Tweet
Back in the early 1990s, I had a second job delivering pizza (which, ironically, paid better than my main job… go figure!). Anyway, the area of town I worked in was somewhat ‘disadvantaged’ and notorious for scams, schemes, and what not, and full of ‘colorful’ characters. Here's a small sampling:
FOOD STAMPS
Yes, I KNOW that pizza is ‘food’, but I can not – WILL NOT - accept food stamps for it. Because it’s ILLEGAL, that’s why. You CAN NOT use food stamps to pay for prepared food – with a double no-no on delivery.
And you already know this, because we’ve danced to this tune before. TWICE before, in fact. And both times, I gave you the exact same answer I’m giving you now – NO.
It’s not a question of whether ‘you care’ about the rules or not. It’s very obvious you don’t care – but here’s the thing, see – I’m not going to allow your apathy and general fucktardedness to cost me my job, land me in jail, and/or saddle me with hefty fines.
No, offering me $30 worth of grub stubs for this $18 pizza is NOT going to change my mind. It’s still illegal.
A check? Uh, NO. Because someone so willing and determined to commit welfare fraud probably won’t think twice about check fraud. For the record, I was born in 1964, so your theory that I was born yesterday is DEAD WRONG.
Yeah, yeah, ‘discrimination.’ Riiiiiiiiiight. Try that shit on someone else, buddy.
You don’t want the pizza? Cool. Free dinner for me.
(Remember, this took place in the early 1990s, when most food stamp programs still used the physical vouchers and not the EBT cards in use today).
YOU ORDERED PIZZA. IT’S HERE. OPEN THE DAMNED DOOR!
As a delivery driver, few things irritated me more than somebody who placed an order for pizza, and then wouldn’t open the door when I tried to deliver it. There were a variety of reasons. Stereo too loud. Turned off hearing add. Working in a room of the house where they couldn’t hear the bell. SEX.
But the oddest of them was a woman who, after ordering a pizza, decided she couldn’t live another ten minutes without cigarettes, and went to the store just before her pizza was due. Yup, I attempted to deliver the pizza, didn’t get an answer at the door, couldn’t get an answer on the phone, concluded it was a prank, and went back to the shop. A short time later, she called raising hell that her pizza wasn’t there yet – nearly an hour after she ordered (and was quote 30 minutes). I spoke to her personally, told her that I’d knocked, rang the bell, and even called without getting an answer. She then claimed she’d gone to the store for cigarettes, but was angry that I didn’t wait for her to return. The thing that pissed me off the most was when she was told that there would be no discount for the late delivery, she asked “Well, how is this MY fault?!”
Bonus feature: You want to know the ass-kicker to this story? Here it is: The store she went to was RIGHT NEXT DOOR to the restaurant. It was the ONLY convenience store open in the area at that hour of the night.
CHECKS
To accept a check I need ID. This is ESPECIALLY true when the check in question
1. is filled out in two different colors of ink. In two different handwriting styles
2. has an address on it that does not match the delivery address.
3. has an address on it that is in a different city. IN A DIFFERENT STATE.
4. is starter check.
5. ALL OF THE ABOVE.
Yes, indeed, I had one customer try to lay a check on me that flew ALL the red flags. It was made even more questionable by the fact that the residence looked like a bunch of squatters moved into an abandoned house.
AMBUSH
You thought you were clever, didn’t you? Ambush the pizza driver and score some free food, some quick cash, and maybe even a car! But you failed to account for one detail, chief. There are two damned good reasons I carry a six-‘D’ cell Maglite after dark in this area of town, one of which to provide illumination. But you’ve already divined the other reason, haven’t you? Okay, well, maybe not just YET, but when you wake up with a broken jaw I figure it’ll be one of the first things that occurs to you. And in case your memory isn’t too good, don’t worry – you’ll have daily reminders for at least a few weeks.
‘Nuff said.
GEE, THIS ISN’T SUSPICIOUS AT ALL
I took a call a little after midnight – allegedly, someone at the local auto-parts store wanting a fairly substantial order (3 pizzas plus sodas) delivered..
Caller requested the driver bring change for a $100 bill.
Uh-huh.
I was familiar with that store; it closed at 10pm on weekdays and Saturdays, and 7pm on Sundays.
Calls to the store to verify the order went unanswered. (Hey, there was an outside chance it could have been an inventory crew or something like that, right?). I even sent a driver to drive past the store and see if there were any lights. Nope, but two cars in the parking lot. Setup? Sure smelled like one..
Nice try, dirtbag. A new note for the driver bulletin board.
PERSONALITY DISORDERS
No stories here, just a short list of some of our more ‘colorful’ customers.
TWITCH – who was always nervous and sweaty and acted like he had someone tied to a chair in the next room. He’d damned near push you out of the room once the transaction was done. The consensus was that he was probably selling something illicit out of that apartment.
PHIL – a middle-aged, fat, balding fellow who insisted on answering the door in his crusty-as-hell, yellowed old Fruit Of The Looms. And CRIPES, he stunk. The female drivers all refused to deliver to him.
OTIS - (named for the character on the old Andy Griffith Show) I never ONCE saw him sober.
RED – Nobody ever claimed to have seen this guy, but that was the name on all the orders.. If you were the driver with his order, you’d find a politely-worded note on the door. The instructions were: there was money in the drawer of a small table on the porch, right next to the door. You would take the money, leave the food on that table, knock on the door, and then immediately leave. The money was always there, plus a nice (though not extravagant) tip. But there was never an explanation given. It sounded really Spy Versus Spy but I’m sure there’s a far more mediocre explanation.
And finally, this story of non-suck:
COKE FIEND
This one takes a little explanation – and no, I’m not referring to the white narcotic powder. Now, let me say up front this guy was as rational and ‘normal’ as they come. He just always had a peculiar order.
His orders were always an inexpensive pizza, usually around $8-10, along with EIGHT 2-liter bottles of Coca Cola. I’d hauled several orders like this, until one day remarked that he must really like Coke.. The answer I got was A+ fucking BRILLIANT.
CF didn’t have, or WANT, a car. He took the bus to work and to the store – BUT, it’s awfully difficult to haul multiple 2-liter bottles, especially when you have a mild handicap and have to walk about a half-mile from the bus stop to the house. But, he did like his soda, so every time he ran low on cola, he’d order up another pizza and eight more 2-liter bottles.
Why eight? Because that’s how 2-Liter bottles are shipped – in racks of eight. We’d take him a full rack, he’d hand us an empty from last time, and everyone was happy. I like a guy who thinks outside the box, even though it was obviously more expensive. Those bottles from our restaurant were $2 apiece BACK THEN! That’s $3.00+ each today. It didn’t seem to bother him, though, especially since I made certain I always had a $3.00 off coupon with me to give him for his next order.
FOOD STAMPS
Yes, I KNOW that pizza is ‘food’, but I can not – WILL NOT - accept food stamps for it. Because it’s ILLEGAL, that’s why. You CAN NOT use food stamps to pay for prepared food – with a double no-no on delivery.
And you already know this, because we’ve danced to this tune before. TWICE before, in fact. And both times, I gave you the exact same answer I’m giving you now – NO.
It’s not a question of whether ‘you care’ about the rules or not. It’s very obvious you don’t care – but here’s the thing, see – I’m not going to allow your apathy and general fucktardedness to cost me my job, land me in jail, and/or saddle me with hefty fines.
No, offering me $30 worth of grub stubs for this $18 pizza is NOT going to change my mind. It’s still illegal.
A check? Uh, NO. Because someone so willing and determined to commit welfare fraud probably won’t think twice about check fraud. For the record, I was born in 1964, so your theory that I was born yesterday is DEAD WRONG.
Yeah, yeah, ‘discrimination.’ Riiiiiiiiiight. Try that shit on someone else, buddy.
You don’t want the pizza? Cool. Free dinner for me.
(Remember, this took place in the early 1990s, when most food stamp programs still used the physical vouchers and not the EBT cards in use today).
YOU ORDERED PIZZA. IT’S HERE. OPEN THE DAMNED DOOR!
As a delivery driver, few things irritated me more than somebody who placed an order for pizza, and then wouldn’t open the door when I tried to deliver it. There were a variety of reasons. Stereo too loud. Turned off hearing add. Working in a room of the house where they couldn’t hear the bell. SEX.
But the oddest of them was a woman who, after ordering a pizza, decided she couldn’t live another ten minutes without cigarettes, and went to the store just before her pizza was due. Yup, I attempted to deliver the pizza, didn’t get an answer at the door, couldn’t get an answer on the phone, concluded it was a prank, and went back to the shop. A short time later, she called raising hell that her pizza wasn’t there yet – nearly an hour after she ordered (and was quote 30 minutes). I spoke to her personally, told her that I’d knocked, rang the bell, and even called without getting an answer. She then claimed she’d gone to the store for cigarettes, but was angry that I didn’t wait for her to return. The thing that pissed me off the most was when she was told that there would be no discount for the late delivery, she asked “Well, how is this MY fault?!”
Bonus feature: You want to know the ass-kicker to this story? Here it is: The store she went to was RIGHT NEXT DOOR to the restaurant. It was the ONLY convenience store open in the area at that hour of the night.
CHECKS
To accept a check I need ID. This is ESPECIALLY true when the check in question
1. is filled out in two different colors of ink. In two different handwriting styles
2. has an address on it that does not match the delivery address.
3. has an address on it that is in a different city. IN A DIFFERENT STATE.
4. is starter check.
5. ALL OF THE ABOVE.
Yes, indeed, I had one customer try to lay a check on me that flew ALL the red flags. It was made even more questionable by the fact that the residence looked like a bunch of squatters moved into an abandoned house.
AMBUSH
You thought you were clever, didn’t you? Ambush the pizza driver and score some free food, some quick cash, and maybe even a car! But you failed to account for one detail, chief. There are two damned good reasons I carry a six-‘D’ cell Maglite after dark in this area of town, one of which to provide illumination. But you’ve already divined the other reason, haven’t you? Okay, well, maybe not just YET, but when you wake up with a broken jaw I figure it’ll be one of the first things that occurs to you. And in case your memory isn’t too good, don’t worry – you’ll have daily reminders for at least a few weeks.
‘Nuff said.
GEE, THIS ISN’T SUSPICIOUS AT ALL
I took a call a little after midnight – allegedly, someone at the local auto-parts store wanting a fairly substantial order (3 pizzas plus sodas) delivered..
Caller requested the driver bring change for a $100 bill.
Uh-huh.
I was familiar with that store; it closed at 10pm on weekdays and Saturdays, and 7pm on Sundays.
Calls to the store to verify the order went unanswered. (Hey, there was an outside chance it could have been an inventory crew or something like that, right?). I even sent a driver to drive past the store and see if there were any lights. Nope, but two cars in the parking lot. Setup? Sure smelled like one..
Nice try, dirtbag. A new note for the driver bulletin board.
PERSONALITY DISORDERS
No stories here, just a short list of some of our more ‘colorful’ customers.
TWITCH – who was always nervous and sweaty and acted like he had someone tied to a chair in the next room. He’d damned near push you out of the room once the transaction was done. The consensus was that he was probably selling something illicit out of that apartment.
PHIL – a middle-aged, fat, balding fellow who insisted on answering the door in his crusty-as-hell, yellowed old Fruit Of The Looms. And CRIPES, he stunk. The female drivers all refused to deliver to him.
OTIS - (named for the character on the old Andy Griffith Show) I never ONCE saw him sober.
RED – Nobody ever claimed to have seen this guy, but that was the name on all the orders.. If you were the driver with his order, you’d find a politely-worded note on the door. The instructions were: there was money in the drawer of a small table on the porch, right next to the door. You would take the money, leave the food on that table, knock on the door, and then immediately leave. The money was always there, plus a nice (though not extravagant) tip. But there was never an explanation given. It sounded really Spy Versus Spy but I’m sure there’s a far more mediocre explanation.
And finally, this story of non-suck:
COKE FIEND
This one takes a little explanation – and no, I’m not referring to the white narcotic powder. Now, let me say up front this guy was as rational and ‘normal’ as they come. He just always had a peculiar order.
His orders were always an inexpensive pizza, usually around $8-10, along with EIGHT 2-liter bottles of Coca Cola. I’d hauled several orders like this, until one day remarked that he must really like Coke.. The answer I got was A+ fucking BRILLIANT.
CF didn’t have, or WANT, a car. He took the bus to work and to the store – BUT, it’s awfully difficult to haul multiple 2-liter bottles, especially when you have a mild handicap and have to walk about a half-mile from the bus stop to the house. But, he did like his soda, so every time he ran low on cola, he’d order up another pizza and eight more 2-liter bottles.
Why eight? Because that’s how 2-Liter bottles are shipped – in racks of eight. We’d take him a full rack, he’d hand us an empty from last time, and everyone was happy. I like a guy who thinks outside the box, even though it was obviously more expensive. Those bottles from our restaurant were $2 apiece BACK THEN! That’s $3.00+ each today. It didn’t seem to bother him, though, especially since I made certain I always had a $3.00 off coupon with me to give him for his next order.
)
Comment