Flying Tortillas From Hell

[Jester]

I spent the next few minutes fantasizing about chucking all sorts of grocery items at this jerk.

I'd recommend unripe apples, peaches, or plums. They're hard, the second two have stones inside, and they handle about the same as baseballs. Grapefruits are tempting due to their size and softball-like handling, but they are rather soft and have a lot of air in them. Melons are tempting due to their weight, but their weight makes them hard to throw for distance and accuracy, or to get any velocity behind them. Pineapples are tempting due to their evil shape, but their aerodynamic qualities are poor, to say the least. Frozen pizzas are tempting due to their similarity to a discus, but inside the box, they lose a lot of that, and it takes some time to unwrap them.

Not suggesting you DO throw anything at customers, mind you. But should you ever find yourself in need of defending yourself from unruly customers with CPFIs (Clerk Propelled Food Items), I thought I'd offer my advice.

Oh, and onions. Definitely consider onions. Not green onions or shallots, mind you, but those big baseball-to-softball-sized white, yellow, and red onions.

[Zellie Crescent]

I posted on here a while back that some asshole threw a frozen juice container at my mom and it dented the wall behind her, the dent is still there too but the asshole that caused it never (to our knowlege) came back.

[KatherineB]

I'd recommend unripe apples, peaches, or plums. They're hard, the second two have stones inside, and they handle about the same as baseballs. Grapefruits are tempting due to their size and softball-like handling, but they are rather soft and have a lot of air in them. Melons are tempting due to their weight, but their weight makes them hard to throw for distance and accuracy, or to get any velocity behind them. Pineapples are tempting due to their evil shape, but their aerodynamic qualities are poor, to say the least. Frozen pizzas are tempting due to their similarity to a discus, but inside the box, they lose a lot of that, and it takes some time to unwrap them.

Not suggesting you DO throw anything at customers, mind you. But should you ever find yourself in need of defending yourself from unruly customers with CPFIs (Clerk Propelled Food Items), I thought I'd offer my advice.

Oh, and onions. Definitely consider onions. Not green onions or shallots, mind you, but those big baseball-to-softball-sized white, yellow, and red onions.

Ah, but the benefits of grapefruits or similar is that they could not then be turned around and thrown back, which many of the harder fruits/vegetables could be.

[Jester]

Ah, but the benefits of grapefruits or similar is that they could not then be turned around and thrown back, which many of the harder fruits/vegetables could be.

Noted. Towards that end, I'd recommend eggs and very ripe tomatoes. Especially big beefsteak tomatoes, as they are more explosive on impact, thus giving the double benefits of being messier AND impossible to return fire with.

[SixFortyK]

I spent the next few minutes fantasizing about chucking all sorts of grocery items at this jerk.

I'd recommend unripe apples, peaches, or plums. They're hard, the second two have stones inside, and they handle about the same as baseballs.

I was thinking more along the lines of a nice frozen turkey.

[Jester]

Same problem as the larger produce: too heavy to give you any chance of getting up any decent velocity.

Although I hear they're good for bowling.....

[dalesys]

Though the Rock Cornish Game Hens...

[wolfie]

Though the Rock Cornish Game Hens...

Cue SC complaint:

Giant Poultry Packing Company, your product is labeled in a misleading manner. The cashier at the grocery store was rude to me, so I threw one of your Rock Cornish Game Hens at her. Instead of knocking her cold like a rock (which your label implied it was) would have, it just made her mad, and she called the cops. If it weren't for your misleading labels, I wouldn't be in jail.

[Fire_on_High]

Ah, but the benefits of grapefruits or similar is that they could not then be turned around and thrown back, which many of the harder fruits/vegetables could be.

If they get back up, you're doing it wrong

[Seanette]

Cue SC complaint:

Giant Poultry Packing Company, your product is labeled in a misleading manner. The cashier at the grocery store was rude to me, so I threw one of your Rock Cornish Game Hens at her. Instead of knocking her cold like a rock (which your label implied it was) would have, it just made her mad, and she called the cops. If it weren't for your misleading labels, I wouldn't be in jail.

I believe the thread you want is over here.

[KhirasHY]

I don't think that's what the Marx Brothers had in mind when they filmed "Duck Soup".

How do you make Duck Soup?

"Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life."