I didn't know any devices had this feature. I sure as heck don't even know where to begin troubleshooting. I guess you could get him a carrying case and it would serve a dual purpose as a diaper. Good thing she wanted to upgrade instead of a warranty exchange and I didn't have to ask her to clarify. i really don't want to know.
SM = Sucky Man
SW = Sucky Woman
ME = Moi
Thanks for nothing
SM: Yeah, can the store at Whatever street take a payment?
ME: Most of our retail stores take payments. Some of the authorized dealers do, but not all. I could take a payment for you now if you'd like.
SM: But I only have cash. What about the store on Whatever street?
ME: Let me pull up our store locater and I'll find out for you.
SM: Well, I'm outside the store right now. Maybe I should just go in and ask.
ME: ...
It's okay, you don't have to reassure yourself by calling me first. The nice people in the store won't beat you with a stick for asking a question. I, however, may hunt you down and choke you.
Mr Popular
SM: I want to get a free phone or I'll cancel!
ME: What phone are you looking for?
SM: The thing is, I got this raggedy old phone. All my friends have better phones, so I gots to have the best, flashiest phone there is. That'll shut them up. I want that Dolce & Gabbana gold Motorola RAZR.
ME: Yeah, unfortunately that one's not free. But I can get it for you for $149.99 with a 2 year contract.
SM: $149? That's crazy! I should get it free on account of me being such a loyal customer and sh*t.
ME: Sir, have you ever seen anything free from D&G? For a $350 piece of equipment, $149.99 is a pretty good deal.
SM: But I want it free.
ME: Sometimes, you have to make certain sacrifices in order to impress your friends.
He wound up saying he'd think about it, which means he'll either cancel or settle for something a little less bling-bling. Plus, and maybe I'm wrong (I don't live in an elite enough part of the country that sells much of it), but the only D&G fashions I've ever seen are for women. Doesn't he think his friends may laugh at him?
Cry Me a River
Sidenote to this one, phones only work with our SIM cards unless you get a code that "unlocks" them. You are only allowed to do this once every 90 days because people tend to by them, have them unlocked, then sell them for a higher price on ebay since they can be used on other providers' networks. Conversely, this is how people overpay for European handsets and use them in the US.
SW: I got this message that my unlock request was rejected!
ME: Yes, you previously had your device unlocked on 01/19, it's been less than 90 days.
SW: Yeah, well your phone that I had unlocked before failed, so I had to get another one. Now I need it unlocked because I'm in Canada.
ME: You know, you can roam on their network with our SIM in your phone.
SW: But that's expensiiiiiiive! I don't want to pay the roaming rates!
ME: Well, we may not be able to get the device unlocked until next month, when the 90 days has passed.
SW: But it's not my faaaaault! Your device faaaaailed!
ME (checks notes from when she got her phone replaced last week): Yeah, you know, I'm sorry to hear that. But that usually happens when you spill something on the phone. Oh, you know what? That is your fault!
After fighting it out with her, I sent a request to my supervisor to escalate the request to the unlock department. I could have done this right from the start, but she came on the line with fists a-flying and I though I'd better take her down a peg or two first.
Keep firing, @ssholes!
Not really sucky, but amused me.
Non-SC: I need the security password for my phone.
ME *Looks up default code* (You've got to be kidding me): The password is... 1
Customer: 1
ME: 2
Customer: 2
ME: 3
Customer: 3
ME: 4
Customer:4
ME: 5
Customer: 5
ME: The password is 12345.
Dark Helmet: That's the stupidest password I've ever heard in my life! That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
Thank you, Mel Brooks, wherever you are.
WTF
ME: Could I have your name please?
SW: Yes.
ME: ...
SW: ...
ME: And your mobile number?
SW: Yes.
ME: ...
SW: I want to check my balance of minutes.
ME: Do you have a prepaid account?
SW: Yes.
ME (Eureka! Progress!): Well, I only have access to postpaid accounts, but I'd be happy to connect you to a prepaid specialist and they'll check your balance for you.
SW: No, no, no, no, NO! *click*
I have no idea what just happened.
Oy Vey
SM: Yeah, I want to cancel because I keep dropping calls. It's been going on for a month now.
ME: Sorry to hear that. I don't see any known issues in your area, but I'd be happy to take a look at the service for you to find out what's going on.
SM: You calling me a liar?
ME: No.
SM: But you're telling me there's nothing wrong.
ME: I'm not doubting that you're having problems with your service. But I'm saying that there is not an identified issue with service in the area. Now, if there is a problem, we'll find it and fix it.
SM: This is ridiculous! Don't you know how to treat a customer?
ME: Okay, if you'd rather I not try to resolve your service issue, what can I do for you?
SM: I want to cancel and you should waive the termination fee.
ME: You've been in service for 4 years, you've had a problem for a month, so you want to cancel?
SM: That's right.
ME: And if your new company has a problem, will you just cancel them too? Cause you know, outages do happen. Rather than going through all that hassle, we can try to fix your problem and get you back to the service you had before.
SM: Let me talk to your supervisor.
ME: I can send a field engineer out to your area within 2 days and they'll find and resolve the problem ASAP.
SM: Give me your supervisor now!
I listened in for a few seconds when my sup took the call, and the guy immediately told him "The last rep was completely unreasonable! She has no idea what customer service even is!"
And you know what my supervisor did? He filed a service request to send the engineers out to his area. Coming from a supervisor who was also a fully equipped male, the customer had no problem with this.
Thanks For Playing
CSR: I'm transferring this customer to you because she wants to cancel.
ME: Ok, could I have the customers name?
CSR: I, uh, don't know. She was screaming and I couldn't understand. And just to warn you, she's throwing around "special" words.
ME: Yay for me. Go ahead and bring her on through.
I spoke to the woman, who was completely calm and rational the entire call. I guess she used up all her hate on the other girl.
You Caught Me Red-Handed
SW (cranky Kenyan woman): I canceled my original number this morning. Now I want to bring it back to replace my new number.
ME: Yeah, I see you activated a new line yesterday. Was there any reason you did this?
SW: Because I lost the phone, so I had to get another one.
ME: You know, we can just upgrade so you don't have to lose the number you've had for the last 3 years and don't have an activation fee.
SW: You know, I don't even care about the number. If I don't get it back, I just call everyone and say I have a new number. Life goes on, no big deal.
ME: Ok... then we can just leave it the way it is.
SW: But I want the number back!
ME: Then we can reactivate it, upgrade on the line, and cancel the new one.
SW: Fine! Go ahead! I just keep the new number, I don't care. I call everyone and say I have new number! 2 years is not that long of time! I won't cry about it! But then I cancel when the contract is over!
ME: I thought you didn't care about the number?
SW: Right! Life goes on, you know!
ME: Well, then you can keep the new one.
SW: They told me I can get the number back.
ME: Well, we can reactivate the line within a certain number of days, but we can't guarantee we can get it back for another line.
SW: Then why did they tell me that?
ME: Because they wanted to sell you a new line and make their commission. It would be a lot easier to just reactivate the line and get rid of the new one.
SW: You are wicked person!
ME: How am I being wicked?
SW: You...are...EVIL!
ME (and don't you forget it): I'm just trying to do what's best for you.
I ended up filing a request to try and get her number back. Again, I could have done this all along, but I don't like to because it encourages people to activate new lines and cancel the old ones since there's no fear of losing their number. Sure, they're storture rack our customers in the end, but this hurts my stats since I have to cancel the line, and it rewards the dirty dealer who activated their new line.
...
ME: And how are you doing today?
SM: ...I don't know yet.
It's 7pm. You'd better hurry up and figure that one out. It'll be tomorrow in a few hours, and you'll be a day behind. That'll really mess you up.
Pay the (Wo)Man
SW; I got a letter thanking me for my payment, but I don't recognize the routing number.
ME: Well, the payment was for $306, was that the balance you needed to pay?
SW: Yes, but I don't recognize the routing number.
ME: Did someone else make the payment?
SW: My sister handles all my finances. She always pays my bill.
ME: Is it, possibly, her checking account?
SW: I... don't know. Maybe I should talk to her.
Yes, perhaps you should.
Sounds Messy
SW: I need to get a new phone.
ME: Were you having problems with your old phone?
SW: Yeah, it's my husband's phone. It took a dump on him.
I didn't know any devices had this feature. I sure as heck don't even know where to begin troubleshooting. I guess you could get him a carrying case and it would serve a dual purpose as a diaper. Good thing she wanted to upgrade instead of a warranty exchange and I didn't have to ask her to clarify. i really don't want to know.
But yeah, D&G for free? Probably a very expensive license fee they have to pay for that one.
"You'd feel a Hell of a lot better if you'd just rip into the occasional customer." 
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