Tweet
Christmas Schmistmas, the seasons may change, but SC's are eternal.
Two-Fists of Double-Dealin' Towin' FURY!
I’m sure you’ve all heard of double parking, but this was probably the most literal instance I’ve ever seen.
Guy is directly in the middle of two parking spaces. The white line that separated the two stalls was extending out from under the rear bumper of his car, directly in the middle of the license plate, between the two sets of digits even… it was a clean bi-section that you probably couldn’t do if you TRIED with the offer of a hefty cash reward for getting it this perfect. This isn’t a clear “oops, there was snow on the ground and it kinda blended into the line and threw me off” mistake. This isn’t a “oops, took that turn a bit wide and put a tire over the line” mistake. This is a clear case of “I don’t give a flyin’ f*ck”.
Well, of course, because said business he did this immediately in front of has several large bay windows, I don’t get very far before the owner comes running out. And he seems totally befuddled as to why I took an interest in him. He’s got both his hands up in front of him like he’s presenting me a very large but invisible pot roast on a platter while asking “What’s the deal?!”
“Well, you’re double-parked, took two spaces and you didn’t pay either of those meters” I explain
“Well, I’m not from around here!” he says.
“They don’t have parking meters where you’re from? “ I ask.
He didn’t like that much, but seriously, why do so many people suddenly develop amnesia when they leave their home towns and act like they’ve never ever once before encountered a parking meter? Or are seemingly unaware that not paying them tends to invite negative consequences?
So you’re an out-of-towner, A New Jerseyan it looks like based on those plates, big deal! Buddy, I’ve BEEN to Jersey (Well the crown jewel of Newark at any rate), and granted I didn’t look very hard, but I’m SURE there are parking meters in New Jersey.
If you were having a problem figuring out how to work a self-serve gas pump, or just plain thunderstruck that you can actually TURN LEFT ACROSS TRAFFIC here in the Keystone State, I’d understand your confusion. But confused by parking meters? No dice. Pay up.
Well, that De-escalated quickly
-Unit Five to dispatch
-Go ahead
-Uh, I got a guy here who says he won’t pay
-Are you on an illegal?
-Yes
-Are you hooked up?
-Yes
-The car’s loaded and ready to go?
-Yes
-Then leave with it
-Huh?
-Leave
-What?
-Get in the truck and LEAVE with the car
-Okay… Five to dispatch, he says he’ll pay, I'll be unloading.
Don’t overthink it five, it’s not THAT hard. Though maybe it is to him, this IS the guy who can't keep from spittin' all over my vehicle........ as I recounted earlier.
Ye Olde Tale of an Illegale Parker
Solomon Grundy,
Parked illegally on a Monday,
Ticketed on Tuesday,
Towed on Wednesday,
Came back to the lot with a bad fake permit on Thursday,
Towed again on Friday,
Picked up the car on Saturday,
Left town Sunday.
That was the end,
Of Solomon Grundy
And it was a humdinger of a doo-zeey of a loser of a fake too. A sham of a farce of a mockery if you will. He apparently eyeballed the real permit hangtags, then went home, and tried from memory, to replicate one. He got the color right, but his successes ended there. Wrong size, wrong lettering fronts, and clearly printed on paper.
Grundy not good at counterfeiting…
I'm a One-Man Asshole Parade!
So sayeth my adoring fans in the public!
STORY 1
-How about you put that down?
-Uh, no
-We were just leaving
-Okay, you still owe for illegal parking
-It was only a minute!
-No, it was much longer than that, and you parked in a marked handicapped space, without a handicapped permit, you’re in a private lot, with no permit for the lot, and, you’ve got half this car up on the sidewalk that leads to the front door, it’s not even completely IN a valid space. You committed enough infractions here for me to justify towing you three times over.
-Asshole!
Yeah, that’s it. I’m the asshole. Because a person who takes the spot reserved for people who may be missing something as trivial as, oh I don’t know, THEIR LEGS, is a candidate for canonization by the Pope by comparison. Hmmm…. Is there a patron saint for tow truck drivers? Anyone know? There must be, they seem to have em for everyone from plumbers to pastry chefs. But I’m too lazy to go look it up.
STORY 2
-Aw, c’mon man!
-Sorry, but you don’t have a permit to park here
-C’mon! I litereally just drove like, four hours to get here! Can’t you cut me a break?
-No, you need a permit to park here, and that wouldn’t be fair to that guy *pointing at nearby car* or that guy *point again* or that guy *again* who all bought permits and paid for their parking.
-But it was only a minute!
-No, it wasn’t, it was much longer than that
-Aw….. look, can I ask you a question? Honestly? Man-to-man
-Sure, go ahead
-If I only parked here for like a minute, just to run, like over there *points to nearby storefront* to like get a sandwich or something, just for a minute, you wouldn’t tow me for that would you?
-Yes I would
-YOU WOULD?!
-I’ve DONE that before, sir. In fact, I do it all the time.
-You asshole!
Honesty apparently makes one an asshole, who knew?!
STORY 3
-Loser! Stop towing people for no reason and get a real job!
-This is a real job, I get a paycheck every week
-Well, go to school so you can get a BETTER job!
-Class of 99' Penn State University, Sir, 3.55 GPA, Deans' list three times, thank you very much.
-ASSHOLE!
The irony of course being, that if he and his brethren would follow the rules, I'd be out of a job so fast I'd leave a smoldering crater wherever I landed in the unemployment line.
Dumb Question of the Week
It's been asked of me at least a dozen times.....
"Can I help you?"
My usual reply
"Nope! I got this! But thanks!"
That usually stuns em’ silly for an extra few seconds before they fess up it’s their car you’re towing, about to tow, etc. Fun times!
Mr. Obstruction
Well, after several months of towing from that closed-down burger place, we've apparently weeded out the trimmers from the fighters. All those we get nowadays really really REALLY want to FIGHT the issue, we must have run off the amateurs and are now dealing with PRO illegal parkers.
Slim got one the other night where the guy came back while he was loading, refused to pay, and stood in front of Slim's truck with his arms out declaring "HIT ME! HIT ME! I DARE YOU! YOU CAN RUN ME OVER BEFORE I'LL PAY!"
Slim called the cops, who soon arrived, tested that boast, and found out that, under penalty of law, the guy would in fact pay before we got a chance to turn him into a colorful street pizza.
The guy also tried to bargain with Slim, offering him $20 first. Yeah, unless that includes a $45 tip for our prompt and professional service, you're still a bit short what ya' owe there buddy.
He then claimed he didn't have any money beyond that $20
Yeah, buddy, nice try. Considering the cost of gas these days, anyone without at least $40 to their name is better off just abandoning their car where it sits or else they'll never afford that next tank of gas. C'mon, this is the 21st Century, you've got a credit card, don't lie, you do, EVERYONE has them, even kindergarteners and their pet goldfish have them at this point.
Even people in faraway countries have them! Well, they don't have them, they have the numbers, of other people's cards, that they occasionally use for their purchases. (As my bank informed me had happened to my card last week. Thanks whoever that was who tried to charge $500 in plane tickets on my account, but my banks' fraud department took one look at that and said "That can't be Argabarga, it's something other than a grocery store or a Camaro Parts Dealer! So "Nein!", "Non!" "Nyet!" or whatever passes for "aw hell naw" in your native tongue!)
So what I'm saying is, you HAVE a way to pay in full, so use it.
You know, we have tablets in the trucks, with keyboards and magnetic strip readers and everything, we can run cards on-scene and even email you the receipts! Ain't technology wonderful? Because while the 21st Century has in many ways failed to deliver the wonders we expected from it back in 1955 (Atomic powered roller skates, Jazz clubs on the Moon, Four-course meals in the form of tiny swallowable capsules) and in other ways, given us things we had no desire for like bio-terrorism, the Cleveland Cavaliers post-LeBron James, and identity theft, (like that would ever happen to me! HA ha ha.... oh wait) it has at least given us a way to quickly make the stupid pay their bills.
He eventually paid. Having managed to delay the inevitable for about 15 minutes of time that he'll never see back, good job there!
Donut Annoy Cops
Call it a hunch, but when there are three cruisers, an ambulance, and several uniformed officers all gathered around a single guy on the sidewalk, pressing his face into the asphalt hard enough to leave an imprint because he made the unwise choice to vigorously resist arrest, well, that's NOT the best time to interject yourself amongst them and declare you have a problem with us towing your car for illegal parking from the opposite side of the street and they need to drop what their doing, come over to our side, and arbitrate because they're civil servants and that's their job!
You are frankly just lucky they still had enough patience to tell you to get lost instead of just tossing you into the paddywagon along with your new best buddy there and haul you BOTH downtown. I'm no expert, but I'm willing to bet a Disorderly Conduct charge would have carried a greater fine than the $65 you owed us. Well, see, you owed us $65 at that point, but when you walked away to alert the cops, we drove off with your loaded car and now it's a full tow, $115.
You know that old bromide about the easy way and the hard way?
Yeah, guess what option you picked?
Go on, guess.
Two-Fists of Double-Dealin' Towin' FURY!
I’m sure you’ve all heard of double parking, but this was probably the most literal instance I’ve ever seen.
Guy is directly in the middle of two parking spaces. The white line that separated the two stalls was extending out from under the rear bumper of his car, directly in the middle of the license plate, between the two sets of digits even… it was a clean bi-section that you probably couldn’t do if you TRIED with the offer of a hefty cash reward for getting it this perfect. This isn’t a clear “oops, there was snow on the ground and it kinda blended into the line and threw me off” mistake. This isn’t a “oops, took that turn a bit wide and put a tire over the line” mistake. This is a clear case of “I don’t give a flyin’ f*ck”.
Well, of course, because said business he did this immediately in front of has several large bay windows, I don’t get very far before the owner comes running out. And he seems totally befuddled as to why I took an interest in him. He’s got both his hands up in front of him like he’s presenting me a very large but invisible pot roast on a platter while asking “What’s the deal?!”
“Well, you’re double-parked, took two spaces and you didn’t pay either of those meters” I explain
“Well, I’m not from around here!” he says.
“They don’t have parking meters where you’re from? “ I ask.
He didn’t like that much, but seriously, why do so many people suddenly develop amnesia when they leave their home towns and act like they’ve never ever once before encountered a parking meter? Or are seemingly unaware that not paying them tends to invite negative consequences?
So you’re an out-of-towner, A New Jerseyan it looks like based on those plates, big deal! Buddy, I’ve BEEN to Jersey (Well the crown jewel of Newark at any rate), and granted I didn’t look very hard, but I’m SURE there are parking meters in New Jersey.
If you were having a problem figuring out how to work a self-serve gas pump, or just plain thunderstruck that you can actually TURN LEFT ACROSS TRAFFIC here in the Keystone State, I’d understand your confusion. But confused by parking meters? No dice. Pay up.
Well, that De-escalated quickly
-Unit Five to dispatch
-Go ahead
-Uh, I got a guy here who says he won’t pay
-Are you on an illegal?
-Yes
-Are you hooked up?
-Yes
-The car’s loaded and ready to go?
-Yes
-Then leave with it
-Huh?
-Leave
-What?
-Get in the truck and LEAVE with the car
-Okay… Five to dispatch, he says he’ll pay, I'll be unloading.
Don’t overthink it five, it’s not THAT hard. Though maybe it is to him, this IS the guy who can't keep from spittin' all over my vehicle........ as I recounted earlier.
Ye Olde Tale of an Illegale Parker
Solomon Grundy,
Parked illegally on a Monday,
Ticketed on Tuesday,
Towed on Wednesday,
Came back to the lot with a bad fake permit on Thursday,
Towed again on Friday,
Picked up the car on Saturday,
Left town Sunday.
That was the end,
Of Solomon Grundy
And it was a humdinger of a doo-zeey of a loser of a fake too. A sham of a farce of a mockery if you will. He apparently eyeballed the real permit hangtags, then went home, and tried from memory, to replicate one. He got the color right, but his successes ended there. Wrong size, wrong lettering fronts, and clearly printed on paper.
Grundy not good at counterfeiting…
I'm a One-Man Asshole Parade!
So sayeth my adoring fans in the public!
STORY 1
-How about you put that down?
-Uh, no
-We were just leaving
-Okay, you still owe for illegal parking
-It was only a minute!
-No, it was much longer than that, and you parked in a marked handicapped space, without a handicapped permit, you’re in a private lot, with no permit for the lot, and, you’ve got half this car up on the sidewalk that leads to the front door, it’s not even completely IN a valid space. You committed enough infractions here for me to justify towing you three times over.
-Asshole!
Yeah, that’s it. I’m the asshole. Because a person who takes the spot reserved for people who may be missing something as trivial as, oh I don’t know, THEIR LEGS, is a candidate for canonization by the Pope by comparison. Hmmm…. Is there a patron saint for tow truck drivers? Anyone know? There must be, they seem to have em for everyone from plumbers to pastry chefs. But I’m too lazy to go look it up.
STORY 2
-Aw, c’mon man!
-Sorry, but you don’t have a permit to park here
-C’mon! I litereally just drove like, four hours to get here! Can’t you cut me a break?
-No, you need a permit to park here, and that wouldn’t be fair to that guy *pointing at nearby car* or that guy *point again* or that guy *again* who all bought permits and paid for their parking.
-But it was only a minute!
-No, it wasn’t, it was much longer than that
-Aw….. look, can I ask you a question? Honestly? Man-to-man
-Sure, go ahead
-If I only parked here for like a minute, just to run, like over there *points to nearby storefront* to like get a sandwich or something, just for a minute, you wouldn’t tow me for that would you?
-Yes I would
-YOU WOULD?!
-I’ve DONE that before, sir. In fact, I do it all the time.
-You asshole!
Honesty apparently makes one an asshole, who knew?!
STORY 3
-Loser! Stop towing people for no reason and get a real job!
-This is a real job, I get a paycheck every week
-Well, go to school so you can get a BETTER job!
-Class of 99' Penn State University, Sir, 3.55 GPA, Deans' list three times, thank you very much.
-ASSHOLE!
The irony of course being, that if he and his brethren would follow the rules, I'd be out of a job so fast I'd leave a smoldering crater wherever I landed in the unemployment line.
Dumb Question of the Week
It's been asked of me at least a dozen times.....
"Can I help you?"
My usual reply
"Nope! I got this! But thanks!"
That usually stuns em’ silly for an extra few seconds before they fess up it’s their car you’re towing, about to tow, etc. Fun times!
Mr. Obstruction
Well, after several months of towing from that closed-down burger place, we've apparently weeded out the trimmers from the fighters. All those we get nowadays really really REALLY want to FIGHT the issue, we must have run off the amateurs and are now dealing with PRO illegal parkers.
Slim got one the other night where the guy came back while he was loading, refused to pay, and stood in front of Slim's truck with his arms out declaring "HIT ME! HIT ME! I DARE YOU! YOU CAN RUN ME OVER BEFORE I'LL PAY!"
Slim called the cops, who soon arrived, tested that boast, and found out that, under penalty of law, the guy would in fact pay before we got a chance to turn him into a colorful street pizza.
The guy also tried to bargain with Slim, offering him $20 first. Yeah, unless that includes a $45 tip for our prompt and professional service, you're still a bit short what ya' owe there buddy.
He then claimed he didn't have any money beyond that $20
Yeah, buddy, nice try. Considering the cost of gas these days, anyone without at least $40 to their name is better off just abandoning their car where it sits or else they'll never afford that next tank of gas. C'mon, this is the 21st Century, you've got a credit card, don't lie, you do, EVERYONE has them, even kindergarteners and their pet goldfish have them at this point.
Even people in faraway countries have them! Well, they don't have them, they have the numbers, of other people's cards, that they occasionally use for their purchases. (As my bank informed me had happened to my card last week. Thanks whoever that was who tried to charge $500 in plane tickets on my account, but my banks' fraud department took one look at that and said "That can't be Argabarga, it's something other than a grocery store or a Camaro Parts Dealer! So "Nein!", "Non!" "Nyet!" or whatever passes for "aw hell naw" in your native tongue!)
So what I'm saying is, you HAVE a way to pay in full, so use it.
You know, we have tablets in the trucks, with keyboards and magnetic strip readers and everything, we can run cards on-scene and even email you the receipts! Ain't technology wonderful? Because while the 21st Century has in many ways failed to deliver the wonders we expected from it back in 1955 (Atomic powered roller skates, Jazz clubs on the Moon, Four-course meals in the form of tiny swallowable capsules) and in other ways, given us things we had no desire for like bio-terrorism, the Cleveland Cavaliers post-LeBron James, and identity theft, (like that would ever happen to me! HA ha ha.... oh wait) it has at least given us a way to quickly make the stupid pay their bills.
He eventually paid. Having managed to delay the inevitable for about 15 minutes of time that he'll never see back, good job there!
Donut Annoy Cops
Call it a hunch, but when there are three cruisers, an ambulance, and several uniformed officers all gathered around a single guy on the sidewalk, pressing his face into the asphalt hard enough to leave an imprint because he made the unwise choice to vigorously resist arrest, well, that's NOT the best time to interject yourself amongst them and declare you have a problem with us towing your car for illegal parking from the opposite side of the street and they need to drop what their doing, come over to our side, and arbitrate because they're civil servants and that's their job!
You are frankly just lucky they still had enough patience to tell you to get lost instead of just tossing you into the paddywagon along with your new best buddy there and haul you BOTH downtown. I'm no expert, but I'm willing to bet a Disorderly Conduct charge would have carried a greater fine than the $65 you owed us. Well, see, you owed us $65 at that point, but when you walked away to alert the cops, we drove off with your loaded car and now it's a full tow, $115.
You know that old bromide about the easy way and the hard way?
Yeah, guess what option you picked?
Go on, guess.
Comment