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Sometimes, karma is just a tad too sweet
Cast
----
Me = Me
SC = Sucky Customer
M = Manager
CW = Co-worker
These first parts are from memory and so therefore shortened.
5 Weeks Ago, As Remembered:
I have been taking calls for 2 weeks now, after a bloody-minded 6 weeks of intensive training. I'm still slow, but all right. SC calls in.
*standard call greeting, gather machine information, bring up contract; the machine is an enterprise-level office color printer*
Me: What seems to be the problem with the machine?
SC: It's kind of complex. We're printing duplex on 11'x17' paper, four pages to a side. It's then quartered and cut for printing.
Me: Ok, essentially creating paperback book size pages, correct?
SC: Yes.
Me: Got it. Go on.
SC: We're noticing that the duplexed side is off from the first side. The words are skewed. You can see it if you hold it up to the light.
Me: Ok. When you say skewed, how far is it skewed?
SC: I don't know. It's just skewed.
Me: Can you fax me a page?
SC: Sure!
*faxes a page over*
Me: *squints* So the words are skewed. Ok...I think I'm seeing a difference of maybe 1/2 a compass degree. That should be within the specs of the machine.
SC: Oh, that won't do for us. We need it to be perfectly aligned.
Me: Oh? Why?
SC: We're printing for publication and everything needs to align. We can't send this to customers with it skewed like that.
A light bulb dawns on me.
Me: Sir, are you doing desktop publishing on this machine?
SC: Of course!
Me: Ok. What type of desktop publishing are you doing?
SC: *tone of the disbelieving* What else? Print-on-demand!
Long Story Short: The explanation SC gave is that he is starting a print-on-demand business, similar to that of Lulu.com. He would print out books on demand, bind them, and then ship them out. He plans to not only operate these in Texas and the southern states, but also open up branches in South America. He is expecting to print around 5000 books a month on each printer.
Me: Sir, to be honest, this printer is not what you wish to use for that. While it is one of the best color printers on the market, you are going to be doing approximately over 100,000 prints on the machine per month. That's well beyond the life cycle of the toner cartridges, the fuser, and the photoconductor unit.
SC: I'll worry about that. Just get the skew problem fixed.
Me: I can certainly send a tech to check the rollers. However, there's a good chance nothing will be found, as the type of printing you're describing isn't within the specs of the machine.
SC: *snide* We'll see about that! I have another problem too.
Me: Ok, what is the problem?
SC: It won't do a full bleed on the paper.
For those who don't know, full bleed is edge-to-edge printing, no white space. Like you would see on a paperback book cover.
Me: What does it do?
SC: It leave what looks like a few millimeters of white space on either side of the paper.
Me: That would be the space it needs in order for the rollers to operate. This printer doesn't do a true full bleed; it has to have space for the rollers or the toner will smear.
Oh dear Gawd, the 'splody.
SC: THAT'S NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH! THIS GODDAMNED FUCKING PRINTER NEEDS TO DO FUCKING FULL BLEED OR I'LL FUCKING RETURN IT AND GO TO XEROX!!
Me: *frosty* It does not do a true full bleed. No printer [MyCompany] produces does a true full bleed. This is an office printer, not a desktop publishing printing unit.
SC: THEN I'LL GO TO XEROX AND USE THEIR [BLAH].
Me: *clickety-click* Specs on that machine show it does the same full bleed our machines do, sir. Any office printer requires roller space.
SC: *menacing* Then what the fuck would you suggest I use?
Me: If you need a true full bleed and are doing the print runs you describe, I would use a color digital micropress.
SC: That costs thousands more!
Me: Yes sir, but it would do the job.
SC: Just send the fucking tech. *click*
I notate the call and dispatch the tech. For the printing uninitiated, let me lay this:
[MyCompany] Uber-Color Printer:
- 40 color pages per minute, 40 B&W pages per minute
- holds up to 1100 sheets of paper
- 600 DPI
- cost of about $6000
Standard Color Digital Micropress
- 48 color ppm, 184 B&W ppm
- holds up to 15,000 sheets of paper
- 4-600 DPI
- cost of about $15-20,000 for a low end, $50k+ for a high end
Now, tell me, which would you invest in for your soon-to-be-expanded print-on-demand business?
================
4 Weeks Ago, As Remembered:
M: Hey, BIC, can you c'mere for a minute?
Me: Shit. Sure. *go in meeting, exit to office* What's up?
M: Close the door.
Me: Shit.Shit. *shuts door, sits down, waits*
M: Do you remember a customer by name of SC?
Me: Shit.Shit.Shit. Yes, that I do.
M: Ok. His sales rep just called in. She says that you told him to go to Xerox.
Me: WTF? Ah, hell no. No, I definitely did not. Here's what happened: blah.
M: That's no problem, I figured it was like that. Although, you know, try to promote [MyCompany] as much as you can. We don't have anything that would work for him, but *eye roll* you know, we can't exactly say that.
Me: Yessir. Gotcha, boss.
M: All right, that's cool. Don't worry about, I got it taken care of. I already went over the recorded call, so we don't need to do that.
==============
Today:
CW: Hey, man. Need you to go into meet for a moment.
Me: Sure. *meeting* What's up?
CW: They got me working on this guy, he's a real nutcase. I saw you did one of his calls a while ago. His name is SC.
Me: SC?
CW: Case number blah.
Me: Oh, HIM! Yeah, I remember him. He's the one doing the print-on-demand thing.
CW: Yeah, man, that's the guy. Can you brief me? I've got to do a write-up.
Me: *gives gist of call*
CW: He's shit out of luck.
Me: Why's that?
CW: He's pissed off two of the three service techs in that area screaming at them. They refuse to go to him. Now the third isn't going out 'cause he's over his service contract counter limit and he doesn't want to pay the 190/hr.
Me: Really? What's his print counter?
CW: Somewhere around 350,000.
Me: 0.0 Dude. Monthly cycle is supposed to be no more than 40,000/month on those machines.
CW: Yup. He's also gone through 2 photoconductor units and 3 fusers. He's saying he can't afford the toner anymore or the service calls and he can't get his books out fast enough to make more money.
Me: Mmmm. Did the techs tell him that the machine wasn't good for that business?
CW: Yup. Several times.
*shrugs all the way around, CW goes off to write report to corporate saying that the contract with the client needs to be terminated for abuse of the machine*
Moral of the story: Use the right machine for the job.
-BIC-
Cast
----
Me = Me
SC = Sucky Customer
M = Manager
CW = Co-worker
These first parts are from memory and so therefore shortened.
5 Weeks Ago, As Remembered:
I have been taking calls for 2 weeks now, after a bloody-minded 6 weeks of intensive training. I'm still slow, but all right. SC calls in.
*standard call greeting, gather machine information, bring up contract; the machine is an enterprise-level office color printer*
Me: What seems to be the problem with the machine?
SC: It's kind of complex. We're printing duplex on 11'x17' paper, four pages to a side. It's then quartered and cut for printing.
Me: Ok, essentially creating paperback book size pages, correct?
SC: Yes.
Me: Got it. Go on.
SC: We're noticing that the duplexed side is off from the first side. The words are skewed. You can see it if you hold it up to the light.
Me: Ok. When you say skewed, how far is it skewed?
SC: I don't know. It's just skewed.
Me: Can you fax me a page?
SC: Sure!
*faxes a page over*
Me: *squints* So the words are skewed. Ok...I think I'm seeing a difference of maybe 1/2 a compass degree. That should be within the specs of the machine.
SC: Oh, that won't do for us. We need it to be perfectly aligned.
Me: Oh? Why?
SC: We're printing for publication and everything needs to align. We can't send this to customers with it skewed like that.
A light bulb dawns on me.
Me: Sir, are you doing desktop publishing on this machine?
SC: Of course!
Me: Ok. What type of desktop publishing are you doing?
SC: *tone of the disbelieving* What else? Print-on-demand!
Long Story Short: The explanation SC gave is that he is starting a print-on-demand business, similar to that of Lulu.com. He would print out books on demand, bind them, and then ship them out. He plans to not only operate these in Texas and the southern states, but also open up branches in South America. He is expecting to print around 5000 books a month on each printer.
Me: Sir, to be honest, this printer is not what you wish to use for that. While it is one of the best color printers on the market, you are going to be doing approximately over 100,000 prints on the machine per month. That's well beyond the life cycle of the toner cartridges, the fuser, and the photoconductor unit.
SC: I'll worry about that. Just get the skew problem fixed.
Me: I can certainly send a tech to check the rollers. However, there's a good chance nothing will be found, as the type of printing you're describing isn't within the specs of the machine.
SC: *snide* We'll see about that! I have another problem too.
Me: Ok, what is the problem?
SC: It won't do a full bleed on the paper.
For those who don't know, full bleed is edge-to-edge printing, no white space. Like you would see on a paperback book cover.
Me: What does it do?
SC: It leave what looks like a few millimeters of white space on either side of the paper.
Me: That would be the space it needs in order for the rollers to operate. This printer doesn't do a true full bleed; it has to have space for the rollers or the toner will smear.
Oh dear Gawd, the 'splody.
SC: THAT'S NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH! THIS GODDAMNED FUCKING PRINTER NEEDS TO DO FUCKING FULL BLEED OR I'LL FUCKING RETURN IT AND GO TO XEROX!!
Me: *frosty* It does not do a true full bleed. No printer [MyCompany] produces does a true full bleed. This is an office printer, not a desktop publishing printing unit.
SC: THEN I'LL GO TO XEROX AND USE THEIR [BLAH].
Me: *clickety-click* Specs on that machine show it does the same full bleed our machines do, sir. Any office printer requires roller space.
SC: *menacing* Then what the fuck would you suggest I use?
Me: If you need a true full bleed and are doing the print runs you describe, I would use a color digital micropress.
SC: That costs thousands more!
Me: Yes sir, but it would do the job.
SC: Just send the fucking tech. *click*
I notate the call and dispatch the tech. For the printing uninitiated, let me lay this:
[MyCompany] Uber-Color Printer:
- 40 color pages per minute, 40 B&W pages per minute
- holds up to 1100 sheets of paper
- 600 DPI
- cost of about $6000
Standard Color Digital Micropress
- 48 color ppm, 184 B&W ppm
- holds up to 15,000 sheets of paper
- 4-600 DPI
- cost of about $15-20,000 for a low end, $50k+ for a high end
Now, tell me, which would you invest in for your soon-to-be-expanded print-on-demand business?
================
4 Weeks Ago, As Remembered:
M: Hey, BIC, can you c'mere for a minute?
Me: Shit. Sure. *go in meeting, exit to office* What's up?
M: Close the door.
Me: Shit.Shit. *shuts door, sits down, waits*
M: Do you remember a customer by name of SC?
Me: Shit.Shit.Shit. Yes, that I do.
M: Ok. His sales rep just called in. She says that you told him to go to Xerox.
Me: WTF? Ah, hell no. No, I definitely did not. Here's what happened: blah.
M: That's no problem, I figured it was like that. Although, you know, try to promote [MyCompany] as much as you can. We don't have anything that would work for him, but *eye roll* you know, we can't exactly say that.
Me: Yessir. Gotcha, boss.
M: All right, that's cool. Don't worry about, I got it taken care of. I already went over the recorded call, so we don't need to do that.
==============
Today:
CW: Hey, man. Need you to go into meet for a moment.
Me: Sure. *meeting* What's up?
CW: They got me working on this guy, he's a real nutcase. I saw you did one of his calls a while ago. His name is SC.
Me: SC?
CW: Case number blah.
Me: Oh, HIM! Yeah, I remember him. He's the one doing the print-on-demand thing.
CW: Yeah, man, that's the guy. Can you brief me? I've got to do a write-up.
Me: *gives gist of call*
CW: He's shit out of luck.
Me: Why's that?
CW: He's pissed off two of the three service techs in that area screaming at them. They refuse to go to him. Now the third isn't going out 'cause he's over his service contract counter limit and he doesn't want to pay the 190/hr.
Me: Really? What's his print counter?
CW: Somewhere around 350,000.
Me: 0.0 Dude. Monthly cycle is supposed to be no more than 40,000/month on those machines.
CW: Yup. He's also gone through 2 photoconductor units and 3 fusers. He's saying he can't afford the toner anymore or the service calls and he can't get his books out fast enough to make more money.
Me: Mmmm. Did the techs tell him that the machine wasn't good for that business?
CW: Yup. Several times.
*shrugs all the way around, CW goes off to write report to corporate saying that the contract with the client needs to be terminated for abuse of the machine*
Moral of the story: Use the right machine for the job.
-BIC-
I'd have hung up when he started cursing.
Strange how those parts can get delayed in delivery...
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