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Tragic. That's really all that can be said about today. I'm due a long hot bubble bath and a big bowl of chocolate.
SM: Sucky Man
SW: Sucky Woman
ME:
Financial Genius
SM: I don't want to pay more than $40.00 a month.
ME: But you pay an average of $150 a month because you consistently go over your minutes. This plan would be $49.99 a month but it would actually lower your bills by about $100 per month.
SM: Yeah, but I don't want to pay more than $40 a month, so I'll just leave the plan where it is.
B-but... Don't you...? I mean... You...
Moron.com
ME: You can view all our phones on our website at (Company).com.
SW: Hold on, I'm pulling up the website now. Okay, 3,564 results for (Company). Which one do I select? (Company) phones? (Company) Plans? The best (Company) deals? Free (Company) phones?
ME: No, you need to type (Company).com in your address bar. If you just google it, you'll get endless third-party sites.
SW: Oh, ok. Let me try again. (C-o-m-p-a-n-y).com. Okay, here we go! Now, (Company) phones? (Company) Plans? The best (Company) deals? Free (Company) phones?
ME: ...No. That's still not our website. Again, you need to put type it into the address bar at the top.
SW: Oooh, ok. Alright, this is it! (Company) phones, (Company) Plans, The best (Company) deals, Free (Company) phones. Which one should I click?
How about whichever one kills you? The sad thing is, this wasn't an old lady. She was about the same age as me.
Financial Genius II
SM: I don't like my phone. I want to get the Blackberry.
ME: Okay, well, you just upgraded 2 months ago. But I can still get the Blackberry for you for $199.99.
SM: That's too much. I'll just cancel. I can get a free one from (Competitor).
ME: But if you cancel, you'll have a $200 termination fee. Plus Activation Fees for your new account with (Competitor), and possibly a deposit.
SM: That's okay. I'll just sell this phone to my buddy.
ME: That's a good idea. Then you can use that money towards the phone you want with us and avoid the Termination Fee.
SM: Nah, I'll just cancel and get the free one from (Competitor).
How do people like you even have any money to your name? How do you not get ripped off on every street corner?
Party On, Wayne
SM: Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay. I'm sorry, what did you say? I wasn't paying attention.
Wayne: I could say anything, like "you're a complete tool".
Garth: But you wouldn't hear, 'cause you're a freak with a microphone.
Wayne: It's even not challenging anymore. It's like shooting fish in a barrel.
Not any point to this one, just seized the opportunity for a Wayne's World reference.
Maybe they don't want to talk to you
SW: Why can't I dial this number?
ME: What happens when you try to dial the number?
SW: I get a busy signal! I can always get through, but now it's not working.
ME: Perhaps they're on the line with someone else.
SW: Why would they do that?
Sorry, as much as I'm sure you would like to believe humanity exists solely to serve you, there are countless things that are more important. Sea Cucumbers, for example.
Entitlement Whore
SM: I don't understand what the problem is! Every year, we get new phones and you always give us free phones! Now all the sudden you want us to pay for them!
That's because you always got junk phones in the past. This year you decided to raise your standards and go all out. Just because it's not free doesn't mean you're not getting a good deal.
Proof that you don't need a functioning brain to be a customer
SW: I want my service canceled right now!
ME: May I as why you wish to cancel?
SW: Because I got this text message and I don't even now how to use them
ME: *teaches her how to open and read a text message. It turns out to be nothing but lines of code, which means its some type of system update from the network.*
SW: Now, this messge says it was received on 04/12 at 1244am.
ME: Ok...
SW: What the hell business do you guys run that you send me messages at 1244am? If my phone had been on, it would have woke me up!
ME: But, it was off, right?
SW: Yes, I turn it off every night. But if it had been on, it would have woke me up.
ME: But... it wasn't on. And it didn't wake you up.
SW: But what if it had? Why would you think 1244am is a good time to send me a message?
ME: Well, most system updates happen overnight, because in case it knocks the network out, it won't affect as many customers as it would in the middle of the day. And the system does sometimes send a message to the handset to complete the update to the SIM.
SW: So you think it's okay if you just wake me up?
ME: But we've already established that your phone was not on, did not wake you up, and won't wake you up in the future because you leave your phone off every night?
SW: But what if it does?!
ME: Let me see what I can do. Please hold.
SUP: What's up?
ME: Okay, can I just throw a credit at this woman to shut her up?
SUP: Why?
ME: Because she got a system update message at 1244 and if it weren't for the fact that she turns her phone off every night, it would have woke her up.
SUP: But... her phone was off.
ME: Yeah, I know. But she's upset of the hypothetical possibility. Maybe in case she didn't turn it off in an alternate universe and it did wake her up. I don't know. But she won't shut up about it, and arguing about a "what if" is making my brain bleed.
SUP: Well, what if the sun exploded at 1245? Then she wouldn't even be concerned about her phone.
ME: That's flipping awesome. Do I have your approval to use that example? Cause I will.
SUP: No, just give her the credit. We've already wasted enough money fighting with her.
ME: I'd be happy to offer you a courtesy credit of $5 for the inconvenience.
SW: Oh, ok. That sounds good then.
When I put in my credit, I worded it "Customer was upset about hypothetical inconvenience, so applied tangible credit of $5 as a courtesy."
I can't wait to see what happens tomorrow
SM: Sucky Man
SW: Sucky Woman
ME:
Financial Genius
SM: I don't want to pay more than $40.00 a month.
ME: But you pay an average of $150 a month because you consistently go over your minutes. This plan would be $49.99 a month but it would actually lower your bills by about $100 per month.
SM: Yeah, but I don't want to pay more than $40 a month, so I'll just leave the plan where it is.
B-but... Don't you...? I mean... You...
Moron.com
ME: You can view all our phones on our website at (Company).com.
SW: Hold on, I'm pulling up the website now. Okay, 3,564 results for (Company). Which one do I select? (Company) phones? (Company) Plans? The best (Company) deals? Free (Company) phones?
ME: No, you need to type (Company).com in your address bar. If you just google it, you'll get endless third-party sites.
SW: Oh, ok. Let me try again. (C-o-m-p-a-n-y).com. Okay, here we go! Now, (Company) phones? (Company) Plans? The best (Company) deals? Free (Company) phones?
ME: ...No. That's still not our website. Again, you need to put type it into the address bar at the top.
SW: Oooh, ok. Alright, this is it! (Company) phones, (Company) Plans, The best (Company) deals, Free (Company) phones. Which one should I click?
How about whichever one kills you? The sad thing is, this wasn't an old lady. She was about the same age as me.
Financial Genius II
SM: I don't like my phone. I want to get the Blackberry.
ME: Okay, well, you just upgraded 2 months ago. But I can still get the Blackberry for you for $199.99.
SM: That's too much. I'll just cancel. I can get a free one from (Competitor).
ME: But if you cancel, you'll have a $200 termination fee. Plus Activation Fees for your new account with (Competitor), and possibly a deposit.
SM: That's okay. I'll just sell this phone to my buddy.
ME: That's a good idea. Then you can use that money towards the phone you want with us and avoid the Termination Fee.
SM: Nah, I'll just cancel and get the free one from (Competitor).
How do people like you even have any money to your name? How do you not get ripped off on every street corner?
Party On, Wayne
SM: Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay. I'm sorry, what did you say? I wasn't paying attention.
Wayne: I could say anything, like "you're a complete tool".
Garth: But you wouldn't hear, 'cause you're a freak with a microphone.
Wayne: It's even not challenging anymore. It's like shooting fish in a barrel.
Not any point to this one, just seized the opportunity for a Wayne's World reference.
Maybe they don't want to talk to you
SW: Why can't I dial this number?
ME: What happens when you try to dial the number?
SW: I get a busy signal! I can always get through, but now it's not working.
ME: Perhaps they're on the line with someone else.
SW: Why would they do that?
Sorry, as much as I'm sure you would like to believe humanity exists solely to serve you, there are countless things that are more important. Sea Cucumbers, for example.
Entitlement Whore
SM: I don't understand what the problem is! Every year, we get new phones and you always give us free phones! Now all the sudden you want us to pay for them!
That's because you always got junk phones in the past. This year you decided to raise your standards and go all out. Just because it's not free doesn't mean you're not getting a good deal.
Proof that you don't need a functioning brain to be a customer
SW: I want my service canceled right now!
ME: May I as why you wish to cancel?
SW: Because I got this text message and I don't even now how to use them
ME: *teaches her how to open and read a text message. It turns out to be nothing but lines of code, which means its some type of system update from the network.*
SW: Now, this messge says it was received on 04/12 at 1244am.
ME: Ok...
SW: What the hell business do you guys run that you send me messages at 1244am? If my phone had been on, it would have woke me up!
ME: But, it was off, right?
SW: Yes, I turn it off every night. But if it had been on, it would have woke me up.
ME: But... it wasn't on. And it didn't wake you up.
SW: But what if it had? Why would you think 1244am is a good time to send me a message?
ME: Well, most system updates happen overnight, because in case it knocks the network out, it won't affect as many customers as it would in the middle of the day. And the system does sometimes send a message to the handset to complete the update to the SIM.
SW: So you think it's okay if you just wake me up?
ME: But we've already established that your phone was not on, did not wake you up, and won't wake you up in the future because you leave your phone off every night?
SW: But what if it does?!
ME: Let me see what I can do. Please hold.
SUP: What's up?
ME: Okay, can I just throw a credit at this woman to shut her up?
SUP: Why?
ME: Because she got a system update message at 1244 and if it weren't for the fact that she turns her phone off every night, it would have woke her up.
SUP: But... her phone was off.
ME: Yeah, I know. But she's upset of the hypothetical possibility. Maybe in case she didn't turn it off in an alternate universe and it did wake her up. I don't know. But she won't shut up about it, and arguing about a "what if" is making my brain bleed.
SUP: Well, what if the sun exploded at 1245? Then she wouldn't even be concerned about her phone.
ME: That's flipping awesome. Do I have your approval to use that example? Cause I will.
SUP: No, just give her the credit. We've already wasted enough money fighting with her.
ME: I'd be happy to offer you a courtesy credit of $5 for the inconvenience.
SW: Oh, ok. That sounds good then.
When I put in my credit, I worded it "Customer was upset about hypothetical inconvenience, so applied tangible credit of $5 as a courtesy."
I can't wait to see what happens tomorrow
I AM the evil bastard!
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