So this guy who has, thank god, a very infrequent history with us decides to once again darken our pizza place. This time he decides to call to complain that there's cheese on his pizza when he "don't do dairy." News to us, since he didn't SAY he didn't want cheese. But wait, he DID say he didn't want cheese, indirectly, by not including it in his list of toppings. Nope. Don't work like that. You have to SPECIFY NO. CHEESE.
That reasoning was completely lost on him as he hemmed and hawed and cursed and demanded compensation and spun Non sequitur yarns about his being a concert promoter and how he had connections to certain consumer watch dog groups who defended people like him from unscrupulous businesses. It went on and on. Given this guys history with us, there was no way in hell he was getting ANY kind of compensation. After all this was the same guy who could just not get it through his head that we were closing early one night due to the fact that we were inordinately and unexpectedly busy and had completely burned through our dough and prep. He reasoned that since he was calling during business hours it was our obligation to serve him. "What do you want me to do?" the owner finally said, "Go buy some Wonder bread and a can of tomato soup? Good GOD the time you spent bitching about something that we have no control over, you could have called another pizza place."
Back to the cheese debacle:
EXCERPT
SC: You guys need to get your fucking act together and give customers what they want. I'm fucking lactose intolerant, now I can't eat this damn thing because there's cheese all over it. I want to know what YOU'RE going to do to correct this.
ME: I'm going to tell you to chalk it up to a learning experience. That if you don't...
SC: LEARNING EXPERIENCE?! God damn it I...
ME: ...that if you don't want cheese on your pizza, it's YOUR responsibility to tell the person taking your order AND to mention that you're lactose intolerant. We had no way of knowing.
SC: I said I want JUST pesto and chicken.
ME: Which means those are the only TOPPINGS you want. Cheese comes standard unless you SAY. I. DON'T. WANT. CHEESE.
SC: You got a bunch of incompetent hippies working down there? I've been ordering from you for 20 years.
ME: I know. How unfortunate for us. You would think you would know how things work by now.
SC: JESUS CHRIST! What is so difficult for you to understand? My pizza was made INCORRECTLY.
ME: Your pizza was ORDERED incorrectly.
SC: Do you have even the slightest clue about why you're in business?
ME: To make a profit.
SC: You think you're gonna make any profits by fucking over your long time customers?
ME: You did that yourself when you failed to specify your desire to have NO CHEESE.
SC: You're running a really shitty business. Do you do this to ALL of your customers?
ME: Only the ones who try and blame us for their own mistakes and think they're OWED something for it.
SC: YOU fucked up my order and now you're telling me you won't do anything about it. Talk about customer service! Incompetent...
I'm over it by this time.
ME: Look, it's not our job to anticipate your wants, needs or desires. YOU need to make them clear. People order pizzas with alterations all the time but they make it KNOWN which alterations they want. And if by some chance we screw up their orders, THEN there's grounds to complain, THEN we need to do what we can to make them happy. You've kept me tied up going the rounds with you when I need to be back on the make line. All you're succeeding in doing now is disrupting our business.
SC: You listen to me you little fucking...
CLICK
He kept trying to call back. Unfortunately for him, when we saw his number on the ID we simply picked up the receiver and put it back down again.
A few minutes later, the owner came in to drop off some home-made goodies for the crew. We told him about the situation.
OWNER: Not HIM again. Did you tell him that pesto has cheese in it?
ME: Didn't even cross my mind.
Phone rings again. Guess who?
ME: It's him again.
OWNER: I'll take it.
I went back to the make line. A few minutes later, the owner came over.
OWNER: He wants a copy of his receipt. Whatever good that'll do him. I'm gonna get it ready to go out in the mail tomorrow. Something about how he's gonna contact the BBB about our back door dealings or whatever.
ME: What did he say when you told him pesto has cheese in it?
OWNER: "Yeah if you WANT it to."
ME: Seriously? It's the fucking RECIPE!
OWNER: Anyway. There's lemon pie on the back table. I gotta run.
My co workers and I thanked him for dealing with this fucktard, considering it was the owner's day off.
It's become kind of a joke now. Whenever someone orders, let's say, a pepperoni and mushroom, after we're off the phone with them we'll say:
"Hey, better make that pizza without cheese. It's not on there." or "They must not want sauce, cause it's not written down."
That reasoning was completely lost on him as he hemmed and hawed and cursed and demanded compensation and spun Non sequitur yarns about his being a concert promoter and how he had connections to certain consumer watch dog groups who defended people like him from unscrupulous businesses. It went on and on. Given this guys history with us, there was no way in hell he was getting ANY kind of compensation. After all this was the same guy who could just not get it through his head that we were closing early one night due to the fact that we were inordinately and unexpectedly busy and had completely burned through our dough and prep. He reasoned that since he was calling during business hours it was our obligation to serve him. "What do you want me to do?" the owner finally said, "Go buy some Wonder bread and a can of tomato soup? Good GOD the time you spent bitching about something that we have no control over, you could have called another pizza place."
Back to the cheese debacle:
EXCERPT
SC: You guys need to get your fucking act together and give customers what they want. I'm fucking lactose intolerant, now I can't eat this damn thing because there's cheese all over it. I want to know what YOU'RE going to do to correct this.
ME: I'm going to tell you to chalk it up to a learning experience. That if you don't...
SC: LEARNING EXPERIENCE?! God damn it I...
ME: ...that if you don't want cheese on your pizza, it's YOUR responsibility to tell the person taking your order AND to mention that you're lactose intolerant. We had no way of knowing.
SC: I said I want JUST pesto and chicken.
ME: Which means those are the only TOPPINGS you want. Cheese comes standard unless you SAY. I. DON'T. WANT. CHEESE.
SC: You got a bunch of incompetent hippies working down there? I've been ordering from you for 20 years.
ME: I know. How unfortunate for us. You would think you would know how things work by now.
SC: JESUS CHRIST! What is so difficult for you to understand? My pizza was made INCORRECTLY.
ME: Your pizza was ORDERED incorrectly.
SC: Do you have even the slightest clue about why you're in business?
ME: To make a profit.
SC: You think you're gonna make any profits by fucking over your long time customers?
ME: You did that yourself when you failed to specify your desire to have NO CHEESE.
SC: You're running a really shitty business. Do you do this to ALL of your customers?
ME: Only the ones who try and blame us for their own mistakes and think they're OWED something for it.
SC: YOU fucked up my order and now you're telling me you won't do anything about it. Talk about customer service! Incompetent...
I'm over it by this time.
ME: Look, it's not our job to anticipate your wants, needs or desires. YOU need to make them clear. People order pizzas with alterations all the time but they make it KNOWN which alterations they want. And if by some chance we screw up their orders, THEN there's grounds to complain, THEN we need to do what we can to make them happy. You've kept me tied up going the rounds with you when I need to be back on the make line. All you're succeeding in doing now is disrupting our business.
SC: You listen to me you little fucking...
CLICK
He kept trying to call back. Unfortunately for him, when we saw his number on the ID we simply picked up the receiver and put it back down again.
A few minutes later, the owner came in to drop off some home-made goodies for the crew. We told him about the situation.
OWNER: Not HIM again. Did you tell him that pesto has cheese in it?
ME: Didn't even cross my mind.
Phone rings again. Guess who?
ME: It's him again.
OWNER: I'll take it.
I went back to the make line. A few minutes later, the owner came over.
OWNER: He wants a copy of his receipt. Whatever good that'll do him. I'm gonna get it ready to go out in the mail tomorrow. Something about how he's gonna contact the BBB about our back door dealings or whatever.
ME: What did he say when you told him pesto has cheese in it?
OWNER: "Yeah if you WANT it to."
ME: Seriously? It's the fucking RECIPE!
OWNER: Anyway. There's lemon pie on the back table. I gotta run.
My co workers and I thanked him for dealing with this fucktard, considering it was the owner's day off.
It's become kind of a joke now. Whenever someone orders, let's say, a pepperoni and mushroom, after we're off the phone with them we'll say:
"Hey, better make that pizza without cheese. It's not on there." or "They must not want sauce, cause it's not written down."
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