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Ok, so, I don't know if they're on vacation, but the usual gaggle of frothing, screaming morons didn't see to be much of a problem on Monday and Tuesday. Maybe they wandered off in the wilderness trying to find Easter eggs Sunday and got lost. Or they're waiting for the weekend when they're not working and have all day to rip into me. That's not to say the last days I worked were uneventful. The pickins were slim, but fruitful:
SW: Sucky Woman
ME: *curtsy*
Sorry, I don't give discounts to sworn enemies
SW: I want to get the same minutes I have now for less.
ME: Well, we do have lower plans available, but the plan you have now is the lowest price we've ever offered for XXXX minutes. However, based on your average minutes usage from the last few months, it looks like you'd be just fine on the plan for XXX minutes, and save $10 a month.
SW: Yeah, but I don't want less minutes.
ME: Unfortunately, I don't have the same minutes for less.
SW: Oh. Then you should give me a discount. I should get a discount through my employer anyway.
ME: Ok, we do have several corporate discounts available for various companies. What company do you work for.
SW: I work for (Random) Communication Services. We take calls for (Our #1 Competitor).
ME: You work for (Competitor)?
SW: Not directly, but we take their calls. But they'll give me a discount.
ME: Right. Because you work for one of their outsourcers.
SW: Yeah. So you should give me a discount, or I'll just cancel.
ME: I can tell you firsthand that nothing I could possibly offer you will match what they can. Employee discounts and plans go way above and beyond what regular customers can receive.
SW: But I like your service better, so just give me the discount.
ME: I won't be able to get X plan for less than $XX.XX.
SW: Fine. Then give me a new phone. (Competitor) will give me a 30% discount.
ME: Once again, we are not (Competitor) and that's not an option I have.
SW: Fine! We'll just have to see what happens, but you'll be sorry you lost me.
Ok, this situation isn't completely out of the ordinary. I already had service with my employer when I started working for them, but over half my training class had contracts with other service providers. But to expect another provider to match an employee discount is way beyond stupid. You think I'm threatened that you want to cancel? By all means, cancel! If I had a choice between a regular $39.99 plan with any company, or what I get for $10 a month, there wouldn't even be a doubt in my mind about what to do. I would question whether or or not she actually works for any of our competitors, but I've learned that this level of stupidity is possible.
Which brings us to:
It's official. There's no hope for humanity
SW: I am so angry right now! I have HAD IT with the horrible treatment you people have given me!
ME: What seems to be the problem?
SW: The problem is that you don't want to stand behind your products! I bought a phone in January, and now there's a problem with it and you won't replace it!
ME: All phones have a 12 month warranty through the manufacturer. I'd be happy to do some troubleshooting for you and see if the problem can be fixed or if it needs to be replaced. As long as it's not damaged-
SW: There! You see! A convenient "out" for (Company)! It's not my fault that your phone fell out of your case! Now the lens on the camera is cracked and I'm out $100! Then I'll have to buy another phone while you guys pocket all the money!
ME: That's not exactly-
SW: YOU should buy me a new phone! It's your fault anyway!
ME: First of all, you said the phone fell out of the case?
SW: YOUR case!
ME: We don't manufacture the carrying cases. Or the phones. Or anything, for that matter. Did you get a universal case, or was it one fitted to your phone?
SW: It showed a picture of this phone on the package! But if you move wrong, it spins upside down and the phone drops out of it.
ME: So it has a swivel clip. Did the clip seem to loosen up over time, or when was the first time you noticed this being a problem?
SW: The first day! I bought the phone in the store, then bought the case, and right when I put it in the case it fell out on the floor! Right in front of the salesman!
ME: Did they offer to get you a different one?
SW: No, they said it was the only one they had in stock. They didn't know when more were coming in and I didn't have time to go back.
ME: So you took it?
SW: Of course! What else was I supposed to do?
ME: You could have....returned it and gotten your money back for the case. Then, I don't know, tried another store that might have had a case that would work?
SW: Oh, fine! Yeah, I've had a rough winter, I've been busy, I've been sick, and I'm supposed to go all over the US looking for a case! The one you sold me should have worked to begin with!
ME: But, it didn't. And you knew it wasn't working yet you continued to use it, knowing it could drop your phone on concrete at a moment's notice.
SW: I. HAVE. BEEN. SICK!
ME: Yes, you said that. But that doesn't explain why you persisted in using what you knew was a faulty product. However, now that your phone is damaged, you expect us to replace it.
SW: I have had enough of your abuse! I want a supervisor!
ME: Unfortunately, a supervisor won't be able to-
SW: I AM FINISHED WITH YOU! GET ME A SUPERVISOR NOW!
I got my sup on the line after explaining things to him. When he stopped shaking his head, he had me transfer her to his desk. I listened in long enough to catch this:
SW: First of all, the girl who I was talking to was extremely rude and was talking to me like I'm an idiot!
SUP
: Kara explained the situation to me. I understand your lens is cracked on your phone, because-
SW: Because of your stupid case! And when I told her that she said I should have returned it and tried to find another one! I've been sick!
SUP: I understand that. But even though the case didn't work like it was supposed to you kept using it...
SW: WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS COMPANY? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT CUSTOMER SERVICE IS?
SUP (audibly): Sigh...
Sometimes I wonder how, with such obvious mental deficiencies, people like this can even figure out how to operate a phone. I imagine them looking at it quizzically before licking the charger port and collapsing in a convulsing, smoking heap on the floor. Yet somehow, they avoid this (no matter how great the temptation may be). Maybe it's some type of technological savantism.
SW: Sucky Woman
ME: *curtsy*
Sorry, I don't give discounts to sworn enemies
SW: I want to get the same minutes I have now for less.
ME: Well, we do have lower plans available, but the plan you have now is the lowest price we've ever offered for XXXX minutes. However, based on your average minutes usage from the last few months, it looks like you'd be just fine on the plan for XXX minutes, and save $10 a month.
SW: Yeah, but I don't want less minutes.
ME: Unfortunately, I don't have the same minutes for less.
SW: Oh. Then you should give me a discount. I should get a discount through my employer anyway.
ME: Ok, we do have several corporate discounts available for various companies. What company do you work for.
SW: I work for (Random) Communication Services. We take calls for (Our #1 Competitor).
ME: You work for (Competitor)?
SW: Not directly, but we take their calls. But they'll give me a discount.
ME: Right. Because you work for one of their outsourcers.
SW: Yeah. So you should give me a discount, or I'll just cancel.
ME: I can tell you firsthand that nothing I could possibly offer you will match what they can. Employee discounts and plans go way above and beyond what regular customers can receive.
SW: But I like your service better, so just give me the discount.
ME: I won't be able to get X plan for less than $XX.XX.
SW: Fine. Then give me a new phone. (Competitor) will give me a 30% discount.
ME: Once again, we are not (Competitor) and that's not an option I have.
SW: Fine! We'll just have to see what happens, but you'll be sorry you lost me.
Ok, this situation isn't completely out of the ordinary. I already had service with my employer when I started working for them, but over half my training class had contracts with other service providers. But to expect another provider to match an employee discount is way beyond stupid. You think I'm threatened that you want to cancel? By all means, cancel! If I had a choice between a regular $39.99 plan with any company, or what I get for $10 a month, there wouldn't even be a doubt in my mind about what to do. I would question whether or or not she actually works for any of our competitors, but I've learned that this level of stupidity is possible.
Which brings us to:
It's official. There's no hope for humanity
SW: I am so angry right now! I have HAD IT with the horrible treatment you people have given me!
ME: What seems to be the problem?
SW: The problem is that you don't want to stand behind your products! I bought a phone in January, and now there's a problem with it and you won't replace it!
ME: All phones have a 12 month warranty through the manufacturer. I'd be happy to do some troubleshooting for you and see if the problem can be fixed or if it needs to be replaced. As long as it's not damaged-
SW: There! You see! A convenient "out" for (Company)! It's not my fault that your phone fell out of your case! Now the lens on the camera is cracked and I'm out $100! Then I'll have to buy another phone while you guys pocket all the money!
ME: That's not exactly-
SW: YOU should buy me a new phone! It's your fault anyway!
ME: First of all, you said the phone fell out of the case?
SW: YOUR case!
ME: We don't manufacture the carrying cases. Or the phones. Or anything, for that matter. Did you get a universal case, or was it one fitted to your phone?
SW: It showed a picture of this phone on the package! But if you move wrong, it spins upside down and the phone drops out of it.
ME: So it has a swivel clip. Did the clip seem to loosen up over time, or when was the first time you noticed this being a problem?
SW: The first day! I bought the phone in the store, then bought the case, and right when I put it in the case it fell out on the floor! Right in front of the salesman!
ME: Did they offer to get you a different one?
SW: No, they said it was the only one they had in stock. They didn't know when more were coming in and I didn't have time to go back.
ME: So you took it?
SW: Of course! What else was I supposed to do?
ME: You could have....returned it and gotten your money back for the case. Then, I don't know, tried another store that might have had a case that would work?
SW: Oh, fine! Yeah, I've had a rough winter, I've been busy, I've been sick, and I'm supposed to go all over the US looking for a case! The one you sold me should have worked to begin with!
ME: But, it didn't. And you knew it wasn't working yet you continued to use it, knowing it could drop your phone on concrete at a moment's notice.
SW: I. HAVE. BEEN. SICK!
ME: Yes, you said that. But that doesn't explain why you persisted in using what you knew was a faulty product. However, now that your phone is damaged, you expect us to replace it.
SW: I have had enough of your abuse! I want a supervisor!
ME: Unfortunately, a supervisor won't be able to-
SW: I AM FINISHED WITH YOU! GET ME A SUPERVISOR NOW!
I got my sup on the line after explaining things to him. When he stopped shaking his head, he had me transfer her to his desk. I listened in long enough to catch this:
SW: First of all, the girl who I was talking to was extremely rude and was talking to me like I'm an idiot!
SUP
: Kara explained the situation to me. I understand your lens is cracked on your phone, because-SW: Because of your stupid case! And when I told her that she said I should have returned it and tried to find another one! I've been sick!
SUP: I understand that. But even though the case didn't work like it was supposed to you kept using it...
SW: WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS COMPANY? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT CUSTOMER SERVICE IS?
SUP (audibly): Sigh...
Sometimes I wonder how, with such obvious mental deficiencies, people like this can even figure out how to operate a phone. I imagine them looking at it quizzically before licking the charger port and collapsing in a convulsing, smoking heap on the floor. Yet somehow, they avoid this (no matter how great the temptation may be). Maybe it's some type of technological savantism.
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