These things I cannot do...

[Dave1982]

63. I can not issue you a rain check, period. We do NOT issue them.

64. Yes I can order that item online for you, but I can NOT give you a rebate for it. This offer is for IN STORE, IN STOCK items only.

65. I can not change the meaning of "while supplies last."

66. I can not change the quantity limit for you, and I do not give a flying if you are a teacher (or a government employee, or a non-profit employee, etc). The limit is set in stone.

66A. No, I can NOT ring you up in 2 transactions (or 3, or 4, or any number for you to get the quantity you want). It is Limit X per CUSTOMER, not per transaction.

66B. As a matter of fact, the manager will not make an exception.

67. I can not accept more than three $3 Ink Recycing Coupons, and I do not give a flying how many cartridges you are buying. That is NOT how it works. The limit is THREE per CUSTOMER per DAY. If you wanted to, you could use three on ONE cartridge. Or on a case of paper. Or anything else in the store.

67A. No, I can NOT ring you up in 2 transactions (or 3, or 4, or any number for you to use the quantity you want). It is Limit 3 per CUSTOMER, not per transaction.

67B. As a matter of fact, the manager will not make an exception.

[IlovemyGeek]

8,999 No I will not stay late just to help YOU out. I am sorry you are 3 hours behind us. If you can't call during business hours, then email, I'm not sticking around extra hours unpaid just to help you out b/c your too lazy to send an email. No I don't know who you are and more importantly I don't care.

8,999 1/2 No I do not have Esp and No I can't magically conjure up all your information based on your detailed message of. Cancell me out I won't pay none. I also don't know who the hell "me" is

[Freemage]

68: We have 500 people spread over two floors, many of whom are often out of the building on assignment. Therefore, no, I cannot tell you if So-and-So is at their desk before I transfer you to their line. This, however, is why the Gods gave us voicemail.

69: No, ma'am, I don't know where you are calling from, or why you are calling. My phone equipment hasn't been updated since the Reagan years, and you probably have a better chance of finding out my name than I do of learning yours.

70: No, I won't tell you my name; however, I will tell you a fake name to avoid that conversation--have fun asking other people about "Don".

71: No, I cannot give out a reporter's home phone number to a non-employee.

72: No, we cannot print your anonymous and unsubstantiated claim that [insert government employee/local business/celebrity] is engaged in [corruption/fraud/the hokey-pokey]. If you legitimately fear reprisal for speaking out, you may get a reporter and an editor to agree to keep your identity confidential, but you're going to have to tell them who you are, and provide proof of your claim, or at least point us to where we can find some ourselves.

73: No, sir, I don't sit in on our editorial board meetings (interesting as that would have been sometimes), so I cannot tell you the thinking that went into that particular item. The reasoning, however, is laid out in the piece itself.

[Bluenomi]

I sooo agree with 45, why do people always assume copyright laws can be ignored just for them. I don't care what they want the copy for, unless the copyright holder tells me, in writing, I can copy it I'm not doing it. I don't care who you are and how big a tantie you throw I'm not getting myself into trouble over it.

and while I'm at it:

74. We work on a first in, first served basis. I don't care if you think you are more important than the person who booked 3 weeks ago, you are not getting thier stuff.

75. Yes, we dub footage in real time. Yes, that does mean it takes us 3 hours to dub 3 hours of footage from the master tape so yes, I'm very sure it won't be ready in an hour.

[myswtghst]

While coming in at midnight can be excessive, to be fair some people just can't make it during "normal business hours".

I work in a call center, so it's people who call in very late to ask about getting their phone repaired. Unfortunately, our lovely outsourced call centers aren't open 24-7 to "help" with that.

Also, this comment was aimed mostly at the idiots who called, sounding intoxicated in one form or another, at some late, inane hour, on the wrong phone number, and then gave me grief when I explained that the only call center that stays open late, where, unfortunately, they ended up, is the one that handles only radio and infrastructure equipment. I don't have the ability to do anything with/for phones.

Personal cell phone<911 Dispatch and Police Radio Equipment. Sorry. That's the reason my call center will never be outsourced--the Feds (Homeland Security, for one) that use us would never allow that. At least it keeps me in a job.

[Arcade Man D]

21: No, I will not rearrange the crane just for you. Yes, I know I did it three times each of the last four days you came in. There's a reason I'm refusing you now. No, I don't care if you spend lots of money here.

21A: Y'know, part of the skill aspect of coin-op cranes is knowing when a prize is unwinnable. Get over it.

21B: No, I will not trade the prize you won for the one you want. Yes, I know I did it two out of the last four days you came in. There's a reason I'm refusing you now. No, I don't care if you spend lots of money here.

21C: Dudes, it's only a stuffed animal. Get over it.

More along the same line as Gurndigarn's....

76: No, I cannot give you a cash refund for the tokens you bought.

76A: Yes, you did know we were closing soon. I only announced it every 5 minutes, at the least. And I know you heard me because you complained about my closing announcements being "annoying".

77: No, you can't shake the cranes.

77A: No, you can't shake the token dump games.

77B: You know what? You can't shake the damn games. Not a one of them.

77C: I don't care that you know my former co-worker "C" didn't mind. Guess what? She was fired for a reason.

78: No, you can't get a refund because "This game cheee-eats!" It doesn't, you just suck. ((the latter being what I wish I could say.))

79: No, I can't fix that game. There's something wrong with the CRT, and fixing CRTs requires specialized training.

80: No, I will not give you a refund on the game whose joystick I just fixed and you broke. How do I know you broke it? You were jumping up and down and shaking the whole machine while playing. And you were the first to play it that day when I fixed it before opening.

[CrazedClerk]

81. I don't care if someone else said this was ok a month ago. It's MY decision now, buddy.

82. I can't give you any number where you can call and directly reach a human. We're a big company and just won't do it that way.

83. I cannot provide you any other assistance above and beyond what I am paid to do. If your phone service was interrupted, I can't "make a quick call" on your behalf. Pay your bill, deadbeat!

84. I can't make your phone show up any faster. And no, once the order is shipped, I can't change the address it's going to.

85. No I can't "cut you a deal" on the newest phone you want, especially when you've been a customer only 6 months.

86. I cannot tell you what promotions/phones/services other providers offer, I do not work for them, if you want to know you'll have to call them. And if you get mad at me because "you're supposed to know this stuff!" I won't really care.

87. I can't give you a discount because you work at Joe's hardware. We DO give discounts to certain companies, but just because you have a job doesn't mean we have a deal for you.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

• I cannot run down to the DC and bring up another pallet of the laundry detergent we have on sale, because it all sold out on the first day of the sale and here you are bugging me one hour before we close on the last day of the sale. Next time roll out of bed and get here earlier.
• I cannot give you the sale price before the sale actually starts.
• I cannot give you the sale price after the sale has ended.
• I cannot lower the price for you because you are a "good customer". This is not a flea market. For that you have to drop by the county fairgrounds every other Sunday.
• I cannot come home with you and assemble your furniture. Not unless you give me a hella large tip, and tipping is prohibited here.
• I cannot pull the item you want out of my ass. When I tell you we are out of it, it means We. Are. Sold. Out.
  • Special Holiday sub-bullet point: I cannot pull hot Christmas toys out of my ass. Or any toys out of my ass. Especially not at 5:55 pm on Christmas Eve. We are open extended hours from Thanksgiving until Christmas Eve. In fact, during the week before Christmas we are open from 6 am until Midnight. If you could not find any time to get your shopping done before now, then Junior is going to have to learn some tough lessons about longing and disappointment.
  • Special Hot Game Systems sub-bullet point: I cannot pull a Nintendo Wii or PS3 out of my ass. I also cannot tell when we be getting shipments of these game consoles in. Perhaps you should voice your grievances to the manufacturers who make marketing decisions to limit supplies of their consoles for various reasons.
• I cannot help four customers at the same time. Please wait your turn and be considerate when you see me walking somebody to a product and talking to them about what they need.
• We cannot do one-hour photo processing anymore. Corporate decided to return all the equipment when the leases came up on it. Join the 21st century and buy a digital camera.

[mrsjfreak]

88. No I cannot, and WILL NOT, lower prices just because (former manager) did. She was fired for that reason

89. No, I will NOT open a box of blueberry flavored protein bars, just so you can buy one. Nor will I open a box of 5 hour energy berry flavored, just because YOU don't like the lemon lime ones. I'm limited to ONE open box at a time. If you don't like it, take it up with the regional sales manager, I'm sure she'll be glad to throw you out of her store.

90. No, it's NOT Gold Card week. I cannot give you a discount, unless you have politely called in ahead of time and given us a LEGIT reason for not coming in during GC week. Saying that you were watching the big games all week doesn't work, sorry.

91. Just because (insert name of coworker) knows you, doesn't mean I will slash the prices for you. I don't care if they get fired, I won't!

92. Thirty days is thirty days, if you bring in a product at 31 days, I will NOT refund your money, receipt or not! It says on the back of your receipt. You want to complain, here's my name, the customer service number, and don't forget to mention you were a jerk to me (I wish I could say the last part)

93. You were fired from here for a reason. Being that you were fired also means that you are banned from the store. Please leave before I call security. I will not allow you to "hang out" in our store

94. Just because (insert competitor's name here) has the price 60% lower than what we have it as doesn't mean I can match that low. If they have it at $35.99 and we have it at $63.99, it means that they're screwing themselves out of profit. Not something I will do for my company, sorry. I need to live too

[Bloodsoul]

95. No, I can not accept your check if the address on the check and on your driver's license aren't the same; I'm sorry if you've just moved, but it's still store policy and is there for security reasons.

96. No, I can not accept your check if you don't have your license with you.

97. No, I can not accept your check if you write it out under the name of a different store.

98. No, I can not accept your check if the number is under "300"; this is considered a "starter check" and the store doesn't take these. I'm sorry if you've been writing checks here years, I can't change store policy (although, to be honest, it is a rather bad one)

99. No, you can not write over the total amount of the purchase and get cash back; the amount on the check has to match the ammount on the purchase.

[Delphae]

100. No I can't take your check for a Visa gift card. It is against company policy. I don't care if my boss did it last week.